"I can't believe this house is finally empty." I sat back in my chair as my mother and I had just finished cleaning and disinfecting our spare room that we used for home births.
"Isn't it lovely?" Mom said sitting down next to me. "Now, have you eaten breakfast? Papa made banana bread yesterday and it is really very good."
"Speak Italian Mama. It's easier for you."
"No, my English is getting better. Speak English."
Rolling my eyes were the only thing I could do. "I already ate breakfast. But I can't turn down banana bread."
"I'll be right back," mom said, going into the kitchen. It felt weird that she was being overly polite when she spoke in English. She usually wasn't like this.
I looked out the window, looking at the sad gray snowy sky and sighed, thinking about how it was a perfect metaphor for how i was feeling today. Good thing mom came back in with two plates of banana bread.
"Thanks."
"So how is he doing?" Mom asked, taking a bite of her food, "How are you doing?"
"He is struggling," I admitted. "He took two sedatives early this morning which helped him go to sleep. Apparently he has barely slept in the past few weeks. And he's not eating normally. I can tell he's lost weight even if it's just a little bit. And the panic attacks seem to be getting better. He hasn't had a big one in at least a few months until yesterday at therapy. It's kind of hard to see him like this."
"I know," mom put a hand on my shoulder, "Is it bad enough he's going to need to be admitted?"
"I don't know, he is seeing his therapist regularly so I am going to leave that call to her unless it gets really bad. He hasn't done anything to try to hurt himself and she is still functioning normally at school and work. It doesn't seem like enough though."
"Is he on medication?" Mom asked, "Because it sounds like he might need to be. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I do know a lot about the brain and this is not just going to get better. At least part of it is chemical."
"I know, and I don't think so. I haven't asked because I didn't want to push yesterday, but he already sees a therapist. He has been through a lot which is not going to go away with a pill, but at least he will be able to feel a little better so he can work through it. I'm hoping it's not a fight. He normally hates taking any kind of medications, even for simple things like fevers or injuries."
"I can talk to him if you need me to," mom offered, "I can be very persuasive to Italians."
I laughed a little, "I will let you know. I'm going to try to bring it up when I go back there tonight. I'm hoping he listens to me and it doesn't turn into a fight."
Mom nodded, knowing from what i had already told him that Vincenzo was a very combative person when it came to things he didn't want to accept. And he was incredibly stubborn.
"I just wish I could show him how much I really like him," I sighed.
"You are," mom nodded, "You are doing everything you possibly can for him. But you could tell him you love him until you are blue in the face and it's not going to change the fact that he is severly depressed. You know that."
"Si. But I just wish I could change it."
"If he keeps working on it, it will get better. It's not going to be easy, for him or you, but one day, it will be not as bad as it is now. You know that. Just look at Francesca. She didn't get out of bed for almost two weeks. She was drinking and sloppy crying in our arms, after she gave birth and now she is back to kicking ass in the OR. I'm not saying she doesn't still struggle, because she does. I've had to go over there a few times to be there for her, but it's not as bad as it was because she did the work and got help."
I nodded, grabbing a tissue off the table.
"I know," I said, wiping my mouth and remembering being incredibly annoyed at the distraught woman. I used to think her break down over her man leaving her wasn't something to dwell over, but even if I don't understand it, I realize now that the issue isn't always so black and white, "I'm just scared he's going to do something to hurt himself and try not to make it to the not as bad. Sorry, for telling you this Mama. I know you're tired."
"Do not apologize, I knew what I was getting myself into when I let you go see him last night. Plus, it's good for you to get all of this out here because I know you are going to go back there and try to be strong for Vinny. You need a place to process all of this and that's what I'm here for."
"Thanks, mama."
"Besides, how can your mother not know about your thing for sick people."
"For the last time mama! I don't like sick people! The people attracted to me just happen to be mentally ill."
"You being the common thing in that dreadful thread of awful blasphemous candidates. At least Vincenzo is the safest option."
"You got a problem?"
