Alex did not have a single goddamned candle.
He looked all over for one in his flat even though he knew he didn't pack any of his things. He thought he might have some luck in the emergency supply kit they put in all the flats, that maybe they would have candles in case of a blackout, but they had only torches and batteries. After an hour of fruitless searching, he went to Jack's to see if he had any, but he must not have been at his flat. At the very least he wasn't answering his knocks.
Warren came down the hall just as Alex was leaving, and noticed the slightly disappointed look on his face. He asked about it and Alex just gave him a vague answer about finding a candle. Warren didn't hesitate before going to Mary's room and coming back with a giant pink one. Even before he handed it off, Alex could practically see the fumes of artificial vanilla wafting off it. Wax wasn't meant to smell like that. Alex had a feeling that as soon as he lit it, he would want to throw up. But beggars can't be choosers, can they?
"You planning a candlelit dinner or something?" Warren asked as he passed it along.
"No," Alex said, trying not to heat up at the mention of something vaguely romantic. "I'm trying to get back into my breathing exercises. I've fallen out of practice."
Warren nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I always forget when I'm at school," he said. "My mom is the one who keeps me on it at home. Has me grow an orange for her every morning. They never taste right to me, though. I think they're better when they're grown the old-fashioned way."
"I haven't practised in almost five years. I pretty much stopped when they stopped making us do it in lessons."
"Good luck, then. I trust you to not burn the place down."
"Thanks."
I wouldn't, AJ said.
Alex went back to his flat with the candle and noticed signs of Matthew having come back in the time he spent talking to Warren. His shoes were lying by the door along with his school blazer in a bundle. He had gotten a new stereo sometime earlier in the week, and music from that LA band was playing from behind his closed door. He had been spending a lot more time at their flat than usual that week. Maybe it was because Baptiste still wasn't doing well. Alex had seen him at their breakfast table on Tuesday, but he didn't look so good. Somehow even more tired than the day before. And he wasn't there at lunch, or any other time during the week. Alex had almost asked Dr. Bayer or Nurse Clara about how he was, but he thought that might be intrusive. Maybe he should ask Jack if he could ask Eloise.
Alex wanted to do the exercise in his room for the extra bit of privacy, but it was a little too cramped for comfort. He always got nervous about lighting fires when there was too much stuff nearby that he might burn. He figured Matthew would probably stay in his room anyway and set himself up in the lounge. He placed the candle on the coffee table and sat cross-legged on the sofa. He closed his eyes to focus on finding a happy memory like Dr. Bayer suggested. Someone he cared about. Someone he connected with. Something peaceful.
The first person he thought of was his father. Easy. He loved him. But a peaceful memory? That was going to be a bit difficult. He had been sick since Alex was six. On the peaceful side of things, there were fewer memories and more fleeting feelings. Being carried on his shoulders. Sounds of him cheering in delight or frustration as he watched a football match on the television. His voice, singing a lullaby in Hindi that Alex could barely remember the melody to.
The spot where his lip had healed over itched, and as Alex reached to scratch it an old memory suddenly shot into his head. Crystal clear and out of nowhere, as if his brain had suddenly popped into a VCR.
Alex was four years old. Utkarsh was carrying him in his arms. They were leaving Alex's bedroom and heading down the hall, towards the main entrance of the manor. Heading that way because they were going somewhere. Alex was wearing orange coveralls and a matching orange bucket hat because he had recently decided orange was his favourite colour. Where were they going, though? Alex couldn't remember.
"Are you excited, beta ?" His father asked as they walked.
"Yes," little Alex said. And he was. He remembered he was immensely excited. But why?
"What animal are you most excited to see?"
"Tigers!" Ah, that's right. They were going to the zoo. Alex was going to start proper schooling soon, and he was getting nervous about it. So, his father promised a day with just the two of them. They were going to spend it in London, at the zoo. Alex had recently found one of his dad's old animal encyclopedias and became fascinated.
"Tigers are very cool."
"They have tigers in India."
"Yes, they do."
"Did the tigers come to England cuz they got married too?"
