It feels great to reconnect with Gisele.
Our giggling and boy-tallk have addeda lightness to my step as I walk home from school. It's the late afternoon and the sun streams through the leaves as I float down the street.
For once, I'm not thinking about how terrible my life is. I'm not really thinking at all.
For the first time in a long time, I've had a good day. Yes, there were tears. But it was nice to feel heard.
Tve got a gentle smile on my face.
It's just good to know Gisele andI can get through any turmoil together. It makes me think of everything we've been through.
And how nice it is to have someone that kind of understands me. That there is someone to catch me when I fall.
I can only hope to do the same for her.
I can't lie to myself, though. The thought of someone having a crush on me may have also contributed to the bubbly strides I'm taking. It makes me blush just thinking about someone looking at me that way.
Maybe I can find love? Maybe there's hope?
There's just something nice about being noticed. Appreciated, I guess.
All these thoughts are running through my mind as I watch the shadows cast by the leaves change patterns whilst I walk.
Bag over my shoulder, my hair tied back in a pony, swaying along with me.
I'm about a block away from home when
I hear a voice that appears, almost out of nowhere. "Anastasia," it says, bluntly.
Interrupting my mindless musings. I can't tell if that is a greeting or a demand. His tone confuses me, and I pause
I turn my head. Derek is standing right behind me. He has a stern expression on his face. His legs hip distance apart, his arms at either side. He almost looks like he is ready for a battle. His face certainly carries the look of confrontation.
Before I can even open my mouth to respond, to say hello (Qike I wanted to do), he speaks. "How can you just take advantage of
Alpha?" he asks. our
All the bubbles, the lightness, the floating. and enjoying the streams of sunlight drain out of my body like someone just pulled out the plug in my good mood. My heart immediately cools and hardens, my throat constricts.
This pack has done so much for you.
Taking in your rogue-bitch-mother, putting up with you and your messes. Why is it that whenever things go wrong, you're always nearby?"
His hands clenched into fists and his face is getting angrier. I can feel the dark clouds returning to my soul.
He's kind of right. I am always around when things go wrong.
He's talking at me. There's no room for me to respond or even question him. I have to just stand there and listen to his rant. One thing I don't do is break eye contact. I'm going to look straight into his eyes, ready for whatever is coming next. "You're a taker. That's just what you are. You useless Omegas! You have no other purpose but to suck out time and resources, and lives! What use do you offer this pack? Huh?"
"Dere-"
He interrupts me before I can finish.
Clearly, he isn't looking for answers. He just wants to tell me how useless I am. "Anastasia, you can't just live off of the crumbs of our Alpha forever. Especially when you bring him so much pain. Here you stand just getting everything handed to you, and for what?
Maybe he's right. Maybe I do take everything.
It takes my whole being not to allow his words inside my head. I try to fight them back. I try to tell myself it isn't true. None of this is actually my fault. I didn't mean for any ofthis to happen. I try to remember what Gisele told me. "Tm not trying to do any of this on purpose.
I'm doing the best I can," I say calmly.
My eyes fill with tears. "Save it, Anastasia. Your free ride is almost
Over. "What do you mean?" I respond.
My whole body feels dull again. There is a faint light burning in my scars. It begins in their centers and radiates outward. Like they're slowly heating. It's like they're calling me. A warm flame welcoming me home.
I kind of wish he'd hit me.
Jacob won't be around to save you forever, you stupid Omega." He hasn't moved an inch. He is still a few feet away, almost like he's too disgusted to come closer.
He is never this rude to me in front of
Jacob. "He's going to get sick of you," Derek continues. "He's going to turn his back on you. So, you better pray to the Moon
Goddess that you have your shit together when that happens. Because who will you live off of then? Leech!"
I watch Derek's veins in his neck pulse with that last word. Leech. It echoes in my brain as he turns to walk away.
I see he's headed home, too. He must have come from a meeting with Jacob.
That's even worse. His rage is probably from something Jacob said about me. I deserve it, though.
I don't know what it is about my fate, but I am doomed to cause misery. I hurt everyone I love. Look at that fight I had with Gisele. Eventually, people will stop coming back for me.
Derek also has a point. I take and I take; and I have nothing to give. My scars are even warmer now, like they are offering my blood as payment for the pain I ereate.
Ireally want to release them. I think of leeches sucking blood. Draining all the blood from my body, so I don't have to do this anymore. A leech, me? Possibly.
But I try to focus on getting home instead.
I hurry down the street, get to my door, insert the key and let myself in. All of my thoughts come crashing down on me, like the white waters of an enraged sea during a violent storm.
I need to get out of here. I need to clear my head.
I drop my bags and I need to run.
Back out through the front door, down the street again, in the opposite direction. I know where I want to go. I know where I need to go. Deep in the forest.
Irun and run, first in human form. I throw my clothes to the side. Then suddenly, mid-stride, I turn into my wolf.
As my senses kick-in, stronger in wolf form, my mind gets more distracted. I smell the evening descent and can hear the furthermost critters chirp. I run harder, my legs pounding on the cobbled street.
Thud, thud, thud. Once I get to the field, the thudding from my steps softens. I finally reach the forest floor, and the crackling of crushed leaves replaces the thud.
Here, I can feel free. The trees blur past me as I try to run away from the thoughts; the ones telling me to end it all. Tears stream down my face. But no matter how fast I run, how hard my paws pound the ground,
I can feel my scars burning.
I can almost hear my knife screaming for me.
I stop at a clearing. Out of breath and exhausted. I take a moment to catch my breath, deeply breathing in the fresh air, and look up at the changing colors in the sky. The sun is setting quickly now. I should turn back.
Irun back a little slower, gentler. It's been a long time since I've gone for a run. It feels good to be in my wolf again, but I feel weak.
I guess I am weak.
It takes a few minutes, but I calm dowm.
Even though Derek's thoughts haunt me, it's not something new. I am used to being haunted by my past. Being dulled by all my emotions. I know there's truth to his words and I need to make a move. Soon. Ive calmed down enough for a walk.
Im edging towards the entrance of the forest, the outskirts of town. It's quiet around here. Few people come down this way.
A glimmer of a reflection catches my eye.
It's like a tiny golden beacon that peeks out behind a mangled bush.
I turn my head to scrutinize it.
Still in my wolf form, I stalk over to a bunch of fallen branches on top of what looks like a cottage. Using my wolf's extra strength, I gently remove some of the larger branches. I pull away the weeds and sweep my tail across a small wooden patio.
I transform back into my human form and open up the door.
It may be considered a hut to some because it is so run down, but I see a quaint cottage.
But I see a tap in the kitchen area, a table, a chair and a bed frame. There's even a broken mirror on the wall. It's small, but big enough for a lone wolf like me.
It's definitely abandoned. Dust cakes on every surface.
I wonder to myself; how long will it take
Jacob to notice I have moved out?