'Life is known by those who have and it's endless to those who don't have.'
"What is it now?" I ask as I put the book in my hands.
I give our mom my full attention waiting for another wave to hit.
I don't know what kind of life am living recently, things, unexpected things are being thrown at me daily, the guy who made me feel welcomed dumbed me for my sister. Seriously what is wrong with me?
Or what is wrong with everyone? What does my sister have that I don't, for God's sake, we are twins. Do people don't care?
My mother clears her throat and I blink out of my imagination and come back to her.
"I want you guys to help me realize something. Last night you heard the conversation I had with your father and I want you to tell me what you think about it. Between me and him who is a bad guy here?"
"Shouldn't you be trying to solve this with Dad instead of talking it out with us?" Yarrow asks and I roll my eyes.
"Shut up dummy." In unison, I say the same time with Samantha.
Our eyes land on one another like a spark, it burns my gaze and I look away.
"Please hear me out, I feel like my thinking cells aren't in their best capability."
"I feel like you have to listen and put your trust in Dad, he wouldn't endanger you or our young sibling in any way. And you going back to America it's reprieving us the rights of being there for the baby too." Somehow I feel like Yarrow's reasoning makes sense.
"I think he makes sense. Mom Dad loves you we all know that and I believe before he allowed anything bad to come your way he would first have to have his life."
"You guys say the most beautiful things. Am happy to see you are grownups now." I smile at our mom.
"Please trust in Dad," I say and turn to look at my brother as he gets on his feet. "If you may excuse me, I gotta start on my essay."
"I love y'all to the core." He says walking out of the kitchen, I turn to Samantha and purse my lips.
She is not looking at me. She was busy on her phone and my mother turned back to the cooking.
"Lily Samantha, do you want something to eat?"
"Oh not yet Mom, let me first take a shower." I watch as she puts her phone in her jeans pockets and turns to leave.
I wait a little bit before I also stand up on my feet and walk behind her.
I jog to her before she gets in her room, I reach for her arm.
"Sam, can we talk?" She looks at me and nods fairly.
"Come in my room." We walk in together.
I slowly walk in with unsurely weak footsteps and stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do.
She throws her bag pack on the floor and starts undressing.
"Are you going to just stand there?" She asks looking at me, I clear my throat and then purse my lips.
"Sam, I wanted to apologize. Am having a serious and very emotional time you are not the only one who didn't want to come, I also didn't. But the pressures of being the oldest Sam weighs hard on my shoulders." She is still looking at me with a focused gaze.
"Damien broke up with me when we moved here because he wasn't up for the LDR, one year is a lot, and ever since I haven't been able to cope with it." I stop talking and look at her but she is only looking without saying anything.
I look away and sigh. "Am a mess Sam and am sorry that I took it out on you, I haven't been able to sleep without drinking myself." I gulp feeling a knot in my throat.
I lower my head and allow tears to fall on my cheeks.
I feel arms take me in a hug and snuggle my head on Sam's shoulder as I shake crying myself out.
I feel miserable, I feel dirty and disgusting of myself.
What is wrong with me?
I cry and as am capable of pulling myself together, Samantha pulls me to the bed and sits me down with her.
"Why haven't you told me?" I shake my head. "I thought you were struggling with being here but before I knew it you had a life here and I....I." I shrug and sigh. "I don't know."
She looks away and takes her hands off of me. "Why did you snap at me the other day? I was only trying to be there for you and then you told me to go fuck Lucas, seriously? Sav you know I would never do something like that to you. I hoped you knew." I can feel the hurt in her voice and it makes me feel more miserable than I was.
I clearly remember how I snapped at her when she came to me.
I reach for her hands and take them in mine. "Samantha I know, I know you wouldn't do something like that. It's just me, am the fucked up and the problem here. That day I didn't mean what I said to you would you try to forgive me? I never meant any of it."
Silence fills in between us before I hear her sigh. "I know, I was just waiting for you to come and apologize." I smiled a broken smile wondering why I was never like my sister.
Where do I go wrong?
I pull myself closer and hug her closely feeling so shameful that she was into my ugly soul with her beautiful one.
"Me and Lucas fucked." I say and she pulls away to look at me.
I smack my lips together and continue. "Last week Friday, I tried reaching her Saturday but he made it clear that I was a one-time fling that could never happen again." Her light brown eyes compared to mine take me in as she stares at me.
"It.....uh, it broke me because I loved the feeling of my body closer to his and I thought that we could have been more but then I was fooling myself. When you asked me about him it just snapped and am sorry about how all went down." She nods and smiles pitifully at me and I hate every second of it.
