Naruto strolled down the street in his orange jumpsuit. Chaos, naturally, followed in his wake.
Sakura and Ino were stalking Naruto. They ducked behind some crates.
"I think he's gonna go do some training next!" whispered Sakura.
"Yeah, he must have done lots of training by himself," agreed Ino, also in a whisper. "Maybe we'll find out what kind of training he does!"
"Uh-huh," nodded Sakura. "I still can't believe he eats ramen for breakfast though."
Ino shook her head. "How is he not fat?! He ate TWELVE bowls of ramen! I don't think even Choji could eat that much. Naruto should be like, twice as big as Choji!"
"He's getting away!" said Sakura, peeking around the boxes. Naruto, in fact, had simply continued walking.
Sakura and Ino dashed along the street into a narrow alley to continue following Naruto.
"Ahem."
Sakura and Ino jumped and looked around wildly.
"Sakura. Ino," said Hinata in a flat tone, emitting a small amount of killing intent. She stood in front of them, hands on her hips.
"Hinata?!" Said girls straightened as if caught doing something wrong. What happened to the shy, timid Hinata?
"I see that you have decided to become Naruto fan-girls," stated Hinata, scowling. "I want to make one thing clear. You can follow Naruto. You can talk to Naruto. You can moon over Naruto at all hours of the day and night. But. Naruto. Is. MINE! Got it?"
Hinata's killing intent rose to Chūnin level.
"Got it," agreed Sakura, looking properly chastised.
"Got it," squeaked Ino. She's scarier than Shikamaru's mom!
"Good. Now," Hinata peeked around the corner to look for Naruto. Ino and Sakura followed suit.
"Where'd he go?" whispered Ino.
"Oh, no, we've lost him!" whispered Sakura.
"Who are we following?" whispered Naruto.
Hinata whipped around and saw Naruto behind them.
"EEP!" Hinata turned red and fell over in a dead faint.
"Oh dear!" exclaimed Naruto, catching her. "Here we go again."
"Naruto!" said Sakura. "We were, uh..."
"Following Sasuke!" completed Ino.
"Yeah, we were following Sasuke!" said Sakura.
"Poor Sasuke," said Naruto. Then he shrugged. "Meh, who cares? Anyway, Sakura, I came to tell you, Kakashi-sensei just arrived at the team meeting spot."
"What? But it's 7:30 in the morning! Kakashi-sensei never shows up before 10!"
"I know," said Naruto. "Actually it's 7:45. And we're supposed to show up at 8. So he's EARLY. But anyway, we gotta go if we're gonna get there on time."
Sakura frowned. "How do you know he's there if you're here? Weren't you just..."
Ino bonked her on the head.
"Huh?" Naruto looked confused.
"Nothing," said Sakura. "We gotta go, right?"
"Yeah, we gotta go get Sasuke too! Ino, can you watch Hinata until she wakes up? Thanks! Bye!"
Ino looked at Hinata, slumped against the alley wall, as the two members of Team 7 dashed off to their meeting.
– CS –
"YOU'RE LATE!" said Kakashi exaggeratedly, as Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura walked up to the meeting point at 8:00 sharp. He pointed his finger at his three students and posed in mock outrage.
Sasuke and Sakura face-faulted.
"What the hell?!" shouted Naruto, "People don't face-fault in real life! That only happens in anime!"
"Maybe they've been watching too many episodes of Fairy Tail?" suggested Kakashi, poking a twitching Sasuke.
"Maybe," said Naruto. "There's an awful lot of episodes. What is it, like, almost 300?"
"Almost," agreed Kakashi. "Why do I have a vague feeling of irony? Do you feel that too?"
"WE'RE NOT LATE, YOU'RE EARLY!" shouted Sakura, suddenly standing again and completely ignoring Kakashi and Naruto's discussion.
"Yeah," said Sasuke, "Why are you early?"
"Lemme guess..." said Naruto. "you're entering us into the Chūnin exams."
"Got it in one!" said Kakashi, eye-smiling. "How'd you know?"
"You're holding the application papers in your hand," deadpanned Naruto.
"…good point," admitted Kakashi. He held out the applications. "So, do you three want to enter?"
"Hn," said Sasuke affirmatively, "this is the next step towards killing Itachi."
"If Sasuke is entering, I'm entering too!" Sakura lost all sense of sense when around Sasuke.
"Eh, why not?" said Naruto, shrugging and taking an application form.
"Excellent!" said Kakashi, eye-smiling again. "So, who wants to go for some ramen to celebrate?"
"Yes!" shouted Naruto. "RAMEN! Are you buying?"
Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Yes."
"Naruto, didn't you just eat twelve bowls of ramen twenty minutes ago?" asked Sakura.
"Yeah, so?" said Naruto, ignoring the fact that Sakura was revealing that she had, in fact, been spying on Naruto.
"Too much ramen is bad for you," grumbled Sakura.
"There's no such thing as too much ramen!" declared Naruto. "Ramen is the most amazing food in the entire world! In the beginning, there was darkness. Then Kami said, 'Let there be ramen!' And then there was ramen! And that's how Kami created the universe!"
Kakashi blinked. "Uh, Naruto, I don't think that's quite how it goes."
Naruto was horrified. "Haven't you people ever heard of string theory? The universe is made of the space-time continuum, which is a type of ramen broth, and matter is made up of particles which are really the ends of long strings of ramen noodle!"
Kakashi, Sakura and Sasuke decided not to argue.
– CS –
"Report." said an old man sitting behind a desk in his underground lair. His part of the room was shadowy, but the space in front of his desk, where a masked ninja knelt, was well lit.
"Sir. I followed Team 7 on their bandit killing mission and successfully observed the target's actions without being noticed. Target has excellent kunai throwing skills, probably Jōnin level; he took down twelve bandits in the space of one second, all instant kill shots.
"Subsequently, target displayed high speed in order to save a teammate from serious injury or possible death from an explosive tag trap; again, target's speed was consistent with use of a Shunshin, though I was not close enough to see the accompanying blur and the target did not use the customary distractive smoke or leaves. Target used Earth Release Armor to protect himself from the effects of the explosion, though he was unable to prevent his teammate from suffering a broken arm.
"Target produced six shadow clones at once in order to check the bandits' tents for survivors. When the team headed back to Tanzaku Gai, said shadow clones were set to deconstruct the team's remaining traps.
"Following this, the target used Shunshin, this time with smoke, and returned three and a half minutes later with Tsunade of the Sannin, whom he claimed a familial relationship with, another woman whom he introduced as 'Shizune', and a domesticated pig. At that point, I retreated to avoid being detected in case Tsunade checked for observers using her well-known sensing abilities, and continued observing from a distance. Tsunade healed the injured team member. Then the team re-visited the bandits' camp to collect their packed trap materials and returned to Konoha."
"Hmm. Satisfactory, Hyō," said the old man in the shadows. "This news is very concerning. Order Fū and Torune to report for orders immediately. Send word to Council Members Homura and Koharu that I need to arrange a meeting for important business."
"Yes, Lord Danzo!" The masked ninja vanished in a blur, the telltale sign of a Shunshin.
– CS –
"Naruto, how on earth do you eat so much?" asked Kakashi, sweating. Naruto was on his fifteenth bowl of ramen.
"Oh," said Naruto, "that's simple. I'm eating for two." He patted his belly.
