Chereads / What if Naruto was Kage Level power / Chapter 4 - Chapter 4: Real Ninja Don't Fight: Real Ninja Just Win

Chapter 4 - Chapter 4: Real Ninja Don't Fight: Real Ninja Just Win

"Okay, kiddies," said Kakashi, "Zabuza will be back in a week or two, and this time he'll most likely have an ally. We're going to do some training."

Team 7 found a nice secluded spot in the forest near Tazuna's house.

With a dramatic flourish, Kakashi announced, "I'm going to teach you how to climb trees."

"But sensei," objected Sakura, "We can already climb trees. Even Naruto can climb trees."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, but ignored the last statement. "Ah, but can you do it like this?"

He walked up the side of a tree on his feet, treating the vertical surface as if it were horizontal. He reached a thick branch and stood upside-down on the underside of the branch.

"Wow," said Sakura.

"Hn," said Sasuke.

"Boring," said Naruto. "My way is better."

"Well," Kakashi interrupted before Sasuke could comment, "why don't you show us, Naruto?"

Sticking his hands in his pockets, Naruto jumped on the side of a tree, twisting his body so that he faced the ground. Still keeping his hands in his pockets, he moonwalked up the tree. "See? Much cooler."

"Hmm," said Kakashi. He somersaulted back to the ground, landing lightly. Then he copied Naruto, moonwalking up the tree. "It's a bit more difficult, but I can do it too. And I look cooler doing it than you do."

Sakura nodded enthusiastically. She definitely thought Kakashi looked cooler.

Naruto cartwheeled gracefully back to the ground.

Kakashi cartwheeled gracefully back to the ground.

"Copycat," pouted Naruto.

"Copy-nin," stated Kakashi. "Alright, Sakura, Sasuke, start by going forwards. Best to start with a bit of a run. Use a kunai to mark your progress. The way this works is, you send some chakra to the bottoms of your feet to stick to the tree."

"Kakashi-sensei?" asked Naruto, "Since I already know this exercise, can I go work on something else?"

"Sure," said Kakashi, "Just be back at Tazuna's house in time for dinner."

Naruto walked off to the sounds of "Hey! This is easy!" from Sakura and an intensely jealous "Hn" from Sasuke.

– CS –

When he was completely out of sight, Naruto's chakra pulsed, and a group of animals appeared out of nothing. Squirrels, chipmunks, field mice, sparrows, finches, and crows scampered, ran and flew in all directions. Several of the transformed shadow clones headed straight for the former Daimyo's mansion, while others began a search pattern that would give Naruto a thorough survey of the island of Wave within hours.

Naruto himself used the Transformation Jutsu to turn into an ordinary middle-aged civilian and started walking through the main town to get a feel for the place. There was no way he was going to do any real training out in the open where someone could see him.

– CS –

That evening, Team 7 met in Tazuna's house. Sakura looked completely worn out, having been told she needed to keep practicing until she could walk backwards all the way up and down the tree ten times without stopping. Sasuke looked extremely annoyed to the point that he wanted to smash something with his fist. Kakashi looked amused, though whether that was because of his students' behavior or because of his choice of reading, no one could tell. Naruto looked satisfied.

"Fruitful day, Naruto?" asked Kakashi.

"Yeah," answered Naruto. "Got a lot done."

"Oh? What did you work on?" Kakashi was curious about what stage Naruto's training was at.

"This and that." Naruto deflected.

"Mmm." Apparently Kakashi was even more curious to see what was on the next page of his book.

At this point, Tazuna's grandson Inari interrupted. "Why do you work so hard? It's not like it's gonna be any use."

"What do you mean?" asked Naruto.

"Gato's too strong. You're all going to die anyway, what's the point in trying?"

"And what makes you think we're not stronger than Gato?"

"Gato's got hundreds of men! He'll just have you killed if you get in his way."

"Hmm, I see. Well, Inari, right?" Naruto reached into a pocket and pulled out a small scroll.

Instead of answering the question, Inari just glared. Naruto unsealed something from the scroll. It was a smooth mahogany cane with a fancy gold handle and a large ruby set in the top.

"Inari, do you know what this is?"

"A walking stick? What does that have to do with anything?"

