As if returning from a trance I woke up and immediately found myself face to face with Gabriel. It was impossible to describe his expression at that moment.
"Do you understand now why I hate her?" Gabriel asked in a cutting voice and appeared in front of me as I took my hand away from the mirror. I knew I had really done all that. And of course I was ashamed. But it seemed so far removed from my reality now. I was no longer that person who committed the atrocities in that world.
"But I regretted it! Doesn't that count? I did what I could to redeem myself and still had to live unhappy and lonely..."
Gabriel gave a sarcastic laugh interrupting my apology.
"You lived unhappy and single by your own decision. Lived unhappy and lonely around employees who missed brushing their teeth. You lived a good life. A life of luxury, with no problems troubling you. So, no Liza! It wasn't enough. You should have listened to my pleas. I felt like crap. Worthless. Incapable. Forced to watch men harm a poor innocent woman because of my incorruptible character and I could do nothing... And you turned a deaf ear to my pleas... You ruined everything! We could both have been happy in that world! My intention was to leave my fiancée and go live with you. I just couldn't tell you at that moment because I was afraid you would kill them all. I didn't know I would do much worse, but you..."
"Why punish me anymore? You left with her, while I... I've already paid for my mistakes. As much as I believe I had no problems my heart was broken. Both for losing you and for what I put the poor girl through. And it haunted me every time I put my head on my pillow."
"No! You didn't! The suffering you cause another person, are not like written words that a simple eraser can erase. But you slept and had good dreams, even if at first you remembered what you had done, right? Do you think I was happy? You are not aware of the proportion that caused your actions! I loved you... And I didn't stop loving you as long as I lived..."
"Then why didn't you come to me? We could have been happy and spared each other suffering."
"I couldn't leave Lucia. Every time I looked at her I remembered what you did and I hated you even though I loved you too. I raised a child that was not mine, but one of the sailors who abused her.... And every time I looked at that child I saw many hateful faces, and you behind them all..."
That revelation frightened and distressed me.
"I never touched my wife. She was traumatized. My life was hell... After a few years I threw myself off the tower of the castle where I lived and taking my life I ascended to the warm sky.... There was a new chance and I accepted it promising it would be different, but... See for yourself how many times you have forced me down into the hot sky. You have always been cruel and if it is a part of me it is the worst of them. I wish I had never met you, but it was never possible. Our meetings were necessary to get us right, but you never allowed it to work out. Always selfish and insensitive, always refusing to give in and resign. I was even curious to know what your life would be like without me to take away the peace, to destroy... What it would be like to see you in the hot sky looking for me and not finding me.... But I didn't have that pleasure. You didn't stay there long enough to recognize me. This time you didn't come down as I so desired. Unfortunately. Maybe something in me was waking up the worst of you."
"It can't have been like that..."
"Then close your eyes Liza because your memories are not over yet. Then you will agree with me that you have had many lives and in almost all of them you existed to destroy me. Turn your hand to the mirror." He said indicating with his chin for me to turn around and walked out of the way.
I obeyed.
I was now a rich farmer. Mistress of many goods and many slaves. From the time when slaves were treated as animals and believed to have the blood of dogs and the soul of monkeys. But in a different world. He understood the arrangements of things as normal, but not for those who were not born there.
I walked through a fair looking for more "pieces" for my farm, stopping occasionally and opening their mouths to examine their teeth, just as one does when one wants to buy a good young horse. Meanwhile, a slave was silently accompanying me, holding an umbrella to prevent the sun from burning my face. Her face was one of resignation, and I knew that deep down she abhorred and hated me. His secret feelings were nothing new to me. All the slaves on my farm hated me. This was to be expected, as I was very vicious to them and showed no compassion or even bothered to think that they were also suffering and even if I knew it for someone else I wouldn't care. I punished them for the simple pleasure of hearing them cry out for mercy. I took out on them the anger I felt toward the world. And I was praised by my neighbors for not having problems with escapes. What they didn't know and never imagined was why. Yes, there was a one-time unsuccessful escape attempt. The escapees were recovered. As soon as they returned, I ordered their hands to be cut off and given to the dogs in front of all the other slaves who became fearful and never again insisted in their desperate search for freedom. There were two runaways. One could not resist the amputation of his hands and before the second hand was severed, he was already dead. The other resisted, but I had him burned alive to serve as an example to the others. I have never forgotten that night, because the slaves started hymns so sad that although I didn't understand the language, my eyes filled with tears. After all, the two slaves had achieved their longed-for freedom, even if through death. And that day, I began to hate them even more, because I understood that they were freer than I was. I was stuck in an arranged marriage forever. Poor devils! They were happy and they didn't know it. And every time I saw red hair, I remembered my husband with the slave girls, having fun. They liked to lie with him. That's why I hated them. But I understood that I was in a world where fire-colored hair was rare. And there, all the slaves had red hair, as if it was some kind of sign that they were not free people.
