******†****†****†******
I sat alone in the hall feeling empty and stupid, what was I thinking. I thought she will like it, oh yes she did love it, she wanted it, her body craves it, and I gave it to her to release the tension and awkwardness that worse wearing us out.
I did wanted us to pleasure each other without getting emotionally entangled. I gave her an orgasm without having sex with her and it rather turn out, she wanted me to stick it in, spill my seed into her, kissed her on the forehead and say the four letter word, and we become happy ever after. The fairy tale nonsense.
"But some women are unpredictable right, spooky?". "I think we should never have tried it with her in the first place kuga, but let's not worry, she will probably come around".
Before she had left, she was sobbing and cursing. I had felt guilty for every word uttered against me…
she a lovely lady. The first woman to kiss my toothless mouth on the mainstream.
She gave me a new found confidence and high hopes to be nothing but myself, for with the woman, I had been nothing but myself.
it's a Saturday, and I should be thinking about letting spooky loose, but the day is young yet.
And my adventure with Diana still lingers in the air, if I close my eyes, all I sees is her tearful face and heart felt emotions.
Maybe I should give her a call; but I know she will not pick my calls, at least not now.
So I decided to send her a message;
"hi Diana, hope you're feeling better. Perhaps, I did you wrong, maybe I'm heartless, maybe I am scared. Scared of my own emotions, scared to get involve and entangled. I have live alone for so long I found it hard to share my solitude.
I dwell in my own world; perhaps a world of intense pain and misery, self-loathing and indifferent to the way other people may feel. A typical cynic out for myself maybe, I don't know, perhaps I don't give a damn.
But I have a weakness I know so well, something that still wrenches my heart and remind me I am still human. And that is; the tears of woman, any woman. Watching you cry in pain, a pain I did cause you, truly left me destabilized…
I am sorry, Diana.
I sigh in relief after sending the message to Diana on WhatsApp messenger and saw her come online. At least she has seen it.
I know she will read it, they always do, women love their messages, good or bad.
****†***†******†***†****
An incoming call from ruby brought me back to reality. But I choose not to pick, I will return her call later, not now….
I walked out into the garden with a prayer mat to say the say the noontide prayer, having performed Jenaba (full body ablution).
I took in a deep breath and close my eyes meditatively…. Drawing in the natural fragrances in the cool garden.
My phone was buzzing again, it was ruby, this is her fourth call, and she left a message…
"hello ruby…". Silence. "helloo Ruby, are you there?". another silence.
I checked the screen to be sure we are still connected… we are connected.
what is the nutty girl up to. "helloo ruby". I think I have had enough, I was about to drop the line,, then coughs and blew her nose into a tissue or something…
"helloo Kuga, sorry I kept you waiting". "are you okay ruby?".
"I am fine kuga, I guess I will live".
"what happen to you ruby, you sound out of place". "yeah, I think I caught the flu".
"have you taken any anti-biotic lately?".
"no, but think that's what the doc prescribed". "good, there you go, get better Ruby. then maybe, we can go for that ride".
"how about now Kuga, I need to see you". "wrong timing Ruby."
"are you at home?". "yeah, Ruby". "do you mind if I come over?". "no ruby, now is not a good time, I will be going out very soon".
"where are you going Kuga?". "oh Ruby, don't make me lie to you, I can't tell you where I am going".
"living a double life right, Kuga". "maybe a triple Ruby".
"why do I feel you're deliberately keeping a distance between us Kuga, you are scared of me like I earlier deduced, right?".
"be careful the way you keep referring to 'us' Ruby. And maybe you're right, I am scared".
"scared of what Kuga? look, come to my place, my mom is curious about you…"
My chest begun to pound now, Kate, yes her name is Kate my tormentor, Ruby's mother. I have always had vivid scenes about how I am going to humiliate her in front of every one and cause her misery.
I have graphic scenes of her kneeling down in front of me pleading for mercy, crying till her pretty face turns puffy with emotions I have inflicted.
Now that the opportunity presents itself, I felt I don't have any stomach for it…
Now Ruby is my problem, for in truth I don't even want to give her a place in my mind or heart.
I don't like what she has to offer. I am a wild dove.
Innocent, lovely, adorable like a rose out in the wild, she is like a dream, a fantasy.
Damn, a woman like Ruby can easily destroy a man like me because I don't believe in fantasies.
She deserves better, not a ghetto scum like me… I can't settle down for the wild snares of a woman. feelings ain't my thing.
"Kuga, are you there…". "you seem so quiet, what are you thinking about?"
"you... umm I am thinking about coming to meet with your mom".
"okay, come get me Kuga, no strings attached, we just go out, and breathe some fresh air".
"breathe fresh air? I have more than enough in my lonely garden." "oh Kuga, you have a garden?"
"and Ruby? You know I don't speak in public right? If you go out with me, you soon get bored, speaking from a distance is manageable".
"are you making all this excuses because of her?". "because of who Ruby?"
"Diana Kuga, she is the one you are testing the terrain with right?". "you are crossing the line Ruby, that is dangerous".
"now, I understand why you had that erection. how do they call it…umm… 'plugging'. Or is it 'screwing'. You are screwing her, aren't you?".
"Ruby, I think we should call it a day....".
"why Kuga?". "because it's my personal life, and how I live my life is none of you damn business lady."
"oh, I see… tell me one thing though; how long have you two been dating?".
The lady was really getting on my nerves now "damn you Ruby, stop prying into my life. Snap out of it, what it is wrong with you!!".
"you know, you have both been working there long before I came, so my guess is you two had it going for a long time.
Now you saw me and made contact with me. turn my world upside down in days… tell me nasty things normal guys don't tell ladies they met just a day before, and surprising enough I liked it, all of it. lord help me I craved it, Kuga.
although I have a nice guy, who want to put a ring on me…"
"Ruby what…?". "no Kuga, you shut up! and listen! I had had boyfriends in the past and I do go out with them.
But, I have never craved a man, I have never needed one on my bed…."
"Ruby please don't…".
"I said shut up Kuga! let me finish… yester night all I could think about was you and Diana coiling up in bed copulating. Strangely enough I could hear the moans and thrusts in my wild imagination, and I hate it, I despise every bit of it, yet I wish I was the other woman on the bed with you…
I can't believe I spent half the night crying, for what? I wonder… I can't believe I am going through this.....
Yah, I was happy and content in my little world before you came along. And I don't even know who the hell you are! You know what just stay the hell away from me!…
yah it cut like a knife, but the earlier I bleed out this virus infection, the better I can move on and turn a new chapter…"
The line went dead afterwards and I sat with spine erect gazing into nothingness.
I couldn't hear any sound or smell of any freshness in the garden. all my five senses turned sour.
And I lose track of time. What have I gotten myself into?!!!
No, Ruby. it is you who casted a pebble in my still waters.