June 18, 2023
4:34 pm
" Oh my sweet Aileen for I have yet to find such pleasure when you speak and have yet to find such joy when you strut yourself.For what is love but your favorite game; Redundant.How can someone be so heartless yet so full of love, I eat your liver !"
-S.F.
This was the note I left for her yesterday as she wouldn't lend me any money.I seem like a fool just explaining myself but here I go.Around seven in the morning yesterday I asked Aileen for a simple twenty but she refused too.
"I'm not giving you no money, I know what's it's for and I don't want my money used for it !" She yelled in the living room as I yelled back
"Aileen , Aileen relax please ! The money is not going to waste-" she interrupted me as she said
"You're a liar, a big fat liar, you're gonna use it to get high….god what kind of father will you be if you can't even quit that …." I got the lamp in our bedroom as I ripped it out of the outlet and carried it towards the living room in anger as she thought I was going to throw it at her.She backed away and had her arms out to cover herself as I replied
"The hell you doing, I'm not gonna hit you with it for Christ sakes, Imma take it with me …. " I headed for the door as she realized my intentions.
"No no no- you're not selling that- it was a gift !-" she got my arm as I stood still, I turned.
"Get off me !" I grunted as I pushed her a bit to hard as she fell on her back; I instantly let go of the lamp as I went to help her up.
I had her hand with mine as I lifted her up, she slapped me in the moment; I can't lie I did deserve it.
"You're not selling that lamp " she demanded as I stayed on my knees as I replied
"I swear I won't …." She went and tried to pick the lamp up but it was too heavy; I got up and got it for her.
"I'll put it back …." I said as I went back in the bedroom as I plugged it back in.
She laid herself on the couch as I got back in living room as I looked at her in joy again as I let go of that grudge of my quick high and got the next best thing; love.
I woke up hours later as I looked over to see she was missing.I see she left me a sticky note on my forehead; I got it off and read it.
"Went to the market to get groceries, won't take long.Love you "
-A.P
I got up as I stretched and yawned in such a comforting feeling.I went over to the kitchen as I looked through the pile of mail on the table.I see a bunch of junk until I find a credit card notice.I quickly open it to see that Aileen has been in severe debt over time and has a month to pay back 15,000$ or they'll lease the car.I haven't noticed until now but all the things we've eating off and enjoying have been mainly on food servicing apps.
I can't remember the last time we had a decent homemade meal, come to think about it; why the hell is she buying groceries ? I placed the mail back as I looked around this little sketch supplies of hers as I got a red colored pencil.That's when I began to write the love letter I left in the beginning of this chapter; right on the notice envelope.I smiled as I got began my perfect presentation that's yet to commence when she enters this home we've built.I sat on the couch as I waited, I didn't move at all until she arrived.
8:35 pm
Aileen was parked in front of the apartment building as she got out with three bags full of groceries I suppose.She saw that old man neighbor of ours smoking a cigarette as they exchanged a hello as he jokingly offered her a cigarette.
"Maybe in three months, hehe …." She said jokingly as she entered the building.
She got to the elevator as it opened faster than usual, she got in.She got to our floor as the lighting felt more exquisite as the lighting made her look like a supermodel.She got to our door as she went to unlock the door but it was already unlocked; this confused her as she walked in happily.
I hate to have to say this but I'm about to ruin her joy.She entered as she sees me sitting there as I stare at the ground.She closed the door as she asked laughingly
"What happened, you okay ?" I got up as I took the bags of groceries from her as she accepted it.She played along as I placed the groceries on the kitchen table and got the bank notice envelope for her as I looked her dead in the eyes as I looked like I haven't blinked in days, I had panda eyes.
She saw it as all her happiness had drained from her body in that exact moment as I can feel she knew what's to come; old habits once again.
"This is nothing Sid-" she said as I grabbed her by her arms and had her held as she added on
"You're hurting me-" I interrupted as I said softly
"Fifteen-thousand dollars…..fifteen- fucking- thousands dollars !" I yelled now as she jumped and started shaking.She got free as she stood there in shame as I paced around the room with my hands on my hips as Aileen started to cry,
"I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd act like this-" she froze as I got close and said
"Act like what, act like we're doing okay- act like we're living like the Rothschilds ?"
