"Stop it, that tickles!" giggled Naruto, batting away Konohamaru's hand.
After Naruto had pulled up the top of his orange tracksuit along with his undershirt and molded chakra to show the seal on his stomach, the little boy had jumped off his grandfather's lap and proceeded to poke Naruto's stomach with his eight-year-old fingers.
"How does it work?" asked Konohamaru.
Naruto looked up at the Hokage with a question on his face. Hiruzen smiled and nodded, as if to say, "Go on, explain it to him."
"Well, have you ever used a storage scroll?" asked Naruto, dropping his shirt to cover his belly again.
"No," Konohamaru shook his head, "but I've seen Grampa do it."
Naruto scratched his head for a moment, then pulled a scroll out of a pocket.
"This," said Naruto, "is an empty storage scroll." He unrolled the scroll on the floor, showing an intricate spiral design made out of many, many lines of ink.
Hiruzen's eyes widened in surprise. That's not a standard storage scroll, that's an Uzumaki seal! Did Naruto make that himself? The paper is new, he couldn't have just found it somewhere.Then he had another thought. Letting Konohamaru interrogate Naruto may be the best idea I've had since I stole that crystal ball during the Second Ninja War.
"Now, do you have something to store in the scroll?"
Konohamaru dug in his pocket and pulled out a wooden kunai.
"Perfect," declared Naruto. "Put the kunai on top of the scroll, in the middle of the seal design. Do you know how to channel chakra?"
"Yeah!" grinned Konohamaru, "Like when Sensei taught me the leaf-sticking exercise, right?"
"Exactly," said Naruto. "Put your finger on the seal. Now think, 'I want to put this kunai in the scroll', and channel a bit of chakra into the seal."
With a puff of smoke, the wooden practice kunai vanished into the scroll.
"Now," said Naruto, "this scroll is special. You can actually add a bunch of other things to the scroll without taking the kunai out." Naruto grabbed the chair he had been sitting on, dragged it and put one leg onto the scroll, then sealed the chair into the scroll. "There are three things you have to be careful about. First, you can't store anything living into this scroll, so no hiding people or animals in there. Second, the limit for this scroll is 500 cubic meters of stuff, which is about half the size of this room. So if you find that you can't add something to the scroll, it's probably because it's already full. And third, when you take stuff out again, it all comes out at once, so make sure you have plenty of space to unload it when you do."
"Got it!"
Naruto handed the scroll to Konohamaru. "Okay, now I want you to think, 'I want to take everything out of this scroll' while channeling some chakra into it."
Naruto stood back and Konohamaru unsealed the kunai and chair from the scroll.
"Cool!" shouted Konohamaru.
Naruto rolled up the scroll and handed it to Konohamaru along with the kunai. "Keep it, it's yours."
"Thanks, bro!"
"No problem, Konohamaru. Now, back to our original discussion, can you guess what this seal does?" Naruto lifted his shirt again, showing the Eight Trigrams seal.
"It... turns you into a storage scroll?" said Konohamaru.
"Exactly!" Naruto beamed. "My belly is like a storage scroll that holds a giant, walking, talking fuzzy nine-tailed critter. That's why this seal looks so much different than the seal on the storage scroll: this one is designed to hold Tailed Beasts like the Kyuubi."
"So… if you channel some chakra into the seal, can you get the Kyuubi out again?" asked Konohamaru.
Naruto snorted. "No, actually this one is designed so you can never get Kyuubi out again." This wasn't entirely true, but Naruto was not going to say anything about that.
"Konohamaru," said Hiruzen, seriously.
"Yes Gramps?"
"This is important: you must never speak of the Kyuubi being sealed in Naruto to anyone. Not your friends, not your teacher. It's an S-ranked village secret, which means you can actually be put to death for telling the secret. Understand?"
Konohamaru nodded soberly.
"Okay, now why don't you two help me wake up these brave ANBU who seem to have fainted on our floor?"
Hiruzen was answered with two wicked, wicked grins.
"Can we use fire?" asked Konohamaru.
– CS –
After waking the two guards in the most embarrassing way possible, Hiruzen sent Konohamaru home with his mother, who, while in ANBU, had fortunately or unfortunately not been one of the two in the room. Then he sent the ANBU to guard the doors of the room from the outside, and used a privacy seal to prevent anyone from hearing.
This left Naruto alone with Hiruzen, who had questions he didn't want his grandson to hear the answers of.
"Naruto, how did you really learn about the Kyuubi?" asked the Hokage.
Naruto thought back to when he was nine years old. "Well..."
– CS –
The new underground training room was FINALLY ready to use. Shikamaru, Shino and Naruto had wracked their brains and searched all the libraries they had access to for an Earth jutsu that could hollow out a large space under the bedrock, until Naruto finally came up with the method of using the Hiding Like a Mole Jutsu, which temporarily turns the dirt and rock you are digging through into soft sand, to carve out large chunks of rock and seal them into storage scrolls.
When they had hollowed out a large enough cavern, they smoothed out the walls and floor with multiple Earth Release: Earth-Style Walls, and Naruto had painted chakra-absorbing seals on the walls, ceiling and on the rock below the dirt floor in order to prevent anyone from sensing their training methods. In addition, Naruto had painted seals on the ceiling to keep the air fresh and provide lighting.
The result was a giant underground room, deep below the surface of the bedrock, 120 meters wide in either direction and 30 meters tall. It was glorious.
Today, Naruto was alone in the training hall. With a sense of accomplishment at finishing their project, Shikamaru and Shino had decided to take a couple days off of training. Naruto, on the other hand, was just too excited. He could finally take his training to the next level!
Naruto formed a cross-shaped hand seal with his index fingers. Focusing his chakra, he shouted, "Multi-Shadow Clone Jutsu!"
Two hundred clones appeared in the training hall. Naruto frowned. He didn't even feel tired!
"Okay, everyone spread out! I need more space!" His clones complied. Naruto took a deep breath in and focused as much chakra as he could. "Multi-Shadow Clone Jutsu!"
This time, one thousand new clones appeared in a giant puff of white smoke.
Naruto grinned. Then he toppled over in a dead faint.
– CS –
Naruto opened his eyes.
He inspected his surroundings. "Huh?"
"Usually when I pass out I either wake up right where I fell, or in a hospital bed. Not to mention…"
He blinked.
"… I'm usually LYING DOWN!"
He had awoken in a concrete sewer tunnel with pipes running overhead, STANDING ankle-deep in water, which strangely enough wasn't dirty like in a normal sewer. He heard growling in the distance.
"Weird. Well," said Naruto, "may as well go check that out."
Instinctively walking atop the water, Naruto took off at a wary jogging speed. Eventually the sewer tunnel entered a large, dark, cavernous room. On one side, there was an enormous pair of doors made of metal bars, like a prison gate. The doors were seemingly held shut by a single piece of paper with kanji for "Seal" written on it. Beyond the doors was darkness.
Until a fearsome killing intent, more than Naruto had ever felt before, blasted from behind the doors. And an enormous, glowing set of eyes appeared. And a gigantic set of fangs, each tooth taller than Naruto himself. Naruto froze in fear.
"Hello, human." said the creature. Its voice reverberated through the room, shaking Naruto's bones.
Naruto jumped back.
"WHAT THE HELL!" shouted Naruto. "It's a giant carnivorous talking bunny-rabbit!"
"I AM NOT A BUNNY-RABBIT!" roared the creature. "I am the great Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, Kyuubi no Kitsune! Bow before me, peon!"
