ZELAN.
I think the weirdness of having someone in my usual lonely apartment started to kick in as I held the door to my apartment open for Enyeok. He awkwardly stepped in and turned around to look at me, his eyes searching mine. I smiled at him and it was not the first time I gave someone one of my very infamous awkward smiles.
"Do you live here alone?" He asks as he looks around the apartment. And I very much know that he knows the answer to that question. He is just trying to crack the awkwardness hanging in the air between us. And I do really appreciate that because I am shamefully bad at conversing.
" Yes."
" Don't you get lonely?" He wonders.
"Sometimes" I shrug, "So I'll go home to my dad and papa." I walk him toward the guest room which is right across from mine. I opened the door to the bedroom and gestured for him to step in, "This is gonna be your room."
His eyes roamed all around the room. It was a pretty decent room with a king-sized bed—that was neatly tucked in gray silk sheets—a white wardrobe, and a gray fluffy bean bag on the corner with a tiny table that had a golden lamp on the top. And the window walls illustrate the twinkling midnight city sprawled across.
"Um, sometimes my dad used to show up here without any announcement so I kept this room clean all the time so I didn't have to tidy it up for you— I mean it was already nicely maintained," I said with a lot of hand gestures which weren't really needed there. I know I'm very bad at conversing with people but now I realized just how bad.
"Oh, that spares you from any more trouble I cause you other than taking up your space, right?" He said, his voice dripping with exhaustion, yet he still maintains that small smile on his lips.
I want to tell him that he is not taking up my space and that it's okay, it's okay with me. But no words flee my closed lips as I watch him watch me and I can see his smile fading away. As much as I hate dad's decision of making him stay here, I do understand him. If I and Enyeok are working together, we need to get to know each other furthermore and I know there is no better way to be close than living together—even though it's a bit too much. For me.
Enyeok stood near the window wall and looked at me as if he was expecting me to say something, anything. But God, what do I say? I don't know. My tongue feels like a stone in my mouth. I can't seem to move it.
His brown eyes are getting glossy all over again, I would have thought it was from the city lights reflecting on his orbs until he tries to blink away the tears as he looks away from me. I know it's weird for him to stay with a person he doesn't even know, afraid of being a burden. And I know how it feels to be abandoned by the person you loved all of your life. It's as if someone tore open your chest and pulled your heart out. I had felt it too.
"Make yourself at home, Enyeok" I eventually said as I could no longer endure the smothering silence and instantly regretted it. I could have come up with something better. Something a little more comforting. His eyes shift away from his feet and find mine. He tries to smile at me even though he can barely even look at me. And I never felt sorry for anyone as much as I feel for Enyeok now.
"Thanks" His voice was barely audible. Small and shaky, "Thank you for letting me stay. It won't take so long for me to find an apartment, right?" A nervous chuckle left his lips.
"I think it won't," I say, "But no worries. You can stay as long as you want." A white lie. It leaves my mouth so smoothly that I don't think Enyeok would ever doubt it. It does make me so uncomfortable to have someone in the comfort of my apartment. It's so strange. But I think I can manage. Because I can't stand the thought of Enyeok having a hard time trying to find a place in this situation.
The red rims of his eyes pained me to hold his gaze for so long so I averted my gaze to the window and said: "You can come to me if you need anything. I will be here. For you." My eyes flashed back to him and saw a smile dancing on the corner of his lips. Something in my stomach flutters. What?
"Thank you, Zelan. I really appreciate it." The way my name rolled out his tongue made my stomach do that same fluttering thing all over again. It's weird. Really really weird.
"Good night, Enyeok." I took a last glance at him and turned around to leave but then halted halfway. I turned around and found his eyes on me, I felt a smile making its way on my lips, "Everything will be alright, just give it some time, okay?"
He nodded and bit down on his lips, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Even with his messy hair and tear-smeared cheeks, he looks so beautiful. He had always looked beautiful to me.
I head to the door and walk back to my room, then stripped until I'm in only my boxers. I throw myself on the bed, the soft blankets swallowing me instantly and saving me from the cold.
I closed my eyes, willing to let the sleep take over, but instead it was him I see behind my closed eyelids. And the night goes on as he runs endlessly through my mind. Yet the sleep I'd been waiting for never came…