July 15, 2023 is a special day as any day now could be her day; our boys coming into this world.I've been nearly a month sober, just three more days.I sad more scrapped as I shaved more often and had a better skin care routine and took better care of my body physically.
Every morning I'd go for a quick jog for half an hour around the neighborhood's.It was 6:30 am and I was ready for the day; I was in striped socks and Nike Cortez with basketball pants with a white tank top and my stopwatch.I started it as I ran my ass off today in confidence knowing I'll officially be a father.
I got up to the same route of running by the convenient store then go by the old church a few blocks and then make it to the bridge that circles back home.I finish as I run by this public library as I make a good loop then make it back to where Thomas and them would hang out; I finish as I got home at 7:03 pm; not bad, I'm not even tired yet.
I get back upstairs as I take the elevator this time, I keep my feet moving as I do ankle lifts and stretch little as the elevator doors open.I walk to our door as I enter to see Aileen's awake and is attempting to make breakfast.It's adorable to see but I just can't help but be mad, she's trying,She's trying to make bacon, eggs and waffles as she's burnt the bacon and waffles but made the eggs too raw still,
"Hey I made breakfast man …." She said as she had a new appearance to her.
She had on a bathrobe but her face was different, she had dyed her hair a pink lemon color and had a Bob hairstyle.She had on my sandals as I payed it no mind,
"Can't wait to eat …" I said as I was lying, the cooking was atrocious but if it's hers then it's a five-star meal.I sat down as the home was more clean and organized for us both.What's even more great is I have a job now, on weekends I work at a butcher shop in a grocery store and weekdays I'm working at a gas station ; not much but it's a start.
I have work at 1:00 pm so I'm fine for now and Aileen will be home all day ready.I was seated as she smilingly got me a glass of pink lemonade from a pitcher she made; I felt at home now.I started to get a call from my sister as I answered,
"Good morning " I said as she replied
"Good morning bro, aye are you guys still down for this Wednesday for bowling ?"
I took a bite of the bacon as the awful brunt feeling felt disgusting but I smiled through this pain as I knew she knows I hate big plays along with me being supportive.
"Yea of course- I got the day off so we're good but same time at 10:00 am meet at your place ?" I asked her as Aileen asked
"Who is it ?" I whispered quickly
"My sister " as my sister said "yea 10:00 am, meet us here and we'll head over there with the girls….so uh how's Aileen feeling ?" I gave over the phone to Aileen as I told her
"She asked how are you feeling ?"
She took the phone as they now had their phone conversation, I ate in small breaths as I was still catching it from running but no sweat yet; I have to shower soon.
I looked out the kitchen window to see two cats playing together, or I think they're fighting; regardless the two are in action.I looked back at my food as I took a bite of bacon and ate some of the waffle without any syrup; this is torture but her making it is nirvana.I was already full as I left my phone with Aileen as I headed for the shower as my towel was already on the towel rack.I closed the door as Aileen continued talking with my sister over the phone as she sat in my seat in the kitchen.
"Yep, it'll sound fun, I'll bring sunscreen or you have some ?" She asked my sister.
I turned on the water as it was drenching cold, just what I needed.I got straight to it as I put on my head and shoulders shampoo and a high quality moisture for my face.I then excel it with Dove body wash and experiment with the fresh bar of soap that has a strawberry scent.After about 7 minutes I get out and wrap the towel around me as my secondary towel is out to clean my upper body and face.I look in the mirror as I put on a pinch of baby oil for the face and around the shoulders.I look for my lotion as I put it around my arms and neck.I finish with looking in the mirror and fixing my hair up a bit, Aileen says I look like Judd Nelson in the 1980s but I don't see it.
I am dry now as the coldness aura stings as I feel refreshed and well.I get out of the shower as Aileen still talks with my sister as I hear gossip of planning to do a big hangout with Janis and Ross; just great I thought.I went into the bedroom to go in my drawer and get out a pair of white socks and fruit of loom boxers; I put in on quickly as I then get my khaki pants on and my black belt as I put on a plain white tee.I go through my closet as I see I have a variety of jackets to wear today; I went with a Carhartt brown jacket.
I went back into the living room as I see Aileen notice me as she says her goodbyes to my sister and hangs up; she handed over my phone as I smilingly kissed her goodbye.
"I'll be back soon …." I said as I exited the home as she replied
"I know you will, see ya later …"
I got out of the apartment building quickly as I now can happily say I have my drivers license and will take Aileen's car for now as I work to get another for us.
I was on my way to an N.A. Meeting as I've been meeting such great people there and heard such amazing stories.I drove to the church that was half an hour away from home as I only stuck to this one due to the fact that Jesse, oh my old friend Jesse went.
I'm sad to say he died a June 28th, 2023 it's awful to say but he died doing the things he loved but was not loving him.In that same home I was in a while ago, he was in the living room couch as Edith thought he was sleeping but he slept longer than normal as Edith tried to wake him up but no response; he overdosed.Well when news hears of that at this church and I found out, I vowed to go to this one and never leave it for Jesse shared a piece of himself in there.