Why would I have to go and tell her?
So she could pity me like she is now?
I want to stand up and get on my feet and storm out of this room, this house, this city, and this country and go back to where last I felt like me and so peaceful.
Samantha pulls me back in a hug as she pats my back comfortingly.
I rest my chin on her shoulder and just feel numb as she comforts me.
'What is wrong with me? I wanted to apologize and go back to my pitch-perfect self, why would I break in front of her and make a fool out of myself? Why for God's sake.'
There comes a knock on the door and we pull away. "Sam, may I come in?"
"Since when do you knock but no, am undressed," Samantha replies to our brother.
"It's not like I haven't seen you naked."
"Yarrow no, get the hell away from my door." She yells back at him.
"Sav, dinner's ready. Mom told me to come and get you guys."
"We are coming." This time it's my yelling. I first wait for Yarrow's footsteps to fade away before I turn to my sister.
"Get dressed and come eat with us," I say and she looks down to her naked self. "Sure, let me shower first. Are you going to wait for me?"
She asks standing up and going for her bathroom. "Nope, am heading down too."
"Okay." I look at her disappearing figure and frown. 'What does that Rwandan boy see in her?'
Yes, she is my twin, our looks are alike but am nothing like her on the other side. Am not the same size as my sister though I have to say she is one or two inches taller than me but my body is well curved in the right places than hers because hers is just a slim body for all I see and the stupid boy had the nerve of turning me down to run for my slim sister.
I've seen her drive with him after the school bell rang and rumor has it that that wasn't the only time she did it, my friends told me the day I didn't come to school Samantha drove away with Lucas.
'Where are they sneaking away now and then? And she has the nerve to pretend like she enjoys working in the embassy. Somehow I knew all that was just a facade of being a sneaky bitch.'
I grit my teeth in anger as I realize that somehow am more angered than how I came here feeling.
Am annoyed wondering why I bothered to apologize to a sneaky bitch by the way.
I walk out of her walk to mine and turn the lock before going to drown the rest of the bottle I sneaked in earlier.
'Yeah, thank you sister for ending my dad miserably when all I wanted was to make amends with you.'
SAMANTHA LILY ADAMS
After the talk with my sister, I don't want to lie but I feel great and relaxed not adding the power of my refreshing body shampoo and the amazing shower I just had.
I dreaded for her to come to me and tell me what was happening with her.
Me not being in the best attitude with her felt so overbearing but now that we resolved whatever issue we had, I feel like somehow the burden on my shoulder was lifted from there.
"I thought you two weren't having dinner?" I turn to Yarrow and ask.
"Who is not having dinner?"
He rolls his eyes. "Your other half." I shrug my shoulder as I walk to my
seat. "She might not be hungry I guess," I say not thinking much of it.
We have a dinner in the absence of my sister and father but we still have it good due to the jokes of the one and only Yarrow.
I volunteer to clean up before going to bed.
The next morning am now used to Yarrow always tugging with me for a ride in the morning so in the morning it's not a surprise finding him waiting for me but he needs to keep being punctual like he is if he wants to keep riding with me because am not going to wait for him either way.
We reach school and we walk our different paths, going for my first class am annoyed when I realize I will be taking it with Lucas and my sister.
Savannah is already in the front seats of the class surrounded by her many friends who take our class too.
I don't walk to her, I make my way to the seat at the back in the middle of rows and settle there.
I was taking my books out of the bag and getting ready for my class when Lucas changed seats with the kid that was in front of me.
I roll my eyes at the gesture but keep my cool, after how he treated my sister he sure has the nerve to approach me too. 'But wait, does he want to have a taste of both of us?'
Am annoyed by just thinking of it, I can feel a pit of rage built up in me.
"Good morning princess." I scoff when he turns to greet me.
"Princess my ass," I say in a whisper but I guess he catches it given how he turns to raise an eyebrow at me.
"Woke up on the wrong side of bed?" I ignore that and just look in my books. I feel like if I keep conversing with him might lead me to burst my anger out at him and I presume my fellow Rwandan classmates don't want to witness that.
He also lets me be to the rest of the morning. At lunch, I walk to my usual table but realizing a certain individual sitting there makes me turn and walk to Yarrow's with his friends.
"Mind me having lunch with you guys?" The guy looks at me and then just looks without saying anything, I turn my head to face my brother and he smirks patting the seat beside himself.
I roll my eyes but I still walk to where he provided me.
