"What's wrong with you? You have been vomiting since yesterday, are you pregnant?"
I was in the toilet bowl, my head lowered to make sure no tiny particles of my vomit fell on the ground, my head was pounding every time I did that, every little thing that I smell caused nausea and I feared that I might be pregnant.
Was I happy that I am finally pregnant? Not really, I don't know what lies ahead of me, I didn't know how I was going to take care of myself around Josh who is now alarmed by my puking every morning in this bowl.
"Do you know how that stink? Make sure you get checked today, and it better not be afuckng human being growing inside you!"
My heart skipped a bit in the last statement. I knew he never wanted a baby, I don't know if it's how his parents brought him back, but he has never loved babies ever since. Even when the neighbors' kids would knock at the door, he would chase them away or complain about small things. Maybe I will know about that in the future, I don't need to know it today.
When asked about why I don't like babies, I know it, I am still unstable to get one, but in case I am stable, I will make sure they get the best life ever!
"I will go for a check-up later when am feeling okay," I force my mouth to utter those words because they were now heavy to come out of my throat. It felt like something was stuck and itching, it couldn't let me utter a word nicely. I want so much to rub my hands on the buttons of the iPod and text Xander but he hasn't texted for days, how can I do that? He has a family, and he has a wife and this is not a part of his concern. They just want the results at the end of nine months, after that, I will be past tense in their history but a piece of me, remains with them, a piece of me who will never be told that I am his or her mother!
Am I jealous now? Not really, I think it's the irk that comes with my belly wanting to throw everything up that it has stomached but it can't because they are still stuck midway.
I drag myself and lay on the sofa. Looking up at the old ceiling that is wearing off every second, I don't think Josh is planning to move away from this place anytime soon. He claims this is the best he can afford because he is in his intern position and can't afford something nicer.
Earphones plunged deep into my earbuds, the volume at 100%, I close my eyes hoping by the time it's eight in the morning, my body will feel much better.
Turning over, the sun is illuminating its rays on the tiny crack in the iron door, the light found its way on my face, making me feel like going to split any time from now, grabbing my sheets, I find them before trying to throw up the last bit of what is stuck in my belly onto the toilet bowl.
Squatting on the bowl, I try to fill my throat with my two fingers but nothing is coming out, it's still stuck! My throat is still itchy and nothing is getting out of it! Fuck, I just want to feel better again. The toilet door is pushed and Josh stands behind me, shirtless and his drool is all over his mouth. I don't want to see his disgusted face looking at me to remind me that I am making the whole crib stink with my puke.
"When you are done, wash my toilet cleaner, I don't think I'm at the stand this today, so don't expect me home!"
I want to cry but I know those are going to be stupid tears because I want to be alone, all alone in this house, his presence makes my body stressed and his voice is irking in my ears every second, "Last thing, if it's a thing growing inside you, call me, I will send some abortion money, I can't have my blood in your veins!" He slams the door and walks out before I hear the front door open up and there, he is gone.
I gather myself together and drag myself to the living room, everything is boring around me, I don't like the lights but I have to stand up, I feel dizzy every second and my body doesn't want to support me, this doesn't feel like pregnancy and if it's one I swear, they will have to put the baby in an incubator to have it grow in there,
Maybe another loud music to make my nerves calm down? I hold the iPod, the screen lights up twice, I quickly go to the message side, after inserting a long password and some digits.
Xander: Hey, sorry, was held up. Are you doing okay?
This is funny, why is he even saying sorry, I should be sorry for myself, I should be sorry for my body and how it is behaving.
My hands want to tell him that I am not feeling g, okay, but my soul wants to tell him something else, it wants to rant, throw myself at him begging him to come to take me somewhere. That is what my soul does, I know it is going to be a big deal but I want to know whether I am pregnant and how I am going to deal with this.
Vee: I am feeling very bad, I have nausea and I have puked since yesterday, my body is weak and I don't know what is happening.
That sounds desperate, that is what we are going to send. Maybe it's an excuse to have him come over, but he can't come over, he will meet me at the hospital and I want to see him.
Am I greedy or am I selfish to want him for myself, that's what has been in my mind lately, I don't think about, Kendra, how she lost her baby, and how she is doing? I am dreaming about Xander, standing behind my back, whispering in my ears every second, and saying some crazy kinds of stuff in my head. Am I selfish? Am sorry but I didn't mean for that to happen.
I don't receive any reply from Xander, I prepare myself and decided to drag my body to the hospital. First I need to head to the fertilization center to confirm with the doctor and later I will know if should start thinking about how I a going to hide the pregnancy or eat more chocolates.