"It's not a walking stick, it's a cane. A pimp cane. More specifically, this is Gato's pimp cane." Naruto handed the cane to the five-year-old boy.

Tazuna and Tsunami's eyes widened. Inari examined the cane.

"You see," explained Naruto, "I stole this cane from Gato while he was holding it, leaning on it in fact. I replaced it with a fake, and he didn't even notice. He still hasn't noticed. And that's not all. The fake I gave him is special: it's a spy cane. It'll let me know everything that Gato says, hears, and does until the cane is lost or broken."

Tazuna, Tsunami, Sasuke and Sakura were gaping by now. Kakashi was probably gaping too, but no one could tell because of his mask.

Inari was stubborn, though. "So? How's that gonna help? It's not like the cane makes you stronger than Gato."

"Ah, but that's the trick. Real ninja don't fight. Real ninja just win. We don't need to be stronger than Gato and all his men to beat him. Now here's the good part. Kakashi sensei, I'd like to propose a plan."

"Go ahead."

"Tonight, when my 'spy cane' tells me that Gato is asleep and his base is quiet for the night, we sneak in and release sleeping gas into the ventilation system. When everyone is good and knocked out, we just walk in and collect all the weapons belonging to his thugs. We steal all of Gato's cash, which he has a lot of, because his illegal activities mostly generate cash. We hand out all the weapons and most of the money to the villagers. We take a couple of money bags and plant them in the house where Zabuza and his friend are staying. When Gato wakes up and discovers he's been robbed, the first thing he'll do is run to the ninja he hired. And Zabuza and his friend will either get caught and have to fight Gato, or they'll wake up first, find the money, figure out what's going on, and abandon Gato. Either way, we win. And I don't think the thugs will be quite so tough when they're facing their own weapons in the hands of the angry villagers."

"And what if Zabuza's friend catches us sneaking into their house?" asked Kakashi.

"I've already got a shadow clone transformed into a bug hiding under Zabuza's bed. Pretty certain I can release a sleeping gas without anyone noticing. They have a few traps, but they should be easy to get around without anyone monitoring them."

"Alright, Naruto, we'll go with your plan. We'll head out an hour after sunset."

"So, Inari, still think it's useless to go against Gato?"

Inari's shook his head. "Can I come?"

Naruto chuckled. "Sorry kid, there's a chance that some of the thugs will be out on patrol or something and won't get caught by the sleeping gas. We're ninja, we can easily handle a couple of thugs, but it's not so easy to fight and protect you at the same time. That reminds me, actually, most of us should Henge into Zabuza, and one of us should Henge into his friend, so if we are seen, we can pin the blame on them. We already know Zabuza likes using clones, so it won't be out of character if three Zabuza's show up."

– CS –

The next morning, Gato was sleeping fitfully when one of his underlings rushed into his bedroom shouting, "Boss! Boss! Wake up! We've been robbed!"

The midget gangster/buisnessman woke up feeling rather chilly. He rolled over, wondering where his comfy blanket had gone, rubbed his eyes, and growled, "What is it, Zori?"

Then he blinked. "What the hell! Zori, why are you in your skivvies?"

"We've been robbed, boss! EVERYONE is in their skivvies! Including you! All our weapons are gone! And the storeroom's been broken into, the money's gone!"

That got Gato's attention. "WHAT?!" he roared. He jumped out of bed, absently noting that he was, indeed, wearing only his boxers and an undershirt, instead of the silk pajamas he had put on last night, and his bed-covers were indeed missing. He rushed out of the room faster than you could imagine, only stopping to collect his trusty pimp cane on the way in case he had to beat some of his stupider employees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! MY MONEYYYYY! ALL MY PRECIOUS RYO! AND MY BELOVED AMERICAN GIRL DOLL COLLECTION!" Gato fell to his knees and beat his fists on the ground of the empty storeroom.

All of the thugs within earshot sweatdropped. American? Doll collection? Maybe he meant those freaky plastic Barbie dolls that had made their way from outside the Elemental Countries? Let it be noted that there wasn't a single woman among Gato's employees, and none of the men had daughters, so it was unlikely that any of them knew anything about dolls.

"Uh… Boss?"

