It wasn't Noel.
I saw Alex instead waiting for me on the sofa. When he caught me walking at him, he stood up with a slight tinge of red on his face.
"Where were you? How could you be so irresponsible? I was worried for you!"
"What happened? I just went for a walk"
"Alone", he almost sounded like my father.
"Alex! I'm fine. I'm not a kid. Why are you here?"
"I found out that you don't have your phone with you and I was worried"
"Oh! How did you know? Did you speak to…"
"Noel, yes. He's got your phone with him. He says he'd only give it to you"
"Of course", I murmured under my breath. "I don't want the phone. I'll just get a new one"
"Wait a minute! What happened? Did he do something to you?"
"Oh! No. Nothing like that. I just don't want to see him. It's a long story" I wouldn't know what to say. I felt weak and powerless standing in front of him.
"You look tired. Have you eaten?"
"Ugh no. I was about to", I said pointing at the restaurant.
His face turned pink. "I'm sorry. Let's just get something to eat"
"Sure"
I walked alongside and waited for him to book us a table. I wasn't so sure we would get a table without a reservation, especially on a Sunday, but I was too hungry and tired to look for other options. We waited for a few minutes until we settled on a small table near the window that was just emptied.
We ordered a chicken salad and wine and sat awkwardly facing each other for a few seconds until he broke the silence.
"Is everything alright, Anu? I am not sure I am in a place to ask you questions but I just want to know if you are doing okay"
"It's complicated" I was embarrassed to continue but his eyes hunted for answers. "I met him yesterday. He wanted to apologize and he took me out. We went to the beach and then to Rye. We had fun and connected on a deeper level like back in those days. It was beautiful"
I couldn't continue. My insides started to sink when I thought about him. Talking about him was making me accept hard realities. The world around me felt empty and quiet as I struggled to articulate the moments from yesterday.
"I don't know what he thinks about me. I just don't want to get dragged into his mess all over again. So I ran away"
"And he found your phone"
I nodded in shame.
"Listen to me Anu! I've known you long enough to tell you that you're a brave woman. I haven't seen you run away from difficult situations before. You know you can't avoid this forever"
"I know. But, I don't want to look at him again"
"No. I'm not letting you do that"
I sighed in relief.
"Finish eating and we're going to him straight. We are getting your phone and telling him to not bother you anymore"
"No Alex. It's complicated", I pleaded.
Before he could say anything, we were interrupted by the arrival of our food. I dug into it immediately to stuff my mouth and avoid talking.
"How is it complicated?"
"He's not a bad guy like you think. I've made mistakes too"
"Everybody makes mistakes Anu. But he hurt you"
"Yes. But we're over that. We even decided to be friends. But…"
"You're scared. I understand. But you can't find peace without closure"
He wouldn't stop and I was too angry. His questions were making everything worse. "Alex! Stop. I don't care about the phone. I don't need closure and I don't need you to tell me what I should do. I've had enough"
I didn't know what came over me. I didn't expect words to come out like that but they did. I knew I was rude and immediately felt sorry for it. He looked bewildered.
I took his hands and apologized and yet, awkward silence prevailed until we finished eating. We split the bill and walked out to the sitting area where I found him. While he stood there waiting for me to tell something, his last words stirred in me.
"Fine. Let's go", I said, pulling by his hand.
His face lit up. He followed without question and we got into his car.
Thinking about what Alex said made me realise how silly I was to run. Maybe I am a coward after all. Don't I run away every time I face something difficult? Didn't I run away the last time too? I couldn't let this go on forever.
Maybe I shouldn't have run away. Maybe if I had stayed, he would have told me that he loved me too. Why else should he take me on a date like that when he had a beautiful fiance waiting for him, if not for love? He must love me, I'm sure.
But even if he isn't, I don't care. I still needed to know. I was in love with him and he might never know if I don't tell him. I wanted to tell him and only him. I wasn't going to let in Alex with the secret. My heart fluttered with the thought of looking into Noel's eyes and telling him how I really felt. Maybe even apologize for running away if I have to.
Within a few minutes, we pulled up outside a huge apartment. Noel had sent the address to Alex and we reached there within a few minutes. The building was huge with 8 floors but it was dilapidated and old. We didn't have to worry about finding his door. Alex said he lived in apartment 302. As we walked into the elevator, reality struck me hard. I was a nervous wreck. I wasn't fully prepared to confront him nor did I know what to talk about. Of course, I need to tell him that I like him but where should I start? I blanked out right there.
