Alex made it through about half his first session with Dr. Bayer without looking at her. Her office made it very easy. It was small and filled with things she must have been collecting for years. Tapestries adorning the walls. Handmade pillows and blankets. A bookcase filled equally with books and paperweights. Unlike his mother's books, they all looked well-worn and varied heavily from one to the next. At one point while he probably should have been listening to Dr. Bayer, he was instead focused on reading their spines. He was sure there was a psychology textbook next to a poetry collection next to a trashy romance novel.
Dr Bayer sat in a leather armchair right in front of the bookcase, so it looked like he was paying attention to her rather than her knickknacks. He was so frustrated with himself for feeling so suddenly nervous. He had felt fine about going to her session all week. Had hardly thought about it all. Just an appointment on a calendar. But when he woke up that Friday morning, his stomach felt uneasy. Like he had eaten something dodgy the night before. He thought that was what it was, until he realized it was getting worse the closer and closer he got to the session time.
It wasn't that she was intimidating. Even if Alex didn't know her disposition, he would probably assume she was a warm person. She just sort of had that look about her. She had a petite frame and brown hair that had been in a pixie cut since Alex had known her. She always wore round golden glasses and patterned cardigans and trousers that never seemed like they should go together. But she made them work. It was hard to guess her age just from looking at her. If he had to guess Alex would say mid-40s, but sometimes she came across as significantly younger and other times as older.
No, he wasn't intimidated by Dr. Bayer. He just couldn't focus on her too much or he would be thinking about all the reasons he shouldn't be there. About how much his cousins would tease him if they did. How if they did then word would get back to his uncle and mother. About what either of them would do then. He almost didn't come when he came out of PE feeling like he was going to vomit. It was a miracle he made it into her office. Jack helped. He must have sensed Alex wanted to ditch the appointment the same way he always wanted to ditch his classes because he insisted on walking him to the science building despite how out of the way it was from his last class.
Alex was in the middle of trying to figure out if the bookcase had some organizational method he could decipher when he heard Dr. Bayer calling his name.
"Alexander, did you hear me?" she said, bringing his attention to her face for the first time. She had a smile on her lips like she knew the answer was definitely no.
"Um..." He said, confirming her guess. "Sorry, did you ask me something?"
Dr. Bayer shook her head but still retained her good-natured smile. "Are you anxious about being here?" she repeated in a patient voice. "Or are you just very interested in borrowing a particular book from behind me?"
"Sorry. I was mostly surprised by the variety. You read a lot of different stuff."
"So, you aren't anxious?"
"I didn't say that."
"I know upper old families have a bit of a stigma when it comes to stuff like this. But your grandfather himself was the one who hired me. He didn't do that for nothing."
"Huh. Jack said something very similar."
"Besides," Dr. Bayer continued, "everything we talk about in this room stays in this room. I won't tell your family anything you don't want me to."
"Yeah, I know."
"You're still worried, though."
Alex looked down at his knees instead of Dr. Bayer. In a way, her warm disposition was making him squirm even more. It kept reminding him of all those times he had been sitting across from his mother in her office, and how small he had felt in those moments. He hated how unfamiliar Dr. Bayer's kindness felt.
"I just get too in my head about these kinds of things," he muttered. "I think about all the things that could happen and then start reacting like they have."
Not that different from dad, huh? AJ spoke up for the first time since he entered the office. Alex never wished he could punch that shit more than he did in that moment. If he was alone, he might have even tried. He did heat up though, enough for Dr. Bayer to feel it. She raised an eyebrow.
"Sorry," Alex said quickly.
"Did you mean to do that?" she asked, sounding more curious than upset.
"Kind of?"
"Kind of."
"I was trying to..." Get me to shut it? "Quiet my mind a little. Focus on something other than my... anxiety. But I didn't mean for that something to be my powers. Sorry."
"It's alright, Alexander. That's what we're here to work on. Can I ask what kinds of exercises you use to practice your powers?"
"Um, I used to practice the breathing one. With the candles."
"Controlling the flames with your breath?"
"Yes."
"That's good. How often do you practice?"
"Well, I, um..." Alex scratched his head and looked up at the ceiling. "I haven't done it awhile. Not since I was... ten? Maybe eleven."
