The words flowed out of me without control. I was doomed. I had nowhere to run and had another 10 hours to sit by him and accept my feelings. I did miss him but somewhere along the way, I forgot to think about it. After we split up, I had to resolve a lot of decisions taking him out of the equation. It was hard to even dream at first but as time progressed, I recovered through other distractions I created for myself. I made sure to never have extra time that would enable me to think about him. After that, I got busy with work and life itself.
But I never missed checking upon him once in a while. I was too eager in checking who viewed my stories or if he had posted something new. He had been a ghost for a long time and seeing him so close brought a lot of memories back from the past - good and bad.
"I know it's awkward" he acknowledged. He placed his hands on mine gently. His touch felt like home - familiar and warm. I had yearned for this touch and it felt special. Nobody ever made me feel the way he did. He was special to me. He was my first, my last, and my only. But the ring on the other hand reminded me that I was not his 'only'. I quickly pulled my hands away.
I was tempted to ask him about the ring on his finger. I wanted to know the girl he finally settled with. I wanted to know if it was a love match or a marriage of convenience. I wanted to know how he managed to move on from us. We were not perfect for each other but we were good. We were the couple that turned heads in college. We were the couple that made the other couples jealous. I couldn't imagine doing any of the things I did with him with anyone else. It was only him.
He was irresistible back then. He has changed since then. Now, he has a thicker beard and faint lines across his forehead but that glint of spark in his eyes remained unchanged. It felt magical to be feeling the same things that I had experienced all those years ago when I first met him. No wonder the coincidence, I met him on the train along with a bunch of other friends from college. We instantly connected and there was no stopping after that. It was love at first sight. Or was it lust?
"Who is she?" The words came carefully out of me trying not to seem very selfish but maybe they did. I was selfish and I wanted to know.
"Her name is Swetha. Our parents knew each other and she studies in London too so..." he said showing a picture of them standing together in some place like a cafe.
At that moment I truly felt something in my stomach. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I was okay with not talking to him or being with him all this time and ever since life happened, I worried less. But seeing him with another woman in his arms pained me. I couldn't accept it but I nodded anyway.
I looked at him without words and only wished he could understand what I was feeling. I wanted to know more. Surely, it wasn't a love match but I wanted to know what he even liked about her. I wonder if he even likes her. Does he intend to love her someday? I was spiraling through multiple theories in my head.
"But I don't love her," he said sharply. My heart skipped for a moment as I realized what he just said. Was I imagining things or did he develop new powers to listen to my head or was I thinking loudly? I didn't know what was true anymore but I knew what I heard. I shot a look at him and pleaded to know more with my eyes.
"After you left, I tried getting over you and I went on so many dates. Every fleeting relationship I had was just it - fleeting. Either they weren't ready to commit or I wasn't. My parents were getting very impatient and then I met the girl, liked her and so I gave in. I figured that having a family and some responsibility over my head would morally force me to forget you", he shrugged.
"I thought you moved on" I spoke softly unable to keep eye contact. "You know we were not right for each other. We would have ended up wounding each other"
"We wounded me anyway. Can't you see? Staying away is just as painful"
"What are we going to do about it now, Noel? We're way past that phase of our life. If we had not met today, you would be thinking about your fiancee and I would have remained happily single. What do we get talking about the past now?"
"I know. You're right" he reached for his drink and gulped it. "We just got lucky today and none of our egos would have ever reached out to each other otherwise. But doesn't it look like fate brought us together this one last time?"
"Fate, huh?" I whispered under my breath. "What else did fate tell you?"
"To spend this one last time like ourselves from the past", he said reaching out to touch my hands again.
"Are you kidding?" I was taken aback. I only had the slightest idea where the conversation was headed but I didn't expect it to reach there so soon. I wanted to counter him with something but all I got out was gibberish.
"I know I'm being an asshole. We broke up over a text Anu and I never got the closure I deserve. Maybe I would never get closure. But for the sake of our old friendship, can we keep the hostility away and pretend to be nice to each other?"