"I don't know what to say to him", I shot at Alex.
"Don't think too hard. I'm sure you'll know when you see him. Anyway, if you don't want to talk, just nudge me and I'll rescue you. We'll just get your phone and leave"
"I… uh.. Okay. "
When I walked out of the elevator with Alex into an empty corridor, I took a stance like I was ready for battle. I walked with him to the door and waited for him to ring the bell. Now, I really had no choice but to confront. I had to do it and it was only seconds away. I waited nervously putting on a show but Alex had already noticed my body trembling in fear. It was too hard to hide my weakness but both of them knew what I had done. I had run away.
I could hear footsteps nearing the door and my heart raced. The moment the door opened, I noticed that it wasn't Noel on the other side but I could recognise her from the photos. I wasn't expecting to see her.
She looked gorgeous in her flowery robe and the burgundy-coloured hair that lifted her complexion. She looked angelic and almost perfect while I stood up in front of her with unkempt hair and a loose hoodie that did no good to my body.
"Hi Anu", she smiled and came in for a hug. Before I could lift my arms, she had me in a fit. It was shocking. How did she know my name?
"Noel said that you'd be coming" she pulled back and invited us in. Alex looked just as clueless as me when we walked into the living room. Though the exterior of the building looked beaten down, it was splendid inside. The apartment was bright and lively, unlike the one he had shared with his college mates. It used to stink of beer and piss all the time. This looked so much like home. Maybe a woman's influence is not so bad after all.
While she sat us on the sofa and walked into the bedroom, I found my moment to grasp everything around me. It was surprising to know that Noel had told her about me. But, it was unclear how much of us he had told her. I dragged myself closer to Alex hoping to make ourselves an escape. We had planned to confront him and get the phone, but meeting her was not on our plan.
Two seconds later, Noel and Swetha entered holding hands and looking like love birds. I felt strange things happen to me while Noel had a strange look on his face. He was unmoved.
"Anu! It's so good to see you after such a long time. Thank you for coming", he said, hugging me.
Of course, he hadn't told her anything. We sat down on the sofa and started with an unnerving small talk I was waiting to finish. I was listening to them speak about their engagement and looking at pictures I'd already seen and pretending like I was excited for them. Though he hadn't asked me to do any of this, I couldn't bring myself to scream at him in front of her. It was the first time I met Swetha in person. She seemed to be very kind and a natural charmer. I wouldn't know if it was her clothes or her personality that brought the best out of her but she was the kind that lit up any room she enters. And how can I not mention her skin? It was like the glass skin the Koreans have.
I almost forgot what I came for when I started looking at her. I was going to tell him that I love him and ask him to come with me. But, her unexpected arrival dragged in something I wasn't expecting. I needed to compete with her.
When she walked into the kitchen to get us drinks, I found my break to talk to Noel. I was upset but his puzzled expression was unfathomable. I could guess that he wasn't expecting this rendezvous, but what I wondered was who among us was the unwelcome guest. I kept staring at him so he would tell me something but he quietly handed me the phone and sat back. His foot tapped along with the rhythm of the ticking clock while I had mere seconds to get my answers.
"Don't tell her anything", he looked at me and mouthed only moments before she entered back with tall glasses of orange juice. All of us grabbed a glass and settled into our seats.
"Are you two dating?", she asked.
I almost spit. "Us? Uhh..", I looked at Alex helplessly.
"Is it that obvious?", he cut in. "It's been a few months of long-distance", he said and grabbed my hand. My eyes flickered between Alex and Noel.
"Tell me your story, please", she turned toward Alex.
"It's a long story". His face was flushed when he faced me.
"It's getting late", I said.
"Bummer! Why don't we meet tomorrow for dinner?"
"Sure", Alex and I announced in sync. I wondered what came over me at that moment.
We bid our goodbyes and walked out but my mind had been elsewhere all this time. It was exhausting to pretend for those few minutes. How did I agree to do this again? What was I thinking?
"What were you thinking?", I nudged Alex.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to help. I thought you…"
"You know, every time you try to help…"
"I'll make up for it. I promise I won't mess it up"
"It's already messed up Alex. Let's just leave"
When he dropped me back at the hotel, I didn't have anything to tell him. I was upset at everything.
"Thanks for the ride. I'll see you tomorrow", I said and walked away as I listened to a faint "Good night"