"It's good to see you again Vincenzo, please take a seat."
"Thank you. You've...umm...you redecorated." The normally dull office had made a complete transformation into....well the same office in brighter colors. In reality, the only difference was that everything was beige and white instead of its usual gray and brown.
"Yes. Yes I did. I spend so much time in the room I like to mix it up every few years." This was mixing it up? "So Vincenzo...how have you been? It's been what....about a month of you dating this Rocco character. Let's start there today. How's it going?"
I smiled at the familiar face of Dr. Mancini, eager to tell him about my latest progress. "Well it's not been the easiest time....." I admitted. "I can see how I became obsessed, Danny is a one of a kind guy, so it's easy to fall in love with him. He rescued me, I owe him my life, I owe him everything, I thought he'd the only love I know. I thought I'd need him more, and there was no amount of therapy can fix that."
"So when I last saw you, Vincenzo, it felt like you were finally come to terms with the complete loss of this relationship. How's that been going?" he asked with concern.
"Yeah, I realised how lucky I am to still be here, to have Martin and Rocco and Sam in my life and a job so I can provide for myself," I paused momentarily "As you know my thinking was a big issue in my relationship with Rocco. Looking back now, I can understand why Rocco felt he had had enough of trying to fix me."
"Did you think you needed fixing?"
"Yes....initially I did. I was broken and weak minded. I wasn't sure I loved myself after I lost my only support....I felt useless, a burden, repulsive even. So how could anyone else love me if Dan didn't...find me attractive...want to be with me when my parents don't even want me. Rocco has a very big heart and he took all my shit. ALL of it...and trust me, there was a lot. I had a lot of hate and resentment and unfairly I took it out on him sometimes.
"Was that fair? Did he deserve your anger?"
"No. No it wasn't fair at all, that's why I'm making sure to change now, but in my head it wasn't fair that i had to lose everything, my parents and Dan, none of it was fair and I was lost. I was utterly and totally lost. Even so, I still feel like I'm failing Rocco and being a bad friend to Martin and Sam."
"Vincenzo, why do you feel like a bad friend and boyfriend? Have Rocco, Martin or Sam ever expressed this to you?" Dr. Mancini asked.
"Well, no they haven't but I can see it for myself. I know that I am not giving them my best. Especially Rocco. He gives so much and I feel that all I do is take. I actually love having Rocco with me. We are great together and mesh really well, but I can't keep asking him to shoulder my emotions. I want to take care of him as well. Martin thinks both Roc and I need looking after and we do a good job of looking after each other."
"Roc? Why do you call him Roc?"
"Huh? Doc, you know I have no idea. One day I just called him that and it stuck." I shrugged.
"Does anyone else call him that?"
"Uh, well come to think of it. Martin always called Rocco: The Antichrist. So I guess that was my nickname for him. I guess, Sam started calling him that because I did but it always bothered me when he did so he stopped." I was reminded of almost tearing Sam a new one when he called Rocco by the nickname I chose for him. He really hadn't seen it coming, especially from me about Rocco.
"It's clear your relationship with Rocco is special to you. He sounds like a genuine friend. But from what you told me your relationship was somewhat colored by Daniel. Do you think things ever got a little muddled? Maybe you took Rocco for granted as a replacement rather than an equal partner."
"No, that doesn't sound right," i said immediately, "Maybe in the beginning I did see him somewhat as Danny's replacement. Rocco sure treated me like....well ok. It was hard not to think of him as a replacement at first. But he's a really good guy so I want to respect that and like him now. Since Danny has been gone, no – probably before that – I knew Rocco deserved my full efforts."
"If that is so, why haven't you been fully honest with him. Especially if you know he can handle it and want to respect him?"
"Doc, honest about what?" I looked up confused and swallowed hard. What kind of epiphany was he trying to lead me to? "Honest about what?" I repeated with wide-eyes. I think my blood pressure started to rise and my face heat up. "Doc what are you talking about?"
