Lance is playing with my still damp hair from our shower, as we lay next to each other in the bed.It's weird laying next to him, but he insisted, using aftercare as an excuse.
I know he's just doing it for me, so I don't lay here and let my anxieties cause more guilt to build in me over Carson.
Instead I feel awkward like I was in Jr. high not knowing how to lay so intimately close with the opposite sex.
Like where do I put my hand? Just across his chest? His stomach? Is my head cutting the circulation off in his arm? He keeps messing with my hair... I probably need to get my ends trimmed....
Thankfully, he grabbed me close, like he always does, not giving me to much of an option on how to arrange my body.
I needed to break the silence in the room though.
"So, that was fun..." I say, clearing my throat quickly. "Did you enjoy yourself?"
"Of course. The sex is always great with you. How are you doing though otherwise?" Lance asks, pulling his head back to look at my face.
I shy away from his gaze and start fidgeting with drawing circles on his stomach with my fingers. "As well as could be expected. Considering. Things didn't work out between me and him, but I never would have wanted him to be hurt let alone...." I stop and take a breath, "die. Even though it seems to be an accident, I can't help but feel a little guilty. He must have been hit, not too long after he left here." I stop talking out loud, not able to say the thoughts that were now running through my head.
He was probably hit, hurting, bleeding out, crying for help, for anyone, while I was just soaking in my tub. Clueless to his pain, clueless to the fact he was dying not far away from me. I wonder why he wrote that letter and never gave it to me though? Now I guess, I will never find out why. His last minutes before death and he was hurt and all alone. All because he came by to return the earrings and apologize, to me.
It's my fault, it's always my fault...
Tears creep out of eyes, even though I'm fighting them hard, they begin to just flow silently. I do my best to keep myself relaxed, to not give it away, but I can feel the sobs tensing up my arms and chest, ready to give me away.
I jump up and go to the bathroom to the toilet and sit down on the toilet, wiping my eyes and trying to pull myself back together.
Stop crying, Lirael! Tears don't make anything better again! Tears don't prove anything to anyone other than you're weak!
You can not be weak anymore! You are in control of your self and your life now! Just stop crying!
I mentally scold myself, wiping my face and flushing the toilet and washing my face with some cool water to hide the tears. I take a steady breath and head back to the bed.
"Tired? Ready to get some rest?" Lance asks, pulling the blankets open and motioning for me to join him.
I know he can tell I was crying, but I'm so grateful that he doesn't mention it at this moment.
"Yeah, I am beat." I say crawling in next to him and laying on my side facing away.
He covers me up and then cuddles up behind me, wrapping me up in his arms. I'm frozen in his arms. I don't know how to handle this, this affection he's showing me.
"Relax, Lirael. It's just me." Lance yawns, "Get some sleep. We both need it."
Easy for you to say. I'm not used to being hugged like a damn teddy bear.
I sigh and shuffle the best I can to get comfortable and try to get some sleep.
-
"Well hello there, Lirael." Billy caresses my face and I immediately struggle. Terror fills my soul.
I can't move and can't get up. He has me tied up, again. Panic starts to rise up in me.
"Billy, let me out. Please?" I beg him.
"Oh, what you don't want to be a good girl and have some fun?" He croons, his hand grips my hair, pulling my face closer to his. I cry out in pain, feeling some of the hairs being ripped from my skull, and whimper in terror.
"No, I'll be a good girl, I promise!" I try to assuage his anger building in his eyes, trembling and shaking in fright.
He chuckles like the wicked villain he is. "Oh I know you will be a good girl, once I'm through with you." He tosses my head back down and stands up with his belt in hand.
Trembling in fear so great, my heart racing, and my breathing erratic, I try to brace myself for what's to come.
"Open your eyes and look at me!" Billy shouts, but his voice sounds different.
Looking up, Carson stands there with the belt in his hand, Billy right next to him. Shock accompanies my terror.
"Carson?! No, you're alive! Oh Carson! I'm so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you like I did! Nothing was wrong with you! It wasn't you! It was me that was not worth loving!" I cry out, tears falling heavily from my eyes.
Carson stands there looking blankly at me, with the belt in his hand. "I know."
He brings the belt down across my thighs, making me scream out in terror as Billy laughs.
"OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT ME!" Carson shouts as the belt comes down again.
"NO!" I shout as Carson hands the belt to Billy, now I'm struggling with all my might to get away.
"Are you ready for this, Lirael? Your punishment?" He brings his hand up high preparing to strike.
"LIRAEL! OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT ME!" He shouts his voice sounding distorted.
I can hear Lance's voice now too. "Lirael! Wake up! Open your eyes!"
Billy swings the belt down and I cry out bracing for the pain.
_
My eyes pop open and it's Lance I see, "Lirael! Wake up.. oh thank goodness!" He backs off from me as I struggle to sit up, sobbing uncontrollably, trying to catch my breath.
"I.. can't... breathe..." I struggle to say, feeling sick to my stomach. Clutching my mouth, I stumble to the bathroom and heave bile and mucus up heavily into the toilet, still sobbing in between my heaving. I clutch my chest at the pain, the panic still fresh in my mind as I cry out in agony.
I rock back and forth, trying to catch my breath in between the choked sobs and retching. I start coughing, clearing my airways, gagging some more before I start to calm down.
I feel a hand softly touch my shoulders, and immediately I flinch and turn to face who it is.
"Hey, it's okay. It's just me. Here, drink some water for your throat." He offers me a glass of water, but keeps his distance from me, seeing my state of panic.
I start to cry harder again, hiding my face from him. I can hear his sigh, the clink of the glass on the counter, and his footsteps that go away for a moment and come back. I open my eyes and see he has my robe in his hands.
"Here let me put this on you." He says gently.
I take a breath and hold it, nodding in the small space of silence. He wraps the robe around me, letting me slide my arms in, and then grabs a wash cloth and wets it.
He hands me the water again. "Here take a drink. Then I will help you clean up your face. Okay? You're okay now. You're safe with me." He gets down on his knees, and I take the drink and rinse my mouth first, before taking a drink.
He waits for me to drink all I want before I close my eyes so I don't have to look into his as he cleans my face.
He's gentle as he wipes my eyes first, then my mouth and nose.
"Blow, get it all out." He says, holding the cloth to my nose, making me open my eyes up at him in question.
"It's just snot, Lirael, no big deal." He gives me a light smile, before I blow my nose. He folds the cloth in half and finishes wiping at my nose.
Once I'm cleaned up, he helps me up to my feet and grabs some headache pills from my medicine cabinet and has me take them.
"Thanks." I mumble, after I take them. He has me sitting on the bed with him now, both of us in a heavy silence. He's letting me keep my distance as I calm down.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He turns to me and opens his arms, "Or I can just hold you in my arms, safely, and I will not bring it back up?" He waits as I decide and I see the smirk that passes over his face for a mere second as I fling myself into his arms and clutch him tightly.
I feel incredibly vulnerable, but at this moment, I don't care.