"I'm sorry Noel. I didn't know I hurt you this much", I bowed in shame.
"Do you remember Twinkle from my German class?"
I nodded and crossed my arms shakily to listen.
"A year after we broke up, I started partying - a lot. One day I took her along with me to a party and we got drunk - really bad. I thought she could pull herself up but she didn't so we crashed at Nithin's apartment and we fucked. It wasn't like anything we did but it still felt good. It was wild" he said raking his hair.
Where was he getting to? Was he trying to make me feel sorry or jealous? He was not doing a good job at either.
"I got a taste of something new. It was my hatred. I was only thinking of all the ways to fuck you up when I was with her"
I wanted to slap him right there."You get pleasure in hurting me?"
"In more ways than you can imagine"
"You are mental. I feel sorry for that poor girl you are marrying"
"Oh. She's not poor" he smirked. He was cunning and I knew what he meant. I wanted to punch him in his face right there but he deserved more than that. I wasn't going to spectate him ruining another girl's future.
"You can't do this. This isn't right"
"Now, you don't tell me what's right or wrong!" he said pointing his finger at me.
His accusation pierced through me but I wouldn't falter - not to his words. "I'm sorry" I began sobbing into my hands. "I made you a monster"
"No. No. I have to thank you for it. I like this new me. It's so refreshing and free" he said throwing his chest and arms out.
I couldn't sympathize with what he had become. He was annoyingly proud and confident about his cruelty. He seemed to have put his fury in the wrong place and I helped him do it. "You have to blame me for it, Noel. I did this to you"
"Yes. You did" he agreed.
"Will you ever forgive me?"
"I don't think so", he said. "You did what you had to do, isn't it? Now you can't beg for pardon"
I knew what he was doing. He wanted me to beg. He wanted to see how far I would go for his forgiveness and it gave him satisfaction. This wasn't new to me. He used to do this with me every time we fought. He craved that nagging drama which was also his weakness. I didn't know if my gullible eyes would work now, but I tried anyway.
"Noel. I'm really sorry. I know I have hurt you and I was hurt too. Whatever happened has happened and there's nothing we can do about it now. But I feel guilty for leaving you this way. I can see your suffering. Let me help you"
"Help? How can you help me now?" he groaned.
"You tell me" I looked into his eyes. "You tell me what I should do to make you forgive me. We could be friends again"
"Do you know what's worse than being exes? It's being friends after"
"Can we at least move on? Be mature and act like adults?", I asked. I hit his ego there. Who would like to agree that they were immature?
"We'll see", he said turning back and closing his reddened eyes.
He had always been difficult to deal with. I knew him only for a few years but it felt like nobody else in his life can know him better than I did - not his parents, not his friends, nor this Swetha. His secrets lay safe within me. Maybe that is what he is scared of - his vulnerability and his deepest secrets. I may never understand his actions fully, but I understood where he came from and his darkness.
I laid back on my seat and pretended to sleep for the rest of the journey and barely spoke anything after that. Our awkward silences were broken by the crew offering us food and compliments and we didn't dare to look at each other again.
It was almost time for the flight to land and we still had nothing to say to each other. He didn't show even a bit of resentment but his manners felt dubious. If he was the same man I knew, he would have said something, but he didn't. I waited until we cordially got off the plane and left to collect the baggage. I lost him for a few minutes there but I found him again walking away. I had to take this moment to confront him and get his attention once more and possibly get his number.
I walked swiftly behind him and tapped his shoulder lightly. He turned back at me and raised his eyebrows asking what I wanted.
"Just wanted to say Bye"
"Hmm. Bye then" he said unruffled and walked away hastily without turning back. What else was I expecting? Tears and a tight hug?
I turned away and hurriedly called the cab driver my company had sent to pick me up. We quickly caught up outside the gate and drove into the busy city. I relaxed in the back seat marveling at the scene outside my window recalling every minute of the journey. When I checked google maps, the drive from Gatwick to Hackney was going to take more than an hour with the busy traffic along our way. I was in no hurry but I hoped to get some rest before I go meet the Director at the headquarters.
I watched the morning sun bounce over the top of the towering fall trees along the highway carpeted with amber and scarlet leaves. We were almost halfway when I got the first glimpse of tall buildings. We passed through a long bright tunnel that was lit from the top in bright white lights contrasting the sepia tone outside and, emerged into a neighborhood packed with buildings that looked like commercial spaces. I could recognize the famous double-decker buses and the black cabs that passed by on the other side of the road. Although this was my second time in London, it still felt undiscovered.