"Honest about your true feelings. Honest about how much you actually want him in your life. Don't get me wrong I am not saying you should beg him to be with you or even that it is a good idea. I am just asking why you don't tell him the truth and let him decide for himself what she wants. From what you have said about him, he sounds like a headstrong young man who knows his own mind. He won't do anything he doesn't want to."
Opening up has never been something that has come easily to me. Growing up it was both my parents who had made it clear to me on more than one occasion that being emotional is being weak. A fucked up attitude really and i know that, but it doesn't help when that's the way I was nurtured.
"That's just it, I think he will stay. He is so selfless that I feel really bad putting him through my shit. He would move in with me if he thought I needed him to. I should be able stand on my own, but I am terrified to be alone, but maybe that is exactly what I should do - be alone. You know immersion therapy. Right?"
"Oh Vincenzo, I always love good old immersion therapy. You may need to be alone to really take control of your fears. If you think being alone will help you grow and the best move going forward, I can't argue with you. But remember there is more than one way to be alone. Don't let false pride or your misplaced martyrdom take the place of an honest conversation with a person you like. You don't know what he needs until you ask him. But you are right, first, you have got to figure out what you need right now."
I breathed out fast, relieved the doctor agrees with me. "Thanks, I can't pull Rocco's freedom from him for too long. I have a feeling I have a lot of work to do before I can even be what he needs me to be."
"What do you think he needs you to be?"
"Someone who's good enough to not abandon."
Dr. Mancini raised his eyebrow. "Vincenzo, it is completely understandable why you are scared. You already feel abandoned by everyone you thought cared about you. But Rocco is here and he's expressed the desire to stick by you. Have you talked to him about that? Have you asked him if he would like to be left alone?"
"No, Doc. There hasn't been any way I could really think to say it. I did tell him that Danny and I are no longer in contact and that it's been a while since we were. I am trying to focus on him alone. I don't want to add any more stress to his life." I replied.
"Of course, of course. But these sessions are about you and how to help you. I can only imagine the stress you were under the past few weeks. It must have taken an emotional toll. Did you manage to use any of my techniques to help you cope?" Dr. Mancini asked me as he looked at me with pity.
"Yes, actually I did use your techniques. They really helped me. I really had to use them while I was with him and when I saw Danny at school. I could hear your voice in my head. It really helped me."
Dr. Mancini smiled "See Vincenzo, when you have the tools, you can fix yourself. At some point you will be listening to your own voice in your head, not mine. Now, you mentioned last week that your dad was abusive and that you were in denial about it. I'm curious about how you are handling that. It's kinda a big thing to accept. So how are you handling it?"
I took a long deep breath before answering, "He pulled my hair."
"Who did?" Dr. Mancini asked.
"My dad," I said, "He showed up last week at my job drunk right as we got an order and he followed Martin and I there and it was a high stress situation because my team was trapped inside the kitchen with a big order and no way out. All hands were needed. I was in charge of the sauce and he kept interrupting me and then he started yelling at me about how the family was falling apart and I needed to talk to my mother and I told him to go away since he wasn't supposed to be in that part of the restaurant. I told him to leave and I turned away and he grabbed my hair and pulled it."
"And what did you do?" Dr. Mancini probed.
"I screamed at him and the cops that were that had just finished eating came in and pulled him off of me. And that was the moment that I realized the weight of everything that he had ever done to me. I felt like such an idiot in front of all my coworkers because of him! I had to cut my hair off because he is never going to do that to me again," I said, looking up at the ceiling, trying to hold back the tears as I felt the embarrassment eat me up again.
"Was that the first time he got physical with you in front of someone else?" Dr. Mancini asked.
"It's the first time he put hands on me in a public area....in front of strangers," i said, nodding, "But, he did a lot of stuff to me in front of my mother. There was one time, he made me walk home six miles after a track meet because I didn't do as well as he wanted. My mom was in the car and could've stopped him, but she kept her mouth shut. And he used to dump ice water on me in bed if I slept too late, like past 6am. If he didn't feel like carrying the ice, he'd slap me awake, my mom also saw that. And he was so controlling, I guess over her as well. We were never really allowed to have any sweets or unless it was a special occasion of my little brother is home. He yelled all the time about stupid stuff like if I didn't break my times every meet or if my mother left his shoes out of place on the rack or basically anything he didn't like. There was one time, I was maybe 10, and I tripped while I was running in a race. I didn't even fall, but it slowed me down a little and I came in third. He gave me the silent treatment, well except for a smack whenever he saw me, for two weeks after that and it made me quit to join football instead. It was only hard because my mom went along with it too."