That day when I walked through the fair I was looking for a good-looking slave to serve me in bed. My husband left a lot to be desired since for his needs and orgies he lay with the slaves from the stalls around the farm that was to be the home for those people. At that time I believed that straight ladies should not feel sexual pleasure. I didn't feel this pleasure either and I didn't know it with my husband. I got to know what climax was with a slave. Ah! How pleasurable it was to feel him inside me... He possessed me with rage and hatred. Yes, he hated me, and trying to cause me pain while we loved each other gave me more pleasure... But, I was forced to kill him because he dared to tell of our "moments" to his friends. I heard about it from my foreman, who overheard the conversation and was eager to get a reward, and came to tell me. This slave that I lay with happened to be the husband of the woman who now prevented the sun from burning my face. I could understand his anger and pain. That was an unusual and rare man. And I took him from her. I liked to feel this way. Above the law and forcing people who hated me to serve me. Of course, I had to hire two free girls from poor families to watch that the food was not being made with poor hygiene or even with some herb that if consumed daily would lead to my death. I was not an idiot. The two free girls loved me, because I always gave them expensive dresses when I had something made for them. And besides, they had their payment for their service and ate with me at the table, which was a way to know if they were really watching the slaves' conduct. I didn't even trust my own shadow. This made me repulsive and constantly angry.
It gave me even more pleasure that slave hiding me from the sun, because I knew that those slaves thought I didn't know how much they laughed behind my back because my husband sought and preferred their company in his bed. It was a way to get back at my husband and them, since my disgusting husband would not allow me to touch them.
And it was in search of this object of pleasure that I found myself with him. He was the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. I regretted that he was not a "piece" so that I could buy him. He was strong and muscular. His hair was as black as night. His arrogant air and his expensive suit made anyone who looked at him think he was a successful man. His face was now stern, but his expression softened into a smile when a boy ran up to him, hugging him and calling him "Dad.
I was distressed. And haunted to feel this way. He was just a stranger, as handsome as he was, but my eyes and thoughts stopped on him. He was probably married. Which already disappointed me. And I would never have a chance to have him. It was terrifying! How could I find a man there who could equal him in beauty and exuded as much virility as he did? My search was over. It no longer made sense to stand there staring at a man who didn't even notice me and didn't even know I existed. I felt for him what I should have felt for my husband! What absurd sentimentality! I forced myself to go back to my duties. I finished checking the pieces and finding nothing pleasing to the eye after the sight of that beautiful man, I climbed into the carriage that would take me back to the farm. On the way I decided to make a stop at the church to go to confession. It was pure hypocrisy, for I didn't believe in God and much less that I sinned. I said a few lying words to the priest, wondering what he would do if I simply said: "Look, Father, I am an adulteress, so what? My husband is too, and I don't see anyone throwing stones at him. On the contrary. They envy him for getting along so well with his slaves. And one more thing... If hell exists, I'd like to see you burn in it! But the hypocritical society prevented me from doing so. So I knelt down and pretended to be the most faithful of their catechists.
When I arrived home the slaves were euphoric, but they didn't dare to speak to me without my consent first. And without needing to be told anything, I intuited that we had a visitor. I rehearsed a false smile to enter the large drawing room. I hated visitors. I didn't do them, and I didn't like to receive them. Generally husbands were less tedious than their ladies, but it would be discourteous if I paid attention to the husband of the lady present and ignored her companion even though I always wanted to do so.
As soon as I entered the room my husband stood up along with the visitor. I looked disgusted at Piter, my husband. He was so fat, old and unattractive. I hated my father for giving me to him in marriage. And to take revenge I didn't give them both what they wanted most, an heir. I discovered an herb with the slaves that prevented me from getting pregnant. But I supposed that he had children among the slaves and that he knew this, because he paid more attention to some of those boys, and even considered taking one of them to live with us in the big house. I refused, of course. As the law was severe with men who had children out of wedlock, he resigned himself, but I never stopped noticing the resemblance between the boy and my husband. I didn't hate the child. It did me good, being able to treat him like the slaves and seeing the agony in my husband's eyes.
"I'm glad you're here, dear! My cousin has come a long way and is going to spend some time with us."
Just then I looked at the visitor and had a pleasant surprise. My husband's cousin was the same man I had admired at the fair. Without hesitation and very happily I offered him my hand. He held it and reverently kissed it, while staring at me in admiration.
"Delighted, ma'am."
"He will be our host, along with his lady." Piter warned breaking the charm, and only then did I look at the woman accompanying him. She had black eyes and hair and a rare beauty. She was sitting down and seemed very shy. Although beautiful, she was very dim. She was with the little boy that I saw running into his father's arms.