Alex in the present laughed at himself, along with the memory of his father laughing at him back then. He remembered the feeling of his father's laugh vibrating through his chest. He remembered how it tickled and made him want to laugh too. Even though back then he didn't get what was so funny. He didn't need to. He just laughed.
"I am not sure if tigers get married," Utkarsh said. "And some of them may have moved here from India, but I think some were born right here in London, at the zoo."
"But the en... the kite... encyclopedia said that orange tigers are from India."
"A lot of them are. But some of the ones in the zoo had their family come from India and were born here. Like you."
"I'm related to tigers?"
Utkarsh laughed again, and little Alex giggled in response. He still didn't get what was funny. "No, beta. But your blood is from India, like them."
"I'm like a tiger."
"Yes, exactly."
"The ones at the zoo have never been to India?"
"Some of them, maybe. We can ask the zookeepers."
"I've never been to India."
"No, you haven't," Utkarsh said, his tone turning contemplative. He slowed his pace and paused for a second. "Would you like to?"
"What?"
"Would you like to go to India?"
"To live?"
"... No," Utkarsh said. Alex wasn't sure if he was remembering right, the hesitation in his father's voice. Like he had wanted to say yes. "No, just for a visit. A holiday."
"We could see tigers there too?"
"I do not know about that. We would go to New Delhi, where my family lives. You could meet my siblings and their children. Your cousins."
Little Alex scrunched his nose. "Cousins are mean," he said, his biggest reference at that point being Laurent, Julia, and Sean. Victoria and Patrick were around too, but both were too young to be giving him much trouble. Yet.
"Cousins can be nice," Utkarsh tried to argue.
"Mine aren't."
"Well, maybe your other cousins could be." Present Alex smiled at how his father didn't try to convince him Julia and Laurent weren't mean. "You have a lot. They might surprise you. Your auntie Karishma has a little girl a year older than you. My sister says she asks about you a lot."
"She does?"
"She has been reading a lot of English fairy tale books, and I think she thinks all dragons guard princesses in castles over here."
"I've never met a princess before."
"That is what you can tell her if she asks."
"What if they're mean?"
"I try to expect the best of people. Just treat them the way you want to be treated. Because we cannot control others, yes? We can only control ourselves. Besides, if any of your other cousins are mean to you, you just come find me. I will give them a scare. Okay?"
"You're not scary," Alex said with a giggle.
"Oh, no?" Utkarsh said in a challenging tone. "I am like a tiger too, you know."
"Tigers aren't scary. They're cute."
"Cute? They are ferocious!"
"They look soft. And cuddly. And orange."
"But they also have big, sharp teeth," Utkarsh said, and Alex remembered seeing his smile turn mischievous. "That they use for... biting!" Utkarsh pretended to take a bite out of Alex's cheek, and Alex squealed in delight. All he did was kiss his face, but he made sounds like a growling cat and his beard tickled.
In the present, Alex's throat tightened. God, that had been so long ago. What kind of life might he have had, if his father hadn't gotten sick? If they had more moments like that? If he could call him right now? If he could talk to him about all that's happened and know he understood? If he could tell him about the party and Baptiste and Eloise and Matthew and Malcolm Greene and Samuel Argent?
If Alex could have his father back.
He didn't know if that memory would be useful for his candle exercise. It was a good memory, sure. Peaceful. Happy. But in remembering it Alex tinged it with something else. Sorrow. Grieving. That version of his father was not the father that he had known for the past decade. He would probably never get to be that version of himself again. The closest he had gotten was that day at the pond, and how long had that lasted? Two hours? How much energy had it taken Utkarsh just to do that much?
Alex's lip itched again, and as he scratched it there was some part of his brain tugging him back to the memory. Like it was telling him the film wasn't over; there was still more he needed to see. He let it pull him back in, despite how scared he was that it would just make him feel worse.
Back in the manor's hallway, four-year-old Alex was still laughing as his father's beard tickled his face. Still laughing, his father pulled his face away and stopped walking. He only stopped laughing when he heard quiet sobbing from down the hall. Alex turned his head to see his cousins, Julia and Laurent, sitting on the floor with their backs pressed up against the wall. Laurent had his knees pulled up to his chest, and his head was buried behind them. Julia had her head on his shoulder, and she was the one sobbing. Alex had seen her cry plenty of times before. Usually about silly things. Not getting the right doll at Christmas. Getting mud on her dress at a garden party. Laurent and Sean refuse to sit down at her elaborate tea parties. He had never seen her crying like this. It was pained and severe like she had lost a limb. But physically she looked fine.
