Alex's standard for a good night's sleep had become shockingly low over the past few months. So many things had been building up to make him glad when he got one or two decent hours in. His family's expectations of him being Matthew's flatmate. Matthew's old habit of playing his loud music. His father's phantom phone calls. The echoes of his ramblings. And of course, the memory of Baptiste. The grief and guilt Alex felt over his death.
Alex thought he had adjusted to his new shambles of a sleep schedule, but that Monday night was truly something else. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw that newspaper headline. He heard the gossip from the dining hall. Emilio's accusation. His threat. And his mind wasn't the only thing giving him a hard time. His body wasn't being very kind to him either. His head felt like it was being hammered. His limbs felt sore no matter what position he was in. He felt too cold without his blankets. Too hot with them on. Then too hot no matter what.
I think the something else you are today, AJ observed as Alex's restless sleep was finally put out of its misery by his alarm clock, is an even more miserable little shit.
"Very observant, mate," Alex said through clenched teeth. His head was pounding, and he still felt way too hot. When was the last time he felt too hot? "Thank you. So much."
You're welcome.
Alex was stupid enough to think he would be able to power through whatever the hell was wrong with him, but as soon as he tried to get up the room spun. He went crashing to the ground, getting out a few expletives as he went. Before he could get too familiar with his room's carpet, he heard a knock on his door.
"Alex?" Matthew called out. "Was that you?"
"Yes," he said, wincing at how ragged his voice sounded.
"Are you... okay?"
"No."
"Do you need help?"
So much, AJ said. For so many reasons.
"Yes. Please."
Matthew opened the door just enough to poke his head through, raising his eyebrows when he saw where Alex was. "You're on the floor."
"Mm. The room is spinning so the floor is my friend."
Matthew opened the door all the way and knelt by Alex's side. He put a hand to his forehead, barely touching him before jerking away.
"Fuck, dude," he said, shaking his hand out like he'd been singed. "Alex, your skin feels like a hot plate."
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to. Hang on..." He tried to focus on his powers, to tell them to calm down. It felt a bit like shouting into an empty chasm. "Better?"
Matthew put his hand back to Alex's head, hovering just above it this time. "You're warmer."
"I feel warm."
"I'm calling Nurse Clara. Don't move."
"Pas de problème, mon ami, " Alex muttered, not entirely realizing he was speaking French. "I can do nothing very well ."
Matthew gave him a look that seemed half concerned and half amused before dashing out into the hall. Alex closed his eyes once he was gone and felt like he only lay there alone for a couple of seconds. But when he opened his eyes again it was because he heard a woman's voice, not Matthew's.
"Alexander, can you hear me?" she said. Nurse Clara. She shook him lightly before sucking her teeth in. "Jesus, he is warm."
"Matthew, could you call Professor Alvaro for us?" Another woman's voice added. Dr. Bayer. "He should be in his classroom by now, just dial 90 and then his room number. Tell him to come here quickly."
Alex didn't hear Matthew respond, but he heard footsteps hurrying away. Then Dr. Bayer spoke again. "Help me get him back in bed. Try not to burn yourself."
"The floor is my friend," Alex muttered, in Hindi this time. Still not on purpose. Neither of them understood him, so all they could do was speak comforting words that Alex couldn't hear through the growing pounding in his head as they picked him up under his arms. He tried to help as they slowly navigated him back to his bed, but when he opened his eyes, it looked like his bed was on the ceiling. He closed his eyes immediately and instead tried to help by doing his best not to vomit.
After a minute he felt his body hit the mattress, and he still heard Nurse Clara and Dr. Bayer speaking to him. But now the pounding was so loud he couldn't even discern their intentions. "I can't hear you," he said, still speaking Hindi. "I can't hear you, sorry."
He wasn't sure if they stopped talking or if his headache was just getting too loud, but he stopped hearing their voices. He wasn't sure how quickly time was passing anymore. At one point he felt a hand on his shoulder, very briefly. It was smaller than Clara's or Bayer's. Then, he wasn't sure how much later, a different hand at his neck. He couldn't tell if it was Clara or Bayer, but he could decipher that it was trying to get him to sit up. He managed it, but he still wasn't confident enough to open his eyes. Once he did, he felt a heavy glass being placed in his right hand and two tiny tablets in his left. He had a feeling whoever was placing them there was telling him what they were for, but he didn't care at the moment. He popped them in his mouth and swallowed them along with all the contents of the glass. It was cold water that he was pretty sure started to steam as soon as it touched his lips.