Arriving at the hospital, I feel too weak to go on with the walk, I sit by the bench, the same place I sat when I can for the IVF, holding my head in my hands, I feel like my head is going all around and nothing is going to stop it. Everything is fuzzy, everything is moving around, and even the cleaning guys in front of me are moving like I am in space. I try to hold myself together but I can't hold it better.
"Hey, babe, look at me, Vee, don't close your eyes, don't close them," I know Xander's voice and right now it is feeling like some piano making noise in my head, fuck, I just want my head to stop. To stop, Dark!
Waking up, I see a drip down my hand while my head is laying on something soft. The smell of the medicine runs through my nose and I have to breathe so hard to make sure my lungs are working. Looking around me, I don't need to be told where I am, I just need to see a face that is around me.
"For Christ's sake, Vee, next time, drink water!" fuck, not her face that I wanted to see or her angry face that wants to kill me if I don't do what I am supposed to do. I look at Kendra who is standing over me and I slightly close my eyes to avoid contact with her, "I am sorry."
She clicks and paces around my bed for some time before stopping and forcing me to open my eyes and look at her, I don't know what is there to look at but I have to.
"How long since your last period?" She asks angrily at me. I thought she was supposed to be happy for me, at least for once. I am bringing a child into this world, the least she can do is get mad about anything but should be concerned. I look at her, I can't remember the last time I had my periods because they tend to change every day. "You don't even fucking know the date, Vee?" She growls.
I don't know what I should tell her because she doesn't seem willing to listen to me, I shut up and just stare at my body in these white sheets, perhaps the only beautiful thing on my body right now. A nurse walks in the same lady who attended to me during the fertilization. I hope she doesn't ask about Xander, this will be the end of me.
I slowly sit up in bed I need to know whether I am having a Baby or it's just a normal sickness. She clears her throat, her wrinkles look perfectly aligned on her forehead while her smile makes her cheeks pink. She is full of life.
"Well, is she pregnant or we will have to drive another sperm up her vagina?" asks Kendra snorting her nose as she scrolls through her phone, 'lady, that phone will be with you, now and always,' I want to tell her but I know better.
"Congratulations, it worked, one month!" hehe, is this serious now? I am having a baby? I am having a baby of my own. No, there is a life growing inside me. I never knew this could be exciting news. I don't have to feel that, I look at Kendra who is busy calling, she places the call on speaker, and Xander's voice comes through. I thought Xander was the one who was with me before I passed out.
"She passed."
That voice is so sarcastic for someone excited about a baby. For someone who wants a baby so much, that is not happiness. Xander pauses and clears his throat before saying, it is okay. What's the deal with these two? Aren't they supposed to be happy? Please, don't tell me that they will later hurt this child in the future.
The nurse walks out and we are left with Kendra, "Are you happy about it?" I try to cheer her up. She turns around and gives me a death stare, air breathy through her nose as her hands are turned into a fist, "Happy? Do you think so? No, it's frustrating, I am not, you get to be the one that carries it in your belly when you denied me the opportunity to do so, you expect me to be happy?"
Maybe I should have shut up and let everything be the way it was. I look away and drag my eyes from the monitor that was beeping to the window that was wide with birds jumping on it every time.
"You are going to be discharged at one, after that, go home or walk around, try some exercise," advises Kendra. I take a look at her but I know that she is angry right now and I can't do anything about it. "What about Josh?" I ask. "Yep her you were raped on your way to see your fucking father?" she shouts before walking out. Is she serious, that is the second time that issue of tape is coming out of her mouth and I can't stand it!
I don't know if that is going to work but I hope it will. I want to stand and look around but there is nothing to look at, I sit on my bed and feel the drip slowly trying to work on my hand before the effects are felt on my body.
The door squeaks and a figure walks in, I don't need to look at those shoes twice to know that Xander let himself in the room without permission.
"How are you feeling?" he asks standing by the window. I watch as his tall frame is moving toward me and my body starts to tingle. I don't say anything, but he goes ahead to removes every tube from my body and forces me up from the bed. "What are you doing?" I ask trying to move away from him. He doesn't talk instead he drapes a long jacket on my body before grabbing my clothes from the side bed, "Saving you from all the drama, stop being stubborn!" he grabs me but I hit his hands.
"Stop it, Vee, you are weak and you are not eating, get up!" he orders. Who does he think he is, my dad or mother? Fuck him I don't care I won't wake up. "I am pregnant unless you want to distress the baby," I said trying to reason with him. He laughs and looks at me, "No, you are not!"