"Uhh... I don't know. Maybe…" I pondered for a few seconds. "Okay fine. But, promise not to trigger me."
"Of course not" he grinned and clapped his hands together in joy.
I could see a smile return on his face once again. Oh, how much did I miss that smile? He turned to me and offered his hand. "Friends?"
"Fine". I took his hands and smiled.
"Now you tell me why you are still single", he asked.
I had no answer to that question. Every man I met after that was either stupid or immature or unfunny or maybe I was expecting too much. I wanted perfection or nothing. Noel was the only one I could compare to but he wasn't a great guy either. Though my standards were low, the rest of the pile was just as hopeless. But, I couldn't tell him any of this. I wasn't going to make him feel better. He would probably take it as a compliment.
"I wanted to focus on my career and I didn't have time for serious relationships. Now, I'm just uninterested."I paused. "But if the right person appears magically in front of me, then maybe I would consider"
He moved his arms like a magician in circles muttering meaningless words and ended with "Voila! I'm here" and we laughed. It did feel like the old days.
"Jokes apart. What are you waiting for Anu?"
"Have you had a feeling in your gut when you meet someone new and you know they are the one for you?"
He nodded in agreement.
"I've been waiting to feel that way. But I've slowly lost hope. Seems like growing old loots away our innocence and the ability to feel something for somebody. You know, I barely get excited about things anymore"
"That can't be true" he shook his head.
"I can't feel things anymore Noel. The same stuff that excited me a few years ago just doesn't feel the same anymore. It's like I'm slowly turning mechanical"
"I get you. Even when we surround ourselves with hundreds of people, there is an emptiness that keeps reminding us of sadness. It's as if we have to live with a part of grief"
"Maybe that's how adulthood feels"
"Maybe" I agreed.
"People don't talk anymore and we seem to be always on the run. I haven't had a heartful conversation in years"
"Agreed. Do you remember all those nights we spent talking for hours about how our life would be? We spoke about moving to Bangalore, finding a job together, and living together. Look at where we are now. Everything turned out differently"
"How would I forget? Those were simpler times. We had nothing to worry about", he exhaled. "Do you ever regret any of it?"
"Regret? No!" I blurted. "I don't regret the time we spent together or breaking up. Whatever happened made us who we are, isn't it?"
"Yes, but have you ever thought how we would be if something had been different? What if we had never met?"
"I've never thought about it that way and I don't want to Noel. I intend to not have any regrets in life. That simply keeps me sane"
"Hmm", he nodded. I couldn't understand what he was thinking or where these questions were coming from. But I was sure that we were feeling the same things. We never expected this day to come and now that it has, we got out of words. We had so much of life in between that we didn't know about and these mere hours weren't going to be enough. There was an eagerness in his voice but his eyes looked somewhat cold as if he wanted to stop - it looked as if was resisting something primal. Damn, he had control.
"Do you have regrets, Noel?" I had to ask to stop him from bursting.
"I still do regret not being together. I don't know about the possibility of success or being a better person, but I would have had love. I know we fought and hurt each other but we also had beautiful moments together - personal and intimate. I have never imagined a life without you. I thought I'd always have you by my side"
I didn't know what to say or where this was going but he was right. Our relationship could never be replaced and it felt foolish to think I'd find someone exactly like him. Oh actually, better than him. I wanted someone better than him. I've grown up in a violent household with parents who only fought and relatives who only made it worse. I've only wanted to grow out of it, and not get into a toxic relationship. I wanted a space where I could be myself - happy, satisfied, and in peace.
"Now you have Swetha", I said. It hurt me to speak but it was the truth. All that he told was only fantasy. A beautiful dream with young Noel and Anu keeping it strong. But, we were not them anymore and time has moved on even if we haven't. I couldn't look him in the eye anymore but I knew he was hurt too. I thought he would say something to me - taunt me, tease me, or at least get angry at me, but he was quiet. He was dissolved in the truth of his position.
Why was he sad though? Was he sad about us or was he sad about the engagement?