"How does it feel to have all of this resurfacing?" Dr. Mancini asked.
I took a few deep breaths finally noticing the tears running down my cheeks.
"It sucks," I said, wiping her tears on her sleeve, "My entire life, everything I have done, it has been because my dad pushed me to be better, faster, stronger, and now it feels like all of that has been tainted."
"It doesn't have to be. What you accomplished, you did that. He might have been there to intimidate you, but it was all you."
I nodded, taking a deep breath, just sitting there. "I'm scared," I said, taking a breath.
"Scared of what?"
"Of being like him. Of hurting Rocco like he hurts me and Giacomo and my mom. I spent so much time with him growing up, and I know I still have his temper. I snap too easily and I lash out and I don't think about other people."
"Is that why you feel immersion therapy is best for you?"
"Yes."
"If I may counter, you are here, aren't you? You are clearly doing the work and applying it to your life. You are recognizing the bad patterns in your life and doing something to change it. That is something your mother and father never did. I'm not saying it's not going to be hard, but if you are willing to do the work, you don't have to repeat the patterns you grew up with. Is Rocco abusive to you?"
"No. Never."
"And she grew up with a loving father right?"
"Yeah."
"So it is possible to move beyond what you know into something new and better. You can learn from Rocco."
I know I can! But is it fair to expect him to fix me? "Remember when I said I think about dying?" I've never felt so eager to change the subject in my life.
"I do," Dr. Mancini said, flipping a few pages in his notebook.
"Well, it doesn't work anymore," I sighed with frustration, "When I think about dying or that I should die, it just makes me more anxious instead of comforting me and I haven't been able to fall asleep this whole week. I also have been working a lot this week and someone almost got hurt in one of our weekly kitchen fires and every shift we have one guy call out and I usually pick up their slack. Besides that, I haven't been sleeping well at home and I don't know what to do and I'm exhausted."
"Why doesn't it work anymore?" Dr. Mancini asked, "When you think about it now, how does it make you feel?"
"It just makes me feel more anxious. I think about dying and leaving Rocco and it makes me feel like I can't breathe."
"And why do you think that is?"
"I don't know."
"When did it stop being comforting and start being anxiety inducing?"
"I don't know, recently. Around the time Rocco and Danny fought. I don't know. I had a hard time sleeping around that time because of everything that happened and then since then, thinking about dying hasn't been comforting."
"Do you think it might have to do with Rocco?"
"Maybe. I guess."
"Remember when you told me the only person who ever told you they loved you was your brother until Rocco?" Dr. Mancini asked.
"Yeah," i nodded wiping at tears i wasn't even sure of the reason for.
"Well, do you think it's possible that because you have someone you've put this much effort into loving and who loves you, that dying is something that is less comforting for you now?" Dr. Mancini theorized, "That having something that takes your eyes off of the past and onto something in the present makes the end seem less desirable."
I nodded slowly, feeling like I had suddenly been hit by a ton of bricks. My newly developing feelings for Rocco was the exact thing that was scaring me half to death.
"But now what am I supposed to do about that?" I asked, "I need to sleep and I can't calm the feelings down enough to sleep. I have barely slept in over a week." As I was talking, at some point I had gotten up and started pacing to slow my beating heart. I knew from the way my hands shook and weak feeling in my legs that something was wrong. I was feeling like my ears would burst, like everything was simultaneously too loud and too quiet.
This room was too small! From the tears falling down my cheeks and the rapid rise and fall of my chest told me that I wasn't getting in enough air. He knew.
It was that same feeling I got when I played football. In fact, I decided to stop because of this reoccurring issue.
