Matthew Montoya gets headaches when he cries. Alex found that out about one hour later. Some time when Alex was holding him, Matthew started to lean on him so heavily that he started to tip over. Alex not so gracefully bent himself into a sitting position on the floor, bringing Matthew with him. Matthew just went with it, probably glad that he didn't need the strength to stand anymore. And then he kept crying into Alex's chest until he was all out. Even when he stopped, he didn't pull away. Alex thought at first that he had cried himself to sleep. He was debating if he should try to move when Matthew suddenly sighed and sat up straight.
"Great," he muttered, putting a hand up to his head. "Not only am I now sober enough to be embarrassed, but I've got a crangover too."
"You were drunk?" Alex asked though he had questions about the weird word too.
Matthew's mouth tugged up into a half smile for a second. "No, it's just something my dad teases me about. He says I cry like a drunk. And he calls it sobering up when I stop. Especially since I tend to get a headache. My mom then started calling a crangover. It's just... crying and hangover, just... smooshed together..." Matthew shook his head and trailed off. "You probably could have figured that out on your own."
"I have some aspirin. I could go get it for you."
"Yeah, okay. Thanks."
Alex got up slowly, taking his time so his numb legs didn't immediately fail on him. Then he went to get the aspirin from the bathroom and a glass of water from the kitchenette. When he came back, he was a little surprised to see Matthew still on the floor of his room. Alex thought he would have gone back to his own. Taken the opportunity to gracefully end their interaction.
"Thanks," Matthew said again, taking the pills and water when Alex held them out. "Or gracias, since you're so fluent in Spanish."
"I wouldn't say fluent," Alex said, leaning against his desk. He didn't know if Matthew wanted him to sit next to him again. "I can understand writing better than spoken word. And my verbal skills aren't very good. I know I don't pronounce a lot of words like I'm meant to."
"Si. Mi mama dije que tú hablas como un gringo."
"Gringo?"
Matthew barked out a laugh, and Alex was struck by how different that made him look. "You said that like a gringo," he said around his laugh. "It means... well, just someone who's not a native speaker, I guess."
"Yeah, I guess that's a fitting label for me."
"Why do you speak Spanish? Pick it up from your nanny?"
"She's Scottish. I did pick up some Gaelic from her. Mostly bad words. I learned Spanish from my language tutor. I started seeing him when I was ten."
"Taking over France wasn't enough of a goal for you?"
Alex shrugged. "My mother doesn't like to rely on translators for business. So, I have lots of language tutors."
"How many do you speak?"
"Well, I'm not the best at all of them. But I have tutors in German, Mandarin, Spanish, and Korean. My mother wants me to start Japanese soon."
"Do you want to?"
"What?"
"Learn Japanese? Like, do you like learning all these languages?"
"I..." Never really thought about it, have you? AJ asked. "I don't think I would have chosen it for myself. I mean, spending hours of my weekends in extra lessons doesn't sound like much fun, does it? But... I think I do like it. Being able to communicate with more people. It's nice, that little bit of joy someone gets when a stranger speaks to them in their language."
"Yeah, I get that. So... I can't count, how many is that?"
Alex quickly tapped his finger and totalled them in his head. "Well, counting English that would be six, I guess. But I'm only really fluent in English and French. I could get by in the others if I had to."
Matthew cocked his head to the side. "What about Hindi?" he asked. "Wasn't that what your dad was speaking? Sure didn't sound like French."
"Oh. Yeah. That too, I guess."
"You guess?"
"Well, I've only ever spoken it with him, and... I haven't had the time to consistently talk with him in a while. Plus, I tend to default to English even when I do. I'm out of practice."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
Matthew looked into his glass. Alex could tell he wanted to ask more questions about his dad. He didn't know what he would say if he did. He didn't feel in the mood to lie about his dad. He had a feeling right now he would answer anything Matthew asked. Just to make sure they kept talking. Just to try and preserve this friendly yet fragile ground they were standing on.
Plus, if they stopped talking, they both would be left with nothing to distract them from the memory of that morning.
"Sorry you're missing your train," Matthew said instead of asking about Utkarsh.
"It's alright."
"Maybe... they'll let you leave tomorrow."
"I spoke with my mother. We'll be on lockdown all weekend. At least."
