Vee's P.O.V
Ever heard of unworthy?
Ever wanted to give up?
Ever wanted to cry but can't shade a tear?
That is what I feel, I feel unworthy of being me, I don't want to be me right now. Standing with my body on the wall, but he can't do anything to me makes me question where my integrity stands. As much as I want this to happen, I think Xander was right. I had lost the way, the focus of the mission. This was not a love-making session but I tried to make it one.
I hustled to get everything to please a married man. How shameful! I couldn't just think about it even for a moment. Spending all my money on cheap roses that had stained the sheets. The heels that didn't allow me to stand up straight and a bra, too small for my boobs, made them look so awkward on my body.
I am always awkward. Yes. Nothing can be changed about that.
My body is still pressed against the wall, but I can't feel his breath on my neck because he is long gone and I am never going to see him again. He didn't even try to fuck me. This was the mission, fuck me, make me pregnant, and then lie to Kendra that I had a little White Junior inside me.
I heard the door lock and my body shook, once again I was back to my senses. Turning around, there was no Xander. My panty is wet. My body is cold from the sweat of our bodies merging.
I throw myself on the bed hoping I will feel better about myself but I can't do that. My body doesn't feel good about it. The Vee inside me is hurt. The Vee inside me is hateful of who she is. I wish for once I was able to turn things around. Make sure I am the girl who gets the man and goes away happily ever after.
That is for Cinderella. I don't get the man, I only have to get a little piece of him behind these walls and after that, no one recognized me. I turn around, the staleness of the roses hit my nostril and I feel irritated. I grab the whole shit and put it inside the dustbin! I don't why but I know, I don't want to feel that smell in my nostrils. I look around me but nothing has changed.
I walk to the shower, and sit down, hoping by the time the water has washed away my body then all these bad feelings, hatred and unworthiness will all be gone. I will feel okay, I will feel worth it. Isn't that what they say, water washes away our sins, and once again we are accepted to dine at the same table as the kings and queens.
"Ouch!" the first drop of the cold water hits my body and it feels like a sharp knife had sliced through my body. I look up but it seems the pressure has changed and it splashes on my face with a lot of force! My body doesn't want to wake up and turn off the tap or initiate some hot water to keep me warm.
They don't use hot water to cleanse away our sins, they use cold water, flowing water from the river. Then I must accept my fate, this is how I will be worthy to dine amongst the queens and kings.
I pull my legs up on my chin and let the water hit my body as hard as it can. I close my eyes. I see him but he doesn't want to come closer. On second thought, he comes closer but not too close for me to hold him. In the third step, he is gone and doesn't want to look at me even for once. I can feel the warm tears flowing down and it is diluted in the cold shower making it all cold. I want to open my eyes but I can't, I am not done, the cleansing need to be done.
Maybe I should scrub my body. Yeah, that is the only way. I pick a sponge from the hook and lathe it to the soap. Scrub my body so hard to make sure that everything is removed and my body remains spotless. That is not the aim though, I scrub my body so hard to make sure that I don't have sin written on me, it feels sore but I am numb to it.
'Vee, it's okay.'
'No, Vee, you are disgusting!'
'You are pretty, look on the other side.'
'You are not pretty, stop lying to yourself. If you were, he could have rolled you out on that bed and eaten you out like the only pie left for Thanksgiving.'
The voices in my head, opposing each other make it worse. It makes me feel bad about myself, as much as one part is trying to comfort me, the other part is angry at me, mocking me. This makes me scrub myself even more forcefully and I don't care about anything.
Why wouldn't he just come back and do what we agreed on? I want him back, I want him to hold me. I want him to kiss me. Why would he send me some mixed signals all these years and then end up not doing it? Why would he fuck Kendra while winking at me in his office now, nothing, just his dick on my pants and he is gone!
I don't know if any questions can be answered. I don't think I can get answers. Letting the water fall on my soap-filled body, I fill a sharp pain in my thigh. I don't need to look, I know what I did. I scrubbed it so hard and it's sore.
I sit on the bed. I still feel so bad about myself. Funny how sometimes you wish you could talk to your body and ask it what it needs but it acts like an asshole when you give it something and it's allergic to it.
The iPod chimes and I look at it. It's time to head home. Time to go to Josh. Smile at Josh the whole time, and prepare some nice food for him. Make his shower and iron his clothes for the next day.
I put on my clothes and pull the scarf on my face to hide my sore eyes. I feel embarrassed to even walk out after ambushing Mike. I don't know why he agreed to help me plan these. Walking out, I don't see anybody in the house. There is a food basket on the table but I am not in the mood for any. Beside the basket, there is some cash folded up but I don't think I am going to take it. I look around. My last day in this house. I won't see it for a while and it sucks. I head over to the window and look at the city from below.
Everyone walking in the street but you don't know what they are thinking. Their minds are occupied but with what? Is there any of them feeling the way I am feeling? What about the couples holding hands? Do they feel happy?
"Excuse, Vee," I turn around. Mike is standing there. I look away and walk to the door but he stands in the way. My body trembles a little but he paves way for me. "He would have wanted you to stay."
Stay? Did he say stay? I don't mind staying. As much as I want to stay I know it's stupid. I can't stay here, this is not my place to stay. I am not clean enough to stay here, "thanks, but, I will head home now, bye."
