Whenever I see him, the past starts to weigh down on me again, forcing me to lower my head or step away. I guess it was bound to happen this way at some point. I kept trying to tell myself that this was for the best, that false hope is futile to wish for, that I would only end up hurting him more, and I was being graceful by sparking him inevitable pain. But in reality, it's only coping mechanism to hold me right above the truth of the matter.
All this time, I just didn't want to suffer, even when I knew just how much I was making him suffer. But it seems my suffering is inevitable, because I'm so jealous. Jealous how Ashton is able to freely hug and kiss and express his feelings to Danny in a way that I could never have a chance of doing. I'm so jealous that it was driving me crazy!
I miss Danny....I want to see him too. Not with someone else, or from afar, but up close and personal. I want him to cuddle with me and have him assure me that everything was going to be alright. He was the only person I needed and I needed him to see me the same way.
Oh, I understand exactly how I feel about Danny. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to speak to him just once and disregard Dr. Mancini's advice to stay away for now. I'll call out to him....but what am I going to say if I actually speak to him? Tell him that I'm trying my hardest to cure my obsession with having him all to myself? Tell him that I'm sorry for hurting him with all the nasty things I said and did to him? What if Danny's already over me? If that's the case, what am I supposed to do?
This just proves that I can't speak to him yet.
Even after he started to date Ashton, Danny came to me in my dreams. I even hallucinated while I was drunk that he was next to me taking care of me. That's how I know I might never get over Danny fully.
This is the first time I considered that I might never speak to Danny again, and it terrifies me to no end. I wonder if this is a sign that I should just transfer schools. I keep telling myself that the past ten years were just a nightmare, after all Danny came to me in my dreams every night, so I had convinced myself that I had dreamed the entire thing!
But I can clearly remember the feel of hitting him for the first time. I remember his heartbroken looks when I kept wishing for him to die. I remember him being in the hospital a lot thanks to my actions. I remember the sight of him being beaten up right in front of me and him crying harder when I didn't help him. I remember blaming him for all the misfortunes I had brought upon him. I remember taking the medical equipment he needed every chance I could. I remember almost ending his life on multiple occasions.
I remember it all.
I wasn't in my right mind, and as shitty as my actions were, I had no intention of hurting him like I did. But I still intentionally hurt him worse than I ! I remember how Danny begged and cried and shook in fear when it came to me. I had plenty of chances to stop.
Truth is, I might've wanted to kill Danny, because I hated him as much as I loved him. I knew he was too weak to defend himself.....I knew that. I wondered all the time, how he could possibly have smiled in front of me all that time. I want to know the pain I had caused him and erase the scars I had left on him completely.
Instead of shedding tears, I could only face the truth now as it was made clearer to me by Dr. Mancini. I can handle the pain of everyday life without him, at least then I can could see him from afar. I deserved this painful stabbing feeling in my heart every time I saw him and Ashton. This pain was my karma.
I hope he was as happy as I felt miserable, because no matter what I do, the past will remain as it was and it was too late for redemption. I had no right whatsoever to ask him for his love again, so all I can do I wish for his happiness. As for me, I'll suffer as much as I deserve to suffer, because I'll never be able to forget him.
I entered the school parking lot as this was a good shortcut to the bus stop, but I couldn't help but catch a glimpse Ashton and Danny together. Ashton had picked Danny up and threw him into the backseat of his car before climbing in after him. And a minute later, the car started to rock back and forth uncontrollably. I should've turned as soon as I had seen them, because a few seconds later I could hear what sounded like Danny's muffled screams of pleasure.
Just another thing that could've been all mine that I fucked up. That could've been me on top of Danny! That could've been me making him scream like that under me! And I fucked it up!
It should be me! He should be mine!
I turned on my heels before I could spiral any further and booked it back into school trying to keep my lunch down. Whatever they were up too was none of my business! I'm not entitled to know! It's not my business!
Still, what if Ashton was forcing him! It's not like Danny could fight back! Maybe this was fate giving me a chance to get in good with....I stopped myself realizing how crazy that actually sounded. They were dating, of course they would have sex.