He lay back down once the empty glass was taken from him, and ever so gradually the pounding in his head receded. He wasn't sure how much time passed before a hand was on his forehead again. It felt different from Clara or Bayer. Not calloused, but still strong. Steady. It reminded him a bit of...
"Pita?" he mumbled, struggling to open his eyes. He knew he was wrong. He knew what his father's hand felt like, and that wasn't it. But as his no longer spinning vision came into focus, and he saw the outline of the person above him, he second-guessed himself. Dark brown skin. Curly dark hair with streaks of grey. Short beard. "Dad?" He repeated, a little louder and finally in English. But when his vision came into full focus, he wished he had stuck with Hindi. Because it was Professor Alvaro. He was sitting in Alex's desk chair, pulled up right next to Alex's bedside so he could keep his hand on Alex's forehead.
You idiot, AJ said muttered as the most mortifying embarrassment he had ever experienced crawled across his skin. You absolute fucking idiot.
Alvaro just looked down at him with a blank expression, as a different voice chuckled from behind him. "That's a new one," they said around their laugh. Coach Sanders. "You are very fatherly, aren't you, Ilyas?"
Alvaro rolled his eyes but otherwise didn't acknowledge Coach Sanders' comment. "How are you feeling, Mr. Conrad?" he said, still not moving his hand. "Still dizzy?"
"Sorry, sir. I thought you were Sorry."
"How do you feel?" He repeated.
He's letting it go, mate, AJ said. Take the boon.
"Um, right. I... Better." And he did. No more spinning. No more headaches. Not too hot anymore, either. Alvaro's hand on his head was making him feel a little weird though. "Um, sir? What are you doing?"
Alvaro answered by taking his hand off Alex's forehead. Immediately, Alex felt far too hot again. He noticed now the air was warping around him like his skin did when it was on the verge of combusting. Sanders winced from where he stood, a good three feet back, and Alvaro quickly put his hand back where it had been. As quickly as it had sprung up, Alex's body heat died back down, so much so that he almost felt cold. Alex blinked up at Alvaro for a second, realizing his blank expression was a result of concentration, not apathy. He completely forgot Alvaro was a fire wyvern too, and he was somehow keeping Alex from catching on fire.
You can do that? AJ shouted, almost giving him a headache again.
I can't, Alex corrected.
"How are you doing that?" he asked out loud.
"Years of practice," Alvaro said. "And many more catastrophes."
"So many catastrophes," Sanders added. "This one time-"
"Say another word and I'm never speaking to you again, payaso."
"I- I'm sorry," Alex said again, his embarrassment coming back as he realized what was happening. He thought maybe he had caught a fever, but no. It was his powers again. And they had been spiralling out of control all night. So intensely that he hadn't even realized what was happening. How much longer would it have taken for his whole body to catch fire? What if Alvaro hadn't come in time to stop him? What if it had happened while he restlessly slept, with Matthew right on the other side of his wall? "I'm so sorry, I didn't- I didn't mean-"
He stopped himself as his throat tightened. He never meant to, did he? He never meant to, and that's what was wrong with him.
"It's been a stressful weekend, lad," Sanders said, coming a little closer. "There's no reason to apologize."
"But I-"
"What did I say about apologizing?" Alvaro interrupted.
"To only say it when I mean it," Alex answered, more shame rising at the sound of his voice. He sounded like a child about to cry over being scolded. "But I do mean it. I swear."
Alex couldn't stop a couple of tears from escaping. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He didn't know if that was AJ's voice or his own. Maybe both. It only stopped berating him when Alvaro's face softened, and he brought his other hand to rest on top of Alex's head.
"Yo se, niño," Alvaro said, his voice taking on an affectionate tone that almost sounded bizarre coming from him. "But you should not. Your powers are connected to your emotions. They are strong, and they are tired of being kept at bay. There is no shame in feeling them, and no shame in relying on others when you cannot bear their weight on your own."