"If my little bambino likes dangerous boys then he likes dangerous boys. I'm just letting this fly because he can be reformed into someone good. Since your dad hired him and Martin at the restaurant, sales have doubled so you have to keep him."
"Well then, it's about time that I go back to him now. I want to be there when he wakes up."
"I understand! You go ahead to make my grandchildren, I won't stop you."
"...No, not making a baby!"
Mom stroked the top of my head lightly, "Don't be shy, son. Reproduction is the law of nature."
I didn't know if I should laugh or cry at the moment. She must've seen some of the marks Vincenzo had left on me. I raised my hand to immediately cover my neck just in case. "I'll go now, chao!"
Thankfully, when I reached Vincenzo's apartment, he was still knocked out which gave me more time to think this over. I paced around his room with the endless thoughts in my mind that I couldn't let go away.
I have never been one to be possessive of anyone or anything as I always thought that behavior was beneath me. In any past friendships, if I witnessed someone flirting or checking them out, I would rationalize it to them being attractive. To me, it would was a sign that I was someone desirable who only hung out with desirable people.
The hickeys and marks our bodies symbolizes that I am his and he is mine. My eyes zero in on his bare left hand. I wanted to get him a ring as beautiful as I wanted this relationship to be. We actually fought over it for awhile. He insisted that it was unnecessary. He could not understand why I wanted to lock him down for the rest of my life. It still kills me that he does not know how breath taking I find him. I wanted something to symbolize his beauty.
In the end, he won that argument. It's a rarity that he didn't not give into my wishes, so I knew it was out of the question. He would give me the world if I asked but he refused to accept it back even though I would do the same. Our relationship, it had been growing since we first met and I do not think it will ever stop.
I shook my head and look down at the sleeping body next to me. This is why we are here now. I tried my best to regain focus and just focus on him, but I couldn't. Sadly, every time I think I have forgotten about that Danny kid, I hear him laughing again with Vincenzo. I remember that day at the restaurant, when I saw Danny's switch his and Vincenzo's meal to get his attention, I had almost lost it. I do not like this feeling of jealousy. To me it was an ugly trait, one that I used to reprimand other people for expressing.
I think it's because of how Vincenzo holds himself. That and he's incredibly handsome. Would you want to say the wrong thing to the hottest guy in town? Most people that we go to school with even find him unapproachable.
Still, I have watched people check Vincenzo out, but none of them have had the audacity to blatantly flirt with him in front of me like that damn Danny kid!
I guess there was that one girl at the restaurant that I demanded dad to fire. One night before closing, when I was getting ready to leave, I saw a long time employee once again trying to get Vincenzo's attention. I watched as she slipped a piece of paper into his jacket pocket. There is not many people in our area that does not know that Vincenzo and I are dating seriously now. Even the staff watching the brunette doing this are in complete shock. They looked over at me, expecting me to do something as I'm the restaurant owners son, but I just walked away so I wouldn't go for the knives in the kitchen like I wanted to.
Part of me was angry at the girl, but the other was mad at Vincenzo. How could he be so oblivious to all the attention he was getting? Especially since he started brightening up his personality little by little. Of course, Vincenzo played it off like it was nothing. The phone number that was slipped into his pocket will say different though. So, that night I just left without saying goodbye.
When I got back home, I dove into my work with my mother in the desperate attempt to take my mind off of my bubbling jealousy. I know that Vincenzo would never hurt me like that. He didn't have the confidence to do so. He's doing his best to fall for me like I wanted him to, but that does nothing for the small portion of my brain that keeps asking me if I am sure. If he wouldn't run back to Danny the first chance he got.
He and I don't have the perfect relationship, but who in this world does? We get into arguments and even go to bed angry at times. Though in the night, we drift together because that is what we do. In the morning things do not seem as serious as they did the night before. Sometimes our communication lacks, but we always try to say what we mean. There are even times we pick a fight because we have not spent much quality time together due to many aggravating cases. I shook my head at the thoughts. Vinny would never...would he?