"What is it, Waraji? And put on a shirt! You're wearing even less than the rest of my minions!" Waraji, a big muscular man with tattoos, never wore a shirt – he didn't even own one. Ironically, he looked less uncomfortable with his current attire than most of the other thugs did.

"Boss, should we call the police?"

Gato looked at Waraji strangely. Zori slapped Waraji on the back of the head. "Idiot! We killed the police, remember?"

"Oh, right."

Another mercenary had something to say. "Boss, some of the patrols said they were knocked out by those ninja you hired. Zabuza and his little friend. Haku, I think."

Gato's face turned red. Steam poured out of his ears. He roared, "I'M GONNA KILL THOSE DAMN THIEVING BASTARDS! FOLLOW ME!" Raising his pimp cane, Gato rushed towards the house Zabuza and Haku had commandeered. On the waterfront. On the other side of town. Barefoot. In his skivvies.

The villagers peeked out their windows to watch a fuming Gato lead his entire collection of half-naked, unarmed thugs through the middle of town at a speed that was sprinting for Gato's short legs and a half-jog for most of his followers. Gato didn't notice the camera flashes, but some of his men did, and cringed.

Haku woke up to the sound of almost a hundred bare feet slapping the ground as Gato and his thugs rushed towards their house. Looking out the window, Haku saw the angry faces and quickly used chakra to pull some water from the nearby ocean and form two ice swords. The androgynous ninja stood in front of the bed where Zabuza lay, still paralyzed, as Gato burst through the door waving his cane.

"YOU!" screamed the midget. "YOU STOLE MY MONEY!"

"You've cracked," stated Zabuza, who was awake but still paralyzed.

"We haven't been in your mansion since last week," said Haku.

"DON'T LIE! YOU WERE SEEN!"

"Uh… Boss?"

"WHAT IS IT, WARAJI?!"

Waraji pointed at a couple of green sacks with ryo signs pasted on them.

"AHA! PROOF! MEN, KILL...urk!"

Haku struck.

In the space of a heartbeat, Gato and the three thugs who had made it through the door were dead. In the next heartbeat, Haku threw one ice sword into the bathroom where it sliced off the sink faucet, sending a spray of water into the air. Two more heartbeats and Haku had finished a set of hand-seals, shooting a barrage of ice senbon, taking down the men who were trying to enter the room and spraying the defenseless mercenaries outside with the knitting-needle sized weapons.

Then the villagers attacked. Headed by Inari and Tsunami, with Team 7 disguised as civilians, a mob armed with all manner of swords, rakes, shovels, and even pots and pans descended on Gato's already cringing army.

One of the thugs saw fit to state, "Hell, man. I ain't stickin' around here no more." He turned and fled for the docks, the rest of Gato's half-naked former employees on his heels, all chased by the angry mob.

– CS –

Once Gato's remaining men had fled the country on a few of the dead man's ships, Team 7 returned to Tazuna's house.

Kakashi pulled out his orange book, leaned against a wall, and started reading.

Naruto disappeared upstairs.

Inari shouted, "That was AWESOME! Hey Naruto, whatcha doin'?" and followed Naruto upstairs.

Tsunami smiled, went into the kitchen and started preparing breakfast.

Sasuke said, "Hn," and sat down at the dining room table to wait for breakfast.

Tazuna followed suit, without the "Hn."

Sakura couldn't take it. She shouted, "Why is everyone so CALM! We just, I don't know, destroyed Gato and his entire army like it was NOTHING! And we're just sitting down to eat breakfast like it didn't happen?"

Tazuna chuckled, "Well, it was a really super plan Naruto came up with. And I guess he did some really super sneaking yesterday. He's quite a super ninja, isn't he?"

Sakura took a deep breath and thought for a minute. "I guess. It's just strange, Naruto has always been this stupid idiot. He's the dead last of our class, you know. It's surprising that he was the one to come up with this."

"And," Sakura continued, "he spent all of yesterday spying on Gato and Zabuza. I thought he was training. And then there's that Shadow Clone technique, where did he learn that? It definitely wasn't in the Academy! And what's he doing now, hiding from us?"

"Sasuke," she turned to her remaining teammate, "has Naruto always been this mysterious?"