It had nothing to do with me!
Ugh! Without Danny, I didn't know what I should I do or where I should go next. I don't have a clue how to keep myself grounded in reality! If Danny were trying to decide what to do he would....he would.....fuck! What did I actually know about him to know what he would do in my situation! I should've taken an interest in his hobbies and what he liked to do or think about while I had the chance.
Things really haven't changed for me at all! Danny's still all I can think about! From the time I wake up to when I go to sleep, I think about him no matter how much I try to stop.
Maybe they were in the car fighting each other over something. That scream was just Danny getting hit or something.....although I've never actually seen Ashton get violent with anyone. Still....there's no way they were having sex, right?
No, that asshole would definitely try to bed Danny the first chance he got. But Danny isn't the type to just hop into bed with someone. Or is he? This is so fucked up, I don't know. At this point I'm not sure about anything anymore.
"What're you doing here?" I heard a voice ask me. It was Sam. He'd become friends with Danny so surely he would know something I didn't. Maybe I saw two people who just looked similar!
"Do you know where Danny is?" I asked him.
"Danny? I dunno, he went off after the basketball game."
"Then Ashton, where is he?"
"With Danny. Do I have to know where those two are all the time? Is there a problem?" Sam asked. "From what I see, the two just went off and are enjoying their honeymoon together."
"Honeymoon?" I snapped. "What makes you say that?!"
"Woah!"Sam put his hands up. "Don't give me that look, I'm only guessing. It's pretty obvious that there's something wrong since you're asking about what a guy and his lover are up to. While I don't know where they are, I know Danny isn't the type to cheat on someone."
Did Sam know what exactly was going on right now? Did he know all the details of what happened? Did Danny tell him everything that happened between us? "There's nothing going on, I was just wondering what was up."
"Oh, well don't just stand there like a bum, wait for him at his house or something," Sam sighed. "Are you alright, dude? You look like the world just ended."
Because in my head I did. There was no fooling myself with anything anymore. I did just see Ashton and Danny together at his car. They were going at it in the backseat! They do really like each other so much that even Sam noticed.
Did he forget about me? "No, why are they even going out with each other?" I asked Sam.
"Because they like each other," Sam offered. "Vincenzo, Danny made himself clear. If you lust after him, even if you beat him, break him or take him by force, he'll never give you his heart out of fear of receiving pain. He just wants you to help yourself this time."
Why won't he just pick me? That's all the help I needed! Why can't it ever be me?! I know I'm capable of turning the nightmare that I turned out friendship into around into something really good. "He doesn't know what he's doing! He's obviously just playing hard to get-"
"Dude, do you honestly believe Danny would do something like that?" Sam asked.
Danny did everything he could to avoid receiving attention for anything. Dammit, I'm talking down on him again! "No....what I meant was-"
"Vinny, you're doing the exact opposite of getting better. You acting like this would make anyone think that you aren't serious about your apology. You're only reflecting everything onto everyone but yourself. Have you even thought about anything or tried to find new hobbies to take up space in your mind? Have you actually put in effort to change yourself for the better or are you just feeling sorry for yourself?"
"I changed my classes and all-
"Vincenzo, forget about Danny for now and just do the counseling you're supposed to do. You can always restart your friendship at a later date. What happened has already happened, you know, it can't be taken back. But it's over now, you have to move on from the past." Sam shook his head. "You're the only one stuck there and it's only going to make you self destruct."
With that, I felt as though I was slapped back into reality. Nothing will change, I will always hold this guilt with me, but Danny will never want to be with me ever again. He doesn't love me anymore, because I destroyed that myself. He can't help but be afraid of me, because I had undeniably almost killed him on multiple occasions. I manipulated him and abused him so badly to the point where he got physically and mentally sick!
"Fallen flowers cannot return to their branches, and a broken mirror can never shine again."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"It means what's done is done. Move on before you actually go insane, bro. I have my car back, want me to drive you too therapy today?" Sam showed off his keys.
"Um, yeah, thanks. I mean, if you don't mind," I said.
