I told my life story from the outside up till now but allow me to dive deeper into what was in my mind over these last years.
Up until I was about 12 years old in middle school, I was an average kid that was capable of expressing myself. But over time as the years passed, emotions were becoming distant, and I could only ever think logically and realistically for myself, without the influence of what was in my heart.
I was still able to understand the emotions of others by reading their body language and speech patterns, albeit I couldn't express them myself.
Occasionally I could feel some emotions like guilt, loneliness, or frustration. But I could never express them and show what it is I'm feeling on my face.
But no matter what I always felt bored.
After slowly losing my emotions, I proceeded to find everything that I'd accomplished worthless. The happiness I once felt, became forced. Familial love wasn't there anymore, although I respect my family, I couldn't say I love them and mean it from the heart.
Whatever I once thought was beautiful, became some trivial factor to me.
I couldn't look forward with excitement to the things I used to enjoy.
But while I felt none of those for myself, those that were around me would praise me for my talents and gifts. And that just made me feel emptier.
Because of this, I didn't want to be in first place anymore. So instead of pushing forward to be the best, I performed just well enough so I wouldn't gather too much attention to myself.
A prime example would be when I graduated high school, I made sure to avoid the top spot so I wouldn't have to deal with all the praise when I couldn't feel truly happy or proud of it.
Seeing my graduating class all smiling and patting each other on the back, just made me feel left out.
I just stood there, feeling a sense of solitude while surrounded by happy faces.
However, I still wore a fake smile to hide myself for the sake of my parents. I thought 'It'll be better if they think I'm still just their happy child.' I can't feel their sympathy, so I saw no point in them needing to worry about my wellbeing. When the attention was on me I had a fake smile, but otherwise, a blank expression would always be on my face.
It would also just be better to not have them worry about yet another one of their kids.
But after the tragedies, my parents began getting more involved with my sibling's lives as well as mine. I continued hiding behind a facade, but it wasn't enough. A few times they noticed me looking unhappy, and they came to the conclusion that I was Depressed and had me do therapy.
I found it pointless and boring after the therapists only did their job of asking empty prewritten questions that were of no help at all; I was just given antidepressants and sent off on my way.
I never took them though since drugs do nothing but numb the pain until you simply forget it's there. At least, those are my thoughts on the matter of those pills.
I also had no reason to numb the pain with drugs when it would already numb itself over time, and the thought of taking my own life never crossed my mind. Zero attempts were made by me because I came to my own conclusion that 'Suicide is a boring way to go out.'
Don't mistake my claim. I know the matter of suicide is a serious subject for most, and I can understand why. I knew others had their own struggles and just couldn't take it anymore. But I'm speaking for myself, I didn't want to just simply end my life, by way of pills or other methods.
It wasn't that the thought of death scared me and I made it an excuse to keep me from suicide. Death was never a fear of mine in the first place. I just figured 'if it's my time to go, then it's my time, but I won't be the one to decide when that'll be.'
...
With boredom and unfulfillment being all that was left inside me.
I tried to accomplish more things, pick up other hobbies and learn other skills, whether miscellaneous or useful, to try and get that sincere feeling I felt before. But I made sure to keep most of them from my family to avoid getting praised.
Alas, I felt nothing while continuously gaining endless information like a robot.
While there wasn't anything that could fill the void. Back then, there was still one thing that I could still somewhat enjoy that gave me a sense of adventure. And those were video games.
Playing as a character that went on endless adventures until they eventually achieve their main goal and feel like the king of the world.
I wished I could have a similar life like those in fantasy.
I'm sure some share that feeling.
However, video games would soon become another thing of mine that I lost taste for.
I just became colder and numb to everything.
Hopelessly lost.
...
But...
If what my dear older brother Nick said was true. Then maybe, I can eventually feel again, and I can cringe, fear, cry, get angry, and laugh.
To be able to live a life that I can be proud of with happiness that will last in my soul forever.
But to find what my brother was talking about; I could no longer stay in the same place. There was no point in my staying in the U.S. when it had nothing left to offer me.
I could hardly be around my family when they were so content with their lives, and here I am feeling so distant from them. All alone not being able to share their emotions.
...
So now here I am, at the international airport. Beginning to set out on my journey.
"You be careful, okay. don't get involved with shady people." My mother warned me.
"Oh, don't worry honey, he's smart and he took a martial arts class in college remember?" My father tries to give her some comfort.
"I seem to remember he dropped out of that same college." my mother rebuts
"I'm standing right here you know."
"Even so, you know how gifted he is. I'm sure he could take down a tiger if he wanted to!" he exclaims.
"Dad, that's unrealistic just stop."
I just stood there blank-faced waiting for their ridiculous conversation to stop.
"I'll be fine. You really don't need to worry, mom."
"I'm your mother, it's my job to worry. Especially when my son is going far away where I can't reach him." she spoke forcefully.
"Alright, whatever you- Huuh!"
My little brother and sister blindsided me with squeezing hugs.
"You'll come back, right?" Lise asked with worry in her voice.
"...Yes, I'll be back. Although, I don't know when that'll be; I could be back next week or next year. I honestly couldn't tell you."
"Well.... you better make sure to come back soon, okay?" Adrin demanded.
I force out a weak chuckle. "Hehe, okay Adrin. You got it."
"While I'm gone you guys make sure to remember what I taught you. And don't give mom and dad a hard time."
They both nodded simultaneously with their faces buried in my chest.
I was the one who helped raise them into who they are today, I can understand that they're feeling sad about this.
After a minute of hugging me, they finally let go. Wiping the tears from their eyes.
Father hands me my bag.