PPPPFFFFFFFFT! Kakashi's spit-take spewed ramen broth all over Ichiraku's stand.
"AHA!" shouted Naruto. "THE MASK IS A GENJUTSU!"
Sakura and Sasuke looked at Naruto strangely.
"What?" said Naruto. "Don't tell me you haven't wondered what's under the mask."
"KAI!" "KAI!" said Sasuke and Sakura in unison.
"Not that kind of Genjutsu," said Naruto, shaking his head. "It's a light-reflecting illusion, like the Academy Clone. Except it's probably anchored to his chakra supply instead of being a separate chakra construct, so you couldn't dispel it even if you smacked him in the face."
"Very good deduction, Naruto," said Kakashi, using his chopsticks to pick up some noodles and eat them slowly, showing the noodles disappearing directly through the apparently-cloth surface of the mask.
"That's freaky, Kakashi-sensei," said Sakura. "And Naruto, where did you learn about this other type of Genjutsu? I didn't even know about that!"
"Uh, Academy Clone? Remember I had a lot of trouble with that jutsu? I did some extra research in the library to help."
– CS –
Later, Kakashi took Naruto aside.
"Naruto," said Kakashi, completely serious. "You know about the...?"
Naruto got a look on his face that said Kakashi had spoken something totally stupid.
"How could I not, Kakashi-sensei? Have you seen the way the villagers treat me? I heard them talking about the fox years ago."
"Do you know there's a law that prevents people from talking about it?"
Naruto grinned smugly. "I know. It's amazing blackmail material."
– CS –
Shuffle, shuffle.
Naruto was, once more, walking down the street in his orange jumpsuit.
Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
A bush was following him.
Shuffle, shuffle.
That's right, a bush. A big round green shrub about a meter and a half tall was shuffling along in his wake. Naruto stopped and turned around.
"Hey, Konohamaru," said Naruto as if the eight-year-old wasn't trying to hide in a bush. "Who are your friends?"
FOOOM! The shrub went up in a huge ball of flames.
"Ow ow ow!" shouted a little girl with messy orange pigtails, jumping back from the fire.
"Kono, you used too much lighter fluid!" shouted a boy with round glasses, limp brown hair and a permanently dopey look on his face.
"Ehehehe, sorry!" said Konohamaru. Then he hissed, "Guys, we're supposed to do the introduction!"
"Oh, right!" said the girl.
"I'm Moegi!"
"I'm Udon!"
"I'm Konohamaru! And together, we're…"
"The Konohamaru Corpse!" they shouted in unison. It was extremely cheesy, as in oh-Kami-kill-me-now-this-is-so-embarrassing cheesy.
"Cool!" shouted Naruto. "But… that last word is 'corps', pronounced like 'apple core'. The way you said it, it means 'dead body'."
"Aw, we practiced that so many times." complained Udon.
"'s okay," said Naruto. "You'll get it right next time."
"Yeah, we'll get it next time!" declared Konohamaru. "So boss, will you play ninja with us?"
Naruto blinked at the sudden change in subject. He thought for a minute. Then he grinned.
"Sure!" said Naruto. "I have the perfect idea for a mission! Gather round and I'll explain."
The three kids formed a close circle with Naruto and leaned in to hear his plan.
– CS –
Sakura and Ino were, once again, following Naruto in hopes of catching him training. Hinata was with them, following Naruto in hopes of catching him as a boyfriend (though somehow without actually talking to him). They dashed from shadow to shadow, staying out of sight.
"Psst."
The three of them turned around. Standing behind them was a girl about their age with bright yellow-blonde pigtails, sun-kissed skin, and a body that could only be described as "hot". In other words, her bust was way too big for a twelve- or thirteen-year-old.
"Kikyo?" said Hinata.
"President!" greeted the new blonde, cheerfully. "Are these two new club members?"
Hinata sighed. "Kikyo, meet Ino and Sakura. Ino, Sakura, meet Kikyo, the self-appointed Vice-President of the Naruto fan-club, and until today, the only other member."
"Sweet! Nice to meet you," said Kikyo. "So, what's our sexy hunk doing?"
"Hang on," said Sakura.
"We're not Naruto fan-girls," said Ino.
"Huh? You're not? Then why are you following him?" asked Kikyo.
Ino and Sakura looked at each other.
"We're trying to find out what he does for training," said Sakura.
"Have you considered just going up and asking him?" suggested Kikyo.
"Have you considered just going up and asking him for a date?" asked Ino.
Hinata and Kikyo blushed. "Good point," they said, in unison.
"So," said Sakura, "Naruto was just talking to some little kids. One of them was the Hokage's grandson, right?"
"Yup," confirmed Ino. "I heard him agree to play ninja with them."
The four of them peeked around the corner.
– CS –
"Okay, here's the plan," said Naruto. "You see, I have a few people stalking me. We," he waved his hand around to include all four of them in the plan, "are going to stalk them and find out why they're stalking me."
"Sounds good, boss!" said Konohamaru.
"But boss," said Moegi, "how are we going to hide and follow them if they're watching us right now?"
"Good thinking! We'll need a distraction," said Naruto. "Can you guys do the Clone Jutsu?"
"I can," said Konohamaru.
Moegi and Udon shook their heads "no".
"That's okay," said Naruto. "I'll just make some clones that look like you two. Okay, first thing is we need to do is wait until they're looking away from us. As soon as they're looking away, we'll make the clones, and we'll sneak away and come up behind them. Got it?"
The Konohamaru Corps nodded their heads.
"Alright. Look at the reflection of the store window behind me. Can you see the three girls in the alley peeking out at us?"
"Yeah! I see them, boss!" whispered Konohamaru.
"Good," said Naruto, pulling out a small mirror and cupping it in his hand so he could watch the store window. "When I say go, follow my lead."
A blonde-pigtailed girl appeared in the alley and distracted the three stalkers.
"Go!" whispered Naruto. "Konohamaru, make your clone!"
Konohamaru ran through the hand signs and produced a perfect Academy clone. Naruto did the same and produced three Academy clones, one of which was a copy of himself and the other two copies of Moegi and Udon.
"Okay, follow me! Konohamaru, make your clone look like he's talking with the others like we were just now."
The four of them dashed into an alley. They circled around, climbed a fire escape, and eventually reached the top of one of the buildings that made up the alley the girls hid in. Naruto grinned at the other three, putting his finger to his lips in the universal signal for 'silence'. Then he peeked over the edge.
Moegi grinned, and peeked over the edge. Udon grinned, sucked up some snot, and peeked over the edge. Konohamaru was sweating. He had to maintain concentration on his clone while climbing a fire escape and following Naruto. He caught his breath, grinned, and peeked as well. This was exciting!
"So," they heard Sakura say, "Naruto was just talking to some little kids. One of them was the Hokage's grandson, right?"
"Yup," came Ino's voice. "I heard him agree to play ninja with them."
The four stalkers in the alley below peeked around the edge, looking at the four clones which stood huddled together down the street, apparently in a quiet discussion.
"Who plays ninja with little kids anyway?" commented Sakura, "We're real ninja, why would he want to play a stupid kids' game?"
That was when it all went to hell. Konohamaru lost concentration on his clone for a moment.
"Hang on," whispered Ino. "Did the Hokage's grandson just… flicker?"