I didn't even wait for him to say anything else. Instead, I pull the door and left it to hit so hard to remind me that it was an opportunity of a lifetime that has now ended and I will never find it again.
The other security were respectful. They all paved me way. I wish they were not. I wish they could slap me on the face and remind me where I belong. Instead, they bowed as I walked out.
Taking a bus, you could see the way the big city was separated from the trash slums that I lived in. The scene was dark, there was water everywhere. It is seven, just thirty minutes late for my curfew. Today is game day and I bet Josh won't be early at home.
I walk in and I am welcomed by a couple shouting from the tenth floor. I don't know most of them here but I have never heard those voices. With the help of the lights, I can see my nosy neighbors already watching. Kids are crying all over the place. Some neighbors have not removed their clothes from the hanging lines and some kids are busy playing along the corridor.
I stealthily walk into the house. The door clicks and I can't help but have a heartbeat. Opening the door slowly, I walk in. My heart skips a beat when I hear moaning from the bedroom.
Josh is already at home. I can't believe she brought a girl in today. What for? He could have told me not to show my face today. Anger crawls over me and my hands hold steadily at my handbag, ready to use it as my weapon. I open the door and there he is, his masculine body on the bed, pushing up and down on some redhead who is also scratching his back like some wild animal.
"What the fuck!" The lady notices me first. Josh thinks she is enjoying but the lady pushes him off. "What the hell, what is she doing here?" Does she know me? I don't know her! I want to say something but my throat is dry. Instead, I am left swinging the handbag in my hand.
Josh looks at me, his eyes turn red and he picks his shoe from the floor and throws it on my face, I run out of the room but he catches me midway to the living room. Grabbing my neck, he throws me to the wall and drags me along it, "what are you doing here? Don't you have some respect?"
Respect? I didn't remember being asked to stay away from home today., "I am sorry," I mumble, hoping he is going to listen to me and let me go. That doesn't happen.
"What do you think you are doing? Trying to ruin me like you did your sister? Trying to ruin my life, Vanessa?" He grabs my hair and hit my head on the wall. I feel a ringing sound in my ear and I place all my hands on my head. It. I don't want to be hit because of this. I wish I could hold his hand.
'Stop wishing, stop wishing, do it!'
'No, all she does is wish, she is going to hit you, the same way, your dad hit your mama for entertaining men.'
No, I turn around and grab his hand but he is strong. He twists my wrist and throws me on the floor and falls with a thud. I can feel a metallic taste in my mouth, its blood, from my lips. One kick on my stomach. One kick on my head and one to my chest. My eyes are foggy but there is nothing. I lift my head but the girl is there just looking while her boobs are dancing as she claps her hands. Fuck, why can't ladies support their fellow?
"Listen and listen carefully, Vee, I am done with you. I don't want to see you here. Not today, not ever! Are we Clear?"
I don't even have the power to answer him, I can't. I know I am not wanted here, it's not a lie, that is the truth. Opening my eyes, I see some pretty manicured nails in front of me, my hair is lifted, and I look at the red gingered head, "You better keep that in mind, not now, not ever!"
They don't need to repeat it, it's understood. They forcefully hold me up. I can feel the pain traveling up my body but I can't do much to it. My bag is thrown hitting my head and the door is closed behind me. Luckily no one is out but the drawing of the curtains tells me they know what is happening.
I stagger out and sit outside the gate thinking. No, I am not thinking. Tears ate flowing down my cheeks. I can't feel my face and my body is giving up on me. I feel helpless. I need help. I hold my bag to get the iPod but a quick check and it's off. This is not good. I could have called Xander, but what will he do? Come get me? Save me? Oh, be the prince charming? No, I can't call him. A shelter will help today and tomorrow, I know I cat die on the streets.
Gathering my body, I try to move to a place I know. I don't know any place here. All these places are not safe. I walk to the North, hoping I will get a quick bus to the nearest shelter but, the nearest shelter was closed up unless I get to the city.
In front of me are three men walking up to me. I am just imagining my own thing. They are probably just walking to their destination. I force myself to stand straight. My heart is beating, I know how it feels to be in these areas. People get robbed, people get assaulted sexually and I don't want to be a victim today.
Walking past them, one of them is lagging and I hit him, "Sorry," I mumble but the man holds me.
"Mmmh, where are you going, pretty?" he asks looking at me. I avoid his gaze and try to pull myself away but that is not happening. He throws me on the wall and pins me, whistling for his friends, they form a position and give each other a thumbs up. I knew what was next. As much as I struggled, as much as my body was giving up on me. I tried to pull away. I tried to push them away, they were strong. One had a hand on my neck choking the air out of me. The other one was busy pulling my trouser from my body. I tried to cross my legs but the other three pulled my legs away. I couldn't cry. I looked up hoping to see my mother come to my salvation but nothing happened.
"Open her mouth!" Shouted one, I hate when my mouth is forced to do something. When I am forced to eat food I don't want. I felt numb lying on the ground, my trousers down on my knees, my thighs numb. I wished life could end, it didn't seem to listen to me.
The next step was to the next booth, calling, calling. The first ring, the second ring, the third ring..... "He...hello, sis, please help me..."