'No matter how scary the situation is, it doesn't change the fact that the right thing must be done'.
I grab a cup of coffee and raise it to my lips, feeling the taste of its hotness on the tip of my tongue.
It's a beautiful morning, where birds are singing beautifully, where the clouds are wearing a shade of their beauty shading away the night clouds to day ones.
I stare at the beauty in front of me and wonder how I've come to this. My life has been something else from the moment I allowed myself to converse with a teenage girl, to the moment I allowed myself to be who I am not.
I knew better than to want more than I was getting. I knew better than to enjoy the company of a girl who has everything but pretends she doesn't want it just like me.
I have had enough and more than I could ever ask for, I have been granted half of what I desired.
But now I think my greed of wanting more is going to cost more from me too.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
I reach for my phone on the table that is ringing and I find a picture of my sister smiling on my screen.
"Kaii?! Hey brother?" I pull my phone a little away from my ear to stop the high pitch of my sister's squeals.
"Mia, What is it?"
"Please do not kill my vibe at this time with your goofy mood. Wassup? Mom wants to get a hold of you but she is not reaching you. But given how you answered my call on the first rings, am assuming that either you are ignoring her or worse, you blocked her." I sigh inwardly not at all liking the sound of this. I don't think am awake enough to be bombarded with this conversation this early in the morning.
It's not even mid-day and am already facing the consequences of letting my guard down, for once I wonder when I will free myself from everything.
"Mia, if this is what it is about then I will be hanging up, I mean don't you have classes to attend?"
"Of course, you will be a dummy and FYI it's at night here. Look I don't know what it is like living with our mother but I also get a little taste of it when I visit her so chill, but you already know that you can come back to me and Dad." I feel grey hairs coming up on my head the moment those words land in my ear.
I take a minute to think about what my life would have been like if I had chosen my father to be my guardian back then when our parents were divorcing. But before I go deep there to regret the decision that I don't want to regret yet, I pull away from those thoughts.
I always loved my mom's hugs and her comforting hazel eyes that were always full of life, happiness, and caring because they made me feel safe and homely. To this day when I think of her, I want to think of her like that but sometimes I find myself hating the burden that comes with having those feelings.
"Mia, if you talk to our mother tell her, I will call when I get time because currently am currently busy." She chuckles at the other side of the phone call and I frown because it's not like what I just said, it's all a lie.
Am busy being captivated by a seventeen-year-old girl, with light brown eyes and brown hair.
"Kai, I didn't know that people grew up to be stupid instead of being wise but sure I will tell our mom that you are busy. Look I am not sure if you need to hear this too but as your young sister, you are being naive and think about it."
I let that sink between us as I think about it but not about our mother but about a teen girl who has been on my mind lately and who for some unknown reasons is making this harder than it was supposed to be.
"Anyway am going, love you, Kai!"
"I love you too Mia!" She ends the call and I put the phone back on the table.
I get up and walk back inside. It's still too early for me to go to work and it's not like there is any much work lately so I decided on doing the one thing that my mother had me engage in since I was young. In her theory, she said that. 'she was fitting me right in the world where I belonged.'
I change from my grey robe into my white sweatpants with a black hoodie, I end my outfit with sneakers.
I head out of the suite hotel room I rent as my home and walk down the lobby. I get to my car and drive to Kigali Golf Center to release the tension that I feel on my shoulders.
I leave my hoodie in the car and get on the spot.
Playing golf for the first time was me trying to fit in right as my mother always told me that it's where people like me belonged.
But as I grew up, I realized golf was more than that and it was never how she portrayed it to be.
Golf is a game designed for anyone who wishes it because it is a game like the other games. But the thing that I have grown so attached to much on it, is the focus it gives. It has the magic to take someone away from himself without being high on it.
The focus of standing in the right place, and position to make a perfect shot, just makes you feel attached to the small ball and nothing more matters other than it in the moment.
I get so drowned in the game that by the time my mind comes out of it, it's almost noon and I can't risk not getting to work today because I remember discussing with Samantha that she needs to drop at work after school and I can't have her disappointed in me by missing work.
So, I stop playing and drive back to my suite to get ready for the day, I order room service before getting in the shower and getting ready afterward.
By the time I am done, I drop at the office at one. I walk into my office and settle in.
I busy myself with American news before taking care of the pending work.
I hear a knock on my door, I straighten my clothes and make a serious face before muttering 'a come in' for whoever that is on the door but I know it's Samantha.
She walks in and I start fighting with my eyes to not check her out. I don't want to go there now, to something I know will come to bite me back in my ass. The moment I allowed myself to volunteer to take care of the family of the ambassador on their first night here, was the moment I started something that I know will not end well for me.
