It all feels so boring and worthless to me.
I don't feel like I belong anymore. This deep dark hole where my heart used to be, how can I possibly fill it?
"Your heart's still there, Arien...."
Remembering what my brother said to me after I asked him a similar question back when I was still in high school.
"You may not know what it is you're looking for now.... but I promise, later in life.... or even in another life...."
"...when you least expect it... your heart will beat like never before." As he spoke, his eyes became red, and tears began to pour along with the rest of my family.
'Something that I'm looking for?' I didn't quite understand what he meant by it at the time.
Our conversation ended. Silence filled the hospital room, with nothing but the beeping of the equipment that was connected to him. The pressure in his hand holding mine, was beginning to lessen. An elongated tone soon followed after.
...
Staring out the plane window, I felt near my eyes with my hand for any tears.... None.... A new path lay before me as the plane lands smoothly at my destination.
Making my way through the airport exit alone, stepping foot into a country I've never visited before with nothing but my pants, shoes, shirt, leather jacket and the bag on my back.
There were a few curious stares directed at me, I can't necessarily fault them considering I am a foreigner visiting Tokyo for the first time. I have to say, this architecture is kinda cool to see in person.
After letting my eyes wander, I remembered what my mother asked. I take my phone out of my pocket and message her that I finally arrived in Japan.
"She really needn't worry but I'll humor her."
With that taken care of, I continue walking down the first road I come across and watch as my journey unfolds.
...
my name is Arien Osred, a lost 21-year-old man on a journey to mend his broken soul.
Let's start from the beginning and lead up till my departure.
I was born into a semi-stable family in a town surrounded by forest in the northern United States.
Ever since I was little, I was often considered 'gifted' or a 'jack of all trades', because of my ability to exceed in whatever I set my mind to and remember any teachings I've had.
In elementary, I aced every assignment and test without giving too much effort. I wasn't just mentally strong either, I was also one of the fastest and strongest kids in school, so I naturally did well in sports. (Although, it was only little league, so I won't boast about that.)
During those days, maybe 2 to 3 times a week, my parents would be gone until late at night because of work. We weren't the wealthiest family, but we got by. my eldest brother, Nick, would be the one to take care of us during those times.
He'd cook, go on shopping runs, and take care of all the house chores. Along with all the responsibilities on his shoulders, he even had himself a girlfriend.
He was the ideal big brother. However, after his graduation, he would leave to pursue his own life Some might find his decision selfish. But hey, we all have to leave the nest at some point.
My parents tried hiring a babysitter, but after some valuable items mysteriously disappeared it wasn't an option anymore.
Now in junior high, with two parents about to self-destruct from overwork and no other option. I took it upon myself to be the one to take care of myself and my 3 younger siblings. The youngest being Lise, Ethan, and then Adrin.
Convenience store food was a 'no go' for me, so I learned how to cook by following the directions my mother would leave behind when she wasn't home to do the cooking herself.
The grocery store was a far walk so I didn't do any grocery runs at this point in time, but other daily life chores and tasks I did take care of; including doing laundry, washing the dishes, making sure the kids go to sleep at a reasonable time and make sure they get up for school, etc.
I took care of it all, and without it hindering my academic teachings. However, I couldn't fit my sports activities into the timeframe so those had to stop.
Now into high school, things progressed at the same pace, except now I had my permit and a cheap car my father bought me. With the car I drove myself and my siblings to and from school, took them to their extracurricular activities, and I made grocery shopping trips when my parents couldn't.
After reading, some might argue that repetition and consistency are the reasons why I seem so amazing.
While those factors do play a part, among other things I am capable of adapting to any situation. I can learn and comprehend at a faster rate than most and memorize teachings of multiple things and hold onto that knowledge over time.
I was like some brainiac superhero.
Here's one example.
My father is a fan of the outdoors, so we would occasionally go hunting during the appropriate seasons and even go camping twice a year when he had free time.
In those little time slots, I learned how to operate a rifle, gut an animal, start a fire, basically how to survive if ever should I be lost in a forest alone.
Because of the fact we were in the forest, that's also where I learned how to drive because according to my father, "The forest doesn't have police to pull you over, so I'll let you drive. Just don't crash my truck."
Even after not going to the forest for several years, I still remember those teachings to this day.
Tragedy would strike my family during my high school years as Nick, although still fairly healthy, would end up in and out of the hospital for weeks after becoming aware that he was in the late stages of cancer.
Nick would then pass away in the hospital. After it happened my younger brother Ethan would be hit by it the most. But I'd rather not go into detail about that.
2 years of my family grieving would pass until my graduation.
I graduated high school at 17 with above average grades. During that summer I taught my younger siblings all the housework duties, because following after that summer I decided I would go to college.
I took some random unfamiliar courses in psychology, business and martial arts. I also took like 3 other classes in basic subjects, but they were so boring I hardly remember them.
After a year of being in college but having no particular career or academic goal in mind, I dropped out without hesitation. I found college absurdly boring and didn't want to be there anymore.
After wasting my parents' money for a pitiful year in college and having to move back to live with them.
I figured I could at least repay them for the trouble, but just getting some normal job wouldn't be efficient enough.
So, I started reading and doing research on my phone, looking into ways I could make alot of money without a degree.
A "high risk, high reward" investing solution came up that I thought could be possible.
After debating for a while, I took the risk; I sold my old beat-up car so I could afford a cheap laptop. Yes, that car was very old, it was a 2001 Sedan It sold for a whopping 1200 dollars.
I began investing in various stocks, and after just a few months, it was successful.
I made far more than I initially intended. I bought my family a new house, took them on trips and vacations that helped them clear their minds and move on a little too.
I even went as far as to help relatives who were having financial problems. They appreciated and praised me for it.
After paying my parents back I resolved to get myself situated, I moved towns and got myself my own house and a 'better' car. Had a group of people that I hung out with from time to time, I even managed to get myself a girlfriend. And for two years everything would be flowing smoothly.
Some would say I was living the dream.
Alas, after everything I did and everything that was out of my control in all of those years, I hardly felt accomplished.
It all felt so boring and simple to me.
Why?