I start to feel tears welling in my eyes. Who knew that unlike a normal person, when I get jealous I also get weepy and annoying. When Vincenzo gets this way, I have to make sure he knows that I won't leave him. All I want is for Vinny to draw me in his arms and explain away all my insecurities right now.
Normally, I do well at controlling and containing my emotions. There was just something about constantly watching people put their hands on what's mine that I hated. It threw me off. I knew I no longer feel possessive. I feel insecure for no reason. Right now, Vincenzo and I are a lot better than when we started. We try to have daily date nights and sleepovers. Maybe things are getting too routine. We don't do anything spontaneous though. I let out a long sigh just I heard a groan from behind me.
A pair of arms wrap around me pulled me to lay down on the bed, holding me tight. My arms slipped around a half sleeping Vincenzo and I buried my face in his chest. Before I can stop it, a sob wracks my body and he placed a soft kiss in my hair. I can tell he has forgotten all about his lack of sleep and is solely focused on calming me down now. He let me ugly cry onto his bare chest, not caring that my tears were dirtying him. He slowly moved us over to the middle of the bed, until I was settled on top, straddling him. My face moved to snuggle into his neck. With his musky scent combined with how tight is arms are around me, I finally started to calm down.
"Roc, what's wrong?" he muttered into my hair, after placing a soft kiss there.
I shake my head as I lean back, gazing at him. Those brown orbs are so full of worry that I was afraid that I will start to cry again.
"I'm fine." I lie.
"Rocco."
"I just needed you to hold me for a few minutes. I'm better now." I told him, not really lying. I did need him.
"But why did you need me to hold you? Why were you crying? We promised to talk to each other."
I sat up to pick up his work apron, which I haven't seen him really use the past few days, and dug into the pockets. My fingers find the paper that was placed in three days ago. I pulled it out and messed with it, pissed off at the fact that it had even made it into his room.
"What is this?" He asked.
When he read the phone number and whatever the girl had written with it, I watch as he connected all the pieces in that Detective brain of his.
"Emily Decavalcante has been fired. She was flirting with you for basically all of your shifts, putting her hands all over you." I mumble, still not being able to look at him in the eyes. "You entertain her because-"
Vincenzo quickly brought his left hand up to tilt my chin, and wipe my tear filled face. "I didn't even notice that she was doing that. I swear."
"You never do." I laugh. "I noticed though."
He leaned in close and placed a soft kiss on my lips to wipe away any worry. I bring my hands up to bury them in his bed head and deepen it, needing to feel any kind of affection. When we needed to breathe, he placed his forehead on mine.
"I never notice because I'm always too busy gocusing on my own work."
"You weren't before she was fired," I counter.
"What?"
"You engaged in her conversation."
Vincenzo shakes her head. "I was just being nice. Your dad told me that I needed to work on being nicer during work since I'm too short with people."
"She looked at you like she could have you and I didn't like it." My voice was small. I really wasn't used to feeling this...pathetic? Expendable? I have always been confident, but here sitting on Vincenzo's lap, I feel insecure.
I know it's stupid to let some random pretty face question the relationship that has been clearly cherished between us. I just cannot get it out of my head. What if one day someone does turn his head? What if it's a girl? My looks may fade as I continue to age, will he still like me then? I know Vincenzo doesn't not like me for how I look.....but he only started to like me because I tricked him into it.
I've see what happens when a spouse gets bored. I do not know how many men and women I have seen with my mom because of cheating situations. They are messy!
"I think.....I'm not sure how to deal with insecurity," I admitted. "I don't know. It's stupid."
"Nah- nothing you say is ever stupid, Rocco."
"And as much as THAT was sweet of you: shut up. I'm trying to talk to here."
"Si signore!"
After an exasperated huff and a small giggle from me that made Vincenzo's bright grin finally light up his face, i found my words and buried my face into the crook of his neck to hide my mortification while she said it. "We've had se- er, made lo-....okay look we've done enough together that it shouldn't be so awkward to talk about it now, but it is and I just... well I wanted to do something to help you feel better, but none of it seemed to work. On top of that I watch people flirt with you all the time. So I just- I started feeling like you didn't think I was pretty..."