She got her confidence for a moment as she yelled back
"We ?- all those months I'd go out and work day and night- I didn't get my long vacation like you did Sid….I'm a fucking adult Sid ! - I do adult things I have a job, a car- a drivers license, I do taxes, I get up feeling like killing myself but stay for two reasons…..this fucking baby…..and you- you, it's always you- you fucking asshole !" She sobbed as I felt hurt by this but just couldn't let go of the whole adult thing.
"I'm a fucking adult okay, I'm going to be that little bastards father for Christ sakes-" I said in sorrow as she slapped me.I know I said I'd keep my compulsive tendencies back but this slap, it gave me a rude awakening; I grabbed her by the head and dragged her across the living and into our bedroom.She yelled as she said "ahhh Sid let go of me !!!" I got her to the bed as got her back up and standing straight as I threw against the wall as she hit her head.She's still conscious as she rubbed her head in pain and groaned as she still cried out
"You're a monster- please leave me alone…:stop- Sid stop-" I got her as I slapped her once and began to choke as she kept slapping and scratching my face to stop my ascension.I had a serious face and demeanor as she gasped for air as she said
"The baby….uhhh…please stop !" She begged now as her eyes teared up as she had the most saddening looking face as she didn't gander at her faking feeling hurt; I'm genuinely hurting her.I let go as I tried to catch my breath as I was sweating.I was on my knees as I was feeling the heat of guilt.Aileen got up against the wall and sat in dismay as she felt her neck as she got her breath back for a moment.We were both giving the same results of air but different reasoning and emotions.I just can't believe what I've done, why the hell would I do this ?
I looked over at her as she quickly avoided eye contact and curled up into a ball and began to sob.
"Baby- Aileen Baby I'm sorry, I would never anything to hurt I don't know what that was….I'm a fucking mess, I'm a miserable mess- please understand …." I whispered as I held her face close with my hands as she allowed it as I looked at her neck to see it looking swollen.I held her close as we locked into a hug on the floor as I cried with her; we cried together as I lastly said for the night.
"I don't know why you're still with me….I'm a fucking loser degenerate…..I'm sorry for what I've put you through- I really am…:god I just hope…" I snuffled.
"I just hope you can forgive me baby ….ahhh…" I cried in her arms as she rubbed my back.She flowed tears as she mimicked her lips around but didn't say anything as she didn't know if she should say it; she did.
"It's-it's okay…..it's okay baby….I forgive you …. Let it all out …." She said as we both laid on the floor of our bedroom in a depressive-downward spiral.
She got up and walked for the bathroom as I let go freely.I had my feet crossed as I stopped my tears slowly and got up and went to the living room.I see the notice in the living room again as I picked it up and put it back on the kitchen table.I stopped my sadness and calmed my drowsiness as I laid against the couch again; I slept a broken man and she rested a recovering woman.
Back to June 18th, I got up at 3:23 pm as I see I'm home alone; I wonder where Aileen had gone.I called as I went straight to voicemail, I then see I got a message from her,
"At the doctors, what happened ?" I forgot I had to go with her today, i hope she's not so mad.
"Nothing just wondering where you were; love you "
I responded as I put my phone away and saw her car parked in front, I'm assuming she took a taxi or something.I went back into the living room as I laid on the couch as I got my phone out and called Jesse; my favorite person.
"Hey you busy today ?" I asked as he sniffed something I couldn't tell but heard it,
"Hmmm- nope uhh if you wanted to do or get some I'll send my friends address-" I had to tell him straight up,
"Listen man I want too but I got no money …. I don't know if you can hook me up this one time ?"
He got pissy and replied
"Na no no- I don't do all that man I'm sorry, maybe next time or something - call me when you have cash -" I paced around the room as I looked in our bedroom closet to see all the things we got from our baby shower; gotta be worth something.
"Wait wait wait- okay no cash but what about something of value man…."
It was silent as I Looked through the stuff we got to get a clearer mind.
"What type of stuff and what type of value ?"
I simply replied
"Baby stuff, you know stuff for babies ?"
He laughed as he asked
"Ha What like diapers and baby wipes and powder- toys and shit like that ?"
I laughed too as I said
"Yes yea man- gotta be worth something come on, hook me up with something if you take this, maybe like a couple hundred bucks tops …."
He laughed as he replied
"Haha- man you're wild…. Alright I'll send you address where to meet me and bring the stuff- I'll see what I can give then; goodbye-"
He hanged up as I was happy about this, I put the phone in my pocket as I went into the kitchen and got a big white trash bag.