It's sad but no matter what any addict tells you when their clean; they'll always relapse.No matter the strength or the commitment; they always do.It could be the next day or the next decade but time will slowly creep up on them as there hope for relaxation is played with the facade of a peaceful sight.
I haven't spoken to Edith in a while but last I heard, she went to Chicago to be with her grandmother and worker with at her uncles funeral home; bizarre how the world works.Well anyways I arrived as I got into the parking lot of the church as I parked.I was always the first one at the place as it's now 8:14 am as it opens at 8:30 am; I sit on the church steps as I see the cars driving by so early as they go an live their lives, I hope they're all happy.
"Good morning Sid …." Said Donte, Donte's been with me for a while; Jesse introduced us to each other.Donte helped me overcome that shyness and embarrassment of talking and telling your stories and how you feel about it and all that.He's about 27 years old and looks like Ricky Nelson with Black eyes and Blonde hair and a face tattoo of a broken heart next to his left eye.
"Go ahead man, I didn't even see your car " I said as he sat aside me.
"Well I took the bus today …." He replied as the wind was still rough around this part of town; a bit more chilly.
"Whys that- your car busted ?" I asked as he scoffed and replied
"Nah man, my woman needed to go to work …." I laughed as I asked
"Oh she still working at that hair salon place ?"
He nodded as he got out a pack of gum and got himself one and offered me one; I took two as he remarked
"Oh if you insist, you're John Gum over here, inventor of gum, hehe …" we laughed as I took my piece and saved the other in the little pocket inside my jacket.
"Man fuck you….but that's good she's working and shit…."
It was silent as we chewed our gum as he asked
"How's your girl, Aileen- she's sue any day now huh ?" I smiled at the thought as I replied
"Yea- yep…..I'm happy man- I'm fucking excited, I'm gonna be a fucking dad, hehe …."
We both laughed as he gave me a side hug and said
"I'm so proud of you man, that boy's gonna be a hell of man one day….I could picture it now…..six time nba champion Johnny B. Ford ….hehe …." I imagined it with him as he both laughed now as he waved his hand around.He let go of the hug lock as we sat there in silence again as more people showed up as the one opens the doors arrives too.
"Oh little Johnny B. Goode- hehe…" we both laughed as we got up and playfully punched his shoulder as the man opened the doors and we entered.
10:56 am
The meeting went on as usual as we have about two dozen people here today; more than last week.Donte was giving a motivational speech as he brought me into it,
"And we can never give up, as some of you know- our friend said over here is going to be a father soon and has been clean nearly a month- so never give up, you can't have change without knowing there's something to be changing….these steps you take aren't for your future but the future of your families, friends etc …."
He kept going as I was deeply paying attention as they applauded me when they heard my big news again.I did wave then but now I gave attention back to Donte as suddenly my phone rang; it's Ross.I didn't pay it no mind as I texted him
"Busy, I'll call when I can …."
He started texting quickly,
"Quickly to Falklore Hospital asap"
"Aileen "
"Giving birth, hurry !!!!"
These three text really had me rethinking myself as I don't know if this is real; I was stunned as my ear rang for a second as I snap out of it.I got up as I distracted room as Donte asked "you okay ?" As I replied
"She's giving birth right now " we went back and forth for a moment as he asked "right now ?" As I looked around and said
"Right fucking now - I gotta go..haha- I have to go !" I yelled happily as I waved goodbye as they all cheered me on on my way out.
I got to the car as I drove quickly out as I nearly crashed but got out of the parking lot in a flaming rush.I see on the gps as the hospital is 15 minutes away as I drove as crazy as possible but as safe as possible.I made 15 minutes feel like 5 minutes as I got there 11:13 pm; I parked quickly as I ran from the parking lot as I called Ross
"Where are you- where are you guys ?" I asked in a hurry as he replied
"In front of urgent care, where are you- she's in there right now !" I ran as I see him as I yelled
"I see you !" He sees me as I run up to him as we are stopped until Ross says
"No this is the father- he's good !" The security guard got out the way as he yelled
"Oh shit, go go go , take him !"
Me and Ross walked in a fast pace as we tried to respectful as we got to her room.
I quickly got put on the appropriate clothing and gloves with mask and everything as I see she's struggling but pushing through.
"How's mama looking ?" yelled the doctor nicely as Aileen Yelled
"Get this motherfucker out of me ahhh !" She was in pain as I supported with caution as I held her hand.
"Just keep pushing, you got it baby….keep pushing …."
A nurse then said
"She's drowning ….she's crowning !"
Aileen kept pushing strong as she let out such a cry as the whole baby is out now.They had a blanket wrapped around it quickly as it looked perfectly fine as they counted it's toes and fingers to be 10 and 10.Aileen had let out a big sigh of comfort and relief as she took deep breathes.
"You want to hold him ?" Asked the nurse as I was handed him gently.I looked at him as they asked
"What are you naming him ?"