"Hn." Sasuke shrugged, drawing out the grunt in a way that meant, "I dunno".

– CS –

"Naruto," said Sasuke, "Fight me."

It was the day after the victory over Gato, and Sasuke had finally finished mastering the tree-walking exercise. Naturally, once he mastered it, he proved that he had far more chakra than Sakura, and could walk up and down a tree thirty times without stopping, while Sakura could barely manage ten.

While Team 7 had, in practice, completed the mission to protect Tazuna by removing the threat to his life, they were still contracted to provide bodyguard services until the bridge was finished. So they had to stick around for another two weeks or so. Strangely, a huge bridge like this would only take a total of one and a half months to build. Tazuna had heard tales of a bridge in a far-off place across the ocean called San Francisco, where they had built a bridge – not much longer than the Wave one – that took them an entire four years to complete. He couldn't explain why there was such a huge difference in building speed. It's not like they were using chakra powers to build the Wave bridge. He'd met one sea captain who blamed it on "unions", but Tazuna couldn't imagine what pipe fittings had to do with a bridge, nor why they inspired such disgust in the sea captain.

In any case, Team 7 had to stick around. They took turns standing watch at the bridge while Tazuna was there, and today Kakashi assigned Sakura to guard duty. Which meant Sasuke and Naruto were free for training… or sparring.

"Why do you wanna fight me?" asked Naruto.

Sasuke almost lost his temper. "So we can see who's stronger!"

"Oooooh," said Naruto. "You want to spar. It's very different from a fight."

"Tch. Whatever. You coming?"

"What's in it for me?"

"What?" Sasuke gaped. He thought Naruto would jump at the chance to test his strength.

"I said, what's in it for me? Why would I want to spar with you?"

Sasuke thought a bit. "Practice," he declared. "You can practice getting your butt whooped."

Naruto snorted. "I'm good, thanks."

Kakashi, however, had different ideas. "Naruto, it'll be good for teamwork. If you spar with each other you'll learn about each others' fighting styles, so you can coordinate better in a real fight."

Naruto pouted. "Fine. Sensei, will you judge?"

"Someone has to drag you two back here when you get knocked out."

"Okay!" chirped Naruto, suddenly cheerful. "Same place where you learned tree-walking! See ya there!" He dashed out the door.

Five minutes later Sasuke and Kakashi arrived to find Naruto lying in a hammock slung in the center of the clearing, attached to two trees with rope. Kakashi stopped at the edge of the clearing.

"Naruto," growled Sasuke, stomping towards the hammock, "We're supposed to fight, not sleep!"

FWOOSH! A snare caught Sasuke by the feet and strung him upside-down from a tree branch.

Sasuke screamed. Girlishly. Naruto sat up in the hammock and snapped a picture.

"This is how I fight," said Naruto.

Sasuke flung a kunai at Naruto. It was surprisingly well-aimed, considering the position he threw it from. While Naruto deflected the kunai, Sasuke cut himself down from the snare.

Sasuke threw a handful of shuriken at Naruto. Naruto simply lay down in the hammock and let the throwing stars bounce off the bottom of the hammock. Looks like that hammock was woven with steel or something.

"Aaah, this is the life." Slurp. Where did he get that lemonade from?

Sasuke saw red. He charged Naruto again. The ground fell out from under him. There was a loud squelching sound as he hit the bottom and fell on his back.

"UGH! WHAT IS THIS STUFF!"

Naruto snapped his fingers, and a piece of string lowered from the canopy with a paper sealing tag on the end of it. It stopped above Sasuke's face.

"Boom," said Naruto. "I win."

"Winner: Naruto," declared Kakashi.

"Fine. You win. NOW GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Okay!" said Naruto, far too cheerfully.

A pungent liquid burst out of the paper sealing tag. On the up side, it dissolved the goop that had Sasuke trapped, Naruto had another embarrassing photo, and it had a delightful orangey-citrus scent. On the down side, Sasuke was now soaked, the delightful orangey-citrus scent was incredibly overpowering, and the remains of the goop combined with the liquid were rather sticky, so when Sasuke climbed out of the dirt hole he would be covered in brown muck.

"GACK!" spluttered Sasuke. He climbed out of the hole, fuming. "What. The. Hell. Was. That."

