May 4, 2023
If my timing is right, this baby will be born in late July-early August; maybe we'll share a birthday.
2:15 pm
The location is a rundown skating rink that's not so far from home.I only stay in here because of a new friend I made named Jesse.He's a cool guy, he's an average height and build and acts like the world betrayed him.Not your typical paranoid crazy you find on the streets but an interesting character.I've known him for a week now and all he can do is tell me his war stories of what he's been through growing up; I hate it.
I mean I'm listening to him but when I give my input it turns into a who's had it worse competition; it's upsetting and kills the mood.We both sit against a wall as he starts to smoke a snort some Coke he had in his coat pocket.
"Hmmmm- you want some ?" He asked as I respectfully denied.
I took a pill before coming here as I'm here for a nicer score; his heroin stash.
"So like I was saying… " he said as he got out a small kit full of empty clean needles, two spoons that are a bit burned, two lighters and a little baggy full of heroin.
He was preparing it all for me as he continued his story,
"My father catches me drinking a beer at night when I'm walking home.I didn't noticed him as he usually goes for a walk earlier in the day; never that late.We anyways, he smacked my two friends and then dragged me home as he kept battering at my ears with crowd language.We got home and he walked me to the kitchen as he got a pot and filled it with sink water and placed it on the stove and began to boil it …"
The story was getting real interesting as he passed me a needle as I had rubber wrapped around my arm to find a good area; I took a stab it.Peace was coming as his tragic story came to an end,
"He got a switchblade out and said, you choose; put your hand in that pot or I cut your wrist four times.I was scared and I couldn't decide and he said, okay…..you win both.I was scared and I ran but he got me good…. That son of a bitch got me real good that day …"
He said as he started to to prick a needle in him and breathes in calmly.
We both laid against each other as our great day was going to get better.I don't know if it was just me but I think he could feel it.Music played from the dj booth nearby; it played Light My Fire by The Doors and I was alive again.I got up and began to feel the music inside me; I can't believe it was so freeing being this confident.
We sang along together as we couldn't believe such a good time I swear to you I sad Jim Morrison sing for us where the dj booth was and I felt alive.People slowly started to spawn in, one by one then they multiply and multiply as the place was packed and it was riveting.The whole place became a concert as me and Jesse were excitingly surprised how amazing this was.
The a few minutes by until the enjoyment went as I got a call; it was Aileen.
"I'll be back " I said as I walked through the made up crowd.Jesse kept dancing as I got to the claw machines in the place as I talked as if I couldn't hear her.
"Hello ?" I yelled as she said
"Why the hell are you yelling?- where are you ?"
She asked as I said
"Uhhh- I'm on the way home I went to the grocery store …."
She was confused as she said
"Well get home soon, I'm worried…. I love you …."
She hanged up quickly as I said "okay love you !-"
I put my phone away as I took a step slowly up back through the crowd as I got back to Jesse.He was living in the imagined moment and I couldn't help but love the song.The minutes passed by as the song became The End as it got to the sped up part, as he yelled fuck over and over I couldn't help enjoy even more.On top of the Oxycodone, I couldn't believe how great the nature of this is.
3:45 pm
I was sleeping on the floor as I see it's only me and Jesse again.I woke up as I see everyone's gone, where'd they go ?
"Jesse I gotta go man …." I stretched as he awoke too and replied
"I think I shit myself man …."
I laughed as I stretched my legs out and began walking out of the place as I lastly said
"That's why you're my favorite dealer man, see ya next time…."
4:12 pm
I look at my phone to see the time as I see I have 12 missed calls and half a dozen messages from Aileen as I know I'm in trouble now; never lie to a pregnant woman.I got upstairs as when I got the our door I see it's locked; I knocked.
"Open the door Aileen…I'm sorry …."
I said loudly as she replied
"Go away you worthless piece of shit !"
I was angry as I punched the side of the door, my knuckles were red from the plastered wall.
"Open the fucking-" I stopped my angered tone as I remembered I shouldn't argue.
"Open the door please, I'm sorry- I'm an asshole Aileen I know….I know I am just please one more chance…open the door please …. Baby I love you …."
I said in a whispering and cutesy voice as I can hear her approaching the front door as she has her hand on the lock.
"Look I know you know what I've been doing… I swear right now….you open that door and I'll stop right now….we'll flush it all away …."
She unlocked is as she welcomed me with open arms as she cried to me.I closed the door on the way in as I asked
"Oh why are you crying- why ?"
She sobbed as she replied
"It's just…it's just ….I know you're lying …" she let go as she stormed into the bedroom as I stood there in a sudden realization.