"Alright, I'm off."
"Remember what I said! And be sure to message me when you get there!" My mother's voice rose with every step I took.
"And bring us back some souvenirs!" my father says jokingly. Lise and Adrin yell in agreement per his request.
Not looking back or saying anything more, I simply raised my arm signaling that I heard them.
This family is too good for me. I can't say I deserve them. But I guess, at the least, I have something to come back to.
...
Spontaneously deciding to travel at the drop of a hat, isn't something most are able to do. But with all the money I've made so far and the small number of trivial problems, it was an easy decision.
The stocks I've been involved with. I simply sold them all.
I tried teaching my father about them, but he was so confused looking at the sheer amount of numbers I would deal with on one screen, that I couldn't really teach it to him.
My mother, on the other hand, was able to grasp how it all worked.
So, I left it in her hands.
I left my house to be sold and left my car parked at my parents' place
A few days before now, I had broken the news to my girlfriend...
...
Before I continue, allow me to explain how she became my girlfriend.
It was back when I first got my new place and was in a friend group when I met her.
We would talk during the group hangouts but eventually started spending 1 on 1 time together.
I only saw her as a friend during that time, but I knew she was developing feelings for me.
After hanging out for a while longer, she confessed. Not wanting to lead her on I rejected her.
She wanted to know why.
Without really having a reason to lie, I explained what was truthfully going through my head, revealing my empty side.
She was the first person I've ever talked to about my well-being.
After talking about everything, I was expecting her to yell at me and leave the group. That'd seem like the reasonable thing for her to do.
But to my surprise she just embraced me, saying how she was sorry and felt guilty for not noticing what I was going through.
"You were feeling this lonely, while still being mindful of others."
"You really don't need to feel bad about this."
"How could I not, I said I liked you, yet I hardly even know you."
"Well... I couldn't feel anything within myself, and although it frustrated me a bit. I wasn't going to just turn into a jerk."
"Well, I'm glad about that."
I stood there with a blank expression with my arms at my sides, not really sure how to react to this situation.
She backed off and then grabbed both of my hands. "Listen Arien." She looked me in the eyes.
"I want to be there for you and help you heal."
"I told you, I-" "Can't feel anything... Yes, I know that. But I still want to help you."
"But why?" "Because even though you told me your story. Even though it hurt hearing that you could probably never feel the same about me. My heart still beats strongly for you."
"That's a bit naive and impulsive, don't you think? You might not gain anything from this."
"I don't care... Besides, from what I've gathered you've forgotten what's like to be led by what your heart wants, right?"
"...Yes."
"Well, here's an example." She hugs me once again.
We stood there in silence as she hugged me...
(How could you possibly accept someone like me?...)
"...Alright, I'll let you try and heal me. But only because I know you're stubborn and will likely keep insisting on helping me."
She suddenly grabs my shoulders and pushes back. "Hey now, what happened to the nice guy?" She asked jokingly.
"That was an act."
"Eh. Maybe so, but I still enjoyed the fake you..." She embraces me once more even tighter than before.
"...But I can't wait to see the real you."
...
A few months later now back to being a few days before my flight, I sat Maya down at the table in the home we've been living together in for the past few months. And informed her of my decision.
"I wish you told me that you were planning to leave sooner."
"I'm sorry..."
"...And you really think it's best we break up?"
"Yes. I think it's best for you to stop wasting part of your life on me and go find someone who can share your happiness."
"But-" "But nothing..."
She falls back into her shell.
The truth will hurt her, but she doesn't need me.
"Listen, Maya, you're a very sincere person, and I respect you for that... But you should know by now that I'm still in the same state I was in just as the day I met you."
"I- I know, I guess I just needed to hear it..."
Silence fills the room once more.
"I'm sorry. I really thought I could help you, Arien."
"For what it's worth. Thank you."
...
"Since I'll be gone for a while, I've also decided that I'm going to sell the house, just so you know."
"It's ok, I understand that this was your house to begin with, so I don't have a problem with it."
"Okay, will you move back in with your parents?"
"No."
"Do you have somewhere to stay?"
"I do, but I wouldn't want to trouble them."
"Alright, then I'll help you find a suitable apartment and give you 3 months' worth of rent so you can get yourself situated."
"Okay."
...
"...You know." she speaks once more.
"Hmm?"
"You say you feel nothing but here you are making sure I can start again without you. But why?"
"Well... I don't really know either. I guess I just feel obligated to."
"Huh, I think maybe you've made a bit more progress than you think."
"Maybe so."
After going through all that and getting her settled in her new apartment. I apologized to her once more and left.
...
A few days later, back to present day in the airport.
"I wonder if she'll move on pretty quickly, she'll have friends by her side, so she'll be fine."
I had messaged some of the friends we both knew and explained the situation, so she wouldn't be alone.
How ironic for the loneliest person to make sure someone else isn't lonely.
"I wasn't really expecting them to curse me so many times."
After I messaged them, they proceeded to curse me, delete my number, and block me on every social media platform.
"It was to be expected, I guess I don't have any friends now... It's fine though, although I feel a bit bad about it, it's not like I was fond of them during that time I knew them."
If anything, I feel more guilty about using Maya. It was a bad idea to bring her into my life like that, but I was hoping that maybe it could bear fruit...
"But it's fine, now she won't have to waste her life making memories with me. That I won't be able to look back on and be proud of."
I take a deep breath and exhale as I'm now sitting on my plane.
I'm sorry for leaving those of you that care for me, but I just want to be able to express myself and feel alive again alongside you.
I'll travel this world with an open mind, in search of a beauty that can bring light back to my soul. And when I do, I'll come back.