"I saw that too!" whispered Hinata. "Byakugan! They're all clones!"
"But where are the real ones?" asked Sakura.
Hinata looked around for a moment. Then she gasped and looked up.
Naruto waved. Hinata fainted.
Konohamaru decided he didn't need the clone anymore, so he dropped it. Then he yelled, "Hey! Playing ninja is not stupid!"
"Yeah!" chimed in Moegi. "Aren't you playing ninja too?"
"Why were you following :sniff: the Boss?" asked Udon.
"None of your business!" shouted Sakura, shaking her fist at them.
"Hey Boss," said Konohamaru, "is she a fangirl? You told me about fangirls, they're ugly."
"And stupid," said Moegi.
"And they follow around people who don't like them," said Udon.
"Konohamaru," said Naruto.
"Yeah Boss?"
"Remember the other thing I said about fangirls?"
"Uh..."
"They're scary."
Sakura growled and started running up the side of the building.
"RUN!" shouted Naruto. And they ran. Across rooftops, down fire escapes, through alleys, through crowds. Konohamaru bumped into a weird-looking teenager wearing pajamas and makeup, but Naruto picked him up in no time and they kept running, ignoring the "Hey!" of the strangely dressed boy. Still, the pink-haired banshee followed.
"I'LL GET YOU BRATS!" screamed Sakura.
Konohamaru shouted, "I know! C'mon, this way!" and dashed off in a different direction. They weaved off towards the Hokage tower.
"Grampa, protect us!" puffed Konohamaru, bursting into the Hokage's office. The other three dashed in behind him and slammed the door.
Hiruzen looked up from his paperwork. "From what?"
"Crazy," puffed Udon.
"Fangirl," puffed Moegi.
They heard a BANG! BANG! on the door.
"YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME BRAT!"
"Oh, no! She's here!" whispered Naruto, looking around the room with a terrified look on his face. He produced two shadow clones, and each of the three Naruto's grabbed an eight-year-old and leapt into the rafters of the high ceiling.
"Shh!" cautioned the three Naruto's, each one putting a finger on the lips of the Academy student he was holding while hanging upside-down from the ceiling.
Just in time too, as the doors came down with an almighty CRASH!
"WHERE ARE THEY?!" screamed Sakura, stomping into the room.
The Hokage raised an eyebrow at Sakura from behind his desk.
"Uh..." Sakura gulped.
"Ahem," said Hiruzen, staring sternly at Sakura.
"Sorry Lord Hokage!" squeaked Sakura, and she dashed out of the room at a speed that was rather impressive for a Genin.
"Phew," said Naruto.
"That was close," said Moegi.
"Hi Mr. ANBU," said Konohamaru, waving at an ANBU who was hanging upside-down from the ceiling in front of him. You could practically feel the ANBU's amusement.
The Naruto-clone holding Udon chipped in. "Can we get down from here before Udon's snot-string reaches all the way to the floor?"
Naruto shrugged and produced another clone. The new clone made the hand-seals for a Water jutsu and said, "Snot Release: Snot Dragon no Jutsu!"
Udon's snot-drip expanded, turned into an Oriental dragon-shaped snot missile, detached itself from his nose, whirled around, and flew out the window. Moegi, Hiruzen and the ANBU looked faintly repulsed. Udon and Konohamaru looked at Naruto like he was the second coming of the Sage. Everyone ignored the cry of outrage from somewhere in the village.
The three Naruto's walked down the wall.
"Uh, sorry about the door Gramps," said Naruto.
"Oh, don't worry about it," said Hiruzen, smiling. "The Yondaime had the doors made so that they wouldn't be damaged if someone smashed them down. Watch." He performed some hand seals and the doors flew back into their places.
"Seriously? He invented a jutsu just to fix the office doors?"
"When Tsunade was in the village, she smashed them down two or three times a week."
"Oh," Naruto nodded, "Yeah, I can imagine that."
– CS –
Back in the alley, Kikyo watched as Hinata headed home, no longer able to stalk the boy she liked. The blonde-haired girl shifted, revealing the form of one of Naruto's clones.
The Naruto-clone pursed his lips for a second, wondering if being the vice-president of his own fan-club was a sign of insanity.
Then he dispersed in a puff of smoke.
– CS –
One week later, Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto showed up at the building where the Chūnin exams were to be held.
"C'mon," said Naruto. "Let's go around the back and use the window."
Sakura took a swipe at Naruto's head. "Why would we do that, idiot?"
Naruto ducked the swipe and said, "What? Kakashi-sensei does it all the time. He says, 'Real ninja don't use doors.'"
"Hn," said Sasuke, rather appropriately for once. "If we did what Kakashi does all the time we'd be 'lost on the road of life'."
"Fine," said Naruto, "You win this one."
– CS –
"My name is Rock Lee! You are Sakura, are you not? Will you go on a date with me?" asked the mini-Guy clone in green spandex, a bowl haircut and big, fat caterpillar eyebrows. His teeth sparkled as he grinned.
"Absolutely… NOT!"
Lee instantly sank into a comical depression. "Please… at least tell me why?"
Sakura blinked at the sudden change in mood. "I like Sasuke!"
Lee's mood changed again. "Sasuke… of the Uchiha clan? You are Sasuke Uchiha, the genius and Rookie of the Year? I challenge you to a match! YOSH! Let us test each other in youthful battle to see which is the better ninja!"
"Hn. I accept." Sasuke was itching to test himself against someone strong, and this green-clad Genin had just effortlessly stopped his strongest kick.
The surrounding teams, who had been trying and failing to get past the two Chūnin guards' Genjutsu, watched interestedly. Naruto, taking in the situation, snickered.
"Alright, everyone clear a space!" announced Naruto. "Come one! Come all! We are about to witness a match between two manly men whose hearts belong to the beautiful Sakura! The winner will get to go on a date with the lady! Are these terms acceptable to all parties?"
Lee looked surprised, but he grinned. "Indeed, Naruto, these terms are most youthful! I accept!"
"Hn," said Sasuke, trying to ignore Naruto's antics.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'! Sakura?"
Sakura's brain finally caught up. "CHA! SASUKE WILL BEAT THAT FREAK IN FIVE SECONDS! GO SASUKE! OOOOOH I'M GONNA GO ON A DATE WITH SASUKE-DEAR! SQUEEEEEEE!"
"Uh… I'll take that as a 'yes'?"
Sasuke glowered at Naruto and opened his mouth to say something. Unfortunately, he was interrupted.
"YOSH! NARUTO, WILL YOU START THE MATCH?" Lee was in an unusual Taijutsu stance, with one arm straight out in front of him, palm up.
"Alright, warriors, are you ready? Begin!"
Sasuke growled. But he focused on his opponent, clenched his fists, and charged Lee.
Lee blocked Sasuke's punch and kicked him in the jaw with all his strength. It was an instant knockout.
"Winner… Lee." deadpanned Naruto, like he had seen it coming all along. Which he had.
Lee appeared in front of Sakura again and grabbed her hand. "SAKURA! I HAVE DEFEATED MY OPPONENT! WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON OUR DATE!" His huge bushy eyebrows wiggled in her face.
"EEEEK! I SAID NO!" Sakura raised her fist and pounded Lee on the head, knocking him to the floor.
"They're both so loud," said a disguised Kotetsu, who had been watching the match with everyone else.