"Kyuubi?" said Naruto.
...
"You don't look so tough."
"GRRAAAAAAARGH!" roared the now-named Kyuubi, slamming into the cage doors.
"Also," said Naruto, "you're definitely a bunny-rabbit. Nothing else has big long cute-looking ears like that." He nodded as if to affirm his conclusion.
"HOW DARE YOU, YOU KRIFFING SPAWN OF A WOMP RAT AND A HUTT! I AM NOT CUTE!"
"… you're a Star Wars fan?"
"… Darth Maul is my favorite character. I bet your favorite is something lame like that whiny fleshbag Luke or the preachy green shrimp, Yoda."
"Hey, Yoda is totally awesome! But yeaaah... Luke is kinda wimpy. And my favorite character is actually Boba Fett."
"Boba Fett? Nobody knows anything about him! I'll never understand why people like Boba Fett. He isn't even a real character! He only has like 18 lines in all the Star Wars movies, and most of them are in one of the trashy prequels!"
"Exactly," explained Naruto, "He's like a ninja. Of course nobody knows anything about him."
"Whatever. Now what do you want, human? Did you come here to demand some of my power?" growled Kyuubi.
"Huh? No, I don't want anything. Well, actually I want to know where I am and how I got here. And preferably also how to get out."
"… you don't want my chakra?"
"Why would I want your chakra? And isn't it, like, yours? How would I be able to use it anyway?"
"You… don't know, do you?"
"Know what?"
Kyuubi snorted. "Nine years ago, that stupid blond fleshbag, your Yondaime, sealed me inside you. Humans with Bijuu sealed inside of them are called Jinchūriki, human sacrifices. Jinchūriki can use their Bijuu's chakra to gain power and become fearsome fighting machines."
Naruto stopped breathing. "The Yondaime. My father."
"And I'll bet the villagers all knew about it and that's why they call me 'demon' and 'evil' all the time. But I'm not a demon, I'm a human with a… well, you sealed inside me."
"Wait… if you're sealed inside me, how am I talking to you? Is that paper thing holding the doors shut, is that the seal? And where are we?"
"We are in your mind. I guess you'd call this your mindscape. And yes, that paper represents your control of the seal."
"So mindscapes are… real? I thought they were only fiction, like in Inception. Wait, Inception has dreamscapes, not mindscapes. Are those real too?"
"Yes, but there's no time-dilation effect."
"Cool! But if this is my mindscape, where are my memories? Isn't there supposed to be some representation of my memories somewhere around here? Like, books or glowy-orb-things?"
"I don't know. This isn't a Harry Potter fanfic. Mindscapes aren't even part of HP canon anyway."
"Meh, I'll figure it out. So… Jinchūriki. What are the other Jinchūriki like, are they samurai or ninjas?"
"Hmph. They call themselves ninjas."
"But… if a human used a Bijuu's chakra, wouldn't they be fighting more or less like a samurai? No swords, but if I used your chakra I'd probably be glowing orange and people would be able to feel the chakra output miles away. Granted, it would be extremely powerful, in a blunt-weapon kind of way. Like a proton torpedo. Everyone could see it coming and everyone would know who it was. Not very ninja-like."
"True, but that never stopped any of the other ninjas."
"I don't get it," said Naruto, frowning in thought. "You almost sound like you WANT me to use your chakra."
"Of course I don't want you to use my chakra! It's MY chakra!"
"Yes, you do. You've been practically offering it to me this whole time. And you're answering my questions and stuff and more or less acting nice."
"I AM NOT NICE! I AM A DEMON! I AM THE GREATEST, MOST POWERFUL DEMON IN THE WORLD, I AM EVIL INCARNATE!"
"Exactly. Which is why it would be INCREDIBLY STUPID for me to take your chakra. I mean seriously, anyone who reads comic books or watches TV or movies knows that using a malevolent source of power, one that you didn't earn, practically makes you a supervillain! I mean, the only good guy I can think of who uses an external source of power is Doctor Strange, and he gets his extra power from Agamotto, who's a nice guy. You're more like Dormammu! Except slightly cooler. And then there's the fact that the badguys who use external sources of nasty power ALWAYS end up getting badly beaten like Baron Mordo or exploding like that Extremis guy in Iron Man 3 or dying when the power leaves them or possessed or eaten within a couple of episodes or by the end of the movie or comic book! It'd be like Spider-man using the alien-symbiote-slime-thing that tries to take him over! I mean, how idiotic and bone-headed would I have to be?"
"Damn," huffed Kyuubi. "I was hoping you'd fall for that."
"You're a funny guy, you know," snickered Naruto. "What's your name anyway? 'Kyuubi' is just a description of your nine-tailed form, it's not a name."
"I'm not telling you my name. Names have power for powerful beings such as I. Just call me Kyuubi."
Naruto blinked. "Huh, really. I thought that was a fairy-tale thing. Okay, Kyuubi."
Then he changed the subject. "By the way, have you seen the Star Wars movie they released two years ago? Can you even get movies in here?"
"There's a new one? Really?"
Who knew? Kyuubi could use the Puppy-Dog Eyes. It would have been effective, especially with the bunny-ears, if he hadn't been five stories tall.
"Man, that really sucks," said Naruto. "Do you know if there's a way I can get you the movie?"
"If you let me, I can access your senses, so I can see what you see and hear what you hear."
"Cool! So all I have to do is re-watch the movie! Wait, what about shadow clones? Can you see the memories that come in when a shadow clone is dispelled?"
"Hmm… if I send a bit of chakra that way… and if you channel your intent into the seal… yeah, probably. I don't think I can access your older memories though."
"Okay, let's try that! I don't really want to go back and re-watch all the movies that came out in the last nine-years myself."
"… Thanks, human."
"I have a name you know! It's Naruto Uzumaki!"
"Fleshbag."
"Bunny-rabbit."
"Stupid blond."
"Fuzzbutt."
"Ramen addict."
"HEY! Don't knock ramen! It's the food of the gods!"
"I'm a demon."
"… Good point. What's your favorite food, then?"
"Chocolate. Dark chocolate. The good kind, not that... plastic from Hershey's." Kyuubi's face twisted in distaste as he said 'plastic'. "Preferably German or Swiss."
"Huh… I would've figured you'd say humans."
"Humans are alright, but the good ones are rare. I like 'em nice and fat. Daimyo's are especially good."
"Why'd you attack Konoha then? It's a ninja village, not many fat people."
"… you wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"Not telling."
"C'mon…" Naruto pouted. "After all this bonding we did?"
"Bonding, feh. I was bored."
"If you don't tell me, I won't let you watch movies."
"GRRRRR… fine, I'll tell you."
"Great! I'm listening."
"...eventually. Now leave, human."
"But… but… fine. This isn't over, you know. And you haven't even told me how to leave."
"It's your mind. Just focus on wanting to leave."
"Oh. Got it. Duh." Naruto turned around as if to leave.
"One more question," said Naruto, turning back. "This is very important. I HAVE to know. Are you a guy or a girl?"
"Insolent fleshbag," growled Kyuubi. He blasted some chakra through the bars, sending Naruto out of his mindscape and into consciousness.
– CS –
"Well…" said Naruto, his mind back in the present. He told Hiruzen, "I made too many shadow clones one time and ended up talking to the Kyuubi in my mind. And that's how I found out Kyuubi was sealed inside me."
"So you can talk to the Kyuubi?"