"I see," Dr. Bayer said, sounding disappointed but not surprised. "Unfortunately, it's a common habit, young wyverns letting their daily practices fall to the wayside."
"I'm supposed to do it daily?"
"At your age, yes, ideally," she said with a chuckle. "Though I'd settle for at least once a week. The more often we use our powers on purpose, the less likely we are to use them by accident. With some power sets, we need to get creative about how to practice. Luckily yours is straightforward. The candle exercise helps with preventing accidental combustion. You mentioned your body heat is a regular struggle as well?"
"Yeah. Well, the struggle is a little strong. It's not super urgent, you know. It's mostly just embarrassing. It usually happens when I'm embarrassed, and a lot of people know that, so when I heat it, I feel like a bit of an open book. I guess I could accidentally hurt someone with it if I heat too much. That's mostly what I'm worried about."
"Since the candle exercise is more focused on controlling flames, I would recommend practising heating without combusting. Use your hands to... heat a mug maybe. A kettle even. Practice heating the water gradually or keeping it below a certain temperature."
"Okay."
"And then, when you use the candles, you light them with your powers as well?"
"Yes."
"How about extinguishing?"
"I... I don't think I've ever done that." Alex blinked at her. "I can do that?"
"Of course," Dr. Bayer said with a smile.
"Oh." Wow, you're stupid. Alex could practically feel AJ rolling his eyes.
"Give it a try, sometime this weekend. Now, you told Clara that there was an incident on Monday that spurned you to come in."
"Yes. I made something that someone was holding catch on fire."
"Could you give me more details about that?"
"Details?"
"Well, what was the person holding, for starters?"
"Um, it was some money."
"And what happened, leading up to when you burned the money? You don't have to give me any names if you don't want to."
"Well, the boy who was holding the money... He was trying to... intimidate, I guess? Intimidate another student."
"A friend of yours?"
Ha, AJ practically barked out. As if.
"No," Alex just said. "We don't... We don't get along exactly. But he didn't deserve the way he was being treated."
"It made you angry," Dr. Bayer guessed.
"Yes. And I did want to help, but... not like that. I didn't mean to do that."
"Has anger ever triggered combustion for you before?"
"Not that I remember."
"Do you know any emotional states that have?"
"I think... my nanny used to get nervous when I got excited. I think that did it a couple of times. And I remember once in primary school I fell and hurt myself. And the pain made me set some nearby bushes on fire. Same me... when I broke my arm when I was ten. I fell in a fountain and it hurt so much I made the water boil and almost evaporated the whole bottom tier." He hadn't fallen in so much as he was pushed by Laurent, but Dr. Bayer didn't need to know that.
"Hm," Dr. Bayer hummed, picking up a nearby legal pad to jot down some notes. Alex tried to resist the urge to straighten up and read them from a distance. "Would you say you get angry often?"
"Um... no?"
Dr. Bayer raised an eyebrow and smiled. " I'm asking you, Alexander."
I don't know about you, but that's a firm yes from me, chief, AJ said.
We're the same person, Alex pointed out. He was very proud of himself for not saying that out loud.
Ah. So that would be a yes from you too, then.
"Angry... doesn't feel like the right word," Alex decided to say. "I'm not sure what would, though. Agitated? Or... frustrated. Yeah, that feels right."
"Does frustration ever trigger your powers?"
"No."
"Then, what's the difference to you?"
"What?"
"The difference between angry and frustrated. Like, what made the difference on Monday? What about what happened made you angry and not frustrated?"
"I'm... I'm not sure."
"Could you give me an example of a time you recently felt frustrated?"
I could give you twenty, AJ said.
"Um... I guess... Well, my mother asked me to do something. Something I didn't think was the right thing to do. My... my uncle too. I was frustrated because I thought they shouldn't have asked that of me."
"So, you felt you were being treated unfairly," Dr. Bayer said.
"Yeah, I guess."
"And on Monday, it was that someone else was being treated unfairly."
"... Yeah."
"So maybe the difference is that you get frustrated when you feel you've been slighted, but you get angry on behalf of others."
"Okay." How does this help?
"You said you don't get along with the student you felt angry for?"
"No. He... he's, my flatmate. He... he hates me."
"Do you hate him?"