"What do you mean?" asked Naruto, seemingly nonplussed.

"I want a REAL fight! Spar! Whatever! Not a stupid trapped obstacle course!"

"I told you, this is how I fight."

"You weren't fighting! You were just lying in that stupid hammock! Get out of that thing and fight me!"

"Wait… you mean like… two people rushing at each other and taking shots at each other with… swords or knives, or... jutsu and… blocking, and… dodging, and… all that crap?"

"YES! Finally the dead-last gets it!"

"Go find a samurai. Remember what I said two days ago to Inari? Real ninja don't fight. Real ninja just win. And I just won."

"Fine, be that way! How about another round!"

"If you don't give up right now, I'll put up poster-sized prints of these photos all over Konoha."

"Grrrr."

"Hey, cheer up! I've got another lemonade."

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Sasuke headed in the direction of the shore, hoping to get rid of the filth covering him before anyone else saw him.

"I promise, it's not poisoned! Or pranked!"

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

"Kakashi-sensei? Want a lemonade?"

Kakashi approached gingerly, using his Sharingan to look for traps.

– CS –

Two weeks later, Team 7 finally headed back to Konoha, this time using the tree-climbing skills Sasuke and Sakura had just learned to jump through the trees in a straight line towards their "hidden" village (meaning everybody and their mother knew where it was).

Suddenly, Kakashi called, "Halt! We've got company!"

Zabuza Momochi landed on a tree limb ahead of them. Beside him, Haku Yuki landed on another tree limb, this time not wearing a Hunter-nin mask. Zabuza was carrying an oversized katana, obviously one that formerly belonged to one of Gato's mercenaries.

"Hatake," said Zabuza, "that was a mighty fine trick you pulled getting Gato to attack us. We appreciate the money, but I want my sword back."

"Huh? Your sword?"

"Kakashi-sensei, I'm pretty sure he means that over-sized meat cleaver he used to fight us last time. What was it called, the Kyuubi-butcher?"

Kakashi choked.

"Whatever," continued Naruto. "I'm the one that beat you last time, I kept the sword, and I'm not giving it back. You were on a mission to kill an innocent man, which means you have to accept the risk of losing your life, the life of your apprentice Haku here," Naruto nodded at Haku, "or anything else precious to you. Part of the business."

"It's Kubikiribōchō! And if I say I'll kill you if you don't give it back?"

"Why Zabuza, are you looking for a fight?" Naruto looked waaaay too nonchalant about this.

Zabuza drew his katana.

Kakashi tensed to block Zabuza.

Naruto made a single one-handed seal.

Zabuza froze, shouted a curse word, and toppled bonelessly off the branch he was about to leap from.

"Master Zabuza!" cried Haku, diving to catch said swordmaster.

"Uh, Naruto?" queried Kakashi. "What did you just do?"

"Remember the paralysis and chakra disruption seal I put on him the first time we fought? Yeah, they never actually removed the seal, they just waited for the chakra to wear out. Which means I could easily activate it the same way I did the first time."

While Kakashi snickered and Sakura and Sasuke looked confused, Naruto called, "Haku!"

Haku, who had managed to catch Zabuza, looked up from the forest floor.

"There's a rather large rebellion movement in Kiri headed by a lady called Mei Terumi, seeking to overthrow Yagura and stop the bloodline massacres. I think you and Zabuza would be interested in joining forces, no?"

Haku looked surprised, very surprised. "We'll check it out. Thank you, Naruto." Haku flickered away, carrying Zabuza over one shoulder.

– CS –

"Naruto," Sakura spoke up, "I have a question."

They had just entered Konoha and were on their way to the Hokage Tower to make their report.

"Yes, Sakura?"

"You had one of those Shadow Clones spying on Zabuza and Haku for days, right?"

"Yup, I had one transformed into a bug hiding under Zabuza's bed. Then after Haku killed Gato, the clone I had transformed into Gato's pimp cane was there as well."