I walked slowly towards the bathroom as what she said really killed me mentally.I looked in the mirror as the lights flickered.The white beam went red as the bathroom felt dead.It was depressing as I turned on the sink and cleaned my face with cold water.I did a couple splashes as I looked back in the mirror and felt angry; I started to punch the wall behind me.
"Ahh…ahh…ahh !" I yelled with each punch as my hand was rough now.It started to bleed as I breathed through pain to numb it down.I began to cleaned my hands quick as I vigorously used the soap.I was doing it for about two minutes straight I hadn't notice how hot I made the water: I reacted too slow to realize how hot it hurt; reminded me of what Jesse said earlier.
I got out of the bathroom as I went for the bedroom to see Aileen laying in bed.I walked up to the bed as I laid next to her but she rejected me.She turned and slapped me as I she said " leave me alone …"
I got up off the bed and looked at her as I know her hatred is in the right but I hate being so tormented.I left the room as I laid on the living room couch as I began to sleep good; it was peaceful.
May 5, 2023
10:45 am
"Wake up ….Sid wake up …." Whispered Aileen as I woke in a parched manor.
"Hmmm what happened ?" I asked as I arose, she got out an empty water bottle plastic bag as I knew what that meant; were out of bottled waters and I had to bring it the cases from the car outside.
"How many ?" I asked as she handed over the keys and replied "two cases …"
I got the keys and headed as I left the front door open and got to the elevator.I was blinded for a moment until I see that old man approaching.I stopped the elevator as he entered,
"That's Kid- Uhh first floor too …." He said as I we waited, the doors closed as we went down.No words spoken until the last ding was heard,
"So how's Aileen been ?" He asked as I replied
"Good- real good, uhh how you been ?"
We walked towards the front of the building where we last met as he said
"Well I'm miserable but that's just life ain't it ?"
We both laughed as I continued walking as he stopped in front of the building.
"Where you going ?" He asked as I replied
"Uhh, gotta bring in some cases of water …." He walked towards me as I opened the trunk.
"Shit- I'll help you boy …." He replied as I laughed, he laughed a bit too as he added on,
"The hell you laughing for, I still got it; I used to be a boxer you know ?" I laughed more as we both held a 24 pack; I locked the trunk and car as we began walking inside.
"And you're still laughing ?- I'm serious kid…I boxed many greats….Ali….Liston- hell even Jack Dempsey- that's how old I am ….." he said as we got back to the elevator as I called for it.We waited as I said
"I believe you man, I could see it- did you win those fights ?" I asked as the elevator doors opened, we entered as I got back to our floor.
"Nope- but hey I ain't say I was good boxer- just said I boxed …hehe" we laughed even more as the doors opened again quickly as we were on our floor.We walked as we got to my door, he got tired and left it on the floor of welcome mat.
"Ohhh- this is as far as I can make it- ill see ya kid, stay blessed …." He started walking away as I waved him goodbye.
"Alright man, I'll see ya around …."
I said as I entered with the first case as I left it near the front door, I quickly put in the other as Aileen walked.
"Wow- that was fast, you carried both ?" She asked as I replied
"No, a neighbor helped…" she was surprised as she went back inside towards the bedroom.I closed the door and locked it as I went back to the living room couch and watched tv; I already feel sleepy again.
3:32 pm
I awoke to see Janis and Ross are over, fucking weirdo.The three are in the kitchen as they sit and ate pizza; half pepperoni and half broccoli,
"Oh- he's awake !" Says Ross happily as I slowly got up and approached the table.
"What are they doing here ?" I asked Aileen as she stayed shy, Janis answered for her.
"We…..are having a nice little lunch and chatting as friends Sid, you know friends ? Something you don't have …." The two laughed at me as Ross felt bad and said "aye don't be so mean-" Janis interrupted him as I walked away from the situation, I headed back downstairs.
"No no- I'm not being mean, I'm being truthful- he's got no friends no job nothing….I mean how is he gonna support Aileen ?-" I slammed the door on the way out as those last few words stuck with me.
I am a wreck, I'm a fucking mess; I'm a worthless junkie.
I got to the elevator as I see that old man approaching again as I entered and was pressing floor 1; I stopped it again as he got in.
"Ohh, thanks again kid…." He said as I said jokingly
"I keep feeling Deja Vu now hehe…"
We got to the front of the building as I noticed he had a few beers with him.
"You want one ?" He asked as I denied it at first as he kept trying to persuade me.
"Alright alright- fine, got a bottle opener ?"
I asked as he scoffed and opened it with his teeth, Christ the little crunch you hear when he opens it is insane.