"Yeah, he's actually pretty cool once you get past the whole 'I want to eat you' thing. And he's definitely a he. I got Kiba to show me how to tell the sex of a dog once, and I snuck up on Kyuubi while he was sleeping. Definitely a dude."
Hiruzen blinked. "Well. That's… you learn something every day." I really should be used to Naruto's antics by now.
"How old were you when this happened?"
"Um…" Naruto scratched his head. "Nine?"
"By the way, Naruto," said Hiruzen, changing the subject, or perhaps finally getting to the point, "how did you learn the Shadow Clone jutsu? It's a B-rank Forbidden Jutsu, normally only our Jōnin have access to jutsu like that."
"I read it in a book?"
Hiruzen used his Hokage-stare.
Naruto sighed. Then he blanked his face.
"How about you tell me who my parents were and I'll tell you where I learned the Shadow Clone Jutsu."
"Naruto..."
"I know you know. I've always known you were lying when you said you didn't know."
"Are you trying to blackmail me?"
"I deserve to know. They're my parents."
"It's an S-class secret."
"It's an S-class secret about me. It should be my secret. And you know I can keep a secret."
"Really, you? Keep a secret? The loudest ninja in Konoha?"
"I've known the Shadow Clone Jutsu for four years, and you just found out today. Same with my knowledge of the Kyuubi. And," Naruto narrowed his eyes at Hiruzen, "not even Kakashi-sensei knows I can make my own custom storage scrolls."
So he caught that I noticed, did he? Then again, I should have expected it. I wonder if his Academy grades were faked or if he just didn't care what they were, like Shikamaru Nara?
Hiruzen sighed. "Alright, Naruto. But keep in mind that your parents, both of them, had a large number of enemies. And many of them will not hesitate to strike at you because of who your parents were."
Naruto nodded seriously.
Hiruzen reached down and unlocked a drawer in his desk, eventually pulling out a photo, which he handed to Naruto, who took it greedily.
"Your parents were Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki, the Yondaime Hokage and his wife."
"Finally! It took you long enough," said Naruto. "So that's my mom, huh? She's older than in the other pictures I've seen of her. And she's – oh, she's pregnant."
Hiruzen face-palmed.
"You already knew. You already knew." He sighed. "I should have expected that, right?"
"I'm a ninja, Grampa. And not just that, I'm a teenager! I'm supposed to know things I'm not supposed to know."
"So how did you find out?"
"I read it in a book!"
"You're enjoying this, aren't you."
"Yup! It's nice being the one with all the answers, isn't it?" Naruto grinned. Finally, he unzipped his orange jacket, reached inside and pulled out a book, which he placed on the Hokage's big desk. "That's the book."
"Book?" asked Hiruzen, his eyes traveling back to Naruto's face.
Naruto looked at the book and tapped it with his finger.
With effort, Hiruzen looked back at the book. Then he looked at Naruto again. Naruto nodded and tapped the book again.
"Hold on… KAI!"
"Yup, there's a Genjutsu on the book."
"But it looks like it's just a… KAI! Just an out of date history textbook. And the Genjutsu keeps coming back after I dispel it. KAI!"
"Yup! It's a dual-layered Genjutsu seal. One layer makes it look like a boring history textbook and the other layer makes people want to ignore the book. The only exception is if the person looking at the book is a descendant of both Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki. On top of that," Naruto sealed the book back into his jacket, "there are security seals that make it so the book will self-destruct if anyone not authorized actually gets past the Genjutsu and tries to open the book."
"So this book..."
"It was written by my Dad and it contains the Namikaze family secrets. He's the one that put the seals on it."
"Ahh… I see. And a few other things, like the Shadow Clone Jutsu, I take it?"
"Yeah. He actually hid it in the Academy library along with a few other places, hoping that his descendants might one day find it. Apparently he was very much aware that the position of Hokage could require him to sacrifice his life for Konoha, and he didn't trust the system to keep his secrets safe and pass them on to his children."
"Minato," said Hiruzen, "you clever, clever boy. What else is in the book?"
Naruto snorted and grinned. "Namikaze family secrets. You might have guessed, a bit of fuinjutsu. And other things."
"Rasengan?"
"Not telling," sang Naruto.
"Hiraishin?"
"Hiraishin? What's that?" Naruto plastered an innocent look on his face that was patently false.
Hiruzen chuckled. "The Chūnin exams are next month. I believe Kakashi plans to enter your team. I look forward to seeing how you do."
"That's nice. I look forward to seeing if I can get through the exams without showing my skills." Naruto grinned.
"Speaking of Kakashi-sensei, could you do me a favor Gramps? Don't tell him about the book. Or the fuinjutsu. He's… he hasn't actually taught us anything. Well, he taught Sasuke and Sakura the tree-walking exercise, but I already knew that. He's more of a team captain than a sensei. So I don't really wanna share my secrets with him. Actually, don't tell anyone about the book."
"I've spoken with Kakashi about the training, actually," said Hiruzen. "I told him to start teaching more. But yes, I'll keep the book a secret. A clan secret, actually. Not many know it, but when someone becomes Hokage, their family, no matter how small, becomes registered as a clan of Konoha, with all the rights and privileges of the founding clans. And if you share clan secrets with other people, those people are actually legally not allowed to share them with others."
"Cool. Thanks Gramps!"
"Alright, I guess I'd better get to this paperwork."
"Okay, see you around old man!"
Naruto left in a puff of smoke.
He used Shunshin, thought Hiruzen. So he doesn't know the Hiraishin? Or maybe he knows the Hiraishin, but he used Shunshin to make me think he doesn't know Hiraishin? Dammit, that boy is as good as Ibiki with the mind games.
– CS –
"Team 7, here for another C-ranked mission," said Kakashi.
It was 10:00 the next morning. Kakashi had shown up to Team 7's meeting spot an hour earlier than normal, and led them to the Hokage Tower via a ridiculously tortuous path.
"Didn't your team just come back from a C-ranked mission?" asked the Chūnin behind the desk, who happened to be Hana Inuzuka. "Regulations state that Genin teams have to do at least fifteen D-ranks for every C-rank. Someone's gotta do those chores."
"Uh… Regulation 352-H, created by the Yondaime Hokage, states that there's an exception to that rule if one or more members of the team are being harassed by yaoi fan-girls."
"Arf!" "Arf!" "Arf!" said the Haimaru triplets, one after the other.
"Bullshit!" said Hana, agreeing with her three ninja-dog partners.
"Bullshit!" said Sakura, agreeing with Hana.
"Hn!" said Sasuke, agreeing with Sakura, but expressing his reluctance at doing so for multiple reasons. It was amazing how much an Uchiha could put into a one-syllable grunt.
Kakashi turned around, where a long row of heavy, polished-leather bound books sat on a shelf on the other side of the room, spanning the entire wall. He pulled out one of the newer books and searched the table of contents.
"There. Rule 352-H: Sakura, read it out loud for us, will you?"
A disbelieving Sakura read, "Officially recognized Ninja Teams, of whom one or more Members have been Harassed by Yaoi Fan-Girls or Yaoi Fan-Boys at any time during the last fifteen (15) days, shall be exempt from any Rule enjoining them to take Missions which require said Team to stay within the Borders of Konohagakure."
"That's… awfully specific," said Hana. She grabbed the book to confirm for herself.
"Apparently," Naruto snickered, "the Yondaime had serious problems with yaoi fan-girls when he was a Genin."
Kakashi shivered. "Not just when he was a Genin."