"Ok," Dr. Mancini said, standing up but keeping a nice distance. "Vincenzo, take a deep breath. We are going to work through this and you are going to sleep." I kept pacing, clearly struggling to breath. "You're having a panic attack. Let's sit down. You're going to be absolutely fine here."
I nodded silently and and followed Dr. Mancini back to my chair. The therapist took some time and guided me through a breathing technique to calm me down enough to speak.
"Ok....i think, I'm ok now."
"Have you ever had a panic attack before?" He asked.
"The first time was right before my first football game," I said, feeling my body shaking a little bit, "I haven't had one since I've stepped on the field or when I see my parents."
"Ok," Dr. Mancini said, "So this is probably not something that is just going to go away. It sounds like you might have an anxiety disorder that's triggered by stress. I should sat, from what I just saw and what you told me, it's probably a panic disorder, but it also seems like you might just have a generalized anxiety disorder. It's probably what's keeping you from sleeping, and it sounds like you had a coping mechanism that isn't working anymore."
"I did?"
"You did say death wasn't working as a comfort anymore."
"So I need a new one. I need thing to think about to calm me down."
"That's one option. But it's not what I would recommend. I want to work on getting to the root of what is causing this anxiety because that's the only way you are going to be able to get past this."
"But I need to sleep now," I said, "Or, not now, but after my shift."
"What is keeping you up?"
"I just keep thinking about everything that i might be putting Rocco through. And how horrible it is and what I should do to make it better. And then I think about losing him because that almost happened a month ago and I think about how shitty of a boyfriend I've probably been to him and how terrible I was to everyone and how I basically break every relationship in my life."
"Why do you say you break every relationship?"
"Because I do," I said, "I put my needs and my goals above everything and everyone. I don't let my personal life get in the way of my professional life, but that means my personal life is a mess and I've never cared until now."
"Why do you care now?"
"I don't know."
"Can I offer a suggestion?"
"Knock yourself out."
"Based on the fact that no one besides your brother and Rocco ever told you they loved you and the abuse from your dad," Dr. Mancini explained, "Its not like you did have a very stable home life so you probably felt very little about keeping that life together. And you were a runner, which can be a very isolating sport meaning you probably didn't feel very much allegiance to anyone. That isolating feeling only being exasperated by your mother's actions. And now you're here. I know what not having any direction in life is like. I know the kind of family this creates and from what I've seen in this new house with Martin, and of your boyfriend, you have a good family now. A safe family that you can trust fully for the first time, but you don't know how to handle that and it scares you."
"How do I fix it?"
"You are starting to do it. You have finally recognized it's a problem. That's the hardest part. The next step is to recognize when it happens. Also, if you want to fix the relationships you feel you have "broken," it starts with talking to the person who you hurt. Talk to Rocco and tell him how you feel. Get his opinion on what you should do as well."
"His opinion is important. I guess I should get it, but what if it's bad?"
"How would you feel talking to him?"
"Better? It feels like maybe he and I can get to having at least a better working relationship. I could tell him that Danny and I were never going to work as anything more than friends anyways, and I don't want to hurt Rocco by trying to keep being friends with him."
"Why would it hurt Rocco?"
"Because he feels like I'll cheat on him with Danny if given the chance," I said, "And I don't want to make him jealous because that's not fair to him."
"Do you think you can still talk about Danny?"
"I think so," I said, nodding, "I've talked to Rocco about it and he says it's fine. I told him he needed to be honest with me and he said he was so I think we're good, but I don't know."
"Are you still having a hard time believing him?"
"Only when it comes to what happened with Danny."
"Why is that?"
"Because I treated him like a replacement," I said, "And I hurt him so much doing that. God, that day that they fought, after we came back to my place, I was so overwhelmed and angry that I told him that I wanted to go back to Danny after I begged him to stay with me. I basically spit in his face and then slammed the door in it. And then I heard him start sobbing right outside the my room door and all I wanted was to do was throw something and scream and comfort him and tell him that I was sorry."
"What did you do?" Dr. Mancini asked.
"I sat on my bed until he left and then I went for a run. I think I ran for three hours until I couldn't feel my toes and my entire leg was throbbing. And then I went home and I thought about dying."