"If you are done checking me out. I would like for you to take a seat so we could discuss work." I say coldly to her. I don't even know if it's what she is doing but I guess she can not be standing there viewing the office given all the time she is been in here.
If I can't stop the pull I have on her maybe I can get her to do it for both of us and save my dignity.
"Did you talk to your father?"
I watch as she nods her head. "I did and he is fine with me working again."
"Great," I mutter under my breath.
I stand up and walk away from my table, I look at Samantha as I walk beside her, she is blushing with her head held low maybe from the embarrassment of being caught while staring. Under different circumstances, I would love to raise her head in both of my hands and watch her closely as she wears the graceful blush on her cheeks but not under this one we are in.
I walk to the couch where I left some old documents that aren't in any use for now and walk right back to the cute-looking girl, I lean my upper body behind her, holding my weight with my hands that are resting on the edge of the table.
"Run errands on these files and then correct what needs to be corrected, I need this done in only an hour," I say to her pull back from her, and walk back to my seat.
"Yes Mr Royal," I watch as she gets up collects the files in her hands, and turns on her heel to walk out.
"One hour Samantha."
She nods her head. "Yes, Mr Royal."
Before I can stop the words I am thinking in my mind to pop out of my mouth, they do instantly. "And do it from where I can see you in case you decide to wander and take a lot of time. Take a seat on the couch, I will be supervising." She nods and walks to the end of my office where there are seats for meetings and takes a seat on the couch that faces the window.
Her phone rings and I find myself wondering who it may be. Am getting ready to eavesdrop on what is going on with her life, now that she started school but am disappointed when she declines it and I get no other choice but to frown at myself.
Times go by with her sitting there going through papers that have no authority to anything.
I take my time to admire her and check her out. She looks older for her age for sure, and even more too. I can't lie and say that ever since she came to work with me she is been of no use because it can't be more than a lie.
I've always enjoyed taking care of my job on my own and I love what I do here but I can't shake the image of her of the first time we conversed asking me if I loved it here. At that time I looked into her eyes and it was like looking in a mirror, those brown eyes had a longing to get what they wanted but not being able to at the same time. Same feeling and longing that I always carry on my shoulders.
I remember the first time my eyes landed on her, she looked like an angel in white clothes and I was even more surprised later when I got to learn that she was still in her teenage years.
In my eyes that night, I noticed a woman. A beautiful, confident, sassy woman, who made me for the first time feel things that I haven't ever felt for any other woman in a long time.
Looking at her ambitiousness of doing things the way she wants and always providing a perfect solution makes me think of my sister because it reminds me of her. They are both similar and it makes me consider that maybe it's what pulled me to easily converse with her the first time she asked me about my name when she thought I was her family's driver. But the way she talked to me as her long-time friend also warmed my heart.
No matter what burdens she has I love the way she still warms it up as if all is fine.
Since I was seven, I've always been told that I was only supposed to talk to people who were on my level and to never disqualify myself by engaging in small talk with middle-class people. And here I thought every high social kid was told that but when this girl conversed with me the first time she saw me as her family's driver amazed me to the extent I allowed myself to share my small part of life with her.
We haven't talked like we did since that time and sometimes I find myself asking myself what changed.
I look at her serious face and smile when I think of what she would do if she were to discover that she is doing work that is already disqualified. I check the time and it's already past one hour that I gave her, but turning back to her she is on her feet, pacing in front of the couch she was sitting on as she keeps on working. I keep on looking at her as she walks from left to right, really engaged in what she is doing and it makes me wonder, what makes her work this seriously, she has everything but it always confuses me but I guess it's why I even allowed her to be my assistant in the first place, I usually don't hire anyone but her, I knew I can make an exception.
I look at her as she took her seat again and I sigh inwardly because am tired of sitting in the office, I think we can both call it a day and it's not like we have serious work to take care of. I check the time and freeze on how much time already passed.
"I think this is it for the day if you are not done. You can carry on tomorrow. Go home and rest," I say to her and she ignores me.
Seconds pass with no reply and I wonder what is going on in her mind.
"It's done, Mr Royal."
She stands up arranges all the files and brings them to the edge of my table with a proud smile on her face.
"Okay, Good work Samantha. Now pack your things and go home."
"Goodnight Mr Royal."
"Goodnight Samantha."
She picks up her bag and walks out of my office.
I stay behind in my office taking my time arranging everything because I feel like, I will not be coming soon because there is not much work I can do here now.
I just think it's time I think about my life seriously. The things I should have done the moment I turned eighteen and not now that I will be turning twenty-eight.