"Alright," growled Hana. "Here are the C-ranked missions."
"The bandit-killing mission," demanded Sasuke, his voice dripping with blood-thirst.
"The bandit-killing mission," agreed Kakashi.
"Okay," said Hana, recording the mission number and the team assigned to it. "One more question."
"Mm-hmm?" said Kakashi.
"Which one of you is yaoi?"
Team 7 vanished so fast that one could be forgiven for assuming Kakashi had taught his students the Shunshin. Or Sasuke and Sakura, at least.
"Quick, Haimaru! After them! We'll sniff out the truth! No one escapes an Inuzuka!" shouted Hana with a disturbing gleam in her eye.
Izumo and Kotetsu stumbled as four figures dashed out of the gates of Konoha, almost blowing them over with the wind of their passage. Team 7 vanished into the distance, Sakura making a double furrow in the ground with her heels as Naruto and Sasuke dragged her backwards by the upper arms.
– CS –
"Hey, Kakashi-sensei, what are the mission details?" asked Naruto once they had finally slowed down. "Are we even heading in the right direction?"
"Eh, don't worry. I opened the top of the scroll while we were running towards the gates. The scroll says that the bandits in question have been attacking merchant caravans near Tanzaku Gai. Intelligence estimates that there are between 25 and 40 bandits in the group, nothing special, just your ordinary bandits like the ones we chased out of Wave. The mission is to wipe them out."
"No hostages to worry about?" asked Naruto.
"No, that would make it a B-ranked mission."
"Lemme guess, you've been carrying camping equipment for a long-term mission outside the village since yesterday."
"Yup," said Kakashi.
"Ohgodohgodohgod," moaned Sakura, "I don't have my stuff!"
"Relax, Sakura," reassured Naruto. "I've got enough supplies to spare, and I'm sure Kakashi-sensei has some to share as well."
"But I don't have my makeup kit! Or a spare change of clothing! What if it rains?"
"We're going on a mission to make what is, for some of us, our first kills," stated Naruto. "And you're worried about makeup?"
"First… kills?" Sakura froze.
Naruto sighed. "Kakashi-sensei, maybe we should double around, sneak back into Konoha under Henge? I think Sakura would feel more comfortable if she at least had her own weapons. And this way we won't all be crowded into two tents."
Kakashi considered that if they had to share two tents, either Sasuke would sleep in a tent with Sakura, which could end up in the boy getting molested in his sleep, or Sasuke would share with Kakashi, promoting the awful, awful theory that the two of them were, ugh, involved, or Kakashi would have to share a tent with Sakura, who was a veritable banshee at all times and would probably make him deaf before morning.
"Alright team, consider this evasion training. We'll go forward until the next stream and then we'll use the stream to lose our scent on the way back to Konoha. Hopefully Hana will assume we've used the stream to keep going forward, and will go the other way."
– CS –
Kakashi and Naruto were waiting outside the gates while Sasuke and Sakura went back in to fetch their weapons, camping equipment and makeup.
"So Kakashi-sensei, you're planning to get Sasuke and Sakura blooded on this mission?"
Kakashi turned his eye on Naruto. "You've already made your first kill?"
Naruto took a deep breath. "I was six. A drunkard followed me onto my apartment roof with a knife. He got me pretty bad, but I managed to shove him over the edge. Old Man Hokage helped me through it."
"I was five," said Kakashi, surprising Naruto. "I was a child prodigy, already a Genin. It was war, so it was essential to get even our Genin into fighting condition as quickly as possible. Sensei took us on a bandit-killing mission just like this one. I killed seven bandits, slashed their throats or buried kunai in their hearts."
"Damn," said Naruto. They were silent after that.
– CS –
The team was lucky and saw neither hair nor fur of Hana and her ninja-dogs before they reached Tanzaku Gai the next day. Kakashi stopped at the chief of police's office and obtained the latest information on the location of the bandits, before summoning his own ninja-dogs and tracking down the bandit camp.
"Okay," said Kakashi. "Here's the plan. We'll do this in daylight because you three don't have any experience with nighttime operations. According to my ninja-dogs, there are thirty-one bandits in the camp. Priority is containment, we don't want anyone in the camp getting away. So the first thing we'll do is use stealth and set lethal traps in a 40-meter radius around the camp. Then we'll move in and set another ring of traps in a 30-meter radius. We'll do this in pairs: Sakura, you're with me, and Naruto and Sasuke are together. I'll send Pakkun with Naruto and Sasuke to tell you where to set the traps. If a patrol or a stray bandit leaves the camp, let them leave without seeing you and we'll track them down later. Got it?"
After receiving the affirmative, Kakashi said, "After setting the second circle of traps, each pair will go on the opposite side of the camp and we'll attack in person. The signal to attack will be an explosive kunai in the center of the camp. If at any point you suspect that one of the people in the camp is not there willingly, I want you to knock them out. Otherwise, your orders are to kill. Understood?"
"One more thing. Sakura, when we attack, I'm going to let you take point, and I'll cover your back. Naruto and Sasuke, you two are free to attack in whatever pattern you want, but make sure to watch each others' backs. Now remember, stealth as we approach the camp and complete silence until I give the signal to attack. Ready to go?"
"Ready," said Naruto, calmly.
"Y-yes," said Sakura, with obvious trepidation.
"Hn," said Sasuke, scowling.
"Move out!"
– CS –
The smell of booze and campfire smoke was detectable by an un-enhanced human nose even from 40 meters away in the pure air of the forest. The bandit camp itself was fairly quiet; apparently none of the bandits were loud drunks, or maybe the loud drunks weren't drinking at the moment.
Team 7 successfully set both rings of traps without incident, setting up hundreds of meters of tripwires, explosive tags every meter, and poisoned barbed wire. It was two hours of hard, silent work.
Ninja are like slight-of-hand magicians. Nobody ever thinks of the prep work, but without the prep work, the whole act would fall apart.
At last, the hour had arrived and each pair of ninja snuck up on the clearing. The dogs had de-summoned themselves after guiding the ninja to the assigned locations and pointing them at the camp.
Sasuke took point by mutual consent (not that Sasuke would have accepted it any other way). Naruto breathed regularly as he crouched behind Sasuke, watching as the raven-haired Genin trembled with adrenaline. Naruto wondered why Sasuke would want to take point. Seriously, if he had any sense he would have seen that first, by leaving Naruto to take the rear position Sasuke was comparing him to Kakashi as someone to be relied upon to protect his back, and second, if Sasuke did anything embarrassing, like, say, shaking before the fight, in the rear position he wouldn't have been seen. Egos work in strange ways.
BANG!
That was the signal. Sasuke and Naruto leapt up simultaneously and charged into the center of the camp. Sasuke led with a well-aimed brace of shuriken to the neck of one of the bandits, who was distracted by the initial explosion and went down choking on his own blood.
"NINJA!" shouted one of the bandits, seeing their forehead protectors and the kunai held in Sasuke's left hand. He was quickly silenced by a kunai to the back of the head, thrown by Kakashi.
Naruto frowned as the mission degenerated into a pitched battle. "Back off, Sasuke! Keep them from getting behind us! Fight at range!"
Sasuke didn't listen. He charged into the center of the camp, burying his kunai in the heart of a bandit hadn't yet drawn his sword.
"Fire Release: Great Fireball!" shouted Sasuke, burning another bandit to a crisp. Then he attacked at close range, a kunai in each hand.