"Wow." His voice rumbled through his throat as his hand absentmindedly rubbed along my back, "I take it back. You can say some stupid things."
I pulled back then, face still red and glowing, but eyes outraged, "Hey- wait a minute-!"
"You're beautiful, Rocco. I'll make sure to tell you that more and I'll try not to make you feel that way anymore. Everything about you, even your personality is what I want."
It was becoming increasingly hard to think with what he was saying, and the way my chest swelled with his every word was also making me realize just how ridiculous I really had been. Yes- he was certainly making it obviously how attracted to me he was, but... "You never seemed to care when I wore something different..."
"I didn't know you wanted me to care about that. I am a little dense when it comes to things like that, so I'll pay more attention," He pulled away, grin on his face as he looked over me. "Next time, just sit on my lap and start grinding. I'll definitely get the picture then. I'll do whatever it takes."
"Ok," I knew that Vincenzo constantly needed to be assured of being loved. While i wasn't necessarily one for big love proclamations, I'm glad Vincenzo didn't mind reminding me of my importance to him every once in a while through the cloudiness. I knew how insecure the guy was and how hard it was for him to believe that someone could genuinely like him for him and not expect anything in return. Although most of the world saw Vincenzo as an inconsiderate asshole, who didn't care about what everyone else thought of him, it was just a mask. But I knew that. I know him best. And I knew how easy it was to hurt Vincenzo if I wanted too, how vulnerable he could be, and how much it actually affected him when people judged him. That's why it was so hard for anyone to get through the walls that he had been putting up for years to separate himself from the world that could hurt him.
"Rocco, what can I-"
"You already solved it, Vinny, as long as you don't run off with some girl."
"I'm gay."
"But you can do it with a girl."
Vincenzo gulped loudly. "Fine. Bisexual, with a bigger preference for men."
"That makes no sense!"
"Then I'm only half gay!"
"That's bisexual!"
"What does that make Martin then?" Vincenzo pouted. "We both used to have a crush on the same guy for years."
"Martin had a time when he was confused, but he's incredibly straight. You know that. But you aren't gay either, you know!"
"I know, I just have a thing for cute guys." He sighed.
I could feel my blush creep up. "You think I'm cute?"
"Yeah, even when you act like a spoiled brat."
"D-did you sleep well?" I stammered. Well, it wasn't like I was going to be able to hide my spoiled fucked up personality forever, but I never expected it to ever to called out like that. Annoying? I've heard that. Insufferable? All the time. But cute? I've never heard that. Does he like bitchy people?
"I sleep better when you're here and I don't like the medicine you gave me earlier."
"I know, you hate medicine," I giggled.
What exactly was I worried about? We have been good . We were always there to make each other laugh and show each other a good time. But at the same time, I guess Vincenzo has always struck me as a threat, someone I would have to compete with as I'd never felt so insecure about myself before. However, as Vincenzo's therapy progressed and got better and better, I realized there was never a competition.
He was never a threat.
He was just an inexperienced kid, who had been thrown into a rag tag, scanty group of children who were too poor in character to have a sufficient name and he had to adapt. He's still just an awkward, blundering child who doesn't know what to do with himself. So he clings onto someone to help himself stay above water because he'll drown by himself.
He's afraid he'll never come out of this.
I was very unsure of myself too; but in a different way. I was just scared because the fact that he could get all the attention on him with just a look and change minds just by stating his opinion. People naturally shaped themselves around his beliefs as to not disrupt the status quo. Unlike me, who had to lie and manipulate and use threats, he naturally had the gift of influence.
I tried not to dwell on the fact that he's not a key player in the status quo like he used to be. He tried to distance himself from that, but the more he did, the more people looked to him. When I walked around with him after school to have fun with him by ourselves, the attention that everyone on the outside used to reserve for me was now focused on Vincenzo. I couldn't help but feel jealous. Like now that now there's a high ranking player, I'm just there to take up extra space.
when we went our separate ways that night i punished myself by pushing excessively harder and harder in a workout so I could look good until i had to hurry out of the apartment into one of the trash cans to throw up.
