I've beern in this room all day. I can't seem to face the reality outside.
My room is the only place I don't feel completely rejected by everyone around me. It's a simple, modest space. But at least it's mine.
Jacob has been ignoring me for weeks.
He doesn't even look me in the eye and is obviously doing everything he can to stay away from me. It's horrible. The day of the battle in the forest, I thought I was going to lose him. Now it feels like I have.
I sent Jacob a text to ask if he'll be home for dinner. It's the only practical thing he'l respond to. He has ignored all of my other calls, letters, and appeals. I even tried to book a meeting through Derek to see the
Alpha formally.
Derek laughed in my face, as I knew he would.
He has already forgotten that I was there, too. I was the one protecting his body from those rogues. But none of it seems to matter. To him, I was just in the way. Jacob could have handled it.
After a long time, he responds. But his response is scarce.
No, busy with pack business.'
It's cold and distant, like all of his communications lately.
I'm sitting on my bed and knocking my head against the wall. The memories of that day fill my head. The image of Jacob crying over his dead father's body. His intense stare on me throughout the battle.
The sound of his father's back breaking under the pressure of his killer's canines.
Jacob blames me. I can feel it.
I hit my head harder and harder. I want to crack my skull open and watch the bad thoughts spill out.
I hear Gisele let herself in through the front door. I stop my knocking. I don't really want a visitor right now. I want Jacob, and
I want him to forgive me. I want to help him take on this new role, to support him, to tell him Ill do anything I can to ensure his safety. "Hello," she sings.
"In my room," I respond. I'm too tired and sad to move. I can't get up to greet her.
I listen as her feet come closer. Sounds like she's wearing heeled shoes. Of course, she's dressed brilliantly, she can never not be perfect. I probably should have cleaned up better. But my room is as much of a mess as
I am.
She opens the door. "Hey there, little wolf," she says as she peeks her head around. Her eyes are wide as she comes into my room. I think it probably smells. There has been very little air flow in the room, because I haven't left the room or gone outside in days. "Come on, we're going for a walk, a run... a shower?" she says.
She's trying to lighten the mood.
I am responsible for the death of a prominent leader and she wants to lighten the mood. "No Gisele, I'm not going anywhere," I say with no energy, no spark in my voice.
And I'm not. I have no plan to do anything but sit here. If I need to feel anything, I have my knife under my pillow. "Ana, you can't do this to yourself. You're being impossible! You did your best. You saved him first, remember? No one blames you for what happened." "Oh, save it! Will you? You're the only person who would think that. The pack has made it very clear that they blame me.
That I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I am a useless Omega. I am the harbinger of death'. That is what they are all calling me that. Did you know that?"
She lets out a big huff and comes to sit on the edge of my bed. She peels off some old clothes from the mattress and makes room before she settles. I know she's here to comfort me, but does she have to look so damn perfect when she does it?
I'm in no mental space for a friend right now.
I don't blame him, you know," I continue.
Jacob is mad at me, and I understand why. I was stupid to think I could have added value to that whole situation. If I hadn't been there, he wouldn't have been distracted, and his father would not have needed to protect him."
The truth humidifies the air. It's getting stuffy in my little room. I feel my self-hatred bubble on the surface. The little knife under my pillow is singing a sweet song to me. I think I need to feel some actual pain to escape all this mental torment. "Ana." Oh, Moon Goddess, here we go.
Gisele is going to make everything better with her perfect everything and me, the mess, needs to smile along. T heard how you fought with more skills than anyone else out there that day. They outnumbered us. They had one mission. It was always going to end badly."
Gisele goes on with her uplifting speech.
While she talks, I think about moving out.
It would be great not to be surrounded by all this perfection. She and the new perfect
Alpha. I deserve to be alone, in a place where I will be left alone, with no-one to love-like I deserve.
Besides, Jacob hates me. His life would be so much better ifI weren't around. He wouldn't be so easily 'distracted' by my uselessness.
Maybe then, Il have fewer distractions, too. I'l be able to finally end it all for myself. Clearly, even when I try, when I really think I'm doing good, it all comes undone. I'm a terrible omen, the bringer of death. I need to be away from everyone. It's only the truth.
I watch Gisele's face, full of concern.
It makes me sick. Who the hell does she think she is? To even empathize with what
I have to endure on a day-to-day basis. "... Ana, none of it's true. It's not your fault." With that, I snap.
I can't take her denial.
I stand up for the first time in hours. I'm still in sweatpants and a filthy sweater, from who knows how long ago. All of my emotions jump off my chest. "No Gisele, you don't know what truth' is."
A low growl accompanies my words. "You come from a perfect world, you live in a perfect body, you do not know what truth can bel Oh, please my dear Luna-to-be, I am so blessed to be in your presence. Oh, save me, please? I'm just the poor helpless shit show that needs to be saved!"
Now that I've started, I can't stop. "That's why you're here, right Gisele?"
I continue. "It makes you feel good to clean my messes up, to see what truth can really be. You love watching my pain, you sardonic bitch! Then you get to feel good about yourself and shine the halo above your head at night. Don't you?" "Ana, you're being ridiculous, you don't know what it's lik-" she tries to say, but I cut her off. "Being LOVED? No, I don't. Having friends?
Yeah, I didn't get that one either. Oh, a future? Is that what you were going to say?
Well, I'm an Omega, we don't get futures."
My body is heaving with rage. Gisele is sitting on the edge of the bed. Her spine is as straight as a pin. She actually doesn't know what to say. "What princess? You don't like the truth, do you?" I snap. "Do you know what, Ana?" she finally responds after moments of intense eye contact. The atmosphere between us is thick with emotions. "Fuck you!"
Those are the last things she says before she storms out of the house. I hear her angry feet trample their way out the front door. I'm pretty sure I can smell her salty tears in the air.
It takes some time for the silence to settle back into my brain. I'm alone again and suddenly realize all the terrible things I just said.
I let out a tremendous sigh and flop face down onto my bed. Tears swell up and I can't control the sadness that erupts from my heart and out of my eyes.
Why am I such a fool?
I've lost the closest thing I knew to a positive father figure and now I've pushed away my last friend.
The song my knife is singing gets louder and louder. Like a creepy lullaby written especially for me.
I pick it up and stare at it.
I turn onto my back and watch as the blade catches a beam of light. It looks so pretty, reflecting the sun on its shiny side.
At least there's one small thing to keep me company.