"Stupid fucking Uchiha," grumbled Naruto. He rapidly threw kunai left and right, letting Sasuke take on the bandits in front of him and making sure none got behind Sasuke. A dozen armed bandits fell in short order, with the all-purpose ninja knives buried deep in hearts, spines, and heads.
Sasuke clashed with a bandit wielding a katana. He blocked three swift strikes of the man's sword with his kunai before he slipped around and stabbed the man in the heart with the kunai in his other hand. Meanwhile another bandit came up on his left and Sasuke had to duck to avoid a broad horizontal slash. He spun and threw a kunai in the man's stomach while he was open, then followed up by slashing the bandit's throat. A bandit ran out of a tent, sword in hand, and quickly had to duck a brace of shuriken Sasuke produced from his pouch. The last Uchiha dashed forward and engaged with his kunai, not even noticing as another scruffy bandit ran towards his back, only to fall dead from a kunai to the head courtesy of Naruto.
"RUN!" shouted one of the bandits. The nine or ten remaining bandits ran into the trees.
The bandit who had crossed his sword with Sasuke's kunai tried to disengage. Naruto threw a kunai in his brain.
"Naruto! That was my kill!" shouted Sasuke, his habitual scowl deepening.
"Sasuke, you idiot! Look behind you! You don't just charge into the middle of a crowd of enemies like that, it's suicide! If I hadn't been here you'd be dead!"
Sasuke looked around and saw bodies. Far more bodies than he was responsible for.
Then Naruto saw something that made his blood freeze. "SAKURA, NO!"
– CS –
Sakura and Kakashi reached their appointed spot and waited to make sure the other pair had time to reach theirs. Sakura was shaking. The wait, as they always say, is the hard part.
Kakashi laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
"Breath," he whispered. "In, out. In, out. We're going up against a big crowd of men with swords. Keep them at range, fight along the edge of the camp, remember that the bandits don't have the ability to fight from a distance. Sasuke and Naruto are going to appear from behind that large gray tent, so we're slightly to the right of the opposite side of the camp. I want you to circle to the right, so that if any of us miss with our thrown weapons we won't be throwing them at each other. Now, I'm going to be using minor Genjutsu on any bandits that try to close in with us, so if you see one of them freeze up, don't hesitate and throw a kunai at them. Are you good?"
Sakura nodded and whispered, "I'm good, sensei."
"Okay, here goes." Kakashi threw a kunai with an explosive note tied to the ring.
BANG!
As one, they rose and dashed into the clearing, forward and to the right. Sakura began throwing kunai as soon as she was in range. Her first kunai pierced a man's heart. She didn't look as he fell, moving right on to the next bandit.
"NINJA!" shouted one of the bandits. Sakura didn't even see Kakashi's flying kunai as he took out the possible leader of the bandits.
Sakura saw Sasuke charging into the center of the camp with Naruto following him a small distance behind. Sasuke fiercely attacked the bandits hand-to-hand, until the crowd tried to close in behind him. She watched in shock as Naruto fired off a dozen kunai in the space of a second, wiping out an equal number of bandits with ruthless efficiency, protecting Sasuke's back.
"Sakura, focus!" commanded Kakashi.
Sakura noticed a couple of bandits were charging towards them, swords drawn. They both froze at the same time, caught in Kakashi's Genjutsu. Taking a deep breath, she threw a kunai at each of them, bringing each one down with a pierced heart. She stared as they fell lifeless to the ground.
"RUN!" shouted one of the bandits.
Forcing her gaze away from the two she had killed almost in cold blood, Sakura saw the remaining bandits scatter into the trees. She built up her resolve instantly and gave chase to one of them, forgetting, in the heat of the moment, the last two hours they had spent setting up traps.
"SAKURA, NO!" shouted Kakashi and Naruto in unison.
– CS –
Sakura chased one of the fleeing bandits through the trees. She was only two meters behind the bandit, and closing fast.
Unfortunately, the bandit was running right into the ring of explosive traps.
With no direct line-of-sight to Sakura, Naruto did the only thing he could. He dashed through the woods at full speed, appeared in front of Sakura, and tackled her to the ground.
BANG! BANG BANG!
In short order, three explosive notes went off, killing the fleeing bandit instantly and throwing him backwards.
"UNGH!" grunted Naruto as the bandit's body landed on top of him and Sakura.
Sakura gave a shrill scream as her arm was broken.
Naruto planted a hand on each side of Sakura and heaved the corpse off of them, standing up. As he did, Kakashi saw how Naruto had survived unhurt. Black liquid slowly disappeared from his skin, a sign of the Earth Release Armor technique which covered the body in a layer of earth-natured chakra.
"Sakura, are you okay?" asked Naruto.
Sakura lifted her broken arm, took a look at it, and passed out.
"Let's see…" said Naruto, "broken arm, lacerations and bruising, some second-degree burns. She'll need treatment after this, but she'll be fine. We can take care of the rest of the bandits first."
Explosions rang out as several of the bandits ran into the lethal traps.
"Alright, Sasuke," ordered Kakashi, "you and me are going to take out the bandits who ran into the woods and didn't get killed by the traps. Naruto, stand watch over Sakura. Do you have enough chakra to create a couple of shadow clones to search the tents?"
In response, Naruto snorted and six shadow clones appeared next to him without a wisp of smoke. As one, they saluted jauntily and said in unison, "You got it, sensei!"
As Kakashi and Sasuke started sweeping the woods, two of the shadow clones started working on a makeshift stretcher using Naruto's hammock and a couple of straight saplings, while the other four clones slashed open the tents. A single scruffy bandit, passed out drunk, lay in one of the tents with his sword by his side. He didn't even twitch as one of the clones buried a kunai in his heart.
Fifteen minutes later, the body count was complete and Team 7 headed back to Tanzaku Gai with a bandaged Sakura on the stretcher, carried by two of Naruto's shadow clones. Naruto produced another twenty clones to dismantle the traps, surprising Kakashi, who couldn't even make ten shadow clones at once.
– CS –
"Hold on," said Naruto as Tanzaku Gai came into sight, "I'll be right back." He vanished in a Shunshin before Kakashi could say anything.
"Hn," said Sasuke, "now the dead-last has abandoned us."
"Stupid Uchiha doesn't know anything," said one of Naruto's clones.
"Yeah," agreed the other clone, "He's the one who'd be dead if the boss didn't have his back."
"You know, I think his ego is bruised," said the first clone.
"Uh-huh, that makes sense," nodded the second clone, "now that he's been shown the extent of his incompetence, he's trying to attack the boss to bring him down to the same level."
"Pretty lame if you ask me," said the first clone.
Kakashi shook his head. Trust Naruto to literally dominate a conversation when he wasn't even there. When did he learn the Shunshin anyway? That was a Chūnin-level technique.
A minute later, Naruto reappeared in a puff of smoke.
"I'm back!" said he.
Another puff of smoke revealed a woman with blonde pigtails. She wore a green haori (open Japanese coat), a jewel in the center of her forehead, and had a figure that was lauded in a thousand perverted fanfics.
"And I brought help!" said Naruto cheerily.
A third puff of smoke revealed another woman, this one with black hair and a more nondescript outfit. She was carrying a piglet.
"And more help!" said Naruto, grinning. "Everyone, this is Auntie Tsunade, this is her apprentice Shizune, and the piggy is Tauntaun. And yes, it's spelled 'Tauntaun', like the creature from Hoth, 'cause Shizune named him! Auntie, Shizune, this is the idiot I told you about, the hurt one is Pinky, and I think you've already met Kakashi-sensei."