I got back into the room as I scavenged what I thought looked valuable.Diapers, Wipes, toys, clothing and his Elmo doll; I left his stuffed monkey doll.I then got a call from Aileen as I answered it,
"Yea ?" I asked as she replied
"Hey can you pick me up soon, like at 6:30 pm, imma get out of the doctors in like an hour and then I'm going to go eat down the street from it….I can send you the location in a bit- the car keys are under the bed…."
I was in a pickle now as I grunted and replied
"Ahh, alright I'll be there ….bye- bye love you "
I hanged up as I now have a way to drive to Jesse; he just now sent me the address.
I got up with the bag full of things as I went for under the bed to see the car keys and all.I headed out as I had the bag over me like I was Santa clause.I walked through the halls as I didn't see that old man now, it's odd.I got to the elevator as when it opens; he appeared.It shocked us both as I entered and he exited;
"Nice seeing you man …" I said with my head down as he smiled nervously and replied
"You too …"
I aggressively pressed for the doors to close as they did,
"Fucking asshole …" I muttered as I got to the first floor and went to Aileen's car; I haven't driven in a while.I put the white trash bag in the passengers seat as I started driving.I got to the address with ease as it was only 10 minutes away; I parked in the driveway of this home as it felt sketchy but I had faith in Jesse; he's never let me down.
I exited the car as I had the bag around me again as I locked the car.I walked up to the house as I knocked, all I could hear is Sunshine Of Your Love By Cream inside as the door opened.To my surprise, a young woman in a long red dress and black boots with red pink lipstick and pigtails opened the door,
"Uh is Jesse here ?" I asked as I heard him yell from inside
"Let him in Edith …..he's my boy …." He said as I was inside and I see him sitting on the living room couch; he got up as we hugged.
"Oh how you been man ?" He asked as I replied
"Well I'm still having a baby …." He was joyous as he said
"Holy shit- you are ? I forgot all about that ….girl or boy ?"
We both sat on the couch as Edith came in with two cups of pink lemonade; I see on the coffee table was a plate of macarons.
"Uhh- a boy, going to be named John B. Ford …."
He was at awe as Edith excused herself but she gave me dirty looks; like I don't belong.
"Ahhh that's sweet….John B. Ford ….sounds like the next President…hehe…..so what presents you bring me ?"
He asked as he got up as he rubbed his hands; I handed the bag over as he looked through it like a child on Christmas.
"Ohhh okay- looks good….alright I can give you about a baggy and a gram ….and a…..uhhh- you smoke crack ?"
I was shocked as I replied
"Well- uhhh- well no but I wouldn't mind it …."
He clapped in excitement as Edith came out with a suitcase, he started looking through it as he replied
"Great- Great thanks darling …..okay if you want we play this slow….get high …." He said as he pulled out a joint.
"We then fight that high with a better high …." He added as he got out that syringe kit and a some crack and a crack pipe.
"And if you're feeling lucky….we play with god today … ohhh check this out …." He pulled out a bag of Shrooms as I felt like a kid in a candy store as I grinned and simply replied
"Let's play house man …." He was happy to hear that as he sat aside me on the couch again as he slide the suitcase over; our binging shall commence.
7:38 pm
I finally can stop my idiocracy as I woke up to two strange things.Edith sleeping on my lap as she slept peacefully and the tv playing 2001: A Space Odyssey as it's barely heard due to the music playing; it's Neon Guts by Lil Uzi Vert.I can't even fathom the house decor as it has a very colorful environment; this whole place feels like a Wes Anderson film.I notice my hands all over Edith as it seems my position was me using her like a pillow.I slowly let go as I got my phone out to see the time, oh shit I forgot about Aileen.I see I got multiple texts and calls from here and even Janis and Ross; fuck them.
I feel a small migraine as I slowly had Edith of me as she sleeps aside Jesse.I got up as I leaned towards the coffee table to get a quick Oxycodone and Advil to cancel it both out; dumbest thing I've said so far.I laid back as I see my environment feels erratic and useless but I'm enjoying the high; I no my self-awareness of how I live but that itch never leaves.
I feel to scared and embarrassed to call or even text Aileen- hell I'm too scared to even look at the messages.I remember she has my tracker on my phone and I just never understood why she never came and picked me up anymore; she's probably bored by my little shenanigans.