I sit and he leans in to whisper in my ear. "Generous of you to grant us with your presence princess."
I scoff at the word princess again.
'Still princess my ass.'
I turn to my brother and say to him in a small voice. "What is with the princess bull shit with y'all." He chuckles and I narrow my eyes at him angrily.
"What is with the princess bull shit?" He retaliates and turns to look at me.
"I've been calling you princess for almost a decade of our lives." I roll my eyes when I realize somehow his reasoning is true. "Yeah, sure."
The rest of the conversation is carried out by the boys talking about whatever interests them at their age.
But as we eat our food, I don't miss to catch Omar, Yarrow's best friend as he puts it not taking his eyes off of me. I know he has a crush on me because Yarrow told me but how cute of him.
I walk with Yarrow to my other class after lunch and am lucky enough to go with the rest of my classes peacefully. But of course, it was calm before a storm.
Lucas is leaning at the passenger door of my car. Seeing his body leaning on my car annoys me to the core but I suck it up and walk to it and him.
"What do you want?"
"Aren't you going to let us talk in the car? I waited for you at your usual table at lunch but you didn't show up." He asks casually with his hands tugged deep in his sweet pants that he likes to wear. I know am annoyed with him but I guess I can't deny the fact that at his age he sure has a good taste of clothes, he dresses like a gentleman but not as much as Kai.
Thinking of Kai snap my thoughts back to reality, I look into Lucas' dark ink eyes and frown not finding in them the same blue ocean-like gaze am more used to and familiar too.
I look away and am met with my sister's eyes staring at us, she is a few feet away but I know she is looking at us and I can feel she does not like what she is seeing.
I turn to Lucas. "Get off my car I need to go?" He complies but I know better than to believe him because I know he is waiting for me to open the car doors for him to sneak in too.
"And don't think of sneaking in the passenger door," I say to him and he sighs.
"Samantha I just want to talk to you?" I narrow my eyes.
"What? What do you want to talk to me? Or you just want to sleep with me like you did with my sister and then toss me too to the side like you usually do. Let me say to you that you are fooling yourself."
I watch as the look of disbelief wears his face and blinks so many times being taken aback by what I said. 'Serves you right playboy.'
"So this is what it's about?" He asks and I glare at him.
"You don't get to mess with an Adams and think you will get away with it." He sighs and asks. "Why are you making it sound like a raped her? I told her before that what we were about to do was a one-time thing and nothing would be of us." I smack my lips annoyedly.
"That doesn't stop a girl from dreaming." 'Really why do all boys do that? Yes, it might work on some girls but it also doesn't work on so many others. We are about to sleep together but please don't catch feelings and there won't be anymore. Where is the logic in that anyway?'
"Please don't get in my car," I say and try to walk to the driver's side but he holds me back. "For your information, I never wanted or desired to lure you into sleeping with me and I don't think you also have a right to judge me just because I fucked your sister and don't want anything else to do with her. If you are to judge please do judge both ways for her wanting for more when she knew what she was signing herself into." He says and walks away leaving me hanging this time. 'Am I being unreasonable for standing up for my sister but it's not like she is dumb or naive to misunderstand the situation she is signing up for.'
I sigh feeling my head spinning with everything, I realize we are among the students who are leaving school late. I look as Lucas is heading out of the gates, I purse my lips wondering how he is going to get home because it seems like Leila won't be coming to pick her up. 'Maybe he texted her not to come thinking I would drive him.'
I walk in the car drive to his sideline where he is walking and pull the window down. "Get in Lucas." I expect him to refuse for me to beg more and if he did I would have begged him but he clenches his jaw and walks in.
As soon as he did I sped away to his house and the whole ride was quiet. I park at the front gate of his house.
"Thank you for the ride." He says and I nod not knowing what else to say. He reaches for his bag and goes for the doorknob and I realize that maybe I guilted him for nothing.
He and Savannah are young adults, I believe I have no right interfering in their business because as he puts it, it's not like he raped her.
"Am sorry about earlier, I...I uh I guess I was just looking out for my sister but then she and you are no kids. I believe you knew what you were doing and I had no right to interfere in your business so please will you forgive me?" He looks at me and then turns his head to look at his house before muttering under his breath.
"I will think about it." He says and I nod grateful for the chance of him considering it.
I think I was impulsive in what I said to him, Lucas might annoy me a lot but there is no way in hell he ever looked like he needed something from me. All he did was annoy me each second but I've grown to enjoy it as time went by and it's then that am realizing that am afraid of losing him in my life.
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