It's been a few days of clearing up rubble and cleaning. My little cottage is looking more and more like a home. I have done nothing fancy to it, but it's livable now. I carried everything I own bit by bit.
No one seemed to notice when I was gone.
With the Gala preparations underway, it must have looked like I was just helping.
Carrying big things and bags of who knows what.
Ihaven't seen or spoken to anyone in a long time. I thought I'd feel better with this decision to move into a place I can call my own, but I feel no different. If anything, my invisibility to everyone around me, just serves to remind me more of what an outsider I am.
Im truly isolated.
I will become the crazy wolf in the hut at the edge of the territory.
I'm sure it won't add much more to my already tarnished status and name. At least
Derek won't have much else to say about me being a leech.
I sit on my bed alone, with no purpose.
Boredom threatens me. I should do something. IfI don't, I could get myself into more trouble.
The thought opens up a hunger in me. Not a hunger for blood, or food, but a hunger for pain. My scars are warm again and
I consider grabbing my knife. I know I shouldn't. It will just lead to nothing.
No one has touched me in a while now; I haven't even seen Gisele.
She's inundated with Gala preparations.
It's like she's forgotten about me. Derek was right. Eventually, they were all going to forget about me, and they will just stop caring.
How could I ever be so hopeful?
My legs stand me up before I know what
I'm doing. I need to get out of here. As fast as this space became a home, it's become a prison of my self-hatred.
Ineed to do something, anything, to make me feel alive. I think about going for another run.
It helped to clear my head the other day.
Maybe it will work again.
I do it. I run, I run deep into the forest, letting my wolf take control. I run so hard and so fast the pads of my paws bleed.
I run until my muscles ache. The pain distracts my mind.
But it isn't enough.
I keep going, over the river beyond the gates. In and out of our lands. I've never run this far. My body aches, but my wolf is too strong. She heals too fast for me to feel a release from the self-inflicted torment.
Hours pass and I'm exhausted. I return to my cottage. It's so isolated on the edge of town, away from the community, that not a soul has noticed me. No one cares that I've been gone all day. It's like I don't exist.
I want to exist!
My aching muscles aren't enough, I need more to feel alive.
Without thinking, I get dressed and head towards the bustle of everyone setting up for the Gala. I know what I'm searching for.
Ineed someone else to remind me I'm alive. I'm walking around like a junkie, scratching for a hit. But my drug is far stranger than chemicals, I seek pain. Pain is what I want.
To me, pain and pleasure are murky areas.
I have never known pure pleasure. It has only been associated with pain, pain is what keeps me alive. It's what I deserve.
Others get love and kisses, I get hits and bruises.
I don't even get close to the hall, andI hear her voice. "What the fuck has happened to you?"
Medeia stands with a hand on her hip, a box balanced on the other. I hadn't even noticed that I walked right past her and her posse. They're carrying boxes of decorations toward the hall.
I didn't see who it was.
Finally, some luck.
The four girls put their boxes down. "This bitch just walked right past us like she's a queen or something. You should know better than that, Anastasia," Harley says.
They move closer to me.
"Why are you filthy, like some savage wolf?" Tanisha asks as she plucks out a strand ofmy messy hair. They're circling me like vultures, waiting to see if Im dead before they can feast. I died a long time ago. I'm waiting to be torn apart.
I don't need to say a word. They become angry just looking at me. I don't bring anyone pleasure and don't deserve it myself. You get what you give, just looking at me gives other people anger.
I don't know why you Omegas are so stupid. It's like youre searching for a fight,"
Medeia says.
I don't tell her she's right. Except I'm not looking for a fight.
I want to feel something. I want to feel more pain. I won't be trying to stop or protect myself this time. "Where should we begin, ladies? How should we teach this bitch a lesson?"
Harley adds, as they circle in closer. It's making mne dizzy watching them.
They're pumping themselves up, they're getting excited. I can see their fists clenching. Megan stretches her neck a little.
The more excited they get, the more excited I get. I want this. Beat me to a pulp makes me feel something. Just having eyes on me is already satisfying some urge for recognition. At least their hatred confirms that I exist.
That my life has some effect on this world.
Do your worst," I tell themn. My words are like a gun going off at the start of a race.
They all pounce at the same time.
Megan grabs my arms and holds me in a lock. Her arms are under my pits, her hands behind my head. Holding me open to receive everything I want, everything I deserve. My body is limp and waiting.
Medeia hits me first, in the gut. Of course, she has to go first. They're good little henchwomen. They give their boss the respect she thinks she deserves. Then it's
Harley, then it's Tanisha. Even though they are holding up, their blows force me to buckle over, pulverizing my guts, and I can taste the blood rising in my throat.