8:45 pm
I napped as I got up again to see Edith awake and is watching the movie now as I was mute.Jesse was awake but was in the corner of the room drawing something; I got up now as I walked over to him as I said
"Hey I'm about to head out man; appreciate you for this- maybe I'll see you-" I stopped talking as I see his drawing, it's a spitting image of Edith.
"Maybe I'll see you again soon …..peace out man …" I lastly said as he paid me no mind, he was too focused.
I got out of the place as Edith gave me those weird looks again; that bitch.I exited the home as I see Aileen's car is gone; now I'm assuming the worst scenarios.I finally decide to man up and call her, I wait as it rings as I walked the neighborhood; I'm sent to voicemail.I try calling again as I walked up to the nearby bus stop; voicemail again, I see how she feels now.I try once more as the bus arrives on time, I got on as this bus takes me a few blocks from home; voicemail again; I just got to hope for the best when I get home.
9:08 pm
I get off at my stop as I start walking in a bit of shame as I can feel her perspective and feel despair.She most likely waited for me a half hour then decided to call but no answers.She maybe called Janis and Ross as they maybe picked her up or sadly couldn't and tried calling me; regardless she got home and got her car back with a spare key and had Janis or Ross got pick it up or she probably drove it back herself.She got home and tried calling again but no dice; she's maybe sitting in the living room in anger as she awaits for me as I waited for her the day before.
Now back to me, I'm walking as I see Thomas and them across the street.I try to avoid them as they say hello to me and offer me a drink, I had my head down and ignored them as they understood and laughed,
"Alright tell your husband I said hi- hehe…." Said Thomas as they all laughed at me.I finally arrived home as the apartment door was open, I entered as I went straight for the stairs up; I got to our floor as the hallways seemed dim.I walked up to our door as it unlocked; I prepared myself for hell as I entered the apartment.
Right when I enter I'm welcomed with open arms of the love of my life; she's throwing empty bottles at me as I duck from each one; she only throws three as
"Aileen- Aileen stop- Jesus Christ, you're gonna kill me !" I yelled as I slam the door shut; she stood after the third as she cries out
"Your better off dead you- you fucking asshole !"
I walked up to her as she said
"No you stay right there- you don't fucking move, don't get near me !" She held the bottle again as she protested to throw it, I stood completely still as I said
"Look I could understand why you're mad and I get it in an asshole like you said….but I don't think this is the way to talk this out baby ….just put the bottle down and let's talk…..please …."
She slowly out it down as she threw at my feet anyways,
"Will you stop- fuck, you're gonna kill me doing this !" I got a few steps closer as I stopped when I see her with another bottle, but it wasn't empty.
"What if I….what if I live how you do …I stop going to work and stay home and drink and take pills and have our baby come out stupid….how would that feel for you, do I even matter to you ?"
She asked in concern as I stuttered
"Yea-yes- of course-ye-yes you do- " she interrupted as she mocked my stutter,
"Duh duh duh, it's all you got to say….the hell's wrong with you, what if I just….what if I just take my life right now, huh- I jump out this window ?"
She started to rush towards the kitchen window as she still had the bottle in hand as I got a few more steps closer as I stopped as she still aimed the bottle.
"What if I do it Sid, I end my misery and start yours…what if show you how it feels to feel so ignored ?" It was silent as I got on my knees now as I cried slowly but no sobbing just pure tear.
"Aileen-Aileen I'm sorry….I'm a fucking wreck ….I'm druggy fucking loser ….." I started to sob then as I cried out
"I'm a fucking loser and shitty man I know that…." I said as I curled up into a ball on the floor as she put the bottle on the kitchen counter as she hurried to me in worry.She bend down as went to comfort me, I accepted it as I got up a bit as I had my head on her stomach now.I never cried like this in a while, I've only ever shown such emotion when my mother died.I cried and cried as I said
"I'll change baby….I'll go to rehab…I'll get clean….fuck the drugs, fuck the alcohol, it's all useless to me ….I'll stop just for you …,I mean in it this time …"
We both cried now as she went for a kiss, as lust rose I thought about all the possibilities when taking that first step into changing.
"I swear baby ….I'm done …." Was the last thing I said as we stayed in that position for a brief moment; tomorrow's a new day and more to come.