"What's wrong, little ones," Utkarsh said, his tone quiet and soothing. Julia didn't act like she had heard him. She just kept sobbing into her brother's shoulder. Laurent raised his head, though. And even from a distance, Alex could see the bruising on his cheek, the corner of his lip swollen. Like he had been hit hard with something heavy. In the present, Alex tensed at the sight of the memory. His lip stung again like it had been newly cut. In the past, Utkarsh sighed, like a sad suspicion had been confirmed.
"Wait here, beta," he said, putting little Alex down on the ground. He listened and waited while his father approached Julia and Laurent. Laurent watched him as he went, his expression never changing. Julia still wasn't looking up. Once he reached them Utkarsh bent himself into a crouching position to be at eye level with them. "Good morning, Julia. Morning Laurent," he said as if nothing was abnormal. "Alexander and I are going to London today. To the zoo. We were going to stay the night in Mr. Farrow's hotel. Would you like to join us?" Neither of them said anything. Laurent kept staring; Julia kept sobbing. "Julia, you like tea parties, right? Mr Farrow's hotel has a lovely tea room. Maybe we could do that tomorrow. Before we come back."
Julia suddenly moved away from her brother and lunged toward Utkarsh. Little Alex was afraid for a moment she would shove his dad the same way she would shove him when she got angry. Instead, she threw her arms around his neck and kept sobbing into his shoulder the same way she had been sobbing into her brother's. Utkarsh put his hands on her back to return the embrace, rubbing them in a circular motion as he spoke some calming words in Hindi. Julia didn't understand their literal meaning, but she did seem to pick up on their intention. Her sobs slowly quieted until she was mostly just hiccupping. Utkarsh looked at Laurent, who was still just staring. His apathy had been replaced by something else, though. Curiosity, maybe.
"Well, Laurent? Would you like to come to London with us? You can pick something for us to do too, if you want."
Laurent didn't respond, and just when Alex was sure he was going to stay like that forever, he spoke. "Do they have... penguins? At the zoo?"
"They do," Utkarsh said with a smile. "Do you like penguins?" Laurent nodded. "They are my favourite. They look very silly when they waddle, but are so graceful when they swim. Come on." Utkarsh took a hand from Julia's back to hold it out to Laurent. "We will go see them."
Laurent looked at Utkarsh's hand before reaching for it. Alex saw it tremble as he did, and Utkarsh gave him a reassuring squeeze. He adjusted Julia in his arms so he could pick her up while still holding Laurent's hand. Once he had hold of both of them, he came back over to Alex.
"Do you think Miss Hardy would be angry if I asked her to join us?" He asked Alex. "I think she may have been looking forward to a quiet couple of days."
Alex shook his head and tried very hard not to look at Laurent's bruised face. His cousin was also doing his best to keep his gaze on the floor now. "She likes penguins and tea parties," Alex said.
They found Pamela fairly quickly, putting away some just-cleaned linens. It didn't take much to explain why their planned father-son outing suddenly had two more children on board. She offered to come along to help before Utkarsh even asked. As he handed her Julia to carry, Alex heard him make a different request.
"If you ever see a Conrad do that to my son," he said, his voice scaring Alex for the first time, "please let me know. I will take care of it."
"Yes, sir," Pamela said, sounding a little scared by him too.
Laurent grabbed Pamela's free hand, and she went ahead with them while Utkarsh picked Alex back up and spoke to him in Hindi. Little Alex understood it perfectly back then. Present Alex needed to take a moment to translate the memory.
" I'm sorry, beta," he said, " I know we planned for this to be just the two of us, but -"
" What happened to Laurent? " Alex asked, not aware enough to put the pieces together at the time.