"Like you used to? To help you sleep?"
"No," I said softly, "No. Like I actually sat in my bathroom with a bottle of pills I have from an old injury and thought about just ending it, but I just started to feel scared. And then I went and found my bottle of whiskey and drank probably half a bottle. I don't know. I drank until I passed out."
"Have you thought about it since? About ending it?"
"Sometimes, but like I said, it's not comforting anymore. I've never done anything about it anyway, and I don't think I would, but I don't know, sometimes it just seems like everyone's life would be better, simpler if I weren't in it. I've thought that on and off since I was like nine years old."
"Is that how Rocco feels?" Dr. Mancini asked, "That his life would be better if you weren't in it? Or is that how Martin feels? Has anyone ever told you their life would be better without you in it?"
"My dad," I said, "And my mom, although she was out of her mind at the time, but I know she meant it. Then...Danny did."
"But no one that's actively involved in your life right now?"
I shook my head, "But they act like it sometimes."
"They were mad about the situation," Dr. Mancini said, "But not at you as a human. Does feeling like this ever stop you from doing things you normally enjoy?"
"Kinda," I shrugged, "I mean, I don't go out with everyone, like at all anymore because they don't want me to be around, but most of the time, I'm just too tired."
"That's another symptom of depression. Have you ever told anyone about feeling like this?"
"No."
"Would you ever consider telling someone?"
"I don't want to. I just need to embrace the pain and get through it."
"It's your choice whether or not you want to tell anyone. But this is not just something that will just go away, at least not quickly. You are dealing with a lot of stuff that is going to be a long road to figuring out. It's good to have support through that."
"I don't want to scare anyone," I admitted, "I don't want anyone to have to deal with my brokenness. Rocco told me early in our relationship that he's not in the habit of fixing broken people, and I don't want to ask him to."
"Telling him doesn't mean he has to fix you. That's actually not healthy for him to try to fix you as he's not a qualified therapist. But letting him know what's going on will probably help him understand what had been going on with you."
"I'll think about it."
"That's what I want you to do this week," Dr. Mancini said, looking at his watch, "I want you to either talk to at least one person you have hurt or write them a letter if it's too overwhelming to talk to them right now, although you will eventually have to tell them in order for this to work. Also I want you to think about telling Rocco what's been going on."
For that.....I think Martin was the best place to start with apologies. It's not like I could apologize to Danny again without starting problems for myself. "Ok, Doc."
"As for your sleep. I have a few things for you to try. The first is a meditation app called Calm. Just check it out. There's another one called headspace. Try using those before you go to sleep. And when you start to think of something that makes you anxious, I want you to write it down and then tell yourself now that it's written down, you can deal with it later. Should your problem persist, I'll prescribe some medicine for you."
"Yessir."
"You need to rest Vincenzo. Sleep is very important for a growing young man like yourself," Dr. Mancini dropped his professional tone and spoke to me softly, as if I were a child. "Is there any way you can call out of work today in charge for a few hours so you can take a break?"
"I'll be fine for this shift. It's not until tomorrow," i said, "And I'm all caught up on my schoolwork so maybe I can try to rest during chores tonight. Thank you. See you next week."
"See you next week Vincenzo. Let me know if the techniques for sleeping don't work."
I nodded and slipped on my coat to leave. I walked outside to the car, Sam let Martin use, repeating what seemed to be my new normal post-therapy routine.
"Yo, this was.....Is everything ok? Did something happen?" Martin's impatience quickly turned into concern.
"No," I said, shaking my head and getting in the passenger seat, "Can you, uh, get in and close the door?"
"What wrong dude?" Martin got in the drivers seat and closed his door.
"Are you busy right now?" I asked, taking a deep breath. I didn't want to put more on his plate to distract him.
"Not with anything that can't wait," Martin said, shaking his head, "What's up? Is something going on?Am I getting good news or bad news or something because..."
"I'm sorry," i spilled out, cutting him off.
"What?" Martin said, looking confused.