I cried that night even though it wasn't Vincenzo's fault. I cried so hard my throat went raw and it became hard to breathe. I was losing a big part of myself: the Flawless God that I once thought I was. And I felt helpless and burdensome, wanting nothing more than to claim all his emotions for my own. Just to put me out of my misery.
Vincenzo hugged me then, snapping my right out of my self deprecating thoughts. It was surprising at first, this display of affection and emotion was definitely out of the ordinary as it was the most affectionate he's ever felt.
That's right. His problems are a lot heavier than my ego.
"I haven't spoiled you lately," Vincenzo kissed my hand. "May I?"
"As long as you let me know why you're trying to butter me up." I countered. "What's up, you seem quite troubled again about something?"
"Well.....Rocco, you may want to be yell at me, but what I have to say is very important and I just wanted to run it by you."
"Oh My God, you're pregnant, aren't you? Tell me who it is, I'll kill him!" I teased instantly clearing up the rising tension.
"No, I'm not pregnant, but what would you say if I told you I wanted to join the Army?" He looked at me with this wide-eyed expression, like he expected me to berate him for this decision. The fucking military? Are you kidding me?!
"Why" i asked.
"I need discipline and structure to help me heal better, Rocco. On top of that, I'd like to try and help people."
"Is that all?"
A part of me wanted to beg him not to join. I wanted to know why he had suddenly decided to make such a rash choice. He had to have lost his mind. We were, after all, in a time of war. We were fighting in places I didn't think he should go. He would be stepping out of his comfort zone at an extreme level.
"That was my main reason for joining because I do want to heal. I am going to be 18 years old soon and I'm freeloading off of Martin and Sam. It is nice, but that's it. I was sitting down, doing my homework, when I had an epiphany of sorts. I actually started freaking out because I have no idea what I am doing or what I am going to do with my life. Sure, I was still interested in space, but for how long will I be? Sure, I have a bright future ahead of me with my grades, but how do I even keep on track for my goals? I have no direction on what to do next. I'm sure I have other options, but I felt that this was my only one to really get my life on track. It seems daring and scary, all at the same time, and that's what I need."
"Well...." I wasn't sure what I should say at a moment like this. "Don't they go on dangerous missions and into combat? What if-"
"I thought about it all. It doesn't change anything. Dr. Mancini thought it was for a good reason as well, and he told me that I should finally talk to you about it."
"Finally?"
"It's only been a week since I've thought of it."
"So you're going to leave?"
"I'll keep in touch and I'll see you on leave. It's not like I want to break up. I just want to know if you'll stay wait for me while I become a better man."
"You're already a good man." I could feel my eyes stinging again! How could he?
"A confident one that can take care of you instead of the other way around. I might sound a bit ungrateful, but it's not your job to take care of my emotions. You may think you're being extremely helpful, but it's hard when I see you brush it off when I hurt you because you think I can't handle a scolding. Being treated with kid gloves really does suck, so it's just time for me to man up," Vincenzo explained. "It would be selfish of me to not want yo fix that. A lot has happened and I haven't been able yo be myself....well ever. But if I can never be what I was again, I might as well be somewhere that can help me be better. I've been thinking long and hard about it."
"You seem to have already made up your mind! What the fuck are you thinking?! The Army!?" I couldn't stop my anger because he was making a very good case for himself.
"Rocco, I-" I cut him off by putting up a hand.
"What'd you sign up for?"
"What?"
"What. Did. You. Sign. Up. For. It's a simple question." I snapped, irritation becoming my only safety net.
"Infantry." Vincenzo whispered. Suddenly I could feel the Madonna staring down at me as if she were about to lift me into heaven.
"Infantry? MA SEI MATTO?! Do you want to die?!" My voice cracked. "Are you trying to hurt me?"
"Rocco, it's not that bad. I'll be safe, they train us to be safe. Don't be like this okay? I'd never do this to hurt you. I don't need to hear what a mistake I'm making or that I've disappointed you. I'm asking you to wait for me, because only a better man will come back to you! This reaction is why I didn't want to say anything."