"Oh. Sorry."
"It's alright," Alex said again. He had a feeling it sounded even less convincing the second time. The words were starting to taste foul. "I, um, couldn't go anyways. Not until the holiday break in December."
"What? Why?"
"I'm just... not allowed. My mother doesn't want me off campus."
"Do you live far?"
"It's a two-hour train ride out of Brighton."
"That's not so bad. What's her problem?"
I've been trying to figure that out for fifteen years, mate, AJ said.
"She just... wants me to focus on my studies, I guess," Alex said, even though that wasn't his best guess. His best guess was that Margaret Conrad wanted to keep her son as far as possible for as long as possible.
"Does she know your dad called you?"
"She does. She told me he's... He's fine. That I shouldn't worry about him."
"But you will, won't you?"
"I always do."
"Is he... sick?"
"... Yes."
"Oh." Matthew looked at his glass again. "My sister is too."
"I know," Alex said without thinking. Matthew's head snapped up.
"You know?" He said, his expression turned suspicious.
Alex heated up and hoped he didn't just ruin everything. "Um, yeah," he stammered. "Well, I assumed, I guess. I- I heard you on the phone, with your mother. A few weeks ago. You mentioned something about your sister needing expensive medicine. I... Sorry, I shouldn't have eavesdropped."
"Ah. That's... that's okay. I thought..."
"Thought what?"
"Never mind. Saying it out loud makes it sound unbelievably stupid."
"Well, now I'm curious."
"Fine," Matthew sighed. "I thought maybe you had some kind of spy file on me. Gathered intel on my family and stuff."
Alex chuckled. "Yes, that does sound a little silly. I didn't even know you had a sister until I heard you on the phone. Eloise said you get on well with your family."
"You two talk about me?"
"Only when she was trying to convince me you were a prick with a heart of gold."
"Ah. Acceptable, then. And I do. With my parents and sister at least. A couple of my tíos and tías aren't bad either. A fair number of my extended family members are tools. Like my cousin Miguel. Ugh, Elena, too. She is such a diva. Her quinces was a real nightmare. She wouldn't let my little cousin Amelia be in any of her photos because she thought she was too ugly."
"That's so mean."
"Amelia's brother kept making faces in his pictures to get back at her."
"He sounds like a good brother."
"It was half for his entertainment. But yeah, he is."
"You... seem like you're a good brother too."
"What makes you say that?"
"You comforted that girl this morning," Alex said, hoping he wasn't getting too close to that off-limits memory. "You were kind to her, even though you didn't even know her."
Matthew shrugged. "I mean, what else are you supposed to do when you see a little kid crying?"
Alex smiled. "Little kid? She's only three years younger than you."
"I guess she did kind of remind me of Amelia."
"I have a cousin named Amelie," Alex said, for no other reason than the similar name suddenly bringing her to mind.
"She goes here?"
"No, she's just a baby. She'll be one year in October. Someday she might come here. Though.... Well. My aunt and uncle aren't very kind to her."
"Wait. Is she the one everyone was gossiping about last year? The one whose birth father is Christopher Dominguez?"
Alex was pretty sure that was the first time he had heard someone so openly say that. "That gossip even got back to you?"
"Of course. Chris Dominguez is a big celebrity in LA especially. Besides," Matthew flashed a crooked grin, "Chisme is the only thing you guys are good for. It's why we let you all stick around, you know."
"Nice to know we have some purpose, I guess."
"Sorry to hear her folks are being dicks to her. I... kind of forgot there was a baby at the centre of that mess."
"Her brother Sean loves her a lot. I think you two would get along. He was supposed to be your flatmate this year."
"Really?"
"He went here up until this year. His mother got worried he was devolving into debauchery when they found a joint during a room check."
"Oh no, not marijuana," Matthew said, pretending to be scandalized.
"He did it on purpose, I think. To be closer to his sister. His family lives in Dublin, and he goes to Laughlin now. I'm sure he sneaks off campus to visit her as often as he can."
"You got any siblings?"
"No. Sometimes I..."
"You what?"
"... Sometimes I wish I did," Alex said. He had never talked about this with anyone other than himself. "But it's for a selfish reason."
"How is wanting a sibling selfish?"
"Because... maybe then they could take my place."