Sam spun me around and we entered the school parking lot again. As soon as we walked a few feet in, we both were compelled by a muffled series of screams and moans and a shaking car.
"Oh someone's getting it on," Sam said uninterested. "Everyone's getting some but me. Doesn't it suck-"
"That's Ashton's car," I growled. Sam went red in the face and took another look at the rocking car.
"W-well let's get out of here then!" Sam nervously and quickly pushed me all the way to his car. We quickly hopped in and sat in silence for a bit as he pulled out of his parking space. "Maybe you got the wrong car."
"I know his car, it was Ashton's car."
"Then, that was Danny?" Sam blushed even harder. What the hell is going on here.
"What?"
"Nothing, just thinking if only he was a girl, I'd probably do that too," Sam answered. "Especially to hear him scream like that....well after Danny showed me all the marks on him it wasn't like I didn't know. Ugh! Now I'm picturing it! It's not hot anymore!"
So other people have noticed his little quirk. Danny was fucking beautiful; handsome and sexy, his soft features and tiny, lean frame immediately drawing and holding anyones attention. Especially those plump pink lips. His hair was a shock of jet black, wild and unruly, and his foxy bedroom eyes were the most striking dark brown you had ever seem. Even from across the room you could see the brightness shining in them. They looked alive and burned with a passion I could only dream of feeling.
It was enough to confuse and arouse anyone straight or gay.
That might've been the reason Martin hated him so much. A few years back, Martin had gotten drunk and told me all about how he thought Danny would be a good lay and how he's been having dreams all about it. I remembered exactly how he said it as well. He said: I feel bad that I started to tease Danny, but he still tries his best to be nice to me, and that's kind of cute. More than anything i keep dreaming about what his face would look like if i fucked him. I'm thinking about going for it.
I had been so pissed when I heard that. Obviously, Martin didn't remember what he had said to me but he had started being considerably nicer to Danny that morning. As soon as I could have a moment alone with him, I lied and told Martin that Danny had thought of him as some foolish fag that disgusted him to no end, because I knew that Martin was considerably insecure about his brains and his confusion about his sexuality. I had him convinced that Danny knew and was purposely trying to make him feel like an idiot for liking him.
Like I had expected, Martin stopped being nice to Danny and actively started to bully him, so I kept feeding him false information every chance I could. What I hadn't expected was for him to go as far as actually beating him up like that. In some way, I had fed his insecurities so much and do so often that I had made him want to really hurt Danny.
I had gotten so scared just watching him get beaten down so violently, that I didn't snap back into reality until Martin had started to draw blood. In the hospital, looking at him hooked up to a bunch of machines almost broke me. But I still felt that this was what he had coming for seducing other people.
After he had woken up from his coma, I made sure I blamed him for what had happened to his face, and kept being arrogant with him even though he ended up like that because of me. Just seeing his dead eyes staring back at me pissed me off even more. While he was ventilated and couldn't actually speak, his eyes told me that he wouldn't be the same.
I told Martin to never touch Danny again, but I didn't think he would hold a grudge for so long and do it again. After I had heard what Martin had done I finally told him the truth. That nothing I had ever told him about Danny had been true. When he realized that I hadn't been joking, Martin in his rage attacked me and we ended up fighting in the teachers office.
After all that, another thing that I hadn't expected happened. Martin asked for the school secretary to call the police into the room. When they entered, he confessed to violent harassment and attempted murder as he broke down into a teary mess in front of me and the staff. The policemen took him, not in handcuffs, into their car and I haven't seen him since.
That familiar twinge of guilt started to creep up again.
"Did you really think I was friends with Martin?" I asked Sam.
"Well, yeah. You two were the best of friends it looked like," Sam said. "It was impossible to find one without the other."
"I wasn't his friend."
"You weren't? Martin always thought of you as his closest friend and a brother, everyone knew that. You were the only one who he would actually listen to, ya know. He was really grateful to you for some reason." Sam said. Now I just felt even worse about it.