"So what you were just going to leave? You're fucking unbelievable!"
"I didn't want to, but I was still going to tell you. But to be with you the way I promised, I need the help."
"You didn't promise me anything! I lied! You were so drunk that I took advantage of you!" I snapped at him. After a few seconds of silence, I realized what had just flew out of my mouth, but I couldn't stop myself. "The point is you never made any kind of promise to me! So you don't-"
"I did promise you! Rocco, that wasn't a promise I would ever make while drunk anyway, so I thought it was suspicious from the beginning! But it doesn't matter now because I've been treating it as if it were real since that night!" Vincenzo argued. "Even if this started on a lie, are we not for real now?!"
Why did he keep quiet and go along with it if he knew that I lied to him? Was he actively making a fool out of me or did it really not matter to him that I lied? This had to just be an excuse for him to disappear! "Your leg!"
"The doctor only said I'll be lucky to walk right again, and I was lucky." There was clearly no talking him out of this. "You can't go if you're mentally unwell."
"I already signed up with Dr. Mancini's recommendation, and they accepted. I'll be taking the ASVAB soon." Vincenzo admits, "I never knew I would really get accepted when I sent in the application, but then they send me acceptance paperwork."
"You really want this?" I asked.
"Yes, Roc" He nodded and reached over to pick up some papers on his bed stand. "Here's what I needed to have if I wanted to join. A birth certificate, a health good condition, a higher IQ then 80, fast runs, no smoking and no criminal record."
Fuck! "When do you go?"
"After graduation, I'll go to boot camp....if everything goes off without a hitch."
"What do you even get out of this, Vinny?"
"The discipline and structure I need to be a real man," He said.
"And you'll always come back? Promise?" I asked while watching Vincenzo's smile falter.
There it was. The one thing he couldn't do. How can you promise someone that you'll come back from war or that you won't get killed in action? You literally can't do that. Vincenzo always kept his promises to me and never broke one. "I'll come back to you a better man, Rocco...don't you worry." He said it, but without the promise. If he left it out he won't feel too guilty I guess.
"I'm proud of you," I forced myself to say. It was a noble cause after all. "Does anyone else know?"
"No, just you and Dr. Mancini knows I signed up for the army." Vincenzo said.
"I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say you were enlisting for the Army?" Vincenzo and I whipped our heads towards the door to see Martin standing there in shock.
"I did Martin, I'm going to take the test and after that, I'm going to be in the reserves until High School ends, then I go active." He explained.
Martin looked at me with accusatory eyes, as if his sudden epiphany was all my fault. How could it be? I don't want him to fight for his life either, but how can I argue with Vincenzo's choices? I begged him not to go and he basically made up his mind I. He promised....well he told me that he wouldn't die. His own to go. All I could do was try not punch him in the face.
I think Martin got how upset I was about this myself. "When'd you sign up?"
"A week ago."
"Why did you wait to tell me? Why didn't you talk to me when you were thinking about it?" Martin asked.
"Because I knew you'd try your hardest to convince me not to go." Vincenzo said.
"Damn right." Martin snapped.
"This is what I want to do, Martin."
"What about space? Didn't you want to be an astronaut or something?"
"I can still do that while in the military."
"What about your promise to Rocco?"
"I never made that promise. We both knew that from the beginning, Martin."
Martin went red in the face and pouted angrily at this new stubbornness we were experiencing from Vincenzo. "You do know you can die in Infantry, right?"
"You know I would fight through the deepest pits of hell to get back to Rocco and you." Vincenzo stated firmly.
"Rocco! Say something!"
What can I say? He's made up his mind. They say boot camp is supposed to be the hardest torture a soldier goes through. It separates the weak from the strong, the men from the boys. I didn't think it was that tough. Don't get me wrong... no one likes to be screamed at by a drill sergeant or run 5 miles every day at the crack of dawn. Vincenzo was a pretty fit guy, at least compared to most of the other guys I see with military prospects. At 6 feet 2 inches and 198 pounds, he was stronger and faster than most. He also trained his body as a high school football star for years, ran track and resumed working out on a regular basis with Martin, so I guess the training won't be too bad for him.
