ENYEOK
With my heart in my throat, I kicked off my shoes and dared to open the front door of my home and take my first step inside.
"Is that you, honey?"
I violently flinch at my mother's voice, one of my hands involuntarily going up to my chest to check if my heart was still there with a gentle touch.
"Y—yes, it's me."
I walk straight to the kitchen. I can see her sitting by the kitchen island in corner of my eye as I fish out a bottle of cold water from the refrigerator. Not missing a beat as I chunk it down to my throat.
And I can feel it go all the way down my stomach.
"The heat is insufferable, right?" Mom is saying. "Did you take a cab or walk here?"
"Imagine me walking all the way here in this heat. No one does something like that, mom. I took the cab" I place the bottle inside and close the refrigerator with my elbow and turn around to face her.
She's looking at me with narrowed eyes and a tiny frown on her lips. I arch an eyebrow questingly.
"How did the meeting go?" She asks.
I gulp down the lump cropping up in my throat, "good"
"Good? That's it?"
When I look up to meet her eyes, I can see how it's still narrowing at me. With a sigh, I carded my fingers through my hair, "I took the role"
"You did?" Her face lit up like a Christmas tree and I know how long will it last. "En, are you gonna be a movie star? Is my son gonna be an actor?"
She springs up from the chair and rushed to me and soon I felt her soft warm palm cupping my cheeks, "Jesus Christ, am I hearing things?"
I forced a smile and push her hand off my face as gently as I could. "Don't be so dramatic, Mom"
A chuckle left past her lips as she gaze at me with stars in her gaze and God, I don't want to say what I'm gonna say right now and to turn those stars into lava.
Oh, how I wish they weren't as homophobic as I think they are.
"You know what role I had taken?" I ask and suddenly my heart isn't beating at its normal rate. I can already feel the sweat building up on my hands.
"The main lead, no? That's what you said David has offered." She says, still smiling ear to ear.
And that smile of hers is doing something to me that I felt like I'm gonna throw up. With all courage, I had left in me I say, "yes, that's right. I'm the main lead and the other one is his son"
"What?" I watch how her lips turn down in a frown. She looks confused. "You both are the male leads?"
I nod because my tongue fails me. Abruptly something flashes across her eyes as if she gets what I meant, but the wrath I expect didn't come. Instead, she's smiling. No. more like giggling. Giggling? What the fuck?
"Is it a love triangle, honey? I am getting excited already." She chuckles.
I clench my jaw and locked the words attempting to Scrabble out my mouth behind my teeth. I need to ease my anxiety for a moment.
"Who is the female lead, En?" She asks.
I gulp, "There is none."
"What?" Now it's more like a mini scream which left her mouth. And she stares at me with wide eyes. for a moment there is nothing in it, void of any kind of emotion. Then the next moment it is filled with disgust.
And now I wanna close my eyes and turn everything around me blank. But she didn't let me, her words are like a bucket of ice-cold water on my heated skin as she spits them out on me.
"Really, kid? Are you out of your mind or something? Is it the money or fame you want out of this disgusting shit? Well, if you think this will get you anywhere, then you know, my son, it's nowhere! You'll get nowhere. You'll get so much hatred, that's what you gonna get." She glared at me like I did something unforgivable, "Why did you take that role? I can't believe you, En!"
She snatches her eyes out of my face as if it irks her at the mere sight of it. With a hand placed on her chest above her heart, she walks back to that chair on the kitchen island and plops onto it, Still mumbling, "I can't believe you, En." over and over.
I felt the blood running in my veins turning cold, and an ugly fury taking a hold of me, "What is it that you can't believe, Mom? Let me make it believable." I snap. and before I know it, my legs are taking me toward her.
"What makes it so disgusting to star in a gay movie, Mom? I cannot understand. What makes you believe I would do anything disgusting? Because Mom I'm not half as disgusting as you—"
"Enyeok!" She screams.
—And when will you all fucking change?? And when the fuck will your heart get a little bigger so you can understand what the others feel too?" I felt anger burning down my senses and turning me blind until I'm not talking but screaming at her face instead.
She stares at me with wide eyes which are now crammed with angry tears. How dare I talk back to her like that? But there's only so much I can take.
"Get out of here," She pointed at the front door of our home, where I had just come in not even half an hour ago. "I can't stand seeing that face of yours" There is so much hatred in her voice that is capable of scorching me down alive.
I felt the back of my eyes burning, I clutched my jaw and rushed to the front door, and slip past it as fast as I could.
Now I don't even know where I'm going right now in this afternoon heat. I will walk as long as my legs would carry me and to all the paths I had memorized in my head.
I hadn't even made it to the road when a tear slid down my cheek.
And not it's flowing.
I'm crying.
Oh, I'm crying as I walk to the street, people might stare but I couldn't care less...
.