" He got hurt. So, I invited him, to make him and Julia feel better. Is that okay? Maybe I should have asked you first. I know they are not very nice to you. "
" It's okay. It's like when I hurt my knee, and you took me for ice cream. "
" Yes, I guess it is. "
" He fell? "
" No, he didn't. "
" ... Someone hit him? "
Utkarsh didn't answer, he just put a hand up to Alex's face and brushed some unruly waves of hair to the side. Then he squished Alex's cheek in the same spot he had pretended to bite earlier. Alex giggled and squished his father's cheek back. "I will protect you, beta," he whispered in English. "Always. If anyone ever tries to hurt you, I will stop them. And if I am not around, just come find me. Let me know, okay?"
"Even a tiger?"
Utkarsh chuckled. "Of course. I am a tiger too, remember?"
" Pita is a tiger!" Alex shouted, making his father laugh again. And his laugh always made Alex laugh too. But that time it was cut short when he glanced at Julia still in Pamela's arms. She had looked up from where she buried her head in Pamela's shoulder and was looking at Utkarsh and Alex with a strange expression. Her blue eyes were still tinged red from her tears, and Alex could discern a swirl of emotions in them. They were angry and hurt and sad and jealous all at once.
The memory faded and Alex was firmly in the present, alone in his lounge. He remembered that trip to London so vaguely. He had almost forgotten Julia and Laurent had been there. They had spent most of their time with Pamela. They liked her because she was nicer than their nanny. Now that he was reminded of it, though, he was pretty sure he remembered the tea party. Utkarsh bought Julia a new dress from a fancy shop, and she got her brother to wear a tiara. Laurent had even managed to smile a couple of times, through the bruises that had just gotten darker on his face.
If you ever see one of the Conrads do that to my son, Utkarsh's voice echoed in Alex's head, please let me know. I will take care of it.
Alex brought his hand back to his cheek. The same cheek his father pretended to bite but only ever kissed. He was embarrassed at himself for not putting two and two together back then, but he didn't have the kind of dad who made him think that was something dads could do to kids. Now he knew better. No wonder Thomas hadn't thought twice about hitting Alex. He was the kind of man who had done that- done worse- to his four-year-old son so many times he had gotten used to it.
Alex had noticed more than once how Thomas was slightly tougher on Laurent than Julia. He didn't coddle his daughter; he was just a bit more passive-aggressive towards her. Towards Laurent, he was just aggressive. Verbally, most obviously. Alex should have known the aggression was physical too. Laurent was always jumpy around his father. He didn't like to be alone with him. Alex had seen him called from a classroom to Thomas' office once because he got caught breaking curfew. His already pale skin went stark white, and he visibly shook when he left.
But what could Alex have done? If he had known? He sure as hell wouldn't have stood up to Thomas. Would he have even wanted to? Laurent was a prick, sure, but he didn't deserve that. He was just a kid. And so was Alex. At best he would get laughed at, at worst he would end up with a bruised face of his own. He doubted his mother would have been on his side if he had gone to her. Besides, she had to have already known. Nothing happened in that house without her knowing. She could have stopped him if she wanted to. But she didn't.
Alex always felt lucky that for all her faults, Margaret Conrad never raised a hand to him. Maybe that was a bit sad, him feeling grateful for the bare minimum. He wondered now if that was only the case because of his father. If Utkarsh had made it clear that was the only thing he drew the line at. If he had given her enough of a reason to not turn him into a tiger.
Alex stared at the candle and thought about that moment again. Laurent's apathetic stare, four years old and already desensitized to his father's cruelty. Julia's sobs, as upset as Laurent probably was the first time it happened. Maybe that was the first time she had been made aware of it. The first time she had seen it. Alex wondered how long it took her to get used to it too. If she ever did.
He thought about the way Julia had clung to his father. The jealousy in her eyes when she watched them together. He tried to think of another time he had ever seen jealousy in Julia's eyes. He was pretty sure that was the only one.
Alex let out a shaky breath and stared down the candle wick. He felt a familiar tug in his gut that came when he used his powers on purpose, and the wick snapped on fire. Alex let himself stay in that memory in the manor. But he didn't dwell on the feeling of his father's laugh or his excitement over the zoo. He didn't think of his father's funny growling or the way his beard tickled when he gave him kisses. Instead, he thought of him crouching in front of his cousins. Of him offering to whisk them away to a day of fun without hesitation. Of him soothing Julia's tears and squeezing Laurent's shaky hand.