"I'm sorry," i repeated, "I'm sorry for how I have treated you for the past few months. I'm sorry for everything I lied to you about in the past and I'm sorry I acted like you meant nothing to me and I'm sorry I used you to help me do bad things when I was pissed off and hurting in the past. I'm sorry I threw you getting arrested in your face that day. Im sorry I thought you were stupid. I'm sorry I let you and Danny fall out when I could've easily stopped it, and I'm sorry I have been such a shitty friend, brother, and person to you ever. I'm sorry I broke your trust and our friendship or whatever it was before we started living in the same house. I just... I'm just sorry."
"Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" Martin joked, laughing a little before looking at me and seeing the tears i was trying to keep out of my eyes, "Hey. Thank you. It really means a lot that you said all that. I'm sorry too, for being so hard on you when you were going through that heavy stuff with your family. Besides, we were both shitty to Danny on our own. I knew it was wrong to beat him up, but I didn't stop myself."
"Don't blame yourself," I told him, shaking my head, "I was.....am so broken, but I'm working on it. I'm taking therapy really seriously now."
"Really?" Martin said, leaning back in his chair, "Wow. I never thought I'd see the day that Vincenzo Devellis decided to apologize from the heart."
"Neither did I," i chuckled a little as i wiped the remaining tears from my face, "But it's not fair to Rocco to ask him to be with me if I'm not willing to really try to work on some of the broken."
"You really like him and care about him," Martin said as a half question half statement.
"Yeah," Maya said, "I guess I really do like him."
"I have never seen you like you are with him ever, not with your exs, not with anyone," Martin said, "I'm glad you were able to connect with him. You deserve to be happy for once Vincenzo."
"So do you Martin," I said. "Thanks for listening to my apology."
"Of course," Martin said, nodding, "We should go home. Be with that amazing guy who you love so much."
"He has a family thing today," I said with a sigh, "We are on opposite schedules this week."
"Well, you should still go home and sleep. No offence Vinny, but you've been looking like shit."
"Shut up, Martin." I be pulled out my phone and pressed Rocco's contact.
""Chao bello,"" Rocco said, picking up quickly, ""Is everything alright?""
"Yeah," i said, watching the buildings go by me, "Just about to go home and turn in for the night and wanted to talk to you before I did."
""You're going to bed already?"" Rocco asked, ""Vinny, it's barely 6pm. Are you sure you're alright? Are you getting sick?""
"Just tired. Very, very tired. How has your day been?"
"It's been good,"" Rocco said, ""I helped my mom deliver triplets this afternoon at my aunts house and all the babies are really healthy. The rest of the day had been uneventful. How was your day? Any big calls?""
"No," i said, "I mean, the only thing I really did today was therapy."l
""I miss you Bello.""
"I'll see you soon. What time do you get off?"
""In a hour.""
"Yeah, i'll make some dinner for us for when you come over."
""Can't wait! Now, get some sleep.""
"Ok," I swiftly hung up the phone and waited until Martin and I reached our apartment.
Before I tried to sleep, I turned on the meditation app recommended to me. Then I grabbed a notebook and started writing down everything that I was thinking about. The more I wrote, the more frustrated I grew that nothing i was doing was calming me down.
After another hour of trying to sleep, i got up, and went to the weight bench in the living room. I loaded up the bar and started lifting, just trying to get my mind to shut up.
After my arms were exhausted, I grabbed a jump rope, hopping from one foot to the other. Martin walked in while I was jumping rope, just standing in the doorway for a minute before speaking.
"What's up Martin?"
"Nothing," he said, "I thought you were going to sleep almost two hours ago, but this doesn't look like turning in."
"I couldn't sleep," I told him, stopping the rope, "I just needed to get some of my energy."
"How do you have energy? I know you don't sleep well usually."
"I just do, ok! I can't sleep because I have all this energy I need to work out."
"Ok."
"I'm fine."
"Alright."
"Thanks."
It was almost midnight when i finally went back to my bed. I was about to try to sleep again when the alarm went off. Groaning, I walked back out of my room.
"Still going?" Martin asked.
"I'm gonna run."