But it's been a bad week for Vincenzo overall. He has come back here every night more withdrawn than the night before. He deals with a lot of people and is responsible for many issues, and, to be honest, he puts up with a lot of shit. It's all very draining for him even though he is exceptionally good at it all. He's been having bad dreams and has scared me half to death when he awoke screaming and crying.
He says in his dream, he is in a huge crowd of people and doesn't know anyone around him. Martin, Sam and I are with him and he can read our minds. When he listened in, we were taunting him, saying horrible things about him, calling him names. Then, the minds in the crowd become more violent. He hears them thinking that he's a disappointment and that he doesn't deserve to live. They begin to chant, "Die. Die. Die." As the crowd encloses around him, he sees that they are carrying knives. They begin to cut at him and he stands unable to hear himself scream as he watches the blood run down his arms and drip from his fingers. The blood swirls around his ankles, growing deeper as the crowd continues to slash at his body, until waves lick at his waist, and he begins to sway in the current of his own fluids.
He took three showers before he would go back to sleep that night. That was two weeks ago and it took me two days to get him to tell me about the dream. I don't have to be a mind reader to know that even his subconscious mind is uncomfortable with the lack of control he has over everything around him. He needs me to stabilize him and to ground him, but he wants to be good enough to do that.
Vincenzo is a worrier and retreats within his own mind to punish himself. He pushes himself too hard with too many demands and too high expectations. The pressure is too much. Most of the time, he is an easy-going guy. He's smart and sweet and totally sexy. He gives me hope and fills me with happiness in a world where those things are hard to come by, and I am so into him. He worries about the stress he puts on me when his moods get the better of him; though I have assured him many times that he is no burden to me. I can't seem to get through to him that I want to be there for him. If he needs to fall, I want it to be on me.
But.....if this was all he needed to try and feel ok.....
"Where will you go to basic training?" I asked.
"Fort Bragg in North Carolina," he even had that detail, which meant everything was already pretty much set in stone.
"So really it's just a matter of time before you leave?"
"It's all done Rocco. It's all up to you now whether you want to still be with me or not. So...," he averted his eyes from me, not finishing his thought.
I know he assumes we will be discussing the time he won't be here, and of course, knowing Vincenzo, he expects the answer to be negative, that he's asking too much. He thinks I don't like him as much as I actually do. He's wrong.
Immediately, I became angry for allowing this to have continued to this point. I'm mad at myself, his parents, and anyone else who ever made him feel stressed, inadequate, or embarrassed. Now, is not the time for that. He needs me to calm him.
"I'll wait for you," I sighed.
"Rocco!" Martin snapped.
"He gave us his reasons. His therapist signed off on it. He already signed up so it's not like he can just take it back," I argued. "If he wants to do this....why not just support it?"
"You don't have to force-"
"I want you here but if this will help you, then just go there and I'll wait for you to come back."
"I just—I didn't mean to take so long to tell you. I'm sorry."
I grab his hand and gently squeezed it. "Stop apologizing."
"Sorry." He smiled halfheartedly when I playfully cut my eyes at him. "Sorry. I mean... well... sorry for saying 'sorry'." Always apologizing, always sorry when he has no need to be.
I grin and lift his chin with my fingers, slowly pressing my lips to his. He pulls away after a few seconds. Always pulling away.
It hurts every time, but I've learned to mask that. "There's no reason to be sorry, okay? Well... unless you were planning on dumping me or something. Then you can be sorry."
"I'm not planning on it!" Vincenzo pulled me into a tight hug.
"Then, as much as I don't like it, it's fine."
"I'm telling Sam!" Martin screamed while stomping out of Vincenzo's room, slamming the door behind him loudly.
"He'll get over it in a few days," I assured Vincenzo. "Im not happy about this....but I understand. You're a good guy, you know that?"
"Don't say that. Please."
"I can't help how I feel, Vincenzo."