I pack my suitcase and walk outside the building, it is quiet, and different rooms are dark because it's past working hours.
"So you mean I have no way of getting home?" The moment I reach outside. I find Samantha standing outside talking on her phone and I realize that her dad has taken off and he is her ride every time they come to work.
"I will take you home," I walk to her grab her phone from her ear end the call without her consent, and walk to my car.
I get in and wait for her but she seems to be thinking much about it and I let it be. I start the car getting ready to take off, am on the count of ten if she is not in by that then that's it.
On the count of five, she pulls the door open and gets in.
I start the car but stop when I see her struggling to pull the seat belt on her, I free mine and lean in front of her to pull hers down for her. I curse inwardly when I feel her breath on my neck. I want nothing more than to turn my head a little to stare into her eyes to see what they hold but my subconscious is in better thinking because I know that would be crossing the line that I can not come back from.
Am afraid of what I would find there because neither of that would be good to me.
I snap the seatbelt on her seat and retreat to my seat.
I start the engine again and get on the road, Samantha is looking outside the window, looking deeply in thought and I start wondering if maybe I crossed her comfort zone by helping her out.
"Hey, Everything alright over there?" I ask to make sure she is fine.
"Uhm?"
"I asked if everything is alright. You seem to be in a different world." She rolls her eyes.
"Doesn't it look like I surely am in a different world Kai?" I turn to look at her quickly before turning my attention back to the road. Because the statement feels like it holds a lot more meaning than the surface of it.
I take a few seconds to think about it and it occurs to me what maybe she is talking about. "Are you saying that to this day, you haven't made peace with this country?" She chuckles.
"It doesn't come in just days Kai and I always wonder how you guys do it. Okay, let me stop myself because I don't think you will like it if I keep going?" I turn to stare at her again and nod my head.
"Say it!"
She nods her head. " I mean, let's start with you. For how long have you been living in this country?"
"Two years!"
"Okay let's not go there because maybe you made peace with it, let's come to me and my sibling. They already moved on Kai! and they made a life here for themselves, life with friends and here I am, eating and walking around in school hallways alone like a loser. Here I am trying to make something that I don't even know that it's there in the first place."
"Ohhh, hold up Samantha. Don't go down there on that path because once you are down the hill, you can't come up."
I almost want to curse this country for being small because by now am pulling at her estate and I hate to admit that this conversation is going to end and I feel like it's far from reaching the end because it just started.
"Look Samantha stop punishing yourself for things you have no control over, be you, do you and the rest will fall into place. It doesn't matter what others think of you or what others have that you don't, just always care about what brings you inner happiness and peace."
I stop in front of her house and turn to stare at her.
"Yeah well, thank you, preacher!" She says with a smirk on her lips which brings a smile of my own on my face.
"And oh for the ride too!" She opens the car door but before she gets out she turns to look at me again.
"Goodnight Kai!"
I nod my head. "Sleep tight, Samantha."
She smiles and walks out of the car, I stay back until she makes it inside the house before I drive away too.
I drive to the hotel but I walk to the bar of it instead of going to my suite.
I sit at a bar and think about the hell of days that I am having and the conversation I just had with Samantha in my car.
The things I just told her, I didn't realize how much they mean and how much value they hold to me till now that I am straightly thinking about it.
It is about damn time that I put my life on track and if it's not now then I don't see when. Am not getting any more younger and someone needs to understand this.
I paid for the drink that I had and walked back to my suite. I remove my suit jacket and free the tie on my neck before I walk to the balcony and pick up my phone to dial my mother.
I unblock her number and put it on a dial before bringing it to my ear.
It takes a few rings before she picks it up.
"Trenton Royal, you still breathe."
I take an inward breath. "hey Mom?"
"Where the hell have you been? Do you know how much trouble I went through trying to get a hold of you?"
"Yeah, So I heard!"
"So you heard. Trenton, what have you been feeding your ego? Look boy it's about time you come to me and take over what you were born to do!" I feel like hanging up the phone because this is not what I pictured the call to go but I remember that it's now or never.
"Mom, I called to let you know that I will be coming home when I am ready and not because you want me to. And if it ever happens that am not ready in this life ever feel free to replace me. Take care of yourself, Mom."
I hung up the call before I heard her go crazy and mad about this but it was now or never.
The things my mother is offering come with a price that ties me down for the rest of my life and I've always longed for freedom for my whole life, but the love I had for my mother had made it hard for me to disregard her.
But I think that was it.
I grab the railing of the balcony and let out a tired sigh. Because I surely know that I am tired of living like this.
I need to find a way to choose the life I want.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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