"Vinny, you didn't sleep last night at all," Martin said, "How could you possibly want to go run right now?"
"I just do."
"Fine, just don't collapse outside."
I ended up running for almost an hour before going home. The second i stepped through the door and saw the time, i started cussing at myself.
I smelled terrible, like a combination of outside and sweat from my run. I decided to take a fast shower, knowing that I needed to get the nastiness off of me.
Once I was done, i headed into the kitchen. Martin came out to see what i was doing.
"Im hungry," i said, opening the fridge and looking inside, trying to figure out what to make, "But, I want to make something for Rocco too."
"Vinny, Hey, calm down. Rocco won't care."
"Rocco won't care about what?" A voice asked, walking into the kitchen. I had somewhat forgotten that Martin had given him the spare key.
"No, You're not supposed to be here yet." I groaned.
"I just wanted to see you for a bit," Rocco put his hand in mine and led me back into my bedroom. "Vinny, what's going on?"
"I...." I didn't know why I was tearing up, I just was.
"Ok," Rocco pulled me close, "Ok. I'm right here, Cuore mio. It's going to be ok. Something is clearly wrong. Talk to me."
"I lied to you," I admitted softly, "I'm sorry."
"About what?"
"I told you there was no mental illness in my family. But that's not true. At least not anymore."
"What are you talking about?"
"Dr. Mancini thinks... Dr. Mancini told me.... that he thinks I have an anxiety disorder."
"Oh Vinny," Rocco pulled me close, "It's ok. It's ok. You will be ok."
"Do you not like me now?"
"Of course I still like you. Things are just starting to make more sense now to me. Your panic attacks, the self-destructive behavior, the constant exhaustion, the inability to sleep, all of those are symptoms of anxiety and depression, right?
"I'm sorry. I should've known earlier."
"No," Rocco said, "No apologizing for this. Did Dr. Mancini tell you this earlier?"
"Yes,I had a panic attack during our session and then I told him it's the worst it's been in months and she told me it's probably an anxiety disorder. Then we were talking about some stuff and she thinks it's probably because of my depression too and now I just feel so broken and I completely understand if you just want to leave right now. I wouldn't blame you."
"Why would I leave again?"
"You said you aren't in the habit of fixing broken people. And I'm about as broken as it comes, but if you're going to leave, can you just do it? I'm sick of waiting for the inevitable!"
"I'm not going to leave. I am also not going to try to fix you. I will be here for you, but I am not going to try to fix you. Let me have your back ok?"
I didn't deserve this whatsoever. It still felt like I was anchoring him to the losing side and holding him back. "Please stay with me."
"What did you talk to him about today? Like what made him think you have depression? Not that I didn't already know, just wondering. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I want you to know you can tell me anything you want. I know what I can handle, and I can handle you Vinny."
"Before I tell you that, I need to tell you something else. This was actually my therapy assignment from this week, so I'm gonna do it now."
"Ok."
"I'm sorry," I started, "I'm sorry for making you feel like I was going to cheat on you with Danny and for pushing you away and being so emotional and angry almost all the time. Im sorry for making you feel like a replacement for Danny. I'm sorry for projecting how I was feeling about my mom and dad onto you and for yelling at you when you tried to help. I'm sorry for not being there for you after the fight when you needed me and for doing things that hurt you. I'm sorry for not being the person you deserve and I'm sorry for taking you for granted, and it's no excuse but I feel more for you than I do for Danny! Im sorry I made you feel insecure! I'm really sorry I did that."
"Oh Vinny. Thank you for saying all of that. It's definitely not all on you though. I pushed you in ways you weren't ready for and didn't back off when you and Martin asked me too. I think I caused more damage by meddling too. Honestly, I am part of what broke you too and for that, I am sorry. And I forgive you. That does not mean it doesn't hurt, but I do forgive you."
"Thank you," This was not the first time we had had a version of this conversation, but it still was something that we both clearly needed to say.
"Are you hungry Vinny?" Rocco asked, wiping the tears away from my cheeks.
"Not really, But you should go eat. If you're hungry."
"You need to eat Vinny."
