"Lirael!"
I'm snapped from my thoughts by Lance, who raises a brow in question at me, like he's waiting for an answer.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."
"You seem a little out of it, did you want to leave?" Lance asks.
I sigh and shrug, "No, sorry. I was just lost in thought. Let's finish looking at the exhibits."
We walk together, more subdued than before, and thankfully not holding hands again.
In the car, on the way back to my place, I can feel the questions arising in the air between us. It's a heavy silence that rolls into my drive way, and it grows heavier as we enter my house.
"Thanks for taking me to the aquarium, I enjoyed it." I finally break the silence between us.
"Not a problem, glad you enjoyed it." He gives me a grim smile before asking me, "Are you hungry? I can cook us up something, or we can order something?"
Feeling the tension start to lessen between us at that, I suggest, "Well let's see what I have in my kitchen and we can go from there?" I give him a smile before heading into the kitchen.
We agreed on making some chicken and rice with a salad, begin to set things up to cut and cook, when I noticed the heaviness in the air again.
I decide to just ask him what's wrong.
"You.."
"I.."
We both start at the same time. We both give a light laugh.
"I'm sorry, you go first." He says as he filets the chicken breasts.
"You wanna tell me what is on your mind?" I ask him, as I ready the rice cooker.
He continues focusing on the chicken, before letting out an loud, long, audible breath. "I'm finding it hard how to word what I want to talk about correctly, so you don't misunderstand me."
He places the chicken in the hot pan and begins to wash the cutting board and his hands.
"Well, why don't you just say what's on your mind, if it comes out wrong, at least I know now that it's not intentional. I'm perfectly capable of letting you try to explain what you mean." I begin to wash the vegetables for our salad, focusing on them as he turns back to the chicken.
"I'd like to continue this, what we have going on between us. I have fun with you, in and out of the bedroom, and I want to possibly take things farther."
WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!
I drop the cucumber I was washing off in the sink in my astonishment and turn around to look him in the eye, preparing to scrutinize what he has to say, as he explains what he means.
"I don't mean a relationship like what my mother wants of us, okay, Lirael? Please, don't give me that look, I told you I was having trouble trying to articulate what I'm thinking." Lance reminds me.
I shake my head, "You're right, I'm sorry. Please explain further."
I put on my best poker face, waiting all ears to hear what he means.
"I think our friendship makes us understand each other in the majority of situations we have found ourselves in over the past few years. Recently, with our scenes, I've found that I trust you, completely, and I want to see how far we can go with that. Try and experiment desires we both have, that may push our comfort zone. Since we know each other so well, we could tell if we need to turn it down, or completely stop a scene. I don't mean just us, exclusively, either. I don't care about your friend, Kim, or even if you decide to dominate another man. Hell, I'd like to be present or even join, IF, you would allow me to, but I would not require that of you. I'd offer the same opportunity with anything I might do with someone else as well." He says this all quickly, leaving him taking a few breaths and reading my face for a reaction, finding none before he continues.
"I'm sorry about the situation that arose from my uncle and mother, but I want to add that my mother's health this past week has been improving. She's smiling more, seems more lively, and I want to continue seeing her like that. I know you don't like lying to her, and it makes you portraying a relationship uncomfortable because of your past, but I'd appreciate it if we keep this going for her sake. For my sake too, it's nice to see my mother smile about something when she's going through all this." He flips the chicken over in the pan, opens the spice cabinet and begins to add some flavor to the browning chicken.
"I..."
I don't know what the fuck to even say to answer that?!
"I think I need some time to consider what you are asking." I rub my forehead with my fingers, trying to wrap my head around just the information he's given me so far.
"Yeah, of course, take your time." Lance still is facing the stove, taking care of the chicken, but his shoulders have eased down with less tension.
I turn back to the vegetables and continue cutting while I think.
So he wants to continue what we've been doing? Is he referring to just the sex or this whole.... sex and intimacy we've been experiencing? He mentioned that he had no problem with me having a contract with Kim, or even another man. That he'd be willing to participate... That could get interesting... and fun.
I toss the cut vegetables and lettuce together and set it on the table, still thinking, as I finish up setting the table.
It would be an easy contract to set up between us, except for the last part. At least he's aware that I'm not comfortable telling lies to his mother, or about portraying being in a relationship. Although... I admit that he's right. Today she looked so much better than when I met her on Monday. Wow, it's really only been five days?! However, how long could we end up lying to his mom or put on a charade?
What would this do to our friendship if things go south? If I couldn't go to the club anymore? Would I be stuck with my contacts from the club introducing me to others? Or worse? Actually have to take the risk of being in a relationship with someone? Being open to let them see me, all of the ugly, twisted, and messed up parts of me. Who would want to stay with someone like me?
The last thought alone has me shaking as I pull clinking glasses down from the cabinet. I struggle to calm my hands, closing my eyes and placing my palms down on the counter to take a few breaths.
A steadying warmth envelopes me from around my back to lay upon my hands.
My heart rate starts to slow down, and I take in one last deep breath. My eyes flutter open and Lance has wrapped his body around mine and taken ahold of the glasses.
I blink a few times before releasing my hold on the glasses. Lance takes them and puts them on the table and comes back for the chicken. His warmth is gone and I feel it's loss.
"Is the rice done?" He asks, as he plates the chicken.
"Yes." I snap out of it and move the rice to the table.
Lance pours us each a glass of wine, while I scoop a portion of rice and salad for each of us. Dinner is quiet at first but Lance breaks the silence, asking me about the exhibits at the aquarium. We discuss the interesting fish and plants we looked at earlier. After dinner I've become relaxed again, enjoying my time with Lance as we wash dishes and joke around, flicking water at each other like kids.
My phone starts ringing so we try and behave, until I pick it up.
"It's officer Jenkins." I glance up at Lance, concerned.