Naruto remembered the first time he met Tsunade, two years ago.
– CS –
A ten-year-old blond boy was playing poker in a casino in the capital city of the Land of Fire. He had started with just fifty ryo (about $5 in USD) and somehow made his way up to the high-rollers table where the minimum bet was 1 million ryo.
"I'm raising my bet to 250 million," said Naruto. This was his first long trip outside of Konoha, having left several shadow clones to take his place at the Academy so he could explore the Land of Fire.
"All in," said the son of a minor Daimyo from a neighboring nation, sweating. He didn't have 250 million worth of chips.
"Raise to 260 million," said a tough-looking guy who was probably yakuza.
"Raise to 300 million," said a blonde-haired woman.
"Uh… call," said Naruto, pushing an additional pile of chips to match the bet of 300 million ryo.
"Call," said the yakuza guy. "Flush." He put down his cards, revealing that he had five cards of the same suit, but not in order.
"Dammit," said the minor Daimyo's son. "I'm out."
"Four of a kind," said the woman. "Beat that, brat!"
"Uh…" Naruto put his cards down face up, and looked to the casino owner for help, who was standing behind him and watching carefully. "What do you call this?"
"Straight flush," announced the man. "Kid wins. Again."
"Well I know when to cut my losses," said the yakuza guy, picking up his remaining chips and standing up. He left the game, leaving just two remaining players.
"This is outrageous!" shouted the woman. "The brat hasn't even memorized all the winning hands, and he hasn't lost a single hand that he didn't check!"
"I can assure you, ma'am, the boy isn't cheating. I've been watching him closely since the game started. And these cards are chakra-resistant. Even a high-level ninja would be hard pressed to cheat at this table."
"Lady Tsunade," said a harried-looking woman carrying a piglet, standing behind the blonde woman. "Please, that's enough. If you lose any more money we'll be in debt again."
Naruto frowned. "Lady Tsunade?" he asked. "As in Tsunade Senju?"
"Yeah, what of it, brat," said the now-named Tsunade.
Naruto beamed. "You're my Aunt! Your grandma was an Uzumaki, right? My mom was an Uzumaki! That makes you my Aunt! My name is Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo!"
"Hmph. Distant relation," said Tsunade.
"So what? You're still my closest relative that I know of, Auntie Tsunade."
"Don't call me that!"
"So what's your favorite ramen flavor, Auntie Tsunade?"
"Oh, it is so on, brat. One million. Deal."
– CS –
After winning the poker game, Naruto announced, "I wanna learn that game!"
And promptly won at Blackjack.
Then he won at Bingo.
Then he won at Craps.
By the end of the day, Naruto had learned ten new gambling games and gained enough money to buy a small mountain.
The casino had lost a month's worth of profits and gained a new age-restriction rule for gamblers.
Tsunade had lost all her money, forked over half a dozen IOU's to Naruto, and gained a nephew who was going to be the death of her.
"C'mon, Auntie Tsunade!" said Naruto enthusiastically, as they were leaving. "I'll buy you all the ramen you want, just tell me what your favorite flavor is!"
"I don't like ramen. It's unhealthy!"
"I don't believe you. You have Uzumaki blood. You HAVE to like ramen! It was the national food of Uzushiogakure! It's the food of the gods! Ramen makes the world go round!"
Then Naruto smiled evilly. "Hey Shizune, what's Auntie Tsunade's favorite flavor of ramen?"
"Don't. You. Dare." said Tsunade.
Shizune looked conflicted.
"HA!" shouted Naruto, correctly interpreting Shizune's expression. "I knew it! She does like ramen! Hey piggy, what's Auntie's favorite flaver of ramen? Hang on, what's piggy's name anyway?"
"It's Tauntaun," said Shizune with pride.
"Ton-ton?"
"No, no hyphen. And it's spelled T-A-U-N-T-A-U-N."
"Oh. Tauntaun." Naruto frowned for a second. "Ooooh." Then he beamed. "You're a Star Wars fan! He's named after that creature on Hoth that they ride on, right?"
Shizune smiled. "Yes, he is."
"Cool! What's your favorite Star Wars character?"
"I like several of them, but I think Shaak Ti would be my favorite."
"Hmm. Yeah, she's pretty cool, even if she's not really a big fighter unless you go by some of the non-canon material. You know, you're only the second person I've met besides me whose favorite character isn't Luke or Yoda!"
"Really? Who was the other?"
"Oh, it was actually Kyuubi! His favorite character is Darth Maul."
Tsunade and Shizune stopped walking.
"I'm sorry," said Tsunade, "did you say 'Kyuubi'?"
"As in the big nine-tailed carnivorous bunny-rabbit? Yeah, he's a HUGE Star Wars nerd. Did you know he uses the swear words from the Star Wars universe?"
"You're kidding, right?" asked Tsunade, studying his face.
"No, why would I joke about it when the truth is already funnier than anything I could come up with?"
Then Naruto noticed something.
"Hey! We got off topic! I almost forgot. So Tauntaun, what's Auntie Tsunade's favorite type of ramen?"
"Oink, oink. Oink!"
"Really, she likes it with shrimp?"
"Oink! Oink."
"Ah, sometimes chicken-and-shrimp, sometimes beef-and-shrimp." Naruto nodded. "Good choices. My favorite is actually miso ramen, but I always go for variety when I eat."
"Oink."
Naruto sweatdropped. "Uh, no, no, of course I don't! I would neeeeever eat pork ramen."
"Kid, you're pretty weird, you know that right?" said Tsunade.
"Of course! My dream is to be the best ninja in the entire world! Don't you know all the best ninja are eccentric?"
"I don't think it works that way. Normally they become eccentric after becoming outstanding ninja."
"Yeah, but Auntie, if I went about it the normal way, I'd just go from Genin to Chūnin to Jōnin to Sannin and end up as Hokage. Do I look like the kinda guy who wants to sit around doing paperwork all day? You do know I'm skiving off from the Academy right now, don't you?"
Tsunade snorted. "Kid, I think we're going to get along just fine."
– CS –
"You brought Tsunade. Of the Sannin. To heal a simple broken arm," deadpanned Kakashi.
"Well yeah, she's my Auntie! And she was in town," said Naruto.
"Moron," said Sasuke, "you don't have a family."
"Wow," said Tsunade, "he really is an idiot. Kakashi, it's good to see you again. Last time I saw you you were a tetchy little brat the same age as Naruto here. Alright, let's see about the patient."
Naruto's clones lowered Sakura's stretcher onto a smooth spot of grass. Tsunade and Shizune immediately knelt and started with diagnostic and healing jutsu, relinquishing Tauntaun to Naruto.
"Good splint, kept her arm completely immobile. Broken arm… lacerations… bruises… burns… all done! Naruto, you really have to get your chakra control up to medical-nin standards. I can't very well have my nephew running around unable to heal simple stuff like this, can I?"
"I'm trying!" said Naruto. "But my chakra keeps growing, and it's hard enough just keeping my control at the same level all the time. You know how badly I want to be able to use your super-strength."
"I suppose we'll have to wait a few years until you stop growing like a weed. Alright, let's wake her up."
Sakura groaned. "Sasuke, dear, it's too early. Get back in bed."
"If my nephew didn't tell me that you had absolutely zero chances with your 'Sasuke-dear', I'd reprimand you for not being on contraceptives." Tsunade was never one to mince words.