"And they both hit so hard," said a similarly disguised Izumo.
"It's like a match made in heaven," said Kotetsu, sarcastically.
"Imagine the kids," said Izumo, not so sarcastically.
They both imagined a couple of mini-Lees shouting and screaming and running around in green spandex with bowl cuts and bushy eyebrows… in pink.
"Aaagh! I need brain bleach!" exclaimed Kotetsu.
– CS –
Sasuke groaned as slowly became conscious. Why did his head hurt so much? And what was that annoying voice? Scratch that, what were those annoying voices?
"Are you okay, Sasuke dear?" asked Sakura's voice.
"Eh, he's okay," said Naruto's voice, sounding oddly strangled. "He's better off than us," said Naruto. "At least he missed the Sunset of Youth."
Oh yeah, Guy had shown up while Sasuke was knocked out.
"Don't remind me Naruto! It was bad enough watching it once! I don't need to suffer flashbacks!"
Sasuke suddenly noticed that Sakura's voice was oddly close. He opened his eyes.
"GAH!" shouted Sasuke when he realized his head was on Sakura's lap. He shot to his feet and backed away quickly.
Naruto snickered. He seemed to be snickering a lot lately.
"Look at the time!" said Naruto. "We gotta go."
Indeed, they only had five minutes to get up to the next floor and into the testing room.
– CS –
Meanwhile, deep underground in a secret meeting room...
"You summoned us, Danzo?" said Koharu.
The three Konoha Council elders, Koharu, Homura and Danzo, sat around a polished table in very comfy meeting chairs.
"Yes," said Danzo. "I am concerned about the loyalty of our Jinchūriki. I have received reliable reports that indicate he has received training from persons unknown..."
None of the three noticed the small brown ant in a corner of the ceiling.
– CS –
Team 7 entered the exam hall just in time to hear the examiner, Ibiki Morino, yell at the Genin to shut up and take their seats. They quickly joined the rest in shuffling into their seats.
Naruto listened to the rules and read the questions on his test sheet. Honestly, for a guy who had read the entire Konoha Shinobi Library, those questions weren't difficult at all. But the real test was clearly something else.
Naruto quickly came to a decision. He filled out eight of the nine questions with purposefully incorrect answers, and filled in one question on the back of the sheet with the correct answer. Then he placed the sheet face up on his desk so that anyone peeking at his sheet would only see wrong answers, yawned, slumped in his seat, and closed his eyes.
He ignored the killing intent sent his way by dozens of Genin who were decidedly not impressed by his show of boredom. He ignored the erasers thrown at him by Sasuke and Sakura. He even pretended to sleep through the explanation of the tenth question.
BANG! Ibiki's fist came down on Naruto's desk. "WAKE UP, BRAT!"
Naruto yawned and stretched.
"Good morning, beautiful," said Naruto, smiling blissfully.
Ibiki raised his killing intent.
"What up?" said Naruto, blinking and looking around. Everyone was staring at him. "Oh. Is the test over?"
Ibiki stared at Naruto. Then he snorted and said, "You pass."
"WHAT?!" shouted several of the other Genin who were waiting for the tenth question.
"You all pass," said Ibiki.
"But you didn't give us the tenth question," said someone.
"I don't get it," wondered Naruto. "Mr. Proctor said we passed. Why are you objecting? Do you not want to pass?"
"I… argh, I just want to know why, idiot!"
Ibiki explained that the tenth question was to test whether they had the nerve to put their careers on the line.
"But why did you let the idiot pass? He was sleeping through the whole thing!"
"Are you questioning me?" Ibiki glared. It was even scarier with his bandanna off and his scars showing.
Naruto grinned – he liked this guy! Most people would have explained, but Ibiki, apparently, really did know the value of information. Plus he was cool.
Then something crashed through the window. A banner unfurled and got pinned to the ceiling with two kunai, and a purple-haired woman in risqué clothing appeared from inside the banner.
"Heads up, boys and girls! This is no time to be celebrating! I'll be your next proctor, Anko Mitarashi! You ready for the second test? Good, then let's go! Follow me!"
Silence.
"That was awesome, dattebayo!" shouted Naruto, pumping his fist.
Anko grinned. "Glad to know someone appreciates my entrances!"
Naruto pulled out a white card with a '9' on it and held it up.
"What? Only a nine out of ten? What gives?" asked Anko, pouting.
Naruto pointed a finger at Anko. "You need more orange!" he declared.
Anko made a hand sign and performed a Henge. Her trench coat turned the same brilliant orange as Naruto's jumpsuit.
"Like this?" she asked, grinning.
"That's perfect!" said Naruto, switching his '9' card for one that said '10'.
"Oh Kami, there's two of them," groaned Sakura.
– CS –
"The second part of the test has begun!" shouted Anko, her trench coat still a blinding orange.
Twenty-three teams of Genin dashed into the forest, each from a separate gate.
Team 7 stopped a little way into the forest.
"Alright guys, let's head straight for the tower," said Naruto.
"What? Why should we do that, Naruto?" said Sakura.
Naruto shrugged and pulled out a Heaven and an Earth scroll.
"What? When did you get that Earth scroll?" asked Sakura in shock.
"When we received our Heaven scroll, of course. Some team out there was given a fake." Naruto grinned like a fox.
Sasuke objected to Naruto's proposal. "I still want to test myself against some of the other teams."
"Seriously Sasuke? You want to risk the lives of your teammates so you can have fun?" drawled Naruto.
"Hn. It's not like any of them are strong enough to hurt me."
Naruto snickered. "That big purple bruise on your chin says otherwise. And too bad, 'cuz I ain't giving you a choice."
Naruto vanished and reappeared behind Sasuke and Sakura. He grabbed each of them with an arm around the back, and all three blurred away in a Shunshin.
Now the Shunshin (Body Flicker) technique involves wrapping chakra around the outside of your body and using it to propel yourself in a straight line at an extreme speed. Anyone without powerfully enhanced vision, such as a Sharingan, sees no more than a blur. It also tends to give the user tunnel vision, and usually requires hand-seals, so it is mostly useless in a fight against mid-to-upper-level opponents. That is, of course, unless you had enhanced vision (like a Sharingan, again) and practiced until you could do the jutsu without hand-seals, like Shisui Uchiha… or Naruto, who channeled chakra into his eyes and optic nerves until he could see very well indeed.
Neither Sakura, who had no dojutsu or vision-enhancing techniques, nor Sasuke, who had not yet awakened his Sharingan, were prepared for the sudden extreme speed, and they weren't even looking in the right direction to see where they were going.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Sakura all the way to the tower as Naruto rapidly made one Shunshin jump after another. Sasuke managed to stay silent. Barely.
Both of them retched and emptied their stomachs when they reached the tower.
Meanwhile, Naruto unfurled the scrolls. Iruka appeared.
"The Nidaime was responsible for creating many of the traditional institutions of Konoha," lectured Iruka, "including the Shinobi Academy, the ANBU corps, the T&I department, and the Chūnin exams. Alright class, time for a pop quiz… NARUTO?!"
"Hi Iruka-sensei!" Naruto waved his hand and grinned.
"Wha…?" Iruka looked around. Then he looked down and saw the unrolled Heaven and Earth scrolls. "You finished the Second Stage ALREADY?"
"Yup!" Naruto nodded. "Just in time to save your poor students from a pop quiz!"
