Vee's P.O.V
One month down the drain. Everyone is okay, no one is asking you questions about what happened. You shut your mouth. Closed yourself in your room because that is where you belonged. You don't want to associate yourself with anybody.
Kendra allowed me to stay in their house. It didn't last. They agreed with Xander to rent me out a place to stay in. That didn't cost them a dime. Xander has various hotels around, he got me one of his penthouses to stay in. I still wonder why he didn't take me to the old one. I didn't ask. Kendra was against it, but I had to stay there until I deliver the 'baby.'
Funny, Xander is still going in with the story that I am pregnant. He hasn't locked eyes with me for a month. When we cross paths while in Kendra's house, he pushes me over. He has never visited me in the penthouse. Kendra reminds me, I am the reason he doesn't sleep at home sometimes. "He is still angry that you are responsible for the miscarriage," is the chorus that she gets to sing every time Xander sleeps out. I regret that every day. It still bothers me, if I was the reason, why is he always comfortable around me at the hotel?
I am just getting my hopes up for nothing. Kendra might be saying the truth. Xander can't stand me. Not after that little shit show, I pulled on that day. Not after embarrassing myself in front of him.
Life in a condo ain't fun. Most of the time I am inside the house. Nothing much. Those are the instructions by Kendra. You stay in the house, do nothing and feed the 'baby.'
All I am doing is, Netflix and sleeping. Sometimes laundry or cooking. These ain't the important things though. Kendra comes to visit once in a while. She is not that bitter, I don't know why, maybe she feels guilty for denying me justice.
Standing by the microwave, I watch as it is getting my food warm. I smile thinking how we human beings are like food. Sometimes were are hot, and noisy but other times we are cold and resentful. The microwave beeps. I pick the food and head to the living room to resume my Ginny and Georgia. The doorbell rings. I look at it but I know I don't need to open the door. Instead, I quickly switch off the television and focus on my food. Pretending that I haven't heard about the door, I start acting as if I am busy and tired from the 'pregnancy.' Pretense has become the new normal.
Instead of the clicking heels on the marble floor, the heavy thud of a masculine figure in the room is felt. The Gucci perfume that he uses everyday masks my nose and I can't help myself and get lost in it. I play with the fork on the spaghetti that is on my plate. The corner of my eyes is busy trying to check him out. He doesn't move to my side, instead, he walks to the kitchen island and starts to access the drawers. After sometimes he clicks. Yeah, there is no coffee, expectant mothers don't take coffee you know. I wish I can say that using my sweet voice but I can't.
"Jeez, Vee, what do you have here for a human being to eat?" he slams his hands on the island in frustration. I know he wants coffee, probably didn't sleep at Kendra's and now he is exhausted from the twenty phone calls he got and the last one that he received ended up in a quarrel that he doesn't want to deal with.
I shake my head. I can't reply to him like a normal human being. He is married, remember? Distance. This was my distance. I went back to my food, but not eating because the corner of my eyes was busy watching the way his arms were holding the cupboard and drawers. His rippled shoulder forms the arch, to show how strong of a man he is from a gym workout.
I hear, a pan on fire, oil sprinkling, and then some sizzling. Don't tell me he is making some beacon this morning. I would love to have those. I turn around and he looks at me. For the first time since the incident. He looks at me, holding onto my gaze. The dark circles beneath his eyes, that is lack of sleep. Dry lips, probably he didn't put on one of his signature lip balms to seduce women while he bites them. Shaggy hair, what has been happening with him? Quickly he throws his gaze on the food on the pan and turns them.
The Vee in me doesn't want to sit down. I woke up and strode towards him but the clicking of the doorbell startles us from the stupid tension that we had created.
I quickly reach the kitchen island and throw Xander to the other side. I point for him to quickly rush to the bathroom or even the closet. He looks at me, squeezes himself onto the small island, and runs to the bedroom side. We all know that the only person who walks in without knocking is Kendra.
Her heels are clicking on the floor, she sighs, loudly and stands for a minute. I haven't seen her but from the way she has taken long before speaking, I think she has picked the scent.