"Nice to meet you, ma'am. I hope you enjoy your stay here at the farm." I was forced to say as I sat down and was accompanied by the men.
As we talked I couldn't take my eyes off him. His name was Andrew and his wife Mary. I realized with great satisfaction that he also found it difficult to stop looking at me.
At the dinner table the mood was festive. While my husband was getting drunk, Andrew kept telling us about his travels. I envied the woman who was his wife. They must have had great adventures traveling all over the country. I even questioned her about this life and she responded vaguely. It was as if she didn't approve and dreamed of a less hectic life. I thought she was an idiot. While I was chatting pleasantries, she expressed the desire to leave, complaining of fatigue from the long trip. I called a slave and ordered her to help me get settled in the guest room. As soon as she left, Piter, already very drunk, broke the rules of etiquette and also left, leaving me alone with his cousin. I was surprised and began to believe in fate at that moment. It was everything I wanted most. To be left alone with this wonderful man.
"Your husband is a lucky man." Andrew commented after a long and uncomfortable silence.
"Yes. His father left him many possessions as an inheritance."
"But that's not his greatest treasure."
I could tell he was quipping and I was flattered and happy.
"So tell me sir, what is the greatest treasure he has?"
"You don't know? Has he never revealed it to you?"
"You're making me curious..."
"I think I should leave or I run the risk of being inconvenienced." He said already getting to his feet.
"It's not very polite to leave a curious lady alone at the table." I warned him as I took a quiet sip of wine, for I knew he would not be leaving just yet.
"Perhaps it would be more impolite and inconvenient if I stayed and answered you."
"I believe I already know the answer, but I would like to hear it from your lips."
"Madam, we are married and should act as such."
"It disappoints me to hear you talk like that, Andrew." I called him by name so that he would realize that I was not a woman bound to follow etiquette.
"Why?"
"It makes me believe you are just another hypocrite. Everyone around me tells lies all the time. They say they respect marriage, but they lie with their slaves. They go to masses and pay their tithes and then go to their homes, where they assault their wives, use them and then turn around thinking to themselves that they are a good man. Even though they indulge in orgies and wine with their slave girls."
He sat back down.
"And what makes you think I ever acted like that?"
"You are a man, sir."
"That's a weak argument. Before I am a man, I am a human being. And I am not a hypocrite. I never go to mass, I don't pay tithes, I don't beat my wife, I don't indulge in orgies and drunkenness. I am very sorry that your husband and the men you have known do that."
"So you wouldn't condemn me if you said I desire it?"
"I wouldn't dare condemn you, but I would ask you not to repeat those words."
"As I said before, you are a hypocrite."
"Explain yourself, please."
"I know you want me too, but you deny yourself because of society. You've denied everything you've said before except that you lie with slaves. Tell me, what is the difference in lying with a lady?"
His eyes glittered in anger.
"You are very clever and very impertinent, lady. But know that my principles have nothing to do with society. How could I betray a cousin who sheltered me in his home right under his nose? And I think that so I don't need to tell you that that is the difference between a lady and a slave, availability and convenience."
"If it hurts your scruples to lie with me under this roof, I must inform you that we have a barn here that comes close to being pleasant..."
Before I finished speaking he stood up and yanked me out of the chair. He got close so fast that I was startled.
"If that's what you want.... Ma'am!"
And he kissed me. We embraced as if we had been a long time away from each other and in that embrace we could erase the years of absence. A very strong attraction united us. And in a silent agreement, we walked out into the open and reached the barn. And it was there, in the middle of the hay, that we loved each other for the first time. Satiated and in full satisfaction of being in each other's arms, we didn't even notice that in the shadows someone was spying on us.
And these moments started to repeat themselves every day. Piter didn't suspect a thing, attributing our constant friendship to our common age, but Andrew's wife furtively gave me spiteful looks, like those she saw in my slave girls. But I believed she was only indignant that Andrew spent more time with me than with her. I could never have imagined that every time we went out to the barn she would follow us and shed her tears in her room without ever complaining to her husband, while we loved each other, unaware of her presence.
When at last Andrew announced his departure, because his wife did not do well in that environment, I despaired. I didn't want to part with him. It hurt just to think about it. I tried hard to persuade him to run away with me, but he was adamant. He even regretted it. He said that his wife did not deserve to give his heart to another woman. She was young and beautiful like me. He also said that he could not abandon her because he had no relatives, only him in life. He said that he loved her and his son, and that he couldn't imagine a life away from either of them.
So I tried to convince his wife to stay with us longer. I offered her jewelry and money, but I saw in her eyes that her real motive was to separate Andrew from me. So she knew! That's why the indignant looks she gave me every time she looked at me. After all, I should have thought of this before. There was no better environment than on a farm.