"You finished in what..." Iruka looked at the clock, "less than a minute?!"
"Forty seconds, actually!" chirped Naruto. "You just didn't notice after we summoned you for about fifteen seconds."
"How on earth did you do that?" demanded Iruka. He knew Naruto was capable of getting away with some pretty crazy stuff due to his pranks, but this should be impossible even for Jōnin.
"Never underestimate the power of the invincible Uchiha!" declared Naruto.
Iruka looked at Naruto's two teammates, who had just finished emptying their stomachs and were giving death glares to Naruto.
"Hey, look!" said Naruto. "He activated his spinny-eye-thingy!"
Iruka looked at Sasuke's eyes, which had turned red and had one tomoe (comma-shaped mark) each. "It's called the Sharingan, Naruto. And what, pray tell, did you do to the 'invincible Uchiha' to make him activate his Sharingan and throw up?"
"I dunno," said Naruto, shrugging innocently. "We got here and they just started retching for some reason."
"Pull the other one," said Iruka. He was well used to the 'innocent' face Naruto used after a prank.
Naruto snickered. "Surprise Shunshin trip."
"Well that certainly explains the barfing. Wait, you know the Shunshin?"
Naruto grinned and used a smoke Shunshin to move two meters to one side. Then he Shunshined back. When he reappeared in a second puff of smoke, he was holding a plate.
"Want some dango?" offered Naruto.
Iruka blinked. "Uh… sure. Where'd you get the dango?"
Just then, they all heard a distant female voice scream, "WHO STOLE MY DANGO?!"
– CS –
"Yo," said Naruto, an hour and a half later.
Facing him was a girl with four short blonde pigtails and a long rectangular box-shaped object attached to her back, a taller boy wearing purple face-paint and wearing a large wrapped package on his back, and a boy who was even shorter than Naruto carrying an enormous sand-colored gourd on his back. This team apparently liked carrying big things on their backs.
"The Sabakus, am I right? Naruto Uzumaki, nice to meet you. You guys got here fast."
"Temari Sabaku," the girl said politely. "And not as fast as you, apparently."
"Kankuro Sabaku," said makeup-boy.
"I am Gaara Sabaku," said gourd-boy. "Mother wants your blood." Gaara was leaking killing intent and demonic chakra.
Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "She wants my blood? What for? And how much does she want?"
"Mother wants to drink your blood. And she says…" Gaara blinked slowly, dropping the killing intent, "A little bit will do."
"Hmm. Well I wouldn't object to letting her have a little bit, as long as she isn't going to use it to, like, break into my security seals or something. And blood's not cheap, so if she wants more than a couple drops I'm going to have to ask for something in exchange."
Temari and Kankuro gaped.
Gaara's brow scrunched in a confused expression. "Does your mother want my blood?"
"No, no, nothing like that," said Naruto. "I want information."
"This exchange is acceptable," said Gaara after some thought.
"Wait..." said Temari.
Gaara shut her up with a glare.
"Uh, usually you ask what information someone is asking for before you agree to give it away," said Naruto.
"Very well. What information are you asking for?"
"Well," said Naruto. "What's your mother's name? It seems like you have a demon sealed inside you – is she your mother? And are you leaking demonic chakra on purpose or is your seal faulty?"
"Mother is the demon of the sand. She says her name is… Shukaku." Gaara pronounced the name slowly, as if it was the first time he spoke it. "I am leaking demonic chakra?"
"Yeah, just a bit. Anyone with the ability to sense chakra could find you in no time. It also tends to scare away animals and make most people slightly uneasy around you. Maybe we can get permission to look at your seal and, if necessary, fix it? Suna is allies with Konoha, you know."
"If the seal is fixed, will I be able to sleep?"
Naruto was horrified. "You can't sleep?"
"If I sleep, Mother takes over."
"Well, we definitely need to your seal looked at then. If we fix it, you will be able to sleep with no problems. Unfortunately, I don't think Suna would be very happy if a Konoha ninja messed with your seal without permission, so we probably should ask first. I don't see why they would refuse though."
"I will ask Baki-sensei."
"Great!" said Naruto, smiling. "Now, blood!" He unsealed a drinking glass. Using a kunai, Naruto cut open his palm without so much as a wince and filled the glass halfway before the blood stopped coming from the wound. Naruto wrapped a bandage around his palm to hide the fact that the wound was closing by itself.
"Is that enough?" asked Naruto.
In answer, a thick tendril of sand reached out of Gaara's gourd and took the glass from Naruto's hand. Moments later, the sand covered the glass completely and crushed it, letting the blood soak into the sand.
"Did Shukaku find out anything from my blood?" asked Naruto, watching curiously.
Gaara stared at Naruto and blinked slowly. "Nine?" he asked.
Naruto nodded solemnly.
"Also," said Gaara, "you're type A positive and you have some kind of chakra-based bloodline, though Mother cannot tell if it's activated or not. And the Y chromosome says you're definitely male."
"That's good to know, thanks!" said Naruto happily.
Temari could no longer contain herself. "You're both really weird, you know that right?"
"Of course!" said Naruto. "Whoah – deja vu?"
Kankuro cracked up.
"Hey! You're wearing cat pajamas and purple makeup! You're weirder than we are!"
Kankuro stopped laughing instantly and glared at Naruto. "What did you just say?"
"Kankuro," said Gaara flatly, "you're wearing cat pajamas and purple makeup."
– CS –
Anko Mitarashi was beyond pissed. Not only did someone murder three Grass Genin, that someone was Orochimaru, her former sensei. Adding to her anger was the fact that said former sensei had masqueraded as a Genin and more or less got the jump on her during her introduction to the Second Phase of the Exam. And worst of all, SOMEONE STOLE HER DANGO!
Anko rocketed through the Forest of Death, searching for Orochimaru's chakra signature.
Giant tigers, spiders and bears ran away or hid as she passed.
There! That foul purple chakra! And he's not alone!
"OROCHIMARU!" screamed Anko.
"Ku, ku, ku, ku!" laughed Orochimaru in a creepy sibilant voice, still wearing the female Grass Genin's face. "Little Anko, look at you, one of the elite..." And then he turned around and looked at Anko.
"You're wearing… orange? Where the fuck did you find something so... blinding?"
"Just… one… question… before… I… KILL YOU." ground out Anko, releasing all her chakra and killing intent at once.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn you down," said Orochimaru, smirking. "I still have to find that little Uchiha boy and gift him with my seal. But I'll humor you for a moment. What question do you have for your dear old sensei?"
"DID. YOU. STEAL. MY. DANGO?!"
If his stolen face were not already bloodless, Orochimaru would have paled – he knew how Anko was when it came to dango. As it was, he did the first thing that came to mind.
"Kabuto, stall her!" ordered Orochimaru. Then he turned tail and ran.
Anko flew at Orochimaru. She was forced to finally take notice of his companion as Kabuto intercepted her with glowing Chakra Scalpels.
"Anko Mitarashi," said Kabuto in a very stereotypical warriors' introduction. "Special Jōnin of Konoha. Former student of Lord Orochimaru and the only other summoner of the Snake Contract. You're good, but let's see how you do against someone of the same caliber as Kakashi the Copy-nin."
Comparing himself to Kakashi… might have been a bit arrogant. And little did Kabuto know, even Kakashi feared to steal Anko's dango.