"Holy shit, how the fuck- that's fucking cool as hell man ….." I said as I got the beer and took a sip, we were calm.
We drank in silence as we see people walk by, I saw a group of boys playing cops and robber as there was a fat boy acting like a sheriff as he was abusing the other three kids he played with.
"Stop resisting !" Yelled the fat boy as he kicked one of the boys as the boy replied
"Ahh, cut it out man- I don't wanna play anymore !"
I laughed as I looked back at the old man as I sighed and asked
"Hey man….this might sound weird but…..are we….friends ?" In a heartbeat, he simply replied
"No "
I was shocked as I scoffed as he defended his words,
"No look- look I'm not trying to be an asshole or anything okay it's just- I say that because I don't need any friends and plan on not having any …."
I laughed a bit in offense as he added on
"I don't see you as a friend but a person of interest, I know you and you know me ….we know each other but I won't push it to seeing you as a friend….I like you though, you're a cool and you're gonna be a great father I just know it …."
I thanked him for that as we went back to silence as all you hear is cars passing by and those kids still playing together, guess he kept playing.
"You got a cigarette ?" I asked as he surprisingly got out one from his coat pocket.
"Here- need a light ?" He asked as I took a cigarette and nodded, he lit it as I inhaled in resilience.
I closed my eyes as I exhaled and couldn't believe how far I've come in life.
The old man started on himself as we looked like degenerates but felt so calm.You never realize your struggle until it's too late to capture it.
"You think I'll be a good father ?" I asked as he replied
"Yea, hell yea yes you will, you're gonna be great father !" I kept denying it as I said
"No no- hell no, how the hell can I be great father when I couldn't even stop my addiction…."
The old man scoffed as he replied
"Man don't be believing all that- addiction isn't a thing- nobody gets addicted….what is it ?"
He asked as I sighed again and got out a little ziplock bag full of my pills.He looked as he laughed as he said
"Man that ain't worth the addiction, if you're gonna get addicted- be addicted to food…..exercise, pussy….drug addictions is the shittiest and most pathetic man …. That's an attention addiction- you hear me ?- you can quit that whenever you want but you're mind gives you that thrill of being seen and being acknowledged when you do it …. "
I took all this into account as I kept smoking in silence and with a small tear falling front cheek.The old man can't be lying to me about this- hell he's been around.
"Look forget all this talk- let's just enjoy this silence and die slowly …." He said as I threw out the cigarette and said
"No, I won't die slowly- I'll die trying man …."
I walked vigorously upstairs as I took the stairs this time, fuck the elevator.
I walked through the hallways pumped as I got to our door and I stormed in ready to argue.
"Hey Janis let me tell you something you bitch !"
They all gasped and reacted shockingly as Ross got up to stop me as I approached.I shoved him out of the way as Janis replied
"How dare you- what the fuck is wrong with you ?"
I got face to face as she stayed seated and I hunched over as I said
"I may not have no job and no money or anything that she'll need but I'll fucking be here for that baby- I'll be here I won't leave that little bastard- I won't be those cowards that walk away when it gets rough….I'll be here for that boy when he's born- when he says his first word- when he takes his first steps, when he ties his shoes for the first time, when he grows up and rebels and his first heartbreak and first time driving- I'll be there til the last fucking minute and who are you to tell me how shitty I am ? You went for your friends sloppy seconds with this creepy fuck …"
They gasped more as Aileen yelled
"Sid stop !" I pointed at her and said
"No !- and let me tell you something else….you talk to me like this because you're miserable- you let out what people speak about you and throw it at others….you're a shitty fucking friend."
I stormed off until I turned and lastly said
"And those vegetables on that pizza won't make no difference you fat bitch !"
I slammed the door again as I went back downstairs, ran down the stairs to see the old man was not there anymore.I started walking as I headed to the nearby park, I was looking to have a good time now.
Back to the same park where it all started, Wendell Park.I looked to see a little boy having his birthday party as a big crowd was around.I stayed a good distance as they started to hit the piñata; it looked lovely as I knew my fortune would dominate me when the time comes for my son.I looked around again to see a happy couple in the distance as well; the envy I feel is surreal.I put on my headphones as I put on one of my favorite songs that remind me of Aileen when I'm not with her; I played Little Wings By Jimi Hendrix.
These pills are really hitting me now as I desperately imagine a memory I hadn't recalled in so long with Aileen.It was in January,
January 22, 2023
6:18 pm
Santa Monica Beach
We were at the parking lot of the pier as I remember exactly what she wore.She wore a striped polo sweater and a M-65 field jacket with denim pants and black house loafers with white socks on.She overdressed as I went in a simple tank top and camouflaged shorts with white socks and sandals.