Sakura's eyes shot open. "Wha! Huh? Ohmygosh, the bandits! Naruto... turned into a black guy?"
"The bandit mission is complete," said Naruto, "we got them all. And it's called 'Earth Release Armor'. You coat your body in a layer of Earth-natured chakra" – he demonstrated, still holding Tauntaun – "which gives you a medium-strong defense, good enough against things like those explosive tags you nearly ran into."
Sasuke decided to weigh in again. "Dead-last, show me the hand-seals."
"Sure!" said Naruto in an overly agreeable tone. "Just give me another useful jutsu of equal rank that I don't already know, and I'll teach you the jutsu!"
"When pigs fly," said Sasuke, glancing at Tauntaun.
Shizune shook her head. "I'll never get over the fact that you do all your ninjutsu without hand-seals."
"Of course!" said Naruto. "It makes them so much more useful in battle! And besides, I'm on a team with a wannabe Sharingan user with no sense of honor. Can't have him stealing my jutsu!"
"Hn," said Sasuke. "Uchiha are above honor. Kakashi, make the idiot teach me that jutsu."
Naruto snorted and looked to see what Kakashi's response would be.
"I'm sorry," said Kakashi, reading from an orange book, "did you say something?"
Throughout all this, Sakura was watching and listening. She finally had enough.
"Excuse me," said the pink-haired girl, sitting up on the hammock-stretcher, "but… who are you two?"
"They're the ones who healed you," interjected Naruto. "This is my Aunt, Tsunade Senju, and this is Shizune Kato. She's Auntie Tsunade's apprentice."
"Tsunade… Senju? Tsunade of the Sannin?" asked Sakura, somewhat awed.
"Yes", said Tsunade. "And you, girlie, need to stop dieting, or you'll end up short, weak and ugly. You're an active ninja and a growing girl. You should be eating at least 2,000 calories per day, probably more."
"What?! But I need to look nice for Sasuke."
"And if you keep dieting, you'll end up malnourished and ugly."
"You don't know what you're talking about! Everyone knows dieting makes you look better! What kind of quack doctor are you?" Sakura's preconceived opinions superseded her logic. Her subconscious recognized this fact, and caused her to go on the attack instead of arguing rationally. This, unfortunately, does not make her unusual.
"Is she a Republican?" whispered Shizune to Kakashi.
"Reppu-what-now?" blinked Kakashi, "I don't know what that is, but it sounds vile."
– CS –
Later, Kakashi took Sakura aside and they had a very tearful, very heartfelt, and very, very standard talk about Sakura's first kill. It was not, however, life-changing, for Sakura STILL wouldn't stop dieting.
Then Kakashi took Sasuke aside and tried to have the same talk, only to run into a solid obsidian wall.
– CS –
"Dead-last, teach me that jutsu," demanded Sasuke. Team 7 was on their way back to Konoha after completing their mission.
"Didn't you hear me before? Teach me something of equal value and I'll trade. It's only fair."
"Hn. I am an Uchiha. You should be grateful, it would be an honor to teach me a jutsu."
Naruto snickered. "You just don't know any C-ranked jutsu besides the Great Fireball, do you? And you don't want to give me your signature jutsu."
"Of course I know other jutsu! I'm not an idiot like you!"
"Oh, and what other jutsu do you know that I don't?"
"… I'll just get the council to make you teach me that jutsu."
"Oh? Sakura, it looks like Sasuke likes Koharu better than you."
"WHAT?!" screamed Sakura. "That stupid, disgusting, pedophiliac, geriatric old HAG! How DARE she make a move on MY Sasuke! GRRR!" She immediately started moving faster through the trees.
Kakashi's mouth twitched under his mask as he breathed out slowly in an attempt to avoid laughing.
Naruto sighed dramatically. "Ah, to what lengths we go for new jutsu. I suppose I'll have to take pity on you and offer an alternative."
…
"And what alternative is that, idiot?" asked Sasuke impatiently.
Naruto grimaced in fake disgust. "I really don't wanna do this. Fine. Give me access to the Uchiha library for twenty-four hours so I can learn something from there, and I'll teach you the jutsu."
"Hn. Deal," said Sasuke, smirking at the thought of Naruto suffering in a library.
Daaaaaamn, thought Kakashi. We should get Naruto in the T&I department. He'd get the prisoners singing like birds and they'd be HAPPY about it.
One copy of the entire Uchiha library coming up, thought Naruto. Internally, he was laughing evilly.
– CS –
Two weeks later, Naruto strolled into an village inn on the other side of the Land of Fire.
"Auntie Tsunade! Shizune! Tauntaun! Fancy seeing you here!"
Tsunade shook her head. "Hi Naruto. How did you find us this time?"
"Well there was this weird greenish-yellow guy wearing a top hat and calling himself 'Jimney Cricket', which is funny 'cause I'm pretty sure he was a grasshopper. He said he was my conscience and told me to go here!"
"Really now. And did your 'conscience' tell you to beat me at poker again and take all my money?"
"Eh? No. Not this time at least. I actually brought a present!"
"A present?" Tsunade could be forgiven for looking a little eager. Last time Naruto brought a present, he gave Shizune a real, working lightsaber. The plasma blade was composed of three different elemental chakras: wind, fire and lightning, so it had no elemental weaknesses and could probably even cut through the Raijin.
"Yup, it's not for you though!" said Naruto.
Tsunade pouted. Shizune looked hopeful.
"It's for Tauntaun! See Tauntaun, I made you a present. Wait till you see what it does!"
Shizune's face fell. Tauntaun said, "Oink?".
"Yup," said Naruto, pulling out a bright orange box from somewhere. "Let me help you put it on."
He attached a miniature shoe to each of Tauntaun's cloven feet. Then he pulled out a set of white-feathered angel wings and strapped them to the piglet's back.
"Okay," said Naruto, "now all you have to do is jump."
"Oink?" said Tauntaun.
"Yup, jump. You'll figure out the rest."
Tauntaun jumped into the air. And stayed in the air.
"HA!" shouted Naruto, pumping his fist. "Who says pigs don't fly!"
Tsunade and Shizune just smiled as Tauntaun buzzed around their heads.
– CS –
How to be a Ninja
by Minato Namikaze
Chapter 6: Better Chakra Control = Better Ninja
Chakra control makes you better at Ninjutsu, Genjutsu, and any other art that requires the use of chakra. That's obvious. So why don't we teach anything beyond the first step of chakra control at the Academy? I don't know, it's stupid! It's one of the basics that every ninja needs to know regardless of their future specialization.
There's actually a secret many ninja don't know or don't think about: hand seals are simply a crutch to help you control your chakra. The truth is, a ninja who has FULLY mastered a jutsu can control the chakra going into the jutsu without any hand seals at all. This takes an immense amount of practice in order to get the 'muscle memory', so to speak, down perfectly. When this is done, you can spam out jutsu faster than anybody else in the world, use less chakra for each technique, and strike with absolutely no warning about what's coming. Just make sure you don't yell your jutsu's name before striking, because that would defeat the purpose.
The Bijuu, the infamous tailed demons that used to roam the Elemental Nations before they were sealed in human hosts, actually don't use hand seals or any equivalent crutch when fighting. They just spam out fire, wind, lightning, etc., even Bijuudama (Tailed-Beast Balls), their ultimate technique, using sheer chakra control. Although, being the un-subtle creatures they are, some of them like the One-Tailed Racoon-dog are known to actually shout their technique names, as stupid as it is.
