Because of how mad I was and how much Brody was crying I called mum to come and collect us, we drove back to dad's house to get our stuff but when we pulled in the driveway, I saw dad's car there and I decided to stay in the car next to a sleeping Brody.
She saw me looking uneasy in the back seat, so she said that she wasn't angry at us, she said she was glad I am learning to stand up for myself. She went inside and I had a feeling that they argued a bit as she took longer than usual than when she usually spoke to dad.
She came out twenty minutes later. "I'm sorry you have that man as your father. I said for him to step up or step down from being a dad or he loses both of you" I look back out the window we then drive home…
"…and that is how you do the equation, now try and do it on your own, turn to page two hundred and three." I snap out from thinking about two days ago and try and focus on the work in front of me. I'm thankful the teacher didn't yell at me for not paying attention.
I can't focus on anything anymore, I don't know how to think of anything when the only thing on my mind is my dad, was I too harsh? Was I too dramatic?
I really need to clear my head, so I get my green card that I got at the start of the year in case I ever needed to leave because of anxiety or just a breather every now and then, I have never really had an excuse to use it until now.
I show the teacher the card and I take my bag because I don't know how long I will be gone; I just start walking round the school getting some fresh air. And I pass the canteen and I look through to the other side and see Caden, I still don't know what I did for him to rush out like that.
I contemplate on going over to him for a few moments and then I just say, 'fuck it!' to myself and walk over to him through the doors to the outside.
I walk slower staring at the grass and as I am walking, I gain the courage to look up and I lock eyes with him. While staring at him it gives me the same feeling I have when I am always with him.
Warmth.
I point to the spot next to him under the tree and he nods and stares forwards, I look at the time on my phone and we have forty minutes until the lesson ends and then lunch starts.
We sit in silence avoiding eye contact, even though it was awkward last time we saw each other it is a comfortable silence with him. I try and start the conversation, but I have nothing to say.
"Look I'm sorry- "
"Hey listen- "
We both talk at the same time and stop when we realise the other one talked. We turn our heads to each other and laugh, I could listen to his laugh every time I feel sad, it would cheer me up within seconds.
"Why did you freak out on Thursday evening?" I really want to know what I did to make him react like that. "Did I do something wrong?"
I notice when I mention Thursday the air grows thicker. He doesn't look at me, only the front.
"You didn't do anything wrong; Thursday was one of the best days I've had in a long time trust me, I just- when we almost…I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't get close to people and it scared me. Everyone I've ever met has played with my feelings or have been fake. So, when we nearly…you know" of course I know, he is talking about our almost kiss. My heartrate increases. "I guess it just opened my eyes to something new I am not used to"
"I understand, I saw it with Brody and you. He took to you so quickly even though you were someone new, I am glad he really likes you. He said he missed you this weekend when we were with our dad"
Caden's ears perk up with the words "missed you". I can tell they are very foreign to him, and he is not used to hearing them.
"Did you?" I look at him confused.
"Did I what?"
"Did you miss me too?"
"Well, yeah I did, me and Brody both did"
"I wasn't talking about Brody"
I look at him more clearly but confused and still trying to work out what he meant. Then it clicks. "Did you miss me Caden?"
He stays silent and his cheeks go slightly red meaning he was blushing. I decide to tease him more and I love every second of it.
"You missed me! Admit that you did!" I laugh and he is trying not to cave.
"Okay! whatever I did" he laughs the most I've ever heard him.
"I knew it!" I fall onto him laughing and he doesn't hug me, he holds me in his arms and when I pull away, he pulls me closer to his side and I put my head on his shoulder and I turn my body to put my legs across his. This is a big step but its comfortable.
It goes quiet and I just lean back into him, and it just feels right. I finally feel the peace that I have been missing for so long. I'm glad he feels happy and comfortable enough around me to do this.
"How have you been?" I ask him, I notice him slide his fingers into mine and we play with our hands and put our fingers through each other's, his skin touching mine and min tracing his rings on his forefinger and middle.
"I've been surviving, I guess. Ignoring everyone and doing homework and listening to music loudly" we both stifle a laugh.
"Are you okay though?" I look at him. "I saw your face from this morning, your head was in the clouds, but it wasn't a happy feeling."
"Am I that obvious?" I mumble under my breath, but I know he heard me. "Just a lot on my mind but don't worry"
"But I do worry, we have gotten close in less time, and I can tell you just want to scream and tell people something is wrong. Well, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, and I want to listen"
I look at him and I can tell he is completely serious, and he is there for me. So, I tell him, tell him everything about my dad, about Brody being too young to understand, and how our mum is never home.
We never stopped playing with each other's hands, I feel so safe with him it's scary to me. This is all so new to me but because its new to him too and we are going through the same thing, and I don't want this feeling to end.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that alone" he says while tracing my knuckles.
"I wasn't alone, I have Brody and Clara" holding up two fingers. He reaches out and adds my ring finger to the two already standing.
"Now you have three" we both just sit there for a while staring at each other not needing words to talk.
The bell rings and we both jump apart not realising how close we had gotten. We both stand up and he rubs his neck while looking around nervously, "well id better go. I have advanced maths now"
That's something I didn't know he did. He just continues to surprise me. We walk back to the building in sync and go our separate ways and let the day continue as normal.
******
It is about two in the morning when I hear the banging against the door, who could it be? Mum is doing a night shift and most likely will crash at someone's house not wanting to make much noise if she comes home and wake us up.
I quickly get out of bed and check Brody's room, and he is fast asleep, he sleeps like a rock whereas I get woken up easily during the night, however I am the worst in the morning.
The banging stops as I am halfway down the stairs, my heart is hammering out of my chest. I slightly turn to go back up and the banging starts again.
I grab the umbrella that is closest to the door, and I slowly start walking towards the noise. It is so cold downstairs I feel so stupid for only wearing long jumper and tights as my choice to fall asleep in. I turn the outside light on, and I see the outline of the person from the foggy glass.
I immediately open the door and see Caden standing there, frozen from the air, and drenched from the rain that has been pelting down. But that is not even the most obvious thing I notice. His face is covered in bruises, black eye and a cut lip, the blood dripping from the corner on the left side. I don't hesitate to pull him in.
My hands grab onto his and they are as cold as ice and I study them, they have scratches on, some aren't visible much, but I can see outlines.
I don't ask him anything