"No." That was the first time Alex had felt confident about his answer to any of Dr. Bayer's questions. "I don't."
"Do you like him?"
"I... I don't know him very well. But I get why he hates me. I want to fix it, but..."
"Do you think that doing what you did on Monday- standing up for him, in a way- made him change his disposition toward you?"
"No. He didn't seem to appreciate it."
"Is that what you were trying to accomplish? Make him like you more?"
"No. I just... I wanted them to leave him alone." Christ this feels like an interrogation. "Sorry, can I ask how you knowing any of this helps?"
"No need to apologize, Alexander," Dr. Bayer said, putting her legal pad aside. "I know it must seem like I'm asking about a lot of irrelevant stuff. But getting a good grasp on your motivations is important. It helps me get a better sense of who you are. And your powers aren't some nebulous forces beyond your control, you know? Your powers are a part of you. They are you. And the best way to keep them under control is for you to just keep being you."
"I... I don't understand."
"I know some people get put off by strangers telling them things about themselves," Dr. Bayer said, leaning forward, "but try to bear with me, okay? From what you've told me, it seems like you connect with people easily. You have a very high capacity for empathy. Not many people would so instinctively want to help someone they think hates them."
"I didn't mean to help, though."
"But you wanted to. So deeply your body acted on the urge without you consciously telling it to. And if connections with people trigger your powers, then your connections with people can keep them in check too. Here's what I want you to try. The next time you perform your candle exercise, before you start using your powers, think of someone in your life that you have a positive relationship with. And think of a memory or two you share with them. It doesn't even have to be a significant memory. Just something pleasant. Something that reminds you of why you care about them. Why do you connect with them? And then while you perform the exercise, keep that memory at the front of your mind. Replay it over and over as you breathe and control the flames. The idea is that the more time you spend purposely associating your powers with peaceful memories, the less inclined your body will be to use them in high-stress situations. Because anger isn't your trigger, I don't think. Your empathy is. And empathy isn't something to suppress. We just need to make sure it doesn't override your senses, you know?"
"I guess," Alex said, though he was still a little confused as to how what she was suggesting was going to help. She must have been able to read that in his tone and elaborated a bit more.
"The biggest mistake wyverns make in learning how to control their powers is suppression," Dr Bayer said. "And I don't just mean the drugs. I know I have a reputation for being against them, though I've seen cases where they were certainly the best course of action. But by suppression, I mean the way we try to suppress our powers' sources. We know we use our powers when we're angry, so we try not to get angry. We use them when we're excited, so we try to remain composed. But our emotions have their place. Anger, even, has its time and place. It's a motivator. The opposite of anger is apathy, after all. Our powers are a part of who we are, and wyverns think that to control them we have to change who we are. But that's not it. We just need to figure ourselves out. Get to know ourselves better, gain insights into our motivations."
She's just saying we all need therapy, AJ said. Isn't she?
"I may still be a little lost," Alex admitted. "But I guess that's why you're the doctor, not me."
Dr. Bayer chuckled again. "I suppose you don't need to understand the theory, so long as we get results, huh? I'll go ahead and schedule you for next week, same day and time. Try the candles paired with the memory, and then we'll see if we can try some slightly more advanced exercises. Alright?"
"Okay. Thank you, Dr. Bayer."
"Of course. And if something else happens in between now and then, come on in. I'll find time to talk it through with you."
"I will."
"Have a good rest of your day, Alexander."
"Thank you. You too."
Alex gathered up his things and let Dr. Bayer walk him out. He exchanged a few more pleasantries with Nurse Clara as he walked past her desk. Once he was out of the building, he let out a slightly irritated sigh.
Can't believe you didn't have the heart to tell her you've not got any peaceful memories, AJ said. Won't you be embarrassed when we come back next week and you admit you couldn't do the homework because you're a sad little boy with a sad little life?
"You know what would be peaceful?" Alex muttered to himself. "One day without me having to hear your bloody commentary."
Hey, I'm just the 'you' that you try to suppress. Didn't you hear the good doctor? That's not healthy. You should get to know me better. Figure out my motivations.
"Fine. What's your motivation?"
I said figure out, not get told the answer.
"You don't know, do you?"
Not a fucking clue, no.