I had never really thought of Martin as my friend, just a pawn I used and kept close to me so he wouldn't go after Danny. He was so easy to manipulate because he was the most insecure stupid guy I had ever met. I thought I could drop him and feel nothing. But to him, I was really his only friend that had his back. But I betrayed him as well because I refused to think of him as a real person.
Who knows what I did to his mental state?
"I'm a bad person," I looked out of the window and realized that we were right outside of the therapy clinic. How long had we been here?
"Vinny, you've been bad to people but that doesn't mean it's too late for you to change that, right? It takes time to change." Sam told me. "You probably have some problems with your home life and your parents. Everything starts there. Call me when you're done, I'll pick you up."
"No, I've been coming here for a week straight. I'll probably call my parents this time."
"See ya dude, you can do it!" Sam gave me a thumbs up. I nodded at him and walked inside bypassing the front desk after seeing that bitch receptionist that was there the first time I had come here.
"Sorry, I'm late," I said walking in. "I got a bit lost in my thoughts."
"It's alright, it's only ten minutes," Dr. Mancini put on his glasses and picked up his notepad and pen. "Now, Vincenzo, what's on your mind? Did something startle you today?"
"Yes, I saw them....well I didn't see them, I heard them being intimate. After a few days of trying not to be near him completely, I almost lost my composure when I heard them!" I snapped. "I kept repeating that it was none of my business but I almost lost my damn mind! Why the fuck would he do that!"
"Isn't that what couples do?"
"Yes but....Dan-"
"Daniel is an adult who also has sexual needs as all men do. As long as it was consensual, why did you feel as though you would lose your mind?"
"Because it should be me!"
"Jealousy can make us do and feel irrational things if it's heavy enough. la gelosia è un assassino."
"Jealousy? You think I'm jealous of Ashton?"
"There was a man, Antonio Gozzini hit his 62-year-old wife, over the head with a rolling pin while she was fast asleep. The blow was ferocious enough to knock her out cold. He then slit her throat, sliced up her legs, and kept watch over her body for the next 24 hours. He has just been cleared of his wife's murder after an appellate court ruled that he suffered a 'raptus'—or a kind of seizure—fed by a 'delirium of jealousy that destroyed his relationship with reality and triggered an irresistible homicidal urge'. Get my point?" Dr. Mansini explained.
I get it. "Ok, I'm jealous. The more I think about it, the more I think that it could've been me. I should be the one to touch him! I still want him so badly! I can't believe that I lost to that loser!"
"Was this a competition?"
"No?"
"Then what would you have been proving by 'winning.'" Dr. Mancini asked.
What was I trying to prove? That I could have him if I wanted to? Have I been treating this entire thing like a game. "I don't actually know. Let's switch topics. I thought of someone else today....Martin."
"The one you said wasn't your friend?"
"I just found out that he really thought of me as his friend."
"Tell me a little about Martin."
"He's got a lower IQ than most people but what he lacks in brains he makes up for in brawn. I was genuinely surprised when he studied his ass off to get into AP classes, because I definitely didn't think he was smart enough. We had our first drink together when we broke into his dads liquor cabinet in the sixth grade," I smiled at the memory because I think that was really the only time I thought of him as someone cool. "He really trusted me."
"Ok."
"When we were younger, he told me that he was attracted to Danny while he was drunk. He didn't remember what he said to me but I did."
"How did you feel?"
"I was pissed off."
"What did you do about it?"
"I put a bug in his ear and told him that Danny was making fun of him behind his back. He had no reason not to believe me since I was his best friend. I kept on telling him things like that to make him stop liking Danny."
"You took advantage of his insecurities?"
Yeah, that guilt was eating at me like hell. "Yes, I did. But I didn't think it would make him beat up Danny. When I told him the truth after he beat Danny up, he just looked like he was about to die. I've never seen him cry before that."
"Why do you feel he cried?"
"Because to him, I was his best friend, but in reality I was just using the fact that he was too dumb to realize that he was being manipulated. I took advantage of his trust and his need to be accepted and never gave him a real friendship." I felt tears start to fall down my face as the guilt started to become too much for me. "He broke down like that and turned himself into the police for attempted murder."
