"What the hell is this report?" spoke a man with a large belly and a face that looked very much like that of a pig.
"Yes sir, a whole church was slaughtered during the time of prayer, only a monster could have done it" said the woman who handed him the report, she had wool surrounding her head, only leaving a small opening for her face to peek out.
"What? Ah yes, of course it's horrible but I was talking about the other things on this report, who the hell wrote this?" questionned the man, seemingly very confused about something.
"The name should be written at the bottom sir" she responded slightly confused too now.
"There is no name, did you read the back of it?" he questionned as he gave her the paper back.
She read it, not expecting much but he face soon contorted in utter astonishment at the garbage written on the back with the exact same handwriting as on the actual report, meaning that both had been done by the same person.
"Description of the slaughterer: Now, I know that she murdered many of my fellow but I must admit, as I was watching from afar, the first thing I thought of was how fucking hot she was?!" she read aloud.
"What the hell is that shit?!" she said, losing all composure she had previously upon staining her eyes with this.
"It gets worse" whispered the pig man as rubbed his hand over his snout.
"Her coat was ample and covered her shapes but as the wind stuck a side of it to her body, I was able to witness a sample of it and I actually trembled as my mind ran wild..." she looked away from the paper and at the pig man, sweating as if she had been running, she dreaded what would come next from the words of the lunatic that was apparently ranked high enough to be allowed to make reports themselves.
"You wouldn't believe it unless you saw it, it was simply divine, she had a whole spikes through her head, a disgusting injury which seemed silmutaneously fresh and old and yet she was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, my wife can't even compare"
"Honestly, I wish I would ran up to her and gotten beaten down mercilessly, it would have made me the happiest man in the world but alas, my legs had been turned to jelly at the sight of this heavenly creature, I see her in my dreams" she finished reading the unhinged words and dropped the paper down and back away as if it was cursed.
She pulled a handkerchief from one of her pockets and wiped her face as if attempting to wash away the filth that had been thrown at her mind but the sweat at already been absorbed into her wool and wouldn't go away so easily.
"We need to find this guy and erase him from existence" she said absentmindedly.
"I know this is pretty wild stuff but let's not forget the massacre that went down" spoke the pig man, having seemingly managed to gather himself.
"Yes, of course" responded the sheep woman.
"But still, this guy was apparently not so far from the location when it happened, having even see the murderer, a... a very attractive woman as it appears" she remarked.
"Well, let's just go back the way this report came and we should be able to find this guy and when we do, we'll have him give us greater details before sharing this with the other leaders" he reasoned, this report couldn't have appeared out of thin air after all, the writter of it must have given it to someone for it to have ended up in the hands of the sheep woman.
That was all based on logic however and as it turns out, not everything seems to tie in the usual logic as the report actually showed up out of nowhere, appearing on someone's desk, that someone gave it a small look and seeing that it was a report about the recent massacre, they had sent it the way of their leader, the pig man.
"So, let me put it into words, someone witnessed a grave accident, decided to write about it and give this report to the closest leader, me, but for some reason, they did so in a sneaky manner, making their way to a desk inside a guarded building without being seen and on top of all that, they also added an unhinged written essay on why the criminal who brutally assassinated hundreds of people is very hot" spoke the pig man with his face buried in his hands, it was all surreal.
"Let's... let's just do with what we have, just, no one will mention the back of the report, take the worthwhile info and compile it into something" he then added, giving orders to the few subordinates gathered in front of his desk.
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A week later, as the leaders all managed to come together and speak of the slaughter, all of them looked very grim, one would assume that it was because of the massacre but the pig man recognised their faces, it was the same he and the sheep woman had had upon gazing at the horrible words on the back of the report.
After that, the pig man had thought that he would forget about it and that things would be able to proceed as they should but from then, each and every report had been corrupted, each of them had words of admiration and love for that mass murderer, hidden in the middle of sentences, scribbled over the words of the actual report, each time getting more and more obscene as if the one writting them was craving more and more as time went by.
Seeing the other leaders faces, he guessed that they too, had been tormented by that very horny man.
Everyone came to a silent understanding as they looked at each other, it had been incredibly difficult to do anything when each of them feared accidentally coming upon one of this lunatic's love letters.
"Listen everyone, I haven't made any progress, my reports weren't readables anymore and everyone seemed to magically forget what they had written on them, he doesn't only sully the paper, he sullies the mind and spirit too" said a man with thin antlers on his head, his face dropping on the table.
"You guys only get words on your papers? He drew on mine! It's... it's so disgusting, I haven't been able to look at a woman without the images flashing in front of my eyes..." cried out a man with the head of a goat in a low tone, covering his eyes as they were women in the room.
"Words and drawings? I can't say for sure but I am fairly certain he was using my reports to jerk off, just what is he? How is he everywhere at once? Is this the wrath of Toutatis? Is our valiant god enacting punishment on us for failing to protect one of his temples? As he sent a lustful devil to haunt us? Is this woman even that attractive or is it all an elaborate prank?" said a man made out of stone, slapping his forehead repeatedly as he spoke.
"Everyone! Please calm down! We can't let ourselves be defeated by an omnipresent pervert, we must do something about the murder of those priests and paladins, they were brutally murdered inside their very own church, at a time were they had layed their weapons down to pray together, even us, barbarians at heart, would never dare do something that vile, we must find the culprit and have her killed!" spoke the pig man up, slamming his fists in the table, causing it to crack from his sheer strength, awoking everyone from their stupor for a few moments.
For some reason, as he did that, it was like everything was suddenly better, the goat man was able to look around without getting terrible visions and everyone suddenly remembered that their reports had never been messed with.
They had all been tricked.