"I just don't feel well right now," I said, shaking my head, "Go eat, I'll be fine."
"Do you want to talk some more? Or do you want to sleep?" Rocco played with my hair as I started to feel a bit more comfortable.
I couldn't help but laugh. "Roc..,"
"What?" Rocco asked, confused.
"Honestly, I have barely slept in the past three weeks. Maybe more."
"Oh Vinny. Come here."
I crawled into his arms and let him hold me as we lay down together in my bed. He made sure to rub my back and cover my eyes. "What has been keeping you up?" Rocco asked gently.
"Everything. I just start thinking and I can't stop and then I get up and work out. Dr. Mancini thinks it's because I have someone I care about now which has rendered my old way of falling asleep useless."
"How did you used to fall asleep?"
"I used to think about dying. Nothing too violent, but about the day, at the end of my life when I could finally just be done with it all. It always used to make me feel comforted somehow, like at some point all of this awfulness would end and I would be able to sleep, but now, when I think about dying, I just think about leaving you and most of the time, that just kicks up my anxiety even more."
"Most of the time?"
"Yeah," I said, debating if i wanted to tell Rocco so soon or not, "Sometimes I think that if I died right now, it would just be better for everyone."
A soft gasp escaped Rocco's lips as I assume I confirmed the worst, that I was at least somewhat suicidal. "I already knew that, but.....I didn't think I'd hear you say it out loud."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just pretend I didn't say that. I've never really tried to consciously do anything. That was too much. I'm sorry."
"No, No. Do not apologize. Vinny, these are not tears because I am mad at you for telling me. These are tears of hurt for you. It makes me sad that you think this world would be better without you in it because that is not the case at all. Everything you're trying to do to fix yourself proves that. I just wish you knew that and believed that. What do you mean never really?"
I was seriously debating whether or not i should seriously answer this. But I should just lay it all out on the table now that I was already almost all the way there. He was really taking this way better than I thought he would.
Why was I so scared?
"I seriously thought about swallowing a bottle of pills I have from an old injury."
"When?"
"Remember when I told you that I got hit by a car a while back. But the important thing is I didn't take them. I put them back and drank whiskey instead...And now you look scared."
"I am not going anywhere," Rocco said, "I might need some time to process this and figure out how to deal with it, but for right now, I'm staying."
"Aren't you in the medical field?"
"My mom and I just help people who give home births like she did in Italy. For this, I'm glad you have a therapist. Did Dr. Mancini give you anything to help you sleep?"
"He gave me some meditation techniques," I showed him the Calm app on my phone.
"Ok, is it helping?"
"No clue, I haven't tried it yet."
"Hey, It's ok. I'm only asking because I think it might be a good idea if you take something to help you sleep, at least right now. Everything is going to keep spiraling if you don't sleep."
"I'm sorry I just dumped all of this on you."
"Don't be sorry Bella. It's good you told me. It's important in a relationship to be honest about this kind of stuff. I will never be mad about you opening up to me about this kind of stuff."
"You can tell me how you're doing too. What you are thinking."
"I am feeling a little tired from handling newborns all day. What would you think about tomorrow, having Sam and Martin hang out here with you and I will go with my mom to finish up with this client and hurry right back?"
"I don't need a babysitter," I pouted. "And I don't really want to tell them what's going on."
"So I will tell them you're sick. And you can call out of work for once and just hang out in here and sleep and they can play games or just hang out in the living room. You don't have to tell them anything, but I just don't want you to be alone. It would make me feel better."
I nodded, agreeing to his suggestion as it was for my sake.
Before I knew what was going on, I felt a wave of exhaustion was over my entire body. I felt a soft pair of lips kiss my forehead before a body wrapped around mine a little tighter than normal, just trying to make me feel how much i was truly loved and cared for. My body immediately relaxed into the bed. The mattress was way more comfortable than I'd been realized, the perfect balance between soft and firm. Even the sheets smelled nice.
I thought I would feel more uncomfortable going to sleep in Rocco's arms, but apparently I was more exhausted from than I'd even realized.
Surprisingly, I was asleep within minutes.