"Perhaps he doesn't know how to handle guilt and humiliation."
"Humiliation?"
"He one sidedly thought you were his friend since the seventh grade, only to find out that he was being manipulated the entire time. That moment of betrayal opened his eyes to what he had done, and not everyone can handle that emotion like you can. It drives most people crazy."
"I think I broke him. I only wanted him not to like Danny and I ended up destroying his mind because I could. I can't get the look he had on his face when it happened...he looked like he had died."
"Was it the same look Danny had in the hospital?"
My stomach dropped into my ass. "Yes, it was exactly the same. Like I had killed him." If all I was doing was killing people's spirit....why were people so eager to try and get close to me? Was it because I was popular or because people were afraid of me? I mean, it wasn't like I was really nice to anyone.
"The root cause of manipulative behavior can often be toxic cycles of violence, narcissism, or unhealthy relationships in the manipulator's own childhood. You can tell the difference between healthy compromise and unhealthy manipulation by whether there's fear involved. With compromise, there won't be the thought 'If I don't do what that person says they are going to leave me or hurt me.'" Dr. Mancini said. "Which brings us to the root of the problem here-" a sudden knock cut Dr. Mancini off. He got up and went to the door. "Vincenzo, would you be comfortable with your mother being here?"
"How'd she know I was here?"
"I let her know after our first session. A minor really does need parental consent here, she can wait outside or come in here to join us."
"What would be best for me?" I asked.
"Please send her in," Dr. Mancini said to the person at the door. After a minute of sitting in silence my mother nervously entered the therapy room.
"You're really here? How do you expect-" she immediately tried to scold me but I didn't feel like hearing it.
"But you haven't paid a dime, have you? It's already being taken care of by a close friend," I snapped at her. She pulled a sour face but sat down next to me leaving a sizable distance between us on the couch.
"Would you like her to listen or actively participate, Vincenzo?" Dr. Mancini had picked up his notepad again and seemed eager to continue.
"I don't know."
"How about we start with your grievances towards your mother, Vincenzo. You told me she lied to you about a lot of things. Why do you feel she did that?"
"She wanted to keep me under her control so I wouldn't cause any trouble for her and my father. Still, no matter what I did, she kept acting like I was causing trouble and couldn't be trusted, even when I was doing what I was supposed to do. If I got good grades, she told me that the grades wouldn't matter until high school and not to bring her another report card until then. No matter what accomplishment I had in sports or in school, she told me that anyone could do what I did, so it didn't really matter unless I did a lot better than everyone else. She put a lot of pressure on me to succeed, but when I did she just punished me for it." I spilled. "I can't tell you how many times I've heard her wish that she had never given birth to me."
"You heard me say that?" Mom asked.
"Yes! How could I not?! I was sitting right across from you every time you said it! But it's not like you ever really acknowledged me existing except to yell at me for something you think I did. Every time you told me to do something, I'd put my best into it and I would succeed, just for you to accuse me of cheating or take away something I liked," I said. "You only ever acknowledged me to tell me how horrible or annoying I was to you."
"I didn't think-" my mom tried to deflect but if I had to be rooted in reality, so did she.
"I ran away! I was gone for ten days and someone else had to bring me home! You didn't bother to look for me at all! Not even a police report! You know dad is stronger than I am and I got really hurt, but you wouldn't even look for me and you just assumed it was my fault! It was all the confirmation I needed to know that you never gave a fuck about me! You just stay silent whenever dad and I go at it!" I felt my eyes start to burn. "Why didn't you just give me away if you didn't want me at all? If you're so ashamed to have me as your son or you hate me that much, why did you even give birth to me?!"
"I do love you, you're my son! I raised you-"
"No, you only fed me. Danny's father and Danny raised me because you gave up on me when I was just a kid. I also knew about your plans to send me to Italy so grandma could raise me. You wanted to get rid of me for years and I knew that. I did what I could to try and get you to look at me as anything other than a burden, but you still can't do it!" I was full on crying at this point. "Even now, I'm trying to help myself but you just wanted to yell at me for it and tell me to stop. You and dad can't help but resent me....and I don't know why! So just tell me already because I'm tired of guessing!" My mother sat there in shock as I let my true feelings pour out. "Should I just go somewhere else so you can finally have the family you've always wanted?"