"Just... don't." His voice was shaky. "Please, don't."
"Okay." I relent. I agree to stop because he might get depressed if I don't. He can't deal with any genuinely good compliments— doesn't believe them.
"Sorry."
Maybe before that bastard, he did. But now...now it's constant apologies and shame and guilt. Shame for who he is and that he can do nothing about it. Shame that he's too weak to fight it or openly admit it.
"I wanna hang out with you proudly without you being scared. I want to be with you the way you wanna be with me. But that'll take time and I know that. I'll wait, Vinny, for however long it takes."
"I can't....I'm really not worth the wait if you ask me. Can't you see that? You deserve so much—so why can't you see that I'm nothing?"
My hand lifted to his face, fingers caressing the soft skin of his cheeks. "You're far from nothing."
His eyes dropped to the floor. "What do you want from me?"
"All I want is for you to let me support you like a good boyfriend would, Vinny. And I want you to love me. No matter what happens, I'm on your side."
"I—I don't know how to accept it."
"You'll learn."
He took a shaky breath and lay his head on my shoulder. "I'm sor—"
"Don't. No more apologies, okay?"
He didn't answer, just nodded against me as we hold each other in the dimly lit bedroom.
"Rocco?"
"Yeah?"
His fingers find mine, twisting them together and my heart swells. I can't believe that he made the first move. He touched me first this time, without hesitation.
"Teach me."
"What do you mean?" I tighten my fingers back around his, silently encouraging him to explain.
"Teach me how to love w we hen I come back."
I'm speechless. Words were twisting together in my brain, but they wouldn't come out. I'm overwhelmed with...feeling out of my element. I never knew putting someone else first would feel so rewarding.
"I will. But before you go, I love that you'll need glasses soon.....and that you're in denial about it."
Kiss.
"I love that you can't dance to save your life."
Kiss.
"I love that your second toe is longer than your first."
Kiss.
"Everything about you is beautiful to me."
Kiss.
"You deserve to be loved."
Kiss.
I worked my way back up to his lips and kiss him soft and slow. "Let me love you, Vinny. Please."
Fuck it! If therapy was already working slowly for him, then the military should whip his insecurities right out of him.
"I'd like that."
"Good," I pushed his hands down against the bed and sat up on top of him, so lost in my frustration with the situation that I didn't notice I was straddling him until I felt his hard dick pressed up against me.
"Roc-"
"You want me, don't you? At a time like this?" I asked with amusement lacing his voice just so we didn't have to talk about something so heavy. I let out some sort of warning growl and glowered down at him. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?"
Without warning, he did a combination lift and roll that sent me sprawling beneath him. I grunted and dropped my head against the bed. He looked down at me with something akin to triumph in his eyes. "I see no reason to give up, when I do obviously did the right thing," he said smoothly as he ground his hips against mine. I swallowed the moan and shut my eyes tightly.
We struggled against each other, just the way we did during our games, but there wasn't anybody else here now, and it wasn't about a soccer ball or anything else except him and me. I started to push him back and we toppled off the bed until we were rolling around, trying to pin each other to the floor. He was strong and I was nowhere near evenly matched. It was definitely intense. It felt like we were fighting for something more, and I didn't really know what that was.
Maybe if I can pin him, he won't join the military!
This definitely wasn't just two people just wrestling for fun. That much was clear. I wrestled with Sofia all the time, but that was different. This was sexual. His left hand caught my wrists and he held them above my head against the floor as he used his other hand to push my legs open. I felt his entire body fall against mine from chest to thigh. "I win," he murmured. He was right; I was pinned.
He bent his head down to kiss me. I wanted him to. I even opened my mouth for him. This didn't feel like losing. He pressed his erection against mine, and I groaned. This was too intense. I didn't know what was going on inside my head. I didn't know what I wanted. I'd never been in this helpless of a position before, and I wasn't afraid of him....I was afraid of my change of mindset. I felt like I didn't really know what I wanted anymore.
"Well, if this is how you want it, I'm down," I murmured. "I look forward to seeing who you come back as."