Hatred covered my heart and I began to plot against Mary. If that woman was what separated me from Andrew, I would end her.
The day before the farewell, as soon as Andrew left with Piter as he did every morning, I called the slaves together and ordered them to prepare the carriage and wait for me later on the top of the mountain. I called Mary for a ride, which she accepted after a brief resistance and took her son along.
I took the carriage to the cliff and climbed down claiming that I needed to go to the bathroom. If she realized that there was no place for a lady to defecate, she said nothing. And with the help of the slaves I sent there, I pushed the carriage into the abyss, carrying mother and child. But with one hand, Mary held a log, and with the other her son. Both were crying in despair and screaming, begging me to help them. For a few minutes I watched this bizarre scene and the wailing of the child and the despair of the mother touched me deeply and at that moment it became more important to save him than to have Andrew all to myself. But my decision came too late. As soon as I bent down to reach her and pull her up, her hand slipped and they fell into the abyss.
As I thought about how I would live with that memory, I turned around and saw Andrew. He was all sweaty. I imagined that as soon as he heard about our walk he became suspicious and ran to try to catch up with us. His eyes were like a mirror of the hatred that shone in his whole being. Tears welled up and ran down his face. I tried to approach cautiously. I didn't know how far he had seen. But he grabbed me by the shoulders.
"What have you done? Why? Damn the day I met you! How could you?" He said screaming and before I could say anything he pushed me to the ground and ran off. His screams were heard all over the farm. Contrary to what I imagined, he didn't rat me out, but I never heard from him again and took that secret to my grave. And in those days I discovered that, when I confessed, it was not the church that was hypocritical, but the people who attended it. I was among them.
Again I came back from the trance. And I could not see Gabriel's expression as I removed my hand from the mirror and turned back to look for him, for he was looking elsewhere, but I could feel that these memories were as painful for him as they were for me.
"Forgive me Gabriel..." The tears were coming down like a waterfall down my face and I didn't know what to say about that cruel act I had committed.
He turned and stared at me with an icy stare.
"Do you know who the man you destroyed was?"
"Of course I know...it was you. I can recognize you no matter what body you are inhabiting..."
"Then you know I can't forgive you.... Do you forgive yourself?"
"But that happened in another life. I am someone else now. I would never do that again. I don't know how I could have been so wicked..."
"You're wrong! Your essence is the same. If you close your eyes you will see that you have always been a wicked, bad creature. She always did the same cruel deeds and nothing stopped her. She would suffer for decades in the hot sky and then say she was sorry and wanted to come back to repair the evil she had done. She always had a new chance. And how did she use it? While I always had to come back to finish my mission that was always interrupted because of you. I even asked that we should never meet again, but I was denied because I was part of his redemption. This was the first time we met here in the Colony. We have always been around torment and you have always been the cause! I committed suicide again because of your act. I don't even remember how long I stayed in the hot sky that time. I knew I was to blame for that too, because deep down I should have told you my plans and then I would have avoided that tragedy. I would return alone. I would leave you at our home and come back to stay with you and bring my son. And I would visit Mary from time to time. You proved to me that I couldn't be happy with her and she couldn't be happy with me.
"But why did we have to meet if you were always my motive for doing so many cruelties?"
"No! I was no motive for you to mistreat slaves, kill people, and abuse the power you always had in your hands. I was just a play for you to justify your mistakes. Your mission was to learn to love your neighbor, but you never succeeded, because your essence is one of pure selfishness!"
"I'm sorry for everything I did. If I could go back I would do everything differently, because I realized that every time I committed a bad act I regretted it even though sometimes pride would not allow me to go back. Take into consideration that in my last life on earth I would be incapable of doing any of these atrocities."
"Is that so? Your last stay in life was at a time when laws are stricter. That may have inhibited your essence from acting freely."
"Even in those times one commits atrocious acts and manages to get away with it. If it were in my nature the law would certainly not stop me, because I would certainly find a way. And yet I have done nothing shameful and I assure you I would do nothing."
"How can you be so sure? Why is it that I don't believe you have changed? Remember that in that last life I was not present.... Who knows what might have happened if I had been there? Your record speaks against you.
"I wouldn't do what I did on other worlds!"
"We will still know.... Now you must continue, for you still have some worlds to see that you haven't remembered."
"But you said there were only four, so there would only be two more to go.... And the last life is still very much alive in my memories."
"No, Liza. It wasn't just four. But well over four thousand. But we can't go too far into the memories. There are rules against that. But I can take you to at least two or three more. How about taking a look?"
Not wanting to argue I looked at the mirror and touched it again and the memories continued.