"Take your place?" Matthew said, his eyebrows scrunching in confusion.
"Yeah. My mother could put her expectations on them instead of me. Prime them to be the next Conrad head. Stop focusing on me and all the things she thinks I'm not doing right. And I... Well, I wouldn't have to be The Conrad. I could just be... myself. Just Alex."
Whoever he is, AJ added.
Matthew stared at Alex with a blank expression for a few seconds. "I need to tell you something, Alex," he said. It was the first time he had called him by his name. Not Conrad. Not even Alexander. Just straight to Alex. The sound of it would have made Alex grin if Matthew didn't suddenly have such a grim look on his face. "Confess something."
"What do you mean?"
"I... I've felt guilty about it for the past three weeks. Baptiste... he couldn't even be around me long. Couldn't get too close. Because he hated feeling my guilt. I wanted to get rid of it, for his sake, but I was too scared. Too scared to admit what I had done to you."
Alex's memory went back to that day when he had overheard the two of them in the stables. So, Matthew had been talking about him?
"You... you've not done anything wrong, though," he said. "I mean, the music and the snacks stealing, that was just-"
"Petty," Matthew finished. "And childish. But also, not what I'm talking about."
"Then what?"
Matthew put his now empty water glass on the floor and wrapped his arms around himself like he was suddenly cold. "That Sunday after Ellie's party," he started, looking down at a spot on the floor, "when we all got called into your uncle's office... What did he say to you when he called you downstairs? What did you say to him?"
Alex tried not to flinch as his face stung from the memory. He remembered his rage and helplessness at that moment.
"He asked me what happened," Alex said. "And I told him."
" What did you tell him?"
"The truth," Alex said, his voice insistent. "Not that ridiculous story he went with. Please, you have to believe I didn't want to let him get away with that. With giving Malcolm a surface-level slap on the wrist for what he did to you. I... I should have said something afterwards. I should have called out his lie. I should have-"
"Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to be confessing a terrible wrong here, remember?" Matthew said, his serious expression cracking enough for a smile to slip through.
"But you didn't do anything," Alex repeated.
"Yeah... That's the confession."
"What?"
"I... I heard it."
"Heard it? What do you mean?"
"Your uncle hit you hard, Alex. I heard it."
Alex's body tensed up. He was pretty sure that was the first time anyone had said that out loud. Everyone else had just given him knowing looks and sympathies through subtext. It startled him so much he couldn't even really process what Matthew said after 'hit'. Matthew took his silence as an opportunity to explain himself further.
"I gave you such a hard time the night before," he said, getting to his feet so abruptly that he knocked his glass over. Alex watched it roll as Matthew continued. "Shit, I'd been giving you a hard time since day one. And that night I was just so angry and embarrassed and scared I just... I had seen you watching, and I thought to myself that I would never just stand by while someone was in trouble. And then the next fucking day..." Matthew grabbed at his hair like he had done before he started to cry. His eyes were dry now, but still filled with grief. "He hit you so hard. We all heard it. Me and Sanders and Alvaro. And we all knew what it was, right away. At first, we all just sort of looked at each other. And then Sanders got this look in his eyes... He's usually such a laid-back guy, but at that moment, he looked angry enough to kill a man. He started bolting down the staircase, but Alvaro stopped him halfway. Probably to keep him from doing something that would get him arrested. And that whole time I just... sat there. I knew what he did and I just... I froze."
"I... That... I'm sorry, did you say you heard it?" Alex said, his brain fixating on that. Had it been that hard of a smack? Sure, the door was open, and that building's acoustics were a little strange, but... Christ, they were a whole floor above. That couldn't be true, could it? He did remember Alvaro and Sanders looking at him with grim faces when he left. And Alvaro had been noticeably less strict with him in class. Maybe that was his way of apologizing for his inaction. For stopping Sanders' intended action.
"Yes, I did," Matthew confirmed with a sad smile. "And I just sat there. I'm so sorry, Alex."
"That's... you don't... have to apologize for that," Alex said, still trying to process with this new information.
"Yes, I do. Especially since I didn't even say anything to you after that. Because I was so up my ass about having to admit what a hypocrite I am. To admit that to you. I wanted to get away with looking more sanctimonious than I am."