"I...." My mom was desperately looking for something to say.
"The entire family talks about me like I'm a piece of shit when they visit. But they could only really know about me through you telling Nonna, because it's not like you took me on those lavish social outings you took with Giacomo and dad. Everything Giacomo does is the best, everything dad does is perfect, but everything I do is wrong," I took up some of the tissues in the box Dr. Mansini set down in front of us. "You knew Danny and I had a solid friendship, I ruined that myself, but I can't deny that you were the catalyst for it."
"Why did you feel the need to meddle with their friendship, Mrs. Devellis?" Dr. Mansini inquired.
"I just wanted to find out what my son was doing."
"You could've just asked!"
"You would've just lied!" Mom snapped.
"Did you try to ever ask him anything?" Dr. Mansini jumped in. My mom thought about it hard before shaking her head. "Then what makes you think that he's a liar?"
"Because my dad cheated on her when she got knocked up with me, and I'm my fathers child, so I must be no good since my dad cheated. But Giacomo is perfect since dad didn't cheat on her during that pregnancy." I said bitterly.
My mom looked at me shocked. "That's not what-"
"You didn't care, you never cared." I decided. "To you, I'm just no good."
"Vincenzo, let your mother respond," Dr. Mancini demanded.
"I didn't think that what I had said or done was effecting you. I just thought with your disability, you wouldn't be like everyone else." Mom confessed. She looked like she was really trying not to cry. "I just didn't think I could do things with you normally."
"So instead of learning about what to do, you just frame me of cheating, lying and push me onto other people to raise me?" I asked. "You and dad couldn't be bothered to once say that you love me or are proud of me."
"We never said that we loved you?" My mom widened her eyes in shock. "I'm sure we did....I think we...."
"Not once since I can remember. No pat on the back, no affection, no love. I only ever got that from Danny and his father, but I don't think I could ever go back over there," I said. "Because you meddled, I thought Danny was lying to me as well, so I bullied him very badly. I was so mad that he betrayed me for you, that I almost killed him on multiple occasions. Then I found out that you had lied to him as well, but by then it was too late."
"Why did you bully him?"
"Because I love him and he was the only one who cared about me for real! I killed that love though," my crying turned to ugly sobs of agony as the weight of situation was dawning on me for the fifth time today. "I ruined every relationship I had and there's no one to blame but myself. Why would you give birth to someone as shitty as I am?! Why didn't you just leave me to die if you were just going to hate me from the beginning!"
"Bambino-"
"I wish dad had just killed me that night! At least then.....I wouldn't feel this much guilt and shame!" I sobbed harder. "I fucked up so badly! I ruined multiple people's lives because it was impossible for me to see them as human beings! I understand why you didn't try to even love me a little bit! It was because it's not possible to love me! I'm too much of a piece of shit for anyone! I'm dangerous and defective!"
"Vinny, you're not-"
"There's something wrong with me, why aren't you hearing that part?!" I snapped at her. "I'm fucked in the head! I need help! Why can't you help me just one time?!"
"How can I do that?!" She cried. "How do I help you out?!"
"I DON'T KNOW!!!"
"Why don't you ask her your burning questions, Vincenzo." Dr. Mansini suggested.
"When did you and dad stop loving me?" I asked.
"I never stopped, I just....I didn't know how. Ignoring you may not have been the best route, but I wasn't sure what else to do."
"But you could with Giacomo. Why am I different?"
"Giacomo was...."
"He was normal when he was born?" I asked. My mother dropped her head but unfortunately didn't refuse my claim. Was that really it? "The only thing wrong was that I was hyperactive and I grew out of it. Why did you tell Nonna I was so terrible?"
"I just told her what I believed to be true."