"Here's the question: was Haku a boy or a girl?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" shouted Naruto, pulling at his hair. "I didn't want to actually peek on Haku in the bathroom, and Haku didn't change clothes in the bedroom 'cuz Zabuza was there. Haku looks like Haku has a girl's face, but Haku doesn't seem like Haku has any girl parts, but I can't tell for sure because Haku always wore these girly pink fluffy pajamas, and Haku's kimono just covers everything! And Zabuza doesn't talk much, but when he did he never, ever said anything to indicate what Haku's gender was! You might have noticed I never use any pronouns when talking about Haku! It's so frustrating! And I didn't want to just ask 'cuz that'd be rude! If Haku turned out to be a boy it'd be like calling him a girly-boy, and if Haku turned out to be a girl it'd be like saying she doesn't look pretty enough, which is totally not true! And then Haku could be a boy pretending to be a girl, or a girl pretending to be a boy, and whatever answer Haku gives could be a lie anyway."

"Really, you think Haku is pretty?"

"That's what you got out of my rant? Yeah. Isn't it obvious? Sasuke, Haku is relatively pretty, right?"

"Hn." It was a rather ambiguous grunt.

"See, even Sasuke thinks Haku is pretty. And I've never EVER heard Sasuke compliment a girl before."

Sakura was NOT happy at this revelation, for multiple reasons mostly involving her ego. But she hid it well, and said teasingly, "So… you could both be crushing on a boy?"

"AAAAARRRGH!" screamed Naruto.

"Hn. Is that a bad thing?" asked Sasuke, thinking Sakura might stop crushing on him if she thought he was gay. It was the biggest mistake of his life.

"YAOI!" squealed Sakura, loud enough that the birds in the forest on top of the Hokage Mountain took flight in surprise. All the yaoi fan-girls in Konoha, and the one yaoi fan-boy, heard the battle-cry, and came running to get the latest, juiciest rumor.

Naruto, feeling a disturbance in the Force, said, "Sensei-I'll-see-you-in-the-Tower," and vanished so quickly that Kakashi would have sworn he used the Hiraishin if that were not completely impossible.

The fan-girls came from all directions, hemming in Kakashi and Sasuke. "Details, Sakura, details!"

Sakura pointed at Sasuke, but her voice was drowned out in the crowd. "It's forbidden love!" shouted one. "But with who?" asked another. Somehow, one preteen girl put two and two together to get six, and shouted, "Sasuke and Kakashi! Forbidden luuurrrve! SQUEEEE!"

Kakashi decided, then and there, to request another long C-ranked mission outside of the village.

– CS –

"Hi Gramps!" said Naruto, barreling into the Hokage's office.

"Naruto! You're back!" Hiruzen was happy to see his surrogate grandson hadn't been negatively affected by the mission.

"Yup, mission success! Sensei and the team will probably be late though. They got attacked by yaoi fan-girls." Hiruzen, Naruto, and the ANBU hiding in the room shuddered. Fan-girls were scary. Yaoi fan-girls were even scarier.

"Well, how did it go?" asked Hiruzen.

"I got a new toy! Wanna see it?"

"Sure, let's see this new toy."

Naruto pulled out a giant cleaver-blade and waved it around. "I stole it from a guy called Zabuza! I think he called it 'Kyuubi-butcher' or something, which is strange because I don't think the Yondaime used it when he killed the Kyuubi, but anyway, this sword is really cool!"

Hiruzen choked. "I think it's Kubikiribōchō, Naruto. You say you ran into Zabuza Momochi on your mission?"

"Yeah! He was all like, 'Grrr!' and Kakashi-sensei was like, 'GRRR!', and then Zabuza made some clones, and then I made some clones! And then one of my clones used Kawarimi with his sword and kicked him in the ass! And that's how I got the sword."

"That's… a very unusual use of Kawarimi," said Hiruzen, shocked. Kawarimi was a defensive jutsu! It was meant for escaping attacks, nobody used it as an attack. And did he say his clone performed the Kawarimi? Did Kakashi teach him the Shadow Clone? It did make sense after all, Naruto had plenty of chakra thanks to his status as a Jinchūriki.

"Uh-huh!" said Naruto, brushing it off. "And then we pranked Gato and blamed it on Zabuza and Haku and Gato attacked Haku and that didn't go so well for Gato and then we chased all Gato's men out of town in their skivvies and I got pictures! Wanna see?"