"But it was different," Alex said. "Malcolm and my uncle. You and me. I could have stopped Malcolm that night. Easily. If you had stepped in with Thomas... Well, he might have had you expelled. Or worse."
"You think? Do you think he would take that risk knowing how big my mouth is? Knowing that I got enough people to listen to me to start this mess in the first place? Don't know how much worse the press could get than that. 'Thomas Conrad expels student for trying to prevent the abuse of a child'." Alex's skin crawled at the sound of that word. "It is different, sure, but I don't need you making excuses for me. I'm not powerless here. And I just... I'm sorry. For abandoning you back there. And for not telling you sooner than now that your uncle was way out of line. And if that shit's happening all the time-"
"It's not," Alex interrupted. "Not- not to me anyways. That was the first time he's done that to me."
"Has anyone else-"
"No. And... I'm sorry, but I don't feel like talking about my family right now."
"Yeah. Okay. Sorry."
"It's okay. Thank you, though. For your concern."
"Don't sound so surprised," Matthew muttered, leaning against Alex's bedframe. His body almost looked lighter. "I'm not heartless."
"I know," Alex said. Again, he thought of that day in the stables. At how tortured Matthew had seemed. Alex still didn't think he needed to feel guilty for his sake, but he figured he would just keep disagreeing with him if he said that.
"And I know you're not, either. I... I figured that much the first time I talked to you. I tried to convince myself that you were putting up a front. That you were just another spoiled rich kid working an angle. Made it easier to act like a dick."
"I am another spoiled rich kid," Alex muttered. "And I did technically have an angle. At least, I was supposed to. I didn't want to be a part of it. I didn't have any files, but I was meant to act like a bit of a spy. Report back if you were doing anything my family might be concerned about."
"Yeah? If you had come in one day and saw me constructing a guillotine, would you have told your family?"
"Right now, I would help you finish it," Alex said without thinking it through. He was too tired to filter himself anymore. If he was smart, he would stop talking altogether.
Matthew let out a chuckle. "I think I believe you," he said, sounding a little surprised. "You know, even though I always suspected you weren't the asshole I was trying to pretend you were, it did still feel like... I don't know. I'm not sure if I can explain it. It just feels like you're holding something back. A version of yourself you're not letting people see. Just makes it hard to trust you, I guess. When it's clear the person we're talking to isn't the one you are."
I think he's talking about me, AJ said eagerly.
"I started calling him AJ," Alex said. "And he's not all that pleasant to chat with."
I resent that.
"AJ?"
"It... stands for Alex Junior. The person I'm holding back. He's very honest and bitter. I think I'm doing the world a favour by keeping him at bay."
Matthew cracked a smile that reached his eyes. "Honesty and bitterness have their moments, you know," he said. "But I guess I'm a pretty good example of those traits needing moderation too, huh?"
"Just a little, yeah."
"Would... would it be too dumb to ask if we could start over? We've both fucked up a couple of times and... I mean, the petty shit just seems especially pointless, now that..." Matthew swallowed hard. "Well, we can't change the past, but maybe we still have a shot at not fucking up our futures."
"I would like that," Alex said. "It's... nice to re-meet you, Matthew."
Matthew's eyes softened with relief. He stepped forward and held out his hand in greeting. "You can call me Matt if you want. Or Mattie."
"Maddie?" Alex repeated as they shook hands, mishearing him through his accent.
Matthew chuckled and shrugged. "Sure, why not? Call me whatever you want, Allie."
Alex's face warmed slightly from the embarrassment of getting the nickname wrong. It distracted him from the fact that for some reason Matthew calling him Allie didn't bother him at all. By the time he did realize he wasn't bothered, the sound of Matthew's stomach growling kept him from having to ponder why.
"You heard that, right?" Matthew said, looking bashful when Alex nodded. "Guess a day spent puking is finally catching up with me. You wouldn't happen to know what the dinner situation is, would you?"
Alex glanced at his bedroom's clock to see it was already seven. "Not sure exactly when they came through, but I think we missed them," he said. "Oh, but I still have the paella Chef Jerimiah dropped off at lunch if you're interested."
"Nah, it's okay. I don't want to steal your food."
"I'm fine sharing. I just hope you'll still think it tastes good when you have permission."
Matthew held back a grin and nodded. "Touché, Allie," he said. "Touché."