"So you let her talk down to me as well? My only place of refuge was Danny, why did you want to ruin that?" I asked.
"I didn't want to ruin anything I just needed to keep an eye on you!"
"Let's rephrase that question, Mrs. Devellis. Why did you have to lie to both of those kids and give Danny Vincenzo's things if your intentions weren't to alienate your son? Why not tell them the truth if you only wanted to keep an eye on your son?"
My mom sat there speechless. I think we both knew the answer to this but I still wanted to hear it from her. "I was afraid of what he might do...."
"If that was the case, why did you do the same with our family members?" I asked. "Before they even met me, they acted like I was a shitty kid. Why are you so hellbent on isolating me like this? Did I do something that I can't remember?"
"I just...."
"Don't eat your words. Not too long ago you said you wish that I hadn't been born, why bite your tongue now?"
"I was scared of being embarrassed so I needed to hide you," mom confessed. "I was ashamed."
"I had no friends, no hobbies that I liked, and no parents who loved me, because you were ashamed," I chuckled. "What kind of future can I have when my mother goes around sabotaging everything in my life because she feels ashamed. I'll never want to form a real relationship with anyone because my mother might sabotage that. I can never have anything, because my mom will do anything to take it away from me. I'm isolated now mom, I'm too paranoid to trust anyone because deep down you might've gotten to them first."
"I didn't mean....I didn't think....I'm sorry, Vinny."
"Sorry isn't going to reverse everything I did, because you were right. I grew up fitting the mold of that piece of shit you made me out to be. I became the failure you said I would be," I sighed.
"I didn't think...why didn't you tell me you felt this way?"
"Would you have listened to me if I had? All you would've done is yell at me for it and tell me not to bring it up again if we weren't in front of a doctor. I know what I did, and I've been trying to cope with guilt of doing all that. But knowing that you never had any faith in me just makes me feel exhausted with all this," I leaned back on the couch and put my feet up, ready to check out of this session.
"Vincenzo, do you feel your mother loves you?" Dr. Mansini asked.
"I know she doesn't."
"Do you want her to love you?"
"What difference does it make now? At this point I should just turn eighteen and move out quickly. At least then there will be nothing for her to be ashamed of anymore." I said. "After what I did, she was right to be ashamed of me. I'm a bad person."
I can't believe the truth I had always feared hearing from my mother was finally coming out. I was expecting her to say something along the lines of I was impossible to love....but to hear that she was only ashamed of me being alive just made me feel even worse. I didn't have to even do anything to her and I had ruined her life as well.
That makes three people I have insight on now. All three were important to me in different ways, and I single-handedly ruined them all. But here I was crying and feeling sorry for myself because I wanted someone to love me so badly.
"Vincenzo, I didn't think doing that would bring you to a point where you didn't want to live," mom tried to grab my hand but I moved it away from her. "I thought we were getting better."
"We were.....superficially getting over it. We never dug deep into anything, nothing really changed around the house either. You just stopped forcing me to do things and told me that dad cheated on you. How is that getting better?" I asked. She instantly shut her mouth. "You expected me to fulfill all your needs, rather than the other way around. You didn't treat me with the physical and emotional care and protection that a child needs from a parent."
"Built into our human brains from birth is an intense need for emotional attention, connection, approval, and understanding from our parents or caretakers. Every baby born needs to feel emotionally connected in some way. We don't choose to have this need, and we cant just choose to get rid of it. It is a powerful and real feeling, and it drives us throughout our lives," Dr. Mansini said. "I have noticed that many people with Childhood Emotional Neglect try to downplay this essential interaction by viewing it as a weakness and ignoring it, or by declaring themselves somehow free of it. 'Ive given up on my parents. They mean nothing to me now.' 'My parents are incapable of giving me anything. Im done.' 'I simply dont care anymore.' I understand why you say these things, either out loud or just inside your own head, and believe them. After all, its very painful to have your deeply personal, basic human needs for emotional connection and emotional validation neglected throughout your childhood. Its a natural coping strategy to try to minimize your frustrated needs or obliterate them altogether. But the reality is, no one, and I do mean NO ONE escapes from this need. You can push it to the back of your mind, you can deny it, and you can lie to yourself. Sometimes it may seem to be gone, but it doesn't go away ever.