The buildings started to get taller as we further passed into the city until we finally reached the hotel I was staying in - The Mondrian. The hotel was massive and stretched across two perpendicular streets with a gorgeous black revolving door on the corner. As I exited the car, a luggage porter walked over to us and helped unload the bags from the car, and walked into the door following me.
I checked in with the reception and proceeded to my room. My bags were already brought up and tucked into one side of the room. It had a neatly kept queen size bed in the center with sunlight from the large windows filling the room. I locked the door, pulled the pecan-colored curtains shut, and laid flat over the bed trying to dismiss the brunt of all the traveling.
I had a couple of hours before I should go meet Harley Weatherbee and do a quick tour of the office. I set an alarm on my phone and closed my eyes to sleep. My body was half aching and wanted to sleep, but my mind wandered elsewhere. I could still feel his hands over my body and this time I didn't feel good about it. I was disgusted by him and myself for letting him take me for granted. I felt ashamed to be in my skin and I didn't want to be bothered any longer, so I jumped right into the shower.
Of course, the shower wasn't washing away my sins, but it felt like a blessing. Nothing I do could reverse what he did to me and I was riled by the fact. I knew I should do something and I should do it immediately. Whatever revenge I was planning had only a week to be executed. But, I also couldn't let it affect me either. When people say ' success is the best revenge ', they are right. I wanted to win but I wasn't going to sit idle and let Karma do its job. Aren't we living in times of instant karma?
It was almost noon and I dressed in a white blouse over matching grey plaid pants and blazer and started to the office on the mini-cab that was already waiting around. It was only a short drive to the office and as soon as I got in, I was greeted by Pavan Khare who was my UK counterpart. He had moved to London 4 years ago when I had joined the company, while I took over his job in India. He had been a mentor and a friend, and I was excited to meet him again after many months. The last time I visited, he invited me to his house and introduced me to his wife Rupa, and his infant girl. Rupa and I became good friends and we started to exchange messages often since then.
"How's India?"
"Thriving!" I said rolling my eyes. I've wanted to move out of the country too - probably even to London if my company wants me to but I doubt if I want to do that anymore. I wanted to get away from my parents as far as possible. Although I don't stay with them anymore, I'm still obliged to visit them monthly and there's never been a weekend without at least one argument to act as judge. While my younger sister usually sits around watching the show, I spend the day counseling them. Yet, they never appreciated whatever I did for them.
"Have you brought something for me?" he asked with a huge smile on his face.
Pavan relishes Indian delicacies, especially Jalebi and Besan ka laddu. While I missed bringing it last time, he made sure I wouldn't forget this time and sent reminders two days in advance for me to buy. As I pulled the box out of my bag, his face filled up with joy like an 8-year-old. Sometimes I wonder if the child in a man ever dies.
We walked around the office and met a few colleagues I met on my last trip and some new faces. I expected this whole bit to be tiring but I ended up enjoying it. Soon, I walked along with Pavan into Weatherbee's private office which was on the floor above along with the rest of the board. Harley Weatherbee was a stunningly handsome man with a captivating demeanor that was rumored to be the reason for his position. But I had to disagree. I knew he was much more than just a pretty face. He was a man with the greatest work ethic that I have ever seen and he was captivating but due credits were to go to his enthralling speeches.
We caught up with the progress from the India office and are also on the agenda for the week. Pavan and I were tasked with pitching new ideas to a potential client in 2 days and we were ready to present them at any moment. We made a wonderful team and I've always had fun working with him.
Later, Pavan and I went to lunch with a few other colleagues - Tim and Claire from Sales, Ben from Operations, and two other people from corporate relations whose names I couldn't catch. They were a cheerful bunch but the person that caught my attention was Alex who joined us straight at the restaurant. Alex was working from Tesco's office space for the last three months and hardly had time to sit at his desk at the office but he never missed a single brunch with the gang.
After an active day at the office, the only thing I had on my mind was the big bed in my room waiting for me. As I changed my clothes, cleaned myself, and dropped onto the bed, sleep poisoned my consciousness.
At least, that was what I thought until I woke up in the middle of the night sweating and anxious without any clue why.