Alex breathed in, and the candle's flame grew like it gained a bit of fuel. He breathed out and the flame got smaller, for a second looking like it would go out. In and out. Big and small. Over and over. The whole time Alex saw his father and his cousins, and the brief moment when he had to be a better father to them than their own.
Alex watched the flame and wondered if Utkarsh had ever confronted Thomas about that day. He had vague memories of things being tense between the two of them before Utkarsh got sick. And Thomas was a lot more callous than his mother's other siblings whenever he talked about him. Quicker to call him crazy. More insistent that he constantly be sedated. And now that Alex thought about it when his father was lucid and Thomas came up in conversations, he tended to get a bit snappy.
Had Utkarsh tried to fight for his cousins the way he was willing to fight for Alex? Was he a tiger for them, too? Or was the best he could do just combat Thomas's cruelty with gestures of kindness? Was that enough?
Maybe Alex wasn't the only one who lost something when his father got sick. Maybe Laurent and Julia could have grown into different people if they had been able to spend more time with him. If they had more reminders of what a parent should be. Did they even remember that one day? Or did they just think of Utkarsh Joshi as the embarrassing crazy uncle they weren't even related to?
In and out. Big and small. Alex felt more at peace than he thought he would. That tinge of grief was still there, but Alex had been so worried about the pain that came with remembering who his father used to be, that he had almost forgotten who that man was. Fierce. Kind. Protective. Caring. Empathetic.
He still is, AJ said, throwing Alex off with how sincere he sounded. He had gotten so used to his little voice being nothing but snarky. He's just forgotten too.
Alex clenched his fist as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. The flame on the candle shook like a hearty wind blew through the room. It shook and then grew and grew, and Alex lunged forward to put it out by squeezing the wick. He didn't remember until after it was out that Dr. Bayer had told him to extinguish the candles with his powers too. He had never done that before. He so rarely set fires in the first place. He would have to remember that next time.
Alex got up to open a window and get rid of some of the artificial sweets smell. He should have thought of that before he lit it. As he was tying back a curtain so it wouldn't flap in the breeze, he heard Matthew's voice.
"What the hell is that smell?"
Alex turned around to see Matthew standing in the hallway with a pinched expression. He zeroed in on the candle pretty quickly.
"Sorry," Alex said quickly, tripping over himself to grab the candle. As if that would magically make the smell go away. "I was... doing my practice. For my powers. I didn't have any unscented ones. Sorry."
Matthew looked at the candle instead of Alex for a few seconds before walking back down the hallway. Alex heard the creaking of his bedroom door and figured that was all he was going to see of him that evening. It was more than he had seen all week. Outside of their forced interactions in their classes, at least. Alex was about to go return the candle to Warren when he heard Matthew's footsteps again. Alex paused and watched him walk out of the hallway with a tall candle. When he got closer, he saw it was one of those prayer candles. The kind with intricate paintings of Catholic figures Alex always recognized but could never name. Matthew wordlessly put it down on the coffee table before turning to go back to his room.
"Oh," Alex said when he realized Matthew was giving it to him. "Um, thank you."
"It's probably in my best interest," Matthew said without stopping or turning around, "if you get your practice in. So that you don't almost burn my face off again."
Alex winced and felt another 'I'm sorry' crawling out of his throat, but Matthew was gone. Alex walked over to the candle and picked it up. A woman draped in green with her hands together in prayer was surrounded by a border of flowers and ribbons coloured like the Mexican flag. A golden banner at her feet read 'Virgen de Guadalupe'. Sure enough, it just smelled like candle wax.
Wonder what the rules are for these things, AJ wondered. Do you go to hell for lighting it if you're not Catholic or don't say a genuine prayer?
"Good thing I'm fireproof, then," Alex answered, gingerly putting it back on the table as if it were something delicate.
Don't think too much about why he gave it to you. He just doesn't want you to make the whole flat smell like unicorn vomit.
"Yeah, that's probably it," Alex agreed. He left to give the scented candle back to Warren and overthink while La Virgen's face flashed behind his eyes every five seconds.