Alex shut his eyes as more tears spilt out. He braced himself for that berating voice to come back, but it never did. As he closed his eyes and cried, his shame and embarrassment only dissipated. Maybe Alvaro siphoning off his heat was helping his emotions calm down. Maybe it was because with his eyes closed, Alvaro's hand patting down his hair reminded him a lot of his dad.
He wasn't sure how long he stayed like that, but eventually, his tears stopped, and Alvaro pulled one hand away. "You've stopped heating up," Alvaro said as Alex opened his bleary eyes, "I'm going to move away, okay?"
"Are you sure?" he asked. Sanders was still in the room, and he wasn't fireproof.
"Yes, Alexander. You'll be fine. Ready?"
Alex hesitated for a second, then nodded. He held his breath as Alvaro pulled his hand away, watching the air around him. It didn't wave or warp, and he didn't combust. Alvaro stood up from the dining chair, twisting his wrist like it was strained.
"T-thank you, sir," Alex stuttered out. "I... I didn't know we could do that."
"It's a relatively new technique," Alvaro said. "And requires a lot of patience and concentration, lest you make things worse. Plus, it was developed by lower-level researchers from Brazil. Old families tend not to put much stock into what they have to say. I taught the basics of it to Sean before he left."
"Really?"
"Your youngest cousin was having some very heated episodes, it seems. He wanted to help. Dr Bayer asked me a few weeks ago if I had any advanced exercise recommendations for a young fire wyvern. Am I right to assume she was working with you?"
"Yes. All I practice are the ones I learned in primary school. I thought I was doing well with them, but I guess not."
"You have been through something very traumatic, Mr. Conrad. It is taking a toll. You do not need to be ashamed."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, kid," Coach Sanders added. "Besides, if you feel like you need more rigorous help, Ilyas here would be more than happy to spend some time with you."
"You need to stop volunteering me for things," Alvaro said. "That's how I got stuck coaching Sean in the first place."
"Don't let his prickly act scare you," Sanders said, shoving Alvaro aside to lean in and pretend to whisper. "He used to be a Wyvern youth counsellor in his younger life. He's quite fond of you kids."
Alvaro pulled Sanders back by his collar. "Stop making me sound old."
"You are old."
"Remind me again why you're here."
"Well, I was bored, mostly," Sanders said with a shrug.
"Go teach your class, idiota."
"No way, if you get to ditch then I do too."
Alex chuckled at them, and they looked over at him like they had forgotten he was there. "You two are a funny couple," he said without thinking. Alvaro raised an eyebrow at him, but before he could respond the flat's door opened and closed, and Dr. Bayer was soon walking into the room.
"Everything alright, gentlemen?" she asked.
"Mr. Conrad's powers have calmed down," Alvaro explained. "He should be fine on his own for now."
"Thank you, Ilyas. I'll call you if we need your help again."
Alvaro nodded and turned to leave with Sanders but paused and looked back at Alex. "If you ever want to take Coach Sanders' generous offer of my help up, I'm in my classroom until five o'clock most days."
"Thank you, sir," Alex said to his back as he left. Once he was gone Dr. Bayer took the now empty spot in the desk chair. "I'm sorry, Dr. Bayer. For troubling you."
"Helping students with their powers in my job, Alexander," she said with a small smile. "You're no trouble at all."
Alex glanced at his bedside clock. It was already ten in the morning. He had the last touch with reality. It only felt like he'd woken up an hour ago. "Where's Matthew?" he asked. "Is he alright? I... I think I burned him this morning, by accident. When he was trying to help me up."
"He's fine. No burns at all. He was worried about you, though. It took me a while to convince him to go off to his classes. Mr. Farrow, on the other hand, I had no such luck with. Clara's been keeping him at bay in the hallway."
"Really?"
"I'll let him come in and see you in a minute, now that you're not in danger of combusting. I just wanted to talk with you for a moment."
"Yeah. Right."