"That sounds like a rather wild tale, Naruto. May I see these pictures?"

Naruto pulled out a storage scroll from one of his pockets and unsealed a small stack of photos, which he handed to the Hokage.

The first photo was of an infuriated Gato, leading his men through the middle of town in their undershirts and underwear, brandishing his fancy cane.

The next photo was of Gato's army crowded around Zabuza and Haku's small house, with ice needles flying out the doorway.

The third photo was of the villagers waving swords and pickaxes and various other implements chasing the thugs in their underwear.

Finally, there were several photos of the holds of Gato's ships, with "Gato Shipping" labeled on the boxes. Inside were tons of illegal drugs. Other photos showed shackles and chains, clearly indicating that Gato was involved in human trafficking at some point.

"I figured you could send those photos to anyone who wants to know why Gato's not around anymore."

"I see. That's quite an achievement, Naruto. And who came up with this plan?"

"I did, of course! I'm the Prank King!" Naruto struck a pose.

That was when Kakashi and Sasuke limped into the room.

Kakashi looked like a mess. His mask was ripped halfway down one side, his forehead protector was on backwards, his vest was unzipped, he was altogether rather scuffed up, and his normal gravity-defying hair was braided into cornrows.

Sasuke looked traumatized. His clothes were askew, ones sandal was missing, and his normal duck-butt hairstyle was lopsided and drooping. He had lipstick on his cheek, and a look of absolute horror on his face.

"Naaaruuutooo," said Kakashi, his voice hoarse. "You abaaaandoned ussss..."

Naruto just snickered and snapped a photo.

– CS –

That evening, a knock came on the door of the house where Mei Terumi was staying with some of her advisors.

"I'll get it, Lady Mei," said Chojiro.

"Whirlwind Postal delivery for Mei Terumi," said a man in a delivery uniform. He had one of those totally forgettable faces.

"Um… Lady Mei?"

"Yes, that's me," said Mei from behind Chojiro.

"Where do you want me to unseal this? It's about eight feet long," asked the delivery man.

"Right here in the entryway should be fine," said Mei, pulling Chojiro out of the way. Chojiro blushed when she put her hand on his shoulder.

The delivery man unsealed a huge cleaver blade on the floor.

"Is that… Kubikiribōchō?" asked Mei.

"Have a nice day, miss!" said the delivery man blandly, as if it were nothing out of the ordinary. As he turned and left, they read the message on the back of his delivery uniform jacket:

WHIRLWIND POSTAL

We Deliver Anywhere, to Anybody,

Speedy, Safe and Confidential!

"It's the real thing," announced Ao, coming into the room and inspecting the sword with the Byakugan under his eye-patch. "There's an envelope tied to the handle, looks safe."

"Let's see what it says." She opened the envelope with a kunai and pulled out a note.

Dear Miss Terumi,

I expect that Zabuza Momochi and his apprentice, Haku Yuki, will join up with your army within a month or so. If he does not, I'm sure you can find someone else worthy of wielding this sword. If he does, tell him to remember Secret Ninja Rule Number Zero.

- A Friend

"What's Secret Ninja Rule Number Zero?" asked Chojiro.

Ao growled, "It's an old saying they used to have in Kiri, back in the days before the Second Ninja War. It goes:

"Don't fuck with the Uzumaki."

– CS –

How to be a Ninja

by Minato Namikaze

Chapter 4: Real Ninja Don't Fight: Real Ninja Just Win

Ninja fight in the shadows. Samurai fight in the daylight. The ideal ninja is one who achieves all his objectives in the easiest way possible, and usually, that means without fighting.

Ninja who fight only with chakra and physical strength is only using a small part of their potential. There are lots of forms of power. Use them all to become the most successful ninja you can be.

Of course, there will be situations where you'll be confronted with someone who you weren't able to take out before they attack you. Ambushes, straight-up wars, surprises, stuff like that. In this case, it's important that you don't engage in a fair fight. Find a way to cheat! Lay traps, use last-minute blackmail, bluff your way out, fight dirty. And as a last resort, use an incredibly overpowered S-ranked jutsu like Hiraishin to lay the beat-down without giving them a chance to blink! (See Chapter 9 for details on the Hiraishin.)