"GRAAAAAAH!" screamed Anko. "Fire Release: Fire Dragon! Striking Shadow Snakes! Poison Mist!" She threw scores of senbon needles and kunai. "Kunai Shadow Clone no Jutsu! Fire Release: Fire Dragon! Wind Release: Great Breakthrough!"
Kabuto dodged the first fire dragon, disabled the snakes with his Chakra Scalpels, and ignored the Poison Mist. He blocked or dodged all of the kunai but was struck with several poisoned senbon. He used a Kawarimi to escape the massively multiplied kunai when Anko used the Kunai Shadow Clone technique. And that was when his luck ran out.
Anko's second Fire Dragon was aimed at the ground where Kabuto appeared, and her wind jutsu slammed into the Fire Dragon from behind, causing a massive explosion of fire that Kabuto was caught in. He tried to dodge, but he went down with his legs charred, and most of his torso and one of his arms covered in third-degree burns.
Anko spared a glance in the direction Orochimaru had run. She knew how fast that bastard could be when he was running away, so there was no chance of catching up with him. So she figured a rat in the hand is worth two in a hole.
Kabuto's screams rang through the night. It turned out to be very, very handy to have a prisoner who could heal himself when you sliced bits off of him.
– CS –
Team 10 hid in the bushes as a team from Takigakure (Village Hidden by a Waterfall) landed in the clearing where they had stood moments earlier. Shikamaru peered out through a crack at their feet.
Perfect! They're all facing away from us!
"Kagemane (Shadow Imitation) success," said Shikamaru. "Attack plan 1! Go!"
"What? Why can't I move!"
Ino and Choji were surprised by the sudden change of pace from hiding to attack, but they performed as ordered. Ino knelt from behind the low bushes and used her family's jutsu to take over one of the team. Shikamaru released that one while Ino used his body to knock out the other two. Finally, Choji used his Human Boulder attack to smash into the one Ino had used an instant after she released her jutsu. It was a classic Ino-Shika-Cho ambush.
"Perfect," said Choji, searching the Taki team's packs as the other two stood guard. "Found some chocolate! And granola bars."
Ino groaned. "Just find their scroll already!"
"Oh, yeah, they've got a Heaven scroll. I found that a few minutes ago."
Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Now that we've got a Heaven and an Earth scroll, all we need to do is get to the tower. Choji, hide that scroll."
"Okay," said Choji, and they moved off.
– CS –
Team 10 heard a shrill cry on their way to the Tower.
"Hey, where did everyone go!"
Shikamaru prepared to direct the team on a detour to avoid the commotion when he heard a loud thumping and a deep, beastly roar.
"Someone's in trouble, and not from another team," said Shikamaru. "Shall we check it out?"
Ino looked unsure. That growl sounded scary.
"It could be one of our friends," said Choji.
"Let's go then!" agreed Ino.
It turned out to be an enormous, three-story-tall bear chasing a redheaded girl who looked to be about a year younger than the members of Team 10. She had just tripped on a root.
Shikamaru ran through the full hand seals of his family's signature jutsu. "Kagemane no Jutsu!" he shouted, attacking with his shadow.
The bear froze. Then it growled.
"Ino, I can't hold it for long! See if you can possess it!"
"Shintenshin (Mind Body Switch) no Jutsu!" shouted Ino. Her body immediately collapsed as she took control of the bear.
Shikamaru dropped control of his technique, and Ino turned the bear around, trying to make it lumber off into the woods.
Then the bear roared and reared up on its hind legs.
Ino gasped. "There's something wrong with it's mind! I can't possess it properly!"
"Shit," said Shikamaru. "This is gonna be such a drag. Alright, I need a good-sized rock… there, got one!"
As the huge bear turned around and faced the team again, Shikamaru picked up a large rock about the size of his head and shifted it to his left hand, holding it at shoulder height. He made a one-handed seal with his right hand, and blurred in a Shunshin.
WHUMP!
Blood sprayed from the side of the bear's head and it was knocked sideways. Shikamaru reappeared in the air twenty meters away from the bear, no longer holding the rock. He fell to the ground and rolled to break his fall.
Ino gaped.
"Damn, Shika, where'd you learn to do that?"
"Shunshin? I learned it from a scroll. Good way of getting places without having to walk." This was, in fact true; Shikamaru had actually learned it from a scroll and taught Naruto and Shino.
"Did you just kill that bear by throwing a rock at it?!" said Ino.
"Yup," said Shikamaru. He approached the redheaded girl they had just saved. "Hey, are you alright?"
"Y-yes," said the girl, retrieving her glasses and standing up. "Thank you for saving me."
"It was no trouble," said Shikamaru. Then he realized what he'd said. "I mean, it was very troublesome but we're glad we did it."
The girl giggled and blushed. "I'm Karin Uzumaki. What's your name?"
"Uzumaki? Uh, I'm Shikamaru Nara. Did you know the Uzumaki clan heir is a Konoha ninja?"
Karin blinked in surprise. "Really? Do you think I can meet him?"
"Remember the loud blond guy wearing orange who slept through the first phase? Naruto Uzumaki."
"He seemed kind of stupid. Are you sure he's the clan heir?"
"Ino can tell you that Naruto was only pretending to be stupid. Right Ino?"
"Um, yeah I think so. It's kind of hard to tell sometimes. Shikamaru, how did you do that with the rock? Shunshin isn't meant to do that."
Shikamaru sighed. "Troublesome. To perform the Shunshin, you wrap chakra around your body and propel yourself in a straight line at high speed. In order to stop yourself again, you have to apply the same force in an opposite direction with your chakra when you reach your destination – simple physics. All I did was neglect to wrap chakra around the rock when I stopped myself at the end of the Shunshin, and the rock kept flying at full speed.
"Anyway, Karin, what happened to your team?"
Karin looked nervous. "They… well, they left me behind."
"They left you to get eaten by a bear?" asked Choji.
"Well, their plan was for me to act as bait. That's why I was carrying our Earth scroll in the open. But when the bear came, I think they ran away."
"Well," said Shikamaru, "sorry to say it sounds like your team won't be passing. If they think you've been eaten by a bear, they won't come back for you, which means your best bet is to come with us to the Tower. Or – hang on a sec."
Shikamaru reached into a pocket and pulled out a card with a seal inscribed on it. He channeled chakra into it and held it to his ear.
"Naruto?" said Shikamaru. "It's Shika… Of course you've finished the Second Phase already… We've discovered a little cousin of yours and rescued her from a bear… Yes, cousin. She says she's an Uzumaki. Got the hair for it too, unlike you… Well it looks like her team has abandoned her and they probably think she's been eaten, so I'm thinking… Yeah, my location, any time now would be good."
Shikamaru took the card off his ear and stuck it back in his pocket. Moments later, Naruto appeared.
"Yo," said Naruto. "Hi Shika. Ino. Choji. Whoah, bear. Well, looks like we got enough to feed Choji. And you must be the Uzumaki Shikamaru mentioned… I'm Naruto Uzumaki, it's nice to meet you."
"Hi. I'm Karin Uzumaki. Are you really the clan heir? And what happened to all the orange?"
Naruto chuckled. "I don't wear orange when I'm on a serious mission. As for the clan heir thing… well, my mom was Kushina Uzumaki."
"The Princess of Whirlpool! Mom told me about her." Karin's face turned sad.