Have you heard of the Rasengan, one of my signature jutsu? It's actually a pure chakra-control jutsu. There are no hand-seals for it. It could even be categorized as a chakra-control exercise.
In fact, if your chakra control is good enough, you can actually perform jutsu with parts of your body other than your hands. You could hit someone with a lightning jutsu while kicking them. Or untie yourself using wind blades from your forearm instead of your fingers. I'm still working on forming a Rasengan using my foot.
Section (a): Leaf Sticking
This is the only chakra control exercise that is more or less useless in real life. So if you get bored with this one, stick it out until you've mastered this and can get to exciting stuff!
You probably know this already 'cause it's the one Academy standard exercise. You take a leaf and use your chakra to stick it to your forehead. If it gets blown off your forehead, you're using too much chakra. If it slides down your face and falls off, you're using too little.
I would consider this exercise mastered when you can hold a dozen leaves on various parts of your body (face, arms, hands, legs) without straining yourself.
Section (b): Tree Walking
Woo-hoo! This one is fun. You can walk on vertical surfaces as if they were the ground. You can even walk upside-down on the ceiling. It's a good control exercise because your feet are furthest from your chakra core, making it harder to push and control chakra to that location than anywhere else.
In principle, it's just like the leaf-sticking exercise, except you're sticking yourself to a tree instead of sticking a leaf to yourself. Use too little, and you just slide off and fall. Use too much, and you blast away from the tree. There's an additional trick: in order to move around, you have to turn on and off the chakra flow to each foot when you want to lift a foot and move.
I would consider this exercise mastered when you can spar on a tree or wall, or upside-down on a ceiling.
What many people don't notice is that the tree-walking exercise actually uses chakra to enhance the muscles in your legs. Normally, it would be rather difficult on your calf muscles to stand on a tree, especially walking upwards: your toes are sticking to the tree and your heel is pushing down. Simple physics means that the muscles on the front of your calf have high tension in order to keep you from falling backwards, as well as the quadriceps (front of your thigh) and abdominals, to a lesser extent. Since you're already channeling chakra through your legs, you may not notice these things.
When you've mastered tree-walking, try using it on the ground. It's AMAZING. You'll suddenly find yourself faster and stronger. You'll have no more problems with sliding around on the ground when you make a sudden start or stop. The next thing you know, you'll be wanting to skip ahead to Chapter 7, section (a): Channeling Chakra into Body Parts. But don't, because you need better chakra control first in order to avoid exploding random parts of your body.
Section (c): Water Walking
Walking on water requires… faith. Lots and lots of faith in Jesus.
Just kidding! Channel a constant stream of chakra through your feet into the water. You actually need to focus on three things with your chakra at the same time: first, create enough surface tension to hold up your body. Second, make your foot stick to a chunk of water so your feet don't just slide out from under you, like you would if you were standing on a fun noodle. And third, constantly monitor and correct the amount of chakra you're pushing out in order to account for the flowing water.
I suggest you start with a bathtub full of still water, and try creating surface tension with your hand instead of your foot. It's easier to get the concept down. And do practice with other parts of your body, so you can do flips and rolls while fighting on top of water.
You've mastered this exercise when you can spar on water without losing concentration on your spar.
Section (d): Kunai Spinning
This is a Konoha standard Jōnin level exercise. Float a kunai vertically above your hand using chakra. Don't let it blow away, and don't let it fall onto your hand. Start with the sharp end points at the sky until you've mastered that, then flip it around so you have to focus your chakra on a smaller surface, the point itself. Eventually, you'll be able to make the kunai actually spin while floating it vertically above your hand.
You've mastered this exercise when you can float and spin one kunai above each of your fingers on both hands at the same time.
When you've mastered this, try throwing a kunai at a tree while channeling a bit of extra chakra to give it an extra push after it's left your hand. You'll automatically enhance your throwing arm with chakra, and let's just say the results are totally badass. Your control is now good enough to move on to Chapter 7: Chakra Makes Everything Better, and start channeling chakra into your body parts.
But don't! Because the rest of this chapter is even cooler!
Section (e): Freestyle Shape Manipulation
It's exactly what it sounds like. You control your chakra to form any shape you want, in order to do anything you want, within the limits of your chakra capacity. You can even do this with elemental chakra in order to set things on fire, zap stuff with lighning, and more!
First example, and this is one that is actually popular in the ninja world: Chakra Strings. You make a string out of your chakra and basically use it to reach out and do telekinesis. It's cool. Just be wary of people with Doujutsu and strong chakra sensing abilities, who may be able to cut your chakra strings.
Funnily enough, I can't find any other example of freestyle shape manipulation in the ninja world. So I made my own: the Rasengan (Spiralling Sphere).
Channel some chakra into your palm, and cause it to spin and whirl in many different directions at once, and contain it in a shell of chakra to keep all those chaotic whirling streams of chakra in a sphere.
I've come up with three steps to make it easier to learn this technique. First, hold a water balloon in your hand and use chakra to whirl the water in many directions, causing the balloon to burst.
Second, do the same thing with a rubber ball using just chakra and no water. You'll have to put a lot more power into it in order to get the ball to explode.
Third, put the same amount of power you used in the second step, but keep it contained in a shell of chakra. It helps to use a balloon filled with air in order to tell you when you've made a mistake and failed to keep it contained.
This technique is extremely destructive when used to strike anything. It's been classified as an A-rank jutsu even though it's technically more of a chakra control exercise.
And I still want to do more with it! I want to be able to kick people with a Rasengan formed on my feet. I want to be able to wield it on the end of a chakra string and turn it into a medium-range technique. And I want to create elemental chakra versions of the Rasengan! Imagine how much destructive power you could contain in a fire-natured Rasengan… you could then use a chakra string to throw it at an opponent, and suddenly people would no longer look to Iwa for explosives experts.
I encourage you to come up with your own applications of shape manipulation. See if you can surpass the Rasengan.
Section (f): Sensing Foreign Chakra
Okay, this is a bit off the ball, but this actually does fall into the category of chakra control. By focusing on your chakra, which you've learned to do in all of the chakra control exercises, you can tell the difference between yours and other peoples' chakra. You can even extend your senses around you and 'feel' the chakra of other people, animals, plant life, and even ninjutsu attacks.
It's best to start with some meditation. Block out all your other senses and focus on just your sixth sense of chakra. Feel your own chakra, then focus on the distinction between yours and the chakra around you.
This is actually a Konoha Jōnin standard technique: it's so useful that every Jōnin is required to use it to be able to sense hidden attackers and ambushes. So you can find more information on it in the Ninja Library.
This is also how you detect Genjutsu: you focus your senses on your own chakra pathways, and if there is foreign chakra in your system, you're under a mind-affecting Genjutsu.
You can also suppress your chakra within your body, preventing it from escaping in order to keep other people from sensing you. Again, practice while meditating without any other distractions.
Section (g): All About Hand Seals
When learning jutsu, teaching jutsu, and inventing jutsu, it's usually practical to make use of hand seals for molding chakra and changing its purpose, nature, and shape. Below I've listed all the hand seals I know of, their purposes and uses, and other tricks of the trade.
i. Twelve Standard Seals
ii. Non-standard Seals
iii. Create Your Own Hand Seal Jutsu
iv. One-Handed Sealing
v. Reducing the Number of Seals for a Jutsu
vi. Seal-less Execution of Hand Seal Jutsu
vii. Disguising Jutsu Using the Wrong Hand Seals