Dr. Bayer smiled warmly and leaned in closer. "Professor Alvaro probably already told you this, but since I can see in your eyes you didn't believe him, I'll say it again: what's happened this morning is nothing you should be ashamed of. To be honest, I'm surprised it took this long. There are plenty of adult wyverns who would have reacted to this a lot sooner if they'd gone through what you did this past weekend. And it's not a coincidence it started while you slept when you weren't aware enough to put a stop to them. And of course, all that energy you were expending made you feel sick, which aggravated them more. Again, it's not your fault."
"O-okay."
Dr. Bayer pursed her lips. "You're still chastising yourself in your head, aren't you?"
"Yes. Sorry."
Dr. Bayer smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. "That's alright, Alexander. Maybe it's something we can work on, in counselling sessions. I'd like to put you on my schedule for regular weekly meetings. Is that alright?"
"Um. Yeah. Sure."
"And... I think I'd like them to be more than just about your powers. For you to use the time to... talk through some things. Anything you'd like."
"... Like therapy?"
"Does calling it that makes you uncomfortable?"
"A- a little," Alex admitted.
"I won't force you to do anything you aren't willing to. But I do think it would help. With your powers, and... Well, with you."
"Will... will my mother know? About anything we talk about? I know Jack said you don't tell them, but..."
"What we talk about stays between you and me," she promised. "The only exceptions are if I have cause for concern over your safety or that of others."
If you tell her you want to kill yourself, AJ clarified in his signature tactful manner. Or someone else.
"Right. Okay."
"Like I said, we can stick with the exercises and simple small talk like before. But if you want to take the opportunity to talk about more, I'll be there."
"Thank you."
"I did have to call your mother about one thing, though," Dr. Bayer said, reaching into her coat pocket. Alex tensed when she brought out a small bottle of little blue pills with a red stripe through them. "These are very low-dose suppressants," Dr Bayer added quickly when she noticed his reaction. "They're mostly prescribed to younger wyverns. Ten years and under. They tend to have much less adverse side effects. Given the physical damage your powers have the potential to cause, I think it would be best to put you on a nightly routine with these. Temporarily. And only to compensate for the lack of control you have while you sleep. One tablet. Right before you go to bed. That should be more than enough to keep them in check while you rest."
Alex stared at the bottle as he thought again about how close he had been to setting his entire flat on fire. "My mother knows about this?"
"I had to get her approval before prescribing them."
"And she was fine with it?"
"She said she would defer to my expertise," Dr. Bayer said, but Alex noticed her tone sounded slightly exasperated, and the corners of her mouth hinted at a frown.
Oh, she was not paying attention to her, AJ guessed. She would have agreed to anything to end the conversation. Bayer should have taken the chance to get a pay raise.
"Regardless of what your mother thinks," Dr. Bayer continued, "is this something you're alright with, Alexander?"
"You think it's the best choice?"
"For now. You just need time. To work with your powers. To mourn. To adjust. Think of it like a cast. Once the bone heals, you won't need it anymore."
"... Yeah. Okay. I... I don't want to hurt anyone. Especially..." Alex trailed off, but Dr. Bayer figured out who he meant.
"I'm glad to see you two getting along," she said, placing the bottle of pills on his bedside table. "I thought you two might make good friends."
"We had a lot of time to work things out over the weekend," Alex said. "Did you... Have you heard about what the police said? About Baptiste?"
Dr. Bayer nodded. "Headmaster Conrad released a statement to staff, students, and families this morning. But I hear you all found out last night."
"Mary Somers brought back a newspaper from town."
"I see."
"Do you think... I mean, you spent time with Baptiste, and..." Alex stopped when he read Dr. Bayer's pained expression. "And you can't tell me anything, can you?"
"Everything we talked about he told me in confidence."
"Right. Sorry."
"I sincerely hope their investigation can give you kids some closure," Dr. Bayer said, as she stood up, though her tone made it clear she didn't think that was likely. "I've already informed your teachers you're taking a sick day. Please get some rest. And if you need anything, don't hesitate to call my office."
"Thank you."
"Shall I tell Clara to keep Mr. Farrow from bothering you?"
"No, that's alright. He can come in. It's probably best he's not left unsupervised out there anyways."
"Mm. Probably. I'll see you Friday, then, Alexander."
"Right. Friday."