"Xander, are you here?" She shouts from the door and throws her bag down. I use the spoon to make some loud noise while turning the food on the pan and she rushes in. "Where is he?" Her face is red, her hands in a fist and the pen in her hand is held on a sharp point, ready to kill someone. Whatever happened at home, trust me it's not good.
"Xander is not here, it's just me," I mumble. She rushes to the kitchen Island and turns off the fire before using her pen to pick the eggs that were now brown and tempting. "This is what you are eating? You want to kill my baby, you want to kill it? Or you are not interested in taking care of it?" she swings the egg in her pen on my face while pointing at my belly. I feel guilty every day that I am not pregnant but I can't say the truth. Xander is aiding in that department of lying, the least I can do is support his idea that I am not pregnant. "Sorry."
I start walking away from her but she throws the egg on my face and walks around the house, throwing things around everything. Is she looking for Xander under those sofas?
"I am telling you, he is not here." I insisted but I know very well that it was stupid for me to do that. "Then tell me why is that scent around the house?" she asks throwing the pillow all around the house and it hit the television. I play with my hands knowing very well that Xander is in my bedroom, peacefully hiding out in my stupid clothes. "Mike was here to bring me some pads because I was not feeling well. Maybe he came with his scent."
That statement seems to have given her some assurance that I want to lie to her. She picked up her bags and stood at the door. "We are going to announce the pregnancy. I will say I am pregnant and you better sit your ass in this home, I don't want to see you. If Xander ever comes here, call me using the room service!"
The door closes with a thud. "uh," I sighed looking around the house. All these messes that she has made around because she was looking for Xander? This is stupid. I start collecting all the items one by one. Once I was done, I headed to the kitchen to clean up.
"Sorry about that," Xander started leaning on the counter. I was not in the mood to speak to him. I needed to speak through. I didn't care that Kendra was going to announce their pregnancy, what bothered me, there was no pregnancy to announce. There was no baby in me. It bothered me every night and day.
"Are you happy that she is going to announce the pregnancy that I don't have?" I shouted at him and all he did was shake his head, "yeah, you are going to shake your head and not say anything?" I growled.
Maybe that was stupid, "Sorry," I heard myself say and walked out of him. Before I could get anywhere, he had his hands on my arm and pulled me back.
"Vee, don't have to worry about it. It's only that it's tiring living with your sister." His voice was in despair. His word was almost fading away. He was tired. "I am sorry, Xander," I wanted to support him but I didn't know why. My arms just found themselves on his waist and held him tightly. At first, he was reluctant as I feared he might push me away but he willingly circled his arms around my body and hugged me. "I didn't mean to shout at you, I am scared that she will find out." He didn't say anything, instead, he held me tighter. His head was buried in my neck.
Sometimes people want to escape from everything. I want to escape from everyone, even something little. I want my world, where I am alone. Maybe that is how Xander feels right now. Unlike me, he wants comfort, a shoulder to lean on. How I wished there was soothing music in the background. Maybe I can create my rhythm. I moved us around the circle, seems like he was enjoying every moment until she uttered some stupid words, "I love you, God, I wish I could reverse this, Vanessa."
I stopped and fought the stupid tears back. Yeah, everyone wishes, I also wished for the same. I took one step back but Xander didn't allow me to move away from him. "Stop running every time I say that." Is he intoxicated right now? It's ten in the morning. He might as well be having some hangovers.
"Xander," I held his hands looking at him in the eyes. Damn, who are they so pretty like this. Those dark circles beneath are just annoying. I slowly stretched my hands on them and wiped the circles hoping they go away. "Vee," that longing voice, the longing voice that I want him as bad as he wants me materialized back in my mind. I played with his cheeks while his hands were stuck on my hips, he didn't touch me the same way he loved to do. It's like, he needed my consent. I shook my head and he raised his brows looking at me. "What?" he asks holding my hands as I was about to run off. "We can't do this, you are married, you have a business to run."
He left my hands and started scratching his head. Leaving my side, he went back to the island and looked in the cupboards but was frustrated when he didn't get what he wanted, " Your eggs are in the dustbin."