"Thats why growing up without being seen, known, understood, and approved by your parents leaves its mark upon you. But with all that said, growing up negelcted in this way is not a sentence to being damaged for life. In fact, it is very possible if, instead of ignoring the feeling, you accept that your need is natural and real, you can purposely manage it. In this way, you can heal the pain of growing up unseen or misunderstood."
"You aren't responsible for my emotions, Vincenzo. I was being an idiot!" Mom started to cry. "I never meant to make you feel like life isn't worth living! I thought the only way to protect you from everyone else was to do what I did but I didn't even try to protect you! I'm so sorry! I should've actively helped you look for a solution to everything!"
"Why didn't you look for me when I ran away?" I asked her.
"I thought you were throwing a tantrum."
"For ten days?"
Mom flinched at my sharp tone. "I thought cutting off your cards would make you come back home."
"And if I had never come back, would you have looked for me?" I asked.
"Of course I would," she looked at me desperately but I couldn't believe what she was telling me honestly. It was way too late for her to fake concern for my well being when her actions all told me otherwise.
"Acknowledge your feelings Vincenzo." Dr. Mancini prodded.
"Fine, I don't believe her. Every promise she's made to me has been broken, she would've never went to look for me, nor would she have cared. As long as Giacomo wasn't effected by my disappearance, I could've died in the streets and she would be happier because then she wouldn't have to live in shame anymore," I said, since we were being honest.
"I don't think that at all! How could you think that about me?!"
"Do you feel attacked or offended, Mrs. Devellis?"
"Both! I feel very angry!" She looked like a steamed tomato at the moment.
"What else would I think when you've always been one way towards me? That it would magically make you change your attitude towards me if I were to disappear? Who in their right mind would think that after everything you've been doing? Had it been you, you would've thought the same," I said.
"If a parent is in denial about their abuse of you, then rather than clearing the air, she might feel attacked and deeply criticized. Your parent might have dissociated from their abusive treatment of you, and confronting them might actually make it harder to have a better relationship. You would need to spend some time with your parent and assess whether or not there is any openness. If they are coming from narcissism, there will only be denial. They might even feel blamed and get angry." Dr Mancini explained. "Learning to currently take care of yourself in the face of others' unloving behavior is what eventually heals the past. Have you taken any steps to do that?"
"No, I wouldn't even know where to start. How could I love myself after knowing that I hurt everyone who's ever loved me," I agonized flashing back to a few times I wished for Danny to die, now realizing that I was only projecting what I felt I deserved onto him. "I don't know that I deserve anything better. I'm tired, there's nothing for me anymore and I just want to give this all up. After what I did to Danny and to Martin and to my family.....how could I wish for any kind of love? How do I go on living....when nothing can make me happy?"
I wanted to die. The only thing I could wish for and feel good about was my own death, because at least then, I wouldn't be able to hurt anybody.
A pair of unfamiliar arms wrapped around me. I couldn't help but wonder why my mom chose this time to give me a hug for the first time in years. She didn't need to keep up an act in front of the doctor, she could just keep being offended!
"Im so sorry! It's all my fault! I shouldn't have been so ignorant!" She sobbed into my shoulder. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'll help you in anyway I can! I'll keep my word to you no matter what this time! I'll help you get better now! Please, just don't hurt yourself, Vincenzo! I was wrong! Im so sorry that I can't take it back! But I'll do anything to make it right."
I highly doubt it and I think she knew that. Her hug didn't feel as good as having Danny to hug me, in fact this hug just felt like a performance to me, while Danny's were warm and comforting. Had I really become this disconnected with her?
"Get off of me," I said calmly. My mom listened and let me go. "I already promised Danny I wouldn't do anything stupid."
"He knows about how you feel?"
"It was the only thing he probably ever wanted from me." I looked at the clock as I said this. There was still two more hours to go.
My heart just hurts so much, it's killing me.