Dr. Bayer gave him one last smile before picking up the dining table chair and carrying it out of his room. Alex heard the front door open and close, then open again after a couple of seconds. A few hesitant footsteps later, Jack was popping his head around the corner of his doorway.
"You going nuclear?" he asked.
"Not anymore," Alex answered. Jack smiled and let himself in, practically skipping to Alex's bed with his bookbag swinging in his hand. Alex barely had time to pull his legs up to his chest before Jack jumped onto his bed right where they used to be.
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to take a sick day," Jack said as he rummaged through his bag. "I got all the snack food staples. Cheetos Puffs. Those stupid cookies you like. Oh!" He pulled out a thermos. "And Ellie made this for you."
"Ellie?"
"Yeah, she's going to classes today," he explained, putting the thermos in Alex's hands. "I saw her in the dining hall at breakfast. That's when Montoya came in and told us you were sick. She borrowed some ingredients from the kitchen and made her grandma's chai recipe. She said, and I quote, 'He doesn't have to admit it's better, I already know'. Although I did take a sip, and it might just be because I'm used to it, yours is better. Don't you dare tell her I said that. Oh, and Montoya said you could borrow his Gameboy if you got bored."
"His what?"
"Gameboy. It's a little video game console. My sister has one. The games are pretty fun. He said it's just on his desk."
"... I could have killed him."
Jack stopped rifling around in his bag and looked up. "What?" he said, thrown off by Alex's sudden serious tone.
"Matthew. My powers were going ballistic and I didn't even notice. He was right on the other side of that wall. I could have killed him." Jack opened his mouth, but Alex cut him off. "And don't say something like, 'But you didn't', or 'It wasn't your fault'. I'm sick of hearing that."
"I wasn't going to."
"Uh-huh."
"You think I don't know how shitty it feels when your body goes AWOL on you?" Jack said. "I once almost fried Henry because he took the last pizza slice. If Mickey hadn't stopped me, he would been dead. I felt like shit for... Well, sometimes I still do, to be honest."
"How long ago was that?"
"Back when I was still at Highlands, so... five years? Maybe more. That's why my folks put me on suppressants back then." Jack noticed the bottle on Alex's desk. "Bayer give you those?"
"Yeah."
"They look different than mine did. Smaller."
"They're meant for children."
"Oh. Right. I think those are the ones they got for Bev. They're a new thing, I guess. Figures she would get the upgrades while I had to force down horse pills."
"How has she been doing with them?"
"Fine. They don't make her as sick as mine did. If Bayer thinks they're good for you-"
"Yeah. I trust her."
"Look, I know there's not much I can do to not make you feel less like a tool right now," Jack muttered. "And... I can leave if you want me to."
"No," Alex sighed. "No, I'm sorry for snapping, I just..."
"Yeah. I get it."
"... You said you brought shortbread biscuits?"
"Why you like these things so much I'll never understand," Jack said, going back to his bag and pulling out a decent-sized tin. "They are so boring."
"You don't want any then?"
"I didn't say that. Want me to get Montoya's console? Bet I can kick your ass at Tetris."
"I bet you can too, given I've no idea what that means."
Jack rolled his eyes and jumped off the bed to go get the game. When he came back with a white and grey little rectangle, he shoved Alex against the wall next to his bed so he could fit up by the headboard next to him.
"Ow," Alex complained.
"Baby, that did not hurt," Jack said, squishing him against the wall even more. "Alright, so the idea is to stack these little blocks around so that they fill in rows and disappear. You lose when the stacks get too high."
"This sounds like work."
"It's fun, trust me. Here, watch me first."
Alex never actually got to play the game. Jack had his sister's high score memorized and kept losing before he beat it. Every time he insisted that he just needed one more try to beat it, and every time he failed. Alex didn't mind, though. After a few hours of eating junk food and watching Jack lose his mind over pixelated squares, he managed to forget about his powers the pills and that false statement his uncle put out. For a little while, at least. He didn't feel great, exactly, but as he drank Eloise's chai which was good but not better than his father's, he realized he felt better. Not perfect, but better.
Small victories, mate, AJ said, his tone strangely affectionate as they watched Jack cuss out an L-shaped piece. Take them where you can get them, yeah?