He clicked and started the process all over again. I sat on the sofa thinking of how we are going to have a baby with him. There was no way we are going to have sex again. Trying to lay on the couch, his looming figure towered over me and lifted a plate in my face, "here, try some," I sat upright and looked at him and then at the plate that had some food in it. The aroma only was enough for me to be full. He gave me the fork and placed the plate between my thighs. "What about you?" I asked seeing that he was settling himself down with no plate.
"You can't finish that on your own," I smiled and looked at him. All the fear all gone. I forgot that I was supposed to be pregnant. "Who lied to you? I am licking everything." He laughed and nodded for me to go on. I started eating the eggs and couldn't help but moan to l how he had made it perfectly. "This is amazing, I bet you will make a good chef in case things don't make out in life," I said to him but he shook his head. "Mr. White never acknowledged that though," he said sipping the glass of juice in his hands. "Though, I got employed in our house to cook when I was thirteen and learned a lot from other main chefs too."
This is the fun side of Xander that I love seeing. This happy soul. Excited about everything. If he could be this happy...
"What about you, fancied cooking much?" he asked. I don't want to remember those days. I couldn't cook, and I couldn't make some cup of coffee because the kitchen wasn't mine. "I had to learn how to make my food. I can make something simple and even heavy meals. I am still learning. "I forced a smile up my face but it only danced on my lips.
The conversation was taking a good turn. A good way to escape the reality waiting for us. The reality that we need to work on but for now, I would pay anyone to keep this chapter going on.
"So, I have been thinking, while you are up here, why don't you take some common course, like Virtual assistance, marketing Manager, or design? I will get you anything you need." My face lit up. I know I wanted to go to Uni but right now, some short courses will help me a lot. I nodded quickly and he agreed to work on everything. This is the life I want. I can't have it. Him smiling, laughing as his sound resonates throughout the room. I can't have it, this was the only way we can forget about our misery, our problem, and the thought of my perpetrators walking freely on the streets unbothered.
A buzz from his phone and his face changed to business. He received the call on loudspeaker, I guess it's work.
"You know very well we are supposed to have announcements this evening, where is your ass at?" Kendra's voice came through. Hell, she is one bitch. Xander looks at me and then at the phone, "Passed by somewhere to have a little meeting, I will be in there at twelve, maybe lunch?"
Yeah, maybe lunch, that is how Josh treated me. Shouts at me for avoiding his text and makes me feel like fries and burgers are the way to someone's heart.
Xander ended the call and looked at me. He wanted to pick the plates but I told him it was okay. He sat back on the couch and looked at me. The smile was gone, he was back to the sad Xander in the morning.
"How are Sofie and your mum doing?" I hadn't talked to Sofie for a while. I couldn't get a hold of her because I was responsible for the loss of the baby. I don't know. if that is why she is angry but I want to patch things up with her. "Sofie is doing a lot of traveling, my mother, well, she is till my mother, at home, and trying to visit us sometimes." I can say a genuine smile came out of that conversation.
He sighed and stood up. I couldn't stand, I was on the couch watching him about to leave. I can't hold him back. He has to be somewhere else after this. He walked off and went into my bedroom. Maybe to wash up. I cleared the table and washed everything up.
"You don't use any deodorant? Everything there smells like soap." I wanted to laugh at him but he gave me that warning look, "sorry, your scratch where your hand gets right?" He raised his brows, "Not where mine reaches. Tell me the one you love, I can get some sweet fragrance from the shop." I quickly told him everything and he promised, he will have them delivered in an hour. I was happy at least I get to use my beautiful shampoo and what I have ever wanted.
He walked to the door and checked his pocket before holding the knob, "Happy celebrations," I muttered and he stopped holding the knob. He turned around and looked at me. The next minute he was holding my hands and he hugged me tightly, "I love you, you don't have to answer it, you don't have to feel the same way. Just keep that in mind."
He walked out not before saluting me.
Let's go back to our lamenting souls. He is going to make the love of his life have a good day. I bet he will use sex to patch things up and order her an expensive necklace and an expensive gown for the dinner. As for us, the lamenting souls, we will keep on lamenting with our souls. Blaming ourselves for being stupid and agreeing to listen to his words.