"You ain't forget nothing ?" She asked we got out of the car.
"No I got everything, let's get this shit …." I replied as we walked together.We went up the stairs as we saw a flock of seagulls eating whatever is left in the sand.We traveled around the place as we got into the pier itself, we went through it all as we waited in line for the Ferris wheel.
"Gosh can you imagine if you got stuck up there …" she said as I jokingly replied
"Well I'd resort to cannibalism and eat you first …." She laughed as she asked
"Well who else are you going to eat dumbass, the baby ?"
I stayed silent as I gave a questionable look as she smacked my arm and said laughingly
"Ahhh you sick fuck ….hehe ….."
we got in as it started to spin slowly or maybe I was reacting to slow but we got a beautiful view of the ocean below on the other side as fireworks went off.I don't know what for, celebrating something I guess.She had her head on my shoulder as we looked among the stars and I couldn't help but say
"You think….I hope not but you think you think this baby will come out normal ?"
She scoffed and asked
"What do you mean like come out stupid ?" I tried to explain myself as she got off my shoulder and fixed her posture.
"No no- I mean yes but- what I mean is….I just hope he doesn't get none of those weird diseases of disabilities- I mean no offense to people who do- god makes you in your unique way but- I just he hope doesn't no mutated thumb or one ear bigger than the other….or Christ imagine a Thalidomide baby…."
She was confused as she asked
"The hell type of baby is that ?"
I quickly changed the subject as I said
"Never mind but I know the baby will come out fine it's just I worry nothing weird happens to it…."
She got defensive as she said
"What would be wrong with that, you'll feel ashamed or something if it came out deformed ?" I sighed as I said
"That's not what I meant …." She interrupted as said
"That's exactly what you fucking meant …."
I got more defensive as I said
"Okay you're starting to sound crazy now- just putting words in my mouth baby, look I don't care if the baby comes out a different skin color- imma love it regardless because that's my child-"
It was silent again as I tried to change the tone back as I said
"Okay let's forget all this rosemary's baby talk- let's just enjoy this, we're suppose to have a good time okay ?"
I got closer to her as I had my arm around her as our eyes locked again.Her damn smile made me smile harder as we kissed,
"Okay- okay, I love you …." She said as I replied
"I love you too …."
We looked again at the stars as the fireworks came on again, the pop noise got me back to reality.I got back to present day as the loud of people laughing got looking at the birthday party again.A little boy just fell, I couldn't stop from laughing my ass off.I felt bad as I covered my mouth with hands but I couldn't contain my laughter.I walked away from where I was as I got back home as I couldn't get over that.
6:57 pm
I got back to the apartment as it was open, I entered as I decided the stairs again.I got up to our floor as I walked up to our door to see it was locked; I knocked as I said,
"Aileen it's me- open the door please…." I said in a mannered tone as she yelled
"Go away Sid- you embarrassed me in front of our friends …."
I corrected her quickly as I said
"Those are your friends- uhhh that doesn't matter- Aileen baby, please just let me in….."
she yelled
"No !" Again as I punched the wall against the door in anger,
"Damn it Aileen- let me in I want to step up as a man okay I know but I feel it immature I let all this drama out for these neighbors of ours …."
I said as I waved my hands around as some neighbors were peeking through their doors as they know this routine.
It's the same routine that annoys every day and night, I always end up inside.I know this is peak entertainment for them, I have such a hatred for this.
"No- fuck you, go to sisters or something for the night…."she said as she was against the door as her hand was on the Handle.I was disappointed and annoyed as I said
"Is that really what you want, please let me know right now ?"
It was silent as all you hear is the neighbors murmuring and the elevator door opening; it's my neighbor Ted, fuck this guy.
"Yes, leave please…." She said as I had my head and walked away slowly as I scoffed in utter shock.
"What's up Sid, Aileen doing alright ?" Asked Ted nicely as we walked by each other.I got to the door that leads to stairs down as I replied
"Ahhh, fuck you Ted …."
He stood there for a moment as he was appalled, I got out as I called sister when I made it to the front of building as I look up at our window.I see Aileen looking down on me from the window as I gave her a stare but ignored it as my sister answered,
"Hey it's me, sorry to ask but can I sleep over ?" I asked as I started walking towards the direction that leads to her home.
"Sure " she replied as I was excited by the news,
"Great, I'll be there soon; thanks "
I hanged up as I was on my way, what a shitty night.Aileen looked at me leaving until I was out of her perspective, she was very saddened to have to let me leave but she made her choice.