"Is your mom…?" asked Shikamaru.
Karin nodded sadly. "She passed away four years ago. Those Kusagakure (Grass village) doctors killed her! They drained her chakra until she died."
"She had the healing chakra bloodline?" asked Naruto.
"Yes, so do I," said Karin. She showed her arm, which had faint human bite marks in various places.
"I take it you don't want to go back to Kusa?" said Naruto, his face impassive.
Karin looked hopeful. "Won't they make me a missing nin?"
Naruto and Shikamaru looked at each other, smirked, and spoke in unison. "Not if we fake your death."
– CS –
After sealing the bear in a scroll and modifying the scene to look like the bear had swallowed Karin and walked away, as well as erasing all traces of Team 10's passage, it was time to leave.
"Welp, I guess my shadow clone will see you guys at the Tower in half an hour or so. Word of warning: Sasuke has his Sharingan now, so be careful with the hand-seals."
"What'd you do, hit him with your full killing intent?" joked Shikamaru.
"Surprise Shunshin trip. All the way through the forest."
"Lemme guess. You stole Anko's dango and you wanted to make sure you were out of the blast radius."
Naruto grinned. "You know me too well."
"Where are you taking Karin?" asked Ino.
"Ah-ah-ah. First rule of keeping secrets: don't tell people your secrets."
"Can I have the bear?" asked Choji.
Naruto threw him the scroll containing the bear. "Make sure you give Shika one of the eye-teeth. He killed it, it's tradition."
"Seriously, Naruto?" said Shikamaru. "Those teeth are huge. It's not like I can put it on a necklace."
"Then turn it into a hat or something."
"Will I see Shikamaru again?" asked Karin.
"Probably," said Naruto. "Me and Shika are good friends. Not for awhile though. We gotta change your look, make sure the Kusa people don't catch on that you're alive. Why?"
Karin blushed, stepped up to Shikamaru, and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you," she whispered.
Shikamaru froze, eyes wide. He blushed, and his hand went to his cheek where Karin had kissed him.
"Wow," said Naruto. He grinned. "Alright, see you guys later. Ino, remember, this is not gossip. Don't tell anyone, especially not Sakura. Got it?"
Ino pouted.
"Ino…"
"Fine, I got it Naruto."
– CS –
"Alright, Karin," said Naruto once they were alone. "Hang tight and close your eyes. I'm gonna take you to meet our Aunt."
– CS –
Author's Notes:
I'll stop it here. I'd originally planned to include the Preliminaries in this chapter, but this chapter is already long enough and I didn't want to leave you guys for another week without an update. Also, I haven't decided who should fight whom in the preliminaries. I want to use uncommon matchups for the sake of originality, but I also want to make sure certain people end up in the finals.
You may have noticed that I haven't included the next chapter of Minato's book, "Chapter 7: Chakra Makes Everything Better", and I've named the chapter "Better, Part I". This is because the following chapters after the Chūnin Exam Preliminaries will match the themes of Minato's Chapter 8 and 9.
I'm aware that my description of Shunshin contradicts Narutopedia. According to Narutopedia, Shunshin "uses chakra to temporarily vitalize the body and move at extreme speeds." This does not make sense to me: in the anime, you see people using Shunshin while kneeling and holding a hand-seal. Not exactly something you do if you're gonna take off running at high speed. Besides, if it really were just a method of internally enhancing your body with chakra, we'd see a lot more people ripping up the ground when they start and stop. Maybe also ripping up their clothes due to air resistance.
I am actually considering changing my mind and giving Naruto a romantic pairing. Problem is, I need to find or create a female character who is strong enough for Naruto to respect (not necessarily "strong" as in physically, but definitely "strong" in mind and spirit, enough to be an equal for Naruto). Most of the girls we know in Konoha do not measure up, despite my modifications to Hinata, Sakura and Ino. Hinata… let's be honest, she's pathetic. (Sorry Hinata, you have my pity, and we can be friends, but pity is a rather awful basis for romance.) Sakura… two words, "domestic violence". Ino… still a fangirl, has years before she could grow up enough for Naruto. Ayame Ichiraku, Hana Inuzuka… too old at this point in time, a 5 year age difference is okay if you're in your 20's but not when Naruto is just going through puberty. Same problem with all the older female ninja in the village. Temari… maybe, but she does come off as rather cruel during the Chūnin Exams arc in canon, but I've changed her a bit. Tenten… has potential. She's a serious warrior, if not exactly the embodiment of "ninja"… unfortunately, all the members of Team Guy are stupidly one-dimensional fighters: they pick a discipline and never use anything else. There are also some potential candidates outside the village, though I don't know them as well. Could go the OC route but it's harder to make it funny that way, and I refuse to cop out and bring in a crossover character. Any suggestions, arguments?
Also… WOW! Over 2,200 follows and over 2,000 favs! Broke into the top 10 most followed and favorited Naruto Parody fics on this site! I never imagined my fic would become so popular. To celebrate… I give you omakes!
– CS: Omakes –
OMAKE #1: A deleted scene written when I was contemplating writing a long, boring training montage for the first four chapters… Anyway, this is in line with the storyline of the fic, it's just not a necessary part of the story and if I had included it I would have felt obligated to provide a thorough history of Naruto's Academy years.
The sun was a horrible, horrible invention. It shined right through Naruto's eyelids and woke him up regardless of his continued sleepiness.
Then he remembered.
The book! He sprang up in bed, looking at the night-table where the book lay. Naruto had stayed up most of the night reading the ENTIRE little book. He didn't understand a lot of it, yet, but he'd read every single page searching for clues on who his parents were and what they were like. Yes, he'd come to the conclusion that the Yondaime Hokage had to be his father. He'd even written down the dates based on the history book and his own age, and concluded that if the Minato was his grandfather, then he would have had to be a father at the age of 14, and Minato's son would have had Naruto when he was also 14… to an eight-year-old, 14 sounded rather old, but Naruto was quite clear on the fact that it was too young to be a father. He, of course, didn't understand that this was for social and moral reasons and that it was actually biologically possible. Not that it mattered in this case.
Therefore, Naruto's father was his hero, the Yondaime Hokage. The Yellow Flash of the Leaf, the coolest and most powerful of all the Hokages.
And apparently he didn't like being Hokage. Now that was quite a revelation. But Naruto realized that every time he'd seen his Grandpa, the Sandaime (Third) Hokage, in his office, the old man was sitting at his desk doing… paperwork. Why had he never realized it before? Being Hokage was like having to do homework all day, every day! Why would anybody want to do that?
Naruto still wanted to become the strongest ninja in the village, but he had to avoid becoming Hokage. That second chapter, "Secrets and Lies", was going to be invaluable. Just like all the training tips in the other chapters of the book! Naruto couldn't wait to get started!
Then Naruto remembered something. He had class today. And it was 11:00 AM. Yikes! He'd missed the entire first two periods of the day!
– CS: Omake #1 –
A week later, the Hokage made his monthly visit to Naruto's apartment.
"Grandpa!" shouted Naruto, when he heard the knock on his door. No one else knocked politely on his door. Everyone else either avoided him like the plague or just busted down his door when they wanted to vandalize his apartment. Or just rudely walked in, in the case of the landlord.
Naruto opened the door and, sure enough, there stood the Hokage, in his robes and without his hat. Naruto gave him a hug and led him to the couch to sit.