Pain is throbbing through my body.
Finally, some life. I feel it. It's like electricity courses through my muscles.
It hits my brain and sends messages to every corner of me. Little red lags that say danger but I read pleasure.
They keep beating me like that until my legs give in. I fall to my knees only to feel someone else's knee knock me square in the face.
I fall onto my back. They continue to kick.
I've lost track of who is landing what blow to my body. It becomes a rhythmical song, my body is the drum set.
My eyes are closed and blood trickles out of my mouth. I feel the bruises bubbling to the surface of my skin. It feels so wrong and yet so right.
The pain feels like home. It's where I belong.
They only stop when I appear to be lifeless. I haven't made a noise the whole time. Maybe I should have, maybe if I had screamed they would have kept going.
Knowing my cries were a confirmation of their performance. But I was too self-involved, too focused on the sensation of it all.
Medeia announces the end.
I feel my face swollen, my stomach and ribs blacked. "That's enough. We've got to get back to our duties," she says. "Stay the fuck away from us, Omega," she adds. She points her finger at me.
They pick up their boxes and head on their way. They strut away proud of themselves.
They think I've been taught a lesson. If only they knew I have used them just as much as they have used me.
I'm covered in blood and can barely open my eyes. I stay on my back and look up at the passing clouds. My eyelids have to crack away from each other. I feel like one of those white fluffy clouds as I float through my pain.
I lose track of time. I do not know how long
I've been lying there, on the street. When I feel a presence come near me.
I assume they want more. I hope they want more.
But a hand touches mine, and a face comes into view. "Are you okay?" A boy around my age asks.
I take a moment to realize Im not a cloud.
Dazed, I blink a few times and get his ordinary face into focus. My vision returns. "Fine," I croak out, finally. Now go away
I think to myself.I want to lay here and let the universe consume me. Disappear into that sky like one of those clouds.
Evaporate.
He pulls me up to a seated position and crouches low next to me.
He pushes my hair back and wipes blood from my face. He checks me all over to make sure nothing is too severe. "What are you doing? Who are you?" I ask, confused by the tenderness.
I'm still covered in sweat and mud from the run. Add in the now drying blood, I must look like a complete mess.
Tm Garett. I saw the whole thing happen, we uh-we kind of met at that party. Are you okay?" He's fretting over me, dusting me off and playing doctor.
He's sweet and looks at me with genuine concern. I remember his face, he had told me he liked my hair. "Us Omegas need to look out for each other," he smiles gently.
He's definitely an 0mega. I can feel it in his presence. I wonder if this is the person
Gisele was talking about the other day.
Why was he nearby? Has he been following me? "Um, thank you," I say. I can get up a little bit and tilt my head at him. Perplexed.
I can feel my healing already begin.
The warmth and familiarity of the pain subsided. That sweet relief is already disappearing. I can feel the sensation of being alive slowly disappear.
I blame him for it. He should have left me to wallow for longer.
I watch Garett as my suspicion increases.
What does this person want from me?
Everyone either wants to cause me harm or wants nothing at all to do with me. I can't understand why he is being so kind. "Here, let me help you up. I can walk you home? Is there anything you need? I can get some water"
His eagerness is irritating me. Kindness is not what I was after.
It's like his concern is helping me heal faster. Pain is what I needed to escape my life. This wolf needs to get away from me.
Im embarrassed and sad. I don't want to be looked at right now. I don't want to feel better already.
Tn fine," I repeat more sternly. I'm hoping he'l leave me alone.
I'm mortified. If he saw the whole thing, he would have seen how I hadn't stood up to
Medeia and her gang. What could anyone want from someone who is obviously weak like me? "You sure?" he asks, lifting me to my feet.
He's dusting off my jeans and is about to link an arm under my waist. "Stop. Stop it. You've done enough," I say. I step away from him.
Just leave me alone. Don't tell anyone about this."
Tm trying to help you-"
Tm fine," I snapped at him. The words are harsh. I don't know how to deal with this kind of attention. I walk away from him with limbs flailing, I stumbled slightly. My body is still cracking back into its joints.
Still aligning, "Okay," he says, holding his hands up in submission. His eyes tell me that he wants nothing more than to help. I ignore it.
As I limp back towards my cottage. I feel his eyes on me as I walk away.
As I move, I can feel my body click back into place as I heal. I leave him standing there, just staring at me. After a while, I look back to see ifhe's still there. I can't see anyone.
But I can still feel his presence near me.