Its Friday morning and I can't stop thinking about yesterday, why couldn't he look my way, why didn't he say goodbye. Was I really that terrible?
I look back to my phone where I am standing outside my classroom. I notice I got a message and I open in hoping it is the boy I can't stop thinking about but instead my hopes die down when I realise it is my dad.
Dad:
I will collect you when you finish and then I will pick up your brother. He has a name dad! Make sure to pick your stuff up from your mums house and don't take too long.
I don't reply to him as I know he knows I've seen it. It shows blue ticks on his message if I have opened it. My dad hasn't been the best for a few years but he is still working on it. He wanted to have kids more than anything but he didn't want to have any responsibility.
He has recently got better and he wants to see us more, I can't help but think he wants to see us now because we are less of a hassle and we listen easily. I still say things but only in my head, I know not to over step with him and if I do he will use his temper.
I put my phone away and I go to observe the area again checking around for Caden, still no sign of him.
But I do catch sight of one thing.
Clara and Caitlin hugging in the courtyard, okay now she has to tell me what's going on!
I am not a very patient person when it comes to finding things out. They pull away from each other and I see Caitlin's hand reach for Clara's and I gasp with happiness but she, I had a sneaking suspicion Caitlin might be interested in her but now I have proof.
I quickly rush back to the canteen as if I didn't see anything and wait for her to turn the corner, Clara comes around and she has seen the expression on my face and she already knows I have questions and she rolls her eyes.
"Okay what do you want to know" she said
"Everything!" I sing back to her.
"She is just a really great friend and I get along with her so easily, like you and Caden" I don't bring up the fact that Caitlin might like her, I want her to find that out on her own, unless she already knows and wont say anything.
"Have you both hung out together recently?"
"I may have gone to the store for more than CDs and records. I just wanted an excuse to talk to her again without the bitch around" and by that I think she means Megan.
To me everyone has a different personality around certain people, if you like them you will joke around and be comfortable in their presence, but if you don't like them you remain quiet and act as if you do like them when in reality you don't. you just put up with it as other people are there.
If you are alone it is easier to see their true colours compared to when you are in a group and it can show how differently they act.
"I'm just happy you are happy"
*****
There was nothing else the rest of the day. So I just let time pass me by and I start to wait by the gate for my dad.
5 minutes pass…
10 minutes pass…
I am honestly not surprised, I bet when he gets here and we get home he will yell at us for making him late. He is never wrong and he is always right.
*insert rolling eyes here*
I hear a rev of an engine and see my dad's car pulling up. He has a hard look on his face, he never was good at showing emotions.
I open the door and smile, he looks at me and looks forward.
"Let's get going or we will be late for picking up your brother"
"Hello to you too" I say with equal amount of emotion as he showed me.
We didn't talk for the rest of the journey, we picked the little monster up and we headed home. None of us spoke until we got in our rooms preparing a bag for his house, his house is not my home.
He had the opportunities to see us but never bothered. To me he is just a babysitter and we stay at his house bored until we leave back to our real home.
Just as we were about to leave he called our names. We turned back to where he was standing by the front door, me and Brody were about to sit in the car.
"Before I forget you need to get a clean outfit, we are going out for dinner and I want you to be dressed nicely"
You couldn't have said this five minutes ago? One of the few things I got from you father was your time keeping skills.
Always Late.
Me and Brody head back inside and get the clothes for tonight. I pick his out and help him back into the car, even though he is young, he is incredibly smart and can tell when something isn't right.
His expression isn't welcoming, I am confused as he loves seeing dad. I decide not to sit in the front but rather in the back next to my best friend.
While he is driving listening to music we don't like from the fifties, I mean I am old school but my father is from another century of his own way before the dinosaurs even existed. I may be exaggerating a bit but with what he says sometimes it isn't hard to think that.
I look over to Brody, he has his arm on the arm rest on his left with his head on it.
"What's wrong?" I nudge his arm softly while looking at him in worry.
His head moves to focus on me, he looks bored and upset, and then he said it, those words that I had been feeling just as much as him.
"I miss Caden, I wanted to see if he could play with me just like last time" his eyes were tearing up. I've never seen him open up and attach himself to someone so quickly.
'I miss Caden' So do I.
'I wanted to see if he could play with me' Me too and I'm sorry we can't see him right now.
We get to a red light and I do something a bit sneaky and I lift up the arm rest and undo his seatbelt and I use my strength to pull him over to me and I strap the belt onto him again and I hug him from the side with his head on my shoulder, the green light shows and we carry on to our babysitters house for the next few days.
It has been about fifteen minutes and I look next to me and see him fast asleep. My whole heart goes out to him, Brody comes first for me, over everyone else. I lean down and whisper in Brody's ear "I promise you will see him again, I miss him too." I kiss his forehead and then rest my head on his and I look up to see my dad's eyes in the mirror looking back at me, void of any emotion and that is the last thing I see before falling asleep myself.
******
I am woken up with a loud bang, I look around to see that dad is out the car. I slowly shake Brody awake. He opens his eyes and stretches his arms and legs, showing a sign that he had good sleep.
We both step out the car and get our bags and we head to the front door. We walk to our bedrooms and I already know for a fact that Brody will sleep in my room as he gets scared of his own because of how big our dads house is.