"Hey Gramps, I have a question. Do you know who my parents were?"
Hiruzen considered for a moment, then he said, "No, Naruto, I'm afraid I don't know who your parents were. You were found after the Kyuubi attack eight years ago."
Naruto's face fell. Then he prodded, "What do you suppose they were like, Grampa? Were they ninja?"
"I'm sure they were awesome ninja, Naruto. They probably gave their lives defending the village from the Kyuubi."
Well, thought Naruto somewhat petulantly, if you won't tell me secrets about myself, then I'm not gonna tell you my secrets.
"Hey Gramps?"
"Yes Naruto?"
"Someday, I'm gonna be the best ninja in the entire world!"
The Hokage smiled. "That's wonderful, Naruto. By the way, I brought you a present."
"Really? What is it?!"
Hiruzen pulled out a package wrapped in bright orange paper and handed it to Naruto.
Naruto ripped it open with gusto, only to find… an alarm clock.
– CS: Omake #1 –
In the coming months, Naruto would re-read his father's book many times over. He would close his curtains at night, lock the doors, and practice chakra control with leaves and pieces of paper, walking up the walls (his already damaged walls gained a large number of new dents and strange smashes) and eventually, filling the bathtub and walking on the water. It was a good thing that he had no neighbors in the dingy apartment building he lived in, or they might have come knocking.
It was right around the time that he was mastering his variant of the tree-climbing exercise that he first managed the Henge (Transformation) Jutsu. Naruto quickly found out something that his father hadn't written in his book: Henge can be used to transform objects, not just yourself. All you have to do is be touching the object and coat it with chakra before using the Henge technique. It was actually rather obvious: the most common use of the Henge was to transform yourself, including your clothes, into another person. Clothes which aren't part of you, and are not special in any way (it's not like they made chakra-conductive clothing or something). So all Naruto had to do was put an object like, say, his library card, in his pocket and think of it like his clothes – this is a part of me, I'll use my chakra to transform it and change the name on my library card along with the rest of me – and he could transform the object in his hand. Just like that, he had access to the Academy library under an invented name and face that got right past the stupid Chūnin librarian. Not that even a Jōnin would have been able to detect his Henge: it's much harder to find something wrong with a transformation if there's no original to compare it to.
It was a very small leap of logic to learn that he could also transform an object he was touching WITHOUT transforming himself. Well, to be more accurate, his body was covered in a puff of smoke, signifying that he was under the Henge, but he still looked the same. He would have to improve his chakra control a LOT before he could do the technique without wasting chakra and producing smoke. That would be awesome though: pick up a rock in the middle of a fight, seamlessly transform it into a kunai, and voila – instant weapon.
With Henge, Naruto could find an unused training ground and train there without getting kicked out and without letting anyone know how advanced he was. He carefully used it to increase his height and apparent age so that his advanced training would not appear suspicious.
– CS: Omakes –
OMAKE #2: An alternate ending to the scene in the Hokage's office.
"Sorry Lord Hokage!" squeaked Sakura, and she dashed out of the Hokage's office at a speed that was rather impressive for a Genin.
"Phew," said Naruto.
"That was close," said Moegi.
"Hi Mom," said Konohamaru, waving at an ANBU who was hanging upside-down from the ceiling in front of him and staring at him through her mask. You could feel her amusement.
"She's your Mom?" asked Udon, his perpetual drip of snot hanging the wrong way up.
"Hi, Konohamaru's Mom," said Moegi, waving from where she was being held in a Naruto-clone's arm.
The ANBU face-palmed. "Konnie, you're not supposed to let people know who I am when I'm wearing the mask."
Konohamaru pouted. "Don't call me Konnie!"
Naruto snickered.
"Don't you DARE!"
"Konnie. I like it!" declared Moegi. Udon nodded, making his now three-foot-long snot-string swing dangerously.
Konohamaru stuck out his tongue.
Then the blonde-pigtailed fangirl from the alley walked in the smashed doors.
"Sorry Gramps," said she. "I didn't know she would smash down the doors."
Hiruzen said, "It's okay, the Yondaime had the doors made so that they wouldn't be damaged if someone smashed them down. Watch." He performed some hand seals and the doors flew back into their places.
"Cool!" said Naruto from the ceiling.
"Boss! You gave us away!" shouted Konohamaru.
"Nah," said Naruto. "No need to worry about Kikyo. She's not a crazy fangirl." Naruto and the clones walked down the walls to the floor and placed the three Academy students on their feet before the clones dispersed.
"Huh?" asked Konohamaru. "You mean there are other kinds of fangirls that aren't crazy?"
"Uh… no, not that I know of. But you see, she's me."
"What do you mean she's you?"
Naruto pointed at the blonde girl, who made a hand-seal and said, "Kai." A puff of smoke and she turned into Naruto.
"I'm a Naruto shadow-clone under a Henge."
Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon gaped. Hiruzen chuckled.
"And I'm the vice-president of the Naruto fan-club!" said the Naruto-clone proudly, once again in the blonde-pigtailed 'hot girl' Henge and holding up two fingers in a 'V' sign.
"Boss, lemme get this straight. You're the vice-president of your own fan-club?"
Naruto nodded, grinning smugly.
"That's disturbing," deadpanned Konohamaru.
– CS: Omakes –
OMAKE #3: An alternate recipient for Kubikiribōchō.
"Lee!" shouted Naruto, entering the training ground where Team Guy practised.
"Naruto, my eternal rival! Have you come to spar with me?" said Lee, jogging up to Naruto. And then jogging in place in front of Naruto.
"Not today, my most youthful friend!" said Naruto. "I brought you a gift!"
"A gift?" said Lee, still jogging.
"Indeed," said Naruto, unfurling a sealing scroll. "I present to you… Kubikiribōchō!" And he unsealed the eight-foot-long sword and handed it to Lee.
"YOSH! This is a most youthful gift!" said Lee. He gave it a couple of experimental swings with his right hand. Then he shouted, "YOUTH!" and dashed forwards, bringing down twenty trees with a single swing.
Tenten showed up.
"Why are you giving it to Lee?" pouted Tenten.
"Well," said Naruto, "the last guy who owned that sword had no eyebrows. So I'm hoping that combining the sword's apparent ability to remove eyebrows, and Lee's impossibly bushy eyebrows, will result in some perfectly normal eyebrows."
"That's… that's brilliant!" said Tenten, with a look of awe on her face. "If it works, it might almost be worth it."
"That, and it really fits his fighting style better than yours. You're more of a precision and finesse fighter, while Lee is all brute strength and speed, which is the only thing that sword requires."
"That actually makes sense," sighed Tenten, grudgingly. "But it's just… it's one of the legendary weapons of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist! I want one!"
"Sorry," said Naruto. "But there's another one that would suit you better, right?"
Tenten brightened. "Yeah! Kabutowari, the Helmet Splitter! It's got a giant hammer on one end and an axe on the other end, connected by a leather rope! It's unpredictable, really difficult to wield, and totally awesome!"
The two of them just stood silently for a minute, watching Lee denuding the training ground of trees.
"Hey Naruto," said Tenten, "do you think Kubikiribōchō would work on Guy-sensei's eyebrows?"
Naruto shook his head. "Sorry," he said mournfully, "That one needs professional help."