I smiled as I cleared my throat and replied
"Uhh, John Buddy Ford …."
She went out to get the birth certified made and notarized quickly as I held him in peace as Ross and Janis walked as Ross had a Polaroid camera.Aileen then asked me
"Let me see him, let me see him Sid " I handed him body softly as she held him with such firm and heavenly grip.I was aside her as Ross said
"Let me get a picture for y'all " we both looked at the camera as we had a smile of pure succulent success.
The flash goes as I got blinded for a moment and say
"Alright no more pictures man- fuck thats bright " I rub my eyes as Aileen looks at the baby.Janis then sees the mood will be a me and Aileen talk as she says
"Hey let's go get them something to eat come on …" she said as Ross followed her out in confusion.
"But we just ate ?" She smacked him as he felt compelled a reason for the smack as the door closed.They crew around was cleaning up and fixating the room as me and Aileen had a talk.
"God look at him, we really made an ugly baby…hehe " we giggled as she added on
"Well he's got your face …." It was more funny as I was trying to get serious as I had ready to explain our future for this kid until suddenly I see she's starting to bleed from her underneath her blanket.
"So baby I have to tell you- uhh nurse, nurse is it normal she's bleeding from there !?" I said worried as the nurses eyes popped as she hurried out and called the doctor.It was just us two in the room as we panicked
"Sid's what's going on ?" She asked as I was too confused to speak.The doctor and two nurses rushed in as the doctor demanded
"We'll have to do an internal exam, let's go-let's go- let's go !" He yelled as they rolled her away on the bed with baby still in hand as she was still confused.
"Doc, where's she going tell me something- is she alright !" The two nurses got her out of there as the doctor looked back and sighed as he simply replied
"Look just breath for me Sir, we'll bring her back to you …." He slammed the door on the way out as I was in the hospital room still in shock, I was wondering if this was all just a sick joke Aileen setup for me for all that I've done to her.
I stood there as I looked outside the room window as I didn't yet realize this would be the last time I ever saw Aileen.About five hours later, she pronounced dead; she gave birth to my son and died so suddenly, so young; my only love gone.
They pronounced her dead at 4:38 pm on July 15, 2023…..I lost, I lost one of the only things that let me living; my true best friend.I sat in the waiting room as from the aftermath of finding out as I cried out "oh why, why did it have to be her….why !" I cried in Janis's arm as Ross gave a group hug a chance as I welcomed it with comfort.
"Why, ahhh…." I got to my knees as the two tried to help me back up.I couldn't stop crying as my grief would rapture me for days and weeks to come but I just knew one thing; she'd want me to stay strong for that boy.It feels sad knowing I'll never see that face again I still remember seeing her for the first time.
She had that damn long black hair and that damn silk white skin.I remember noticing the different piercings, the ones on her right eyebrow, nose and left cheek.I remember her eyebrows were a high arch stance and her nose was a bulbous shape and she had those amazing thin lips.I remember she had me hypnotized with her hazel brown eyes.Christ I even remember our first interaction was us arguing already, what type of mystical-prophecy is that huh ? Hehe.
I couldn't forget those dates we had and I certainly won't forget the awful things I've done to that woman- I know she didn't deserve it.I can't forget her awful cooking that I ate in the name of love.I wonder if our paths will cross in the afterlife and if our paths were ever meant to cross at all ? Can such cruelty be given so often ?
I got back to my feet as I looked at Ross and Janis as I excused in tears as I said "I'll be back, please just be here I gotta get something from the car…."
They allowed it as I go to it of the place as I kept my head down and exited through the same way I got in as the security was confused.
I went straight for the car as I unlocked it and sat in the drivers seat as I turned it on but left it on park.The radio played slowly and in a good tone as Purple Rain by Prince began to play as the sheer luck I had; it started to drizzle.I slowly looked forward as I hid my emotion until I couldn't no longer.I balled my eyes out as I cried on the steering wheel as I began to punch it in anger as it honked a couple times.It drew the attention of some people walking by as they ignored it but gave weird looks.
I cried and cried as I now realized the funeral that's to be and the more suffering I shall get.I frowned as I had an ugly face when I cry, each tear is another memory of her being shown.The times we stayed up and watched movies all night until we fell asleep aside each other.The nights we'd talk about our life experiences in general and if comfortable, our traumas; we traded war stories.
All those times we'd have deep conversations about the most bizarre topics and how in the bed she'd always be talking as I just listened; I listened and cared for each thought she had sprung.God I remember this one time we were at a diner and she put two French fries in the milkshake and she had and said "this is their quicksand …." As she paired them deeper into the milkshake and then got them out and ate them I just couldn't stop laughing when I saw that.
I laughed at that thought as the tears stopped but released again as I reminded myself that I can't have any moments like that anymore.I can't explain such heartbreak from losing the one you invested so much time in and had a good dedicated and balanced relationship in the end and just for it all to be gone; I just know heavens finally allowing real angels when she goes up there.