"Kids, start getting ready, we will leave in half an hour" he shouts from downstairs.
I put my blue knee length dress I bought and wore for my eighteenth birthday. It is fit and flare at the bottom, it shows my curves off at the top.
I finish doing my eye liner and I actually didn't fuck it up this time!
I head to Brody's room and he is dressed very smartly and he is struggling with his tie, it is such a sweet sight I just want to take a photo, so I do, I take my phone out and I watch him through my phone trying to get the best photo.
He is so cute with his tongue on the side of his mouth staring in the mirror so focused on it trying to be perfect, I take the photo and put it as my lock screen. I walk more into the room to make my presence known.
He notices me in the mirror and I move him to be in front of me and I kneel down to match his height, and I do his tie twice as quickly. I admire his effort for trying though. I try and hide my laugh.
We both head downstairs and I see my dad in the kitchen on his phone, he has a very serious expression on his face. I don't question it as it is his favourite face to use, it's probably work.
I clear my throat as we are ready to go, I look at the clothes he is wearing and he's wearing almost the same as his son, A blazer, ironed trousers and a tie. The only difference is that his is grey and Brody's is blue, I bet that Brody will be a perfect gentleman when he is all grown up, the complete opposite of the man in front of us.
Hearing me clear my throat he looks over but he doesn't skim over us. It's like he is studying every little thing. He observes his son first, and then he moves his gaze over to me, and then he says something I didn't know was possible to ever come out his mouth.
"I am proud of what kind of people you both are becoming"
Those words, "I am proud" make my stomach turn. To me it's like he means it to our mother and not us, he is proud of how she raised us on her own without his help.
I don't make a fuss and I take Body's hand and we all leave to the car. I try and test to see if he can give away anything away about what is going on tonight.
It has been about three months since we have seen our dad, because of how he treated me I decided not to see him very much because I would always get my hopes up about him coming and he was either a few hours late, cancel very last minute or just never show up at all.
Brody was only a few years old and I would rather him have a good male role model and not an excuse of a father he has been stuck with.
I try and ask questions but he shuts me down every time and I can tell he doesn't like being questioned because his knuckles are turning white as he holds the steering wheel, I leave him be.
Another twenty excruciating moments of silence later we finally arrive at our destination and I see it is the restaurant we always used to go to, even Brody recognises it, it is a nice surprise going down memory lane with something good that we remember.
"Come on Lala let's go!" he practically slams his door and runs to my side to open the door for me and pulls me out with his small hands we both laugh and continue walking.
He drags me but just before we are at the front door we both get startled by a yelling voice, a voice I know all too well.
"Get back here now! You never slam my door, this is a very expensive car and would cost a lot to repair" he points his finger to Brody who is now standing behind me in fear. I am getting DeJa'Vu all over again and it's like when I was six and knocked over a plant pot by the stairs and one of his 'expensive' shoes got some dirt on it and while he was scolding me I hid behind mum.
It was bad then but good because nobody else heard him yell, but now we are in public with a very popular restaurant where loads of people come and go within minutes. I have to be strong for Brody and try not to have an anxiety attack in front of him. I hold him behind me and he grabs onto my dress shaking with fear, he was too young to remember the yelling but I think of it one too many times during the day.
Dad always did care more about his 'things' than he did me and Brody, even mum. His priority is appearance, but his temper is short, as I spend time with him I am slowly realising why my parents got divorced.
I am sick of being walked on but I can take it, I will not have him talking to Brody like that. So, I do something that shocks Brody but mostly me, I stand up for him and myself.
"Stop yelling at him! Yes he slammed the door, it was an accident but only because he was excited to spend time with you from our core memories of being here, now because you have scared him so much that every time he will see this or go here in the future he will think of his sad excuse for a father yelling at him for slamming the door a little too hard and hiding behind his sister!"
I am too angry to realise that a small crowd has gathered but I have too much adrenaline to care and then I don't mean to but everything I feel comes up and I don't bother stopping.
"You never cared about us, only your stupid toys. If I slipped and fell in the mud, you never asked if I was okay. You would always say 'don't get your mess in my car!' or when Brody and me have play fights and we are having fun you yell at us for making noise and then we have no fun the rest of the day"
I see in my dad's eyes the fear that because I am grown up now I can finally stand up to him, he thought he had been getting away with it, not anymore
"Just because you don't know any different to how you were raised doesn't mean that that is how parenting is now, yes your parents weren't around much to show you affection. Yes you have built a life of your own and your very proud of yourself,"
I pause and take a breath, but I am far from finished. "You always said you never wanted to be like your father, the short temper, no affection, but you have turned into him and I don't want Brody around you if this is how you will treat him," I turn to Brody to see tears in his eyes.
My voice turns softer and quieter after seeing how scared Brody is.
"I thought you changed after you and mum divorced, for a while it was fun, you read me and Brody a bedtime story, we would laugh together but then you started to change back again and focused on work and your things and I don't want to relive that and most of all I don't want Brody to experience it. He may be eight but he is more aware of the world and can form proper memories now, this will most likely be the thing that sticks with him when he thinks of you"
I am so out of breath after letting out all the feelings I have kept in for so long. I look around realising everyone is staring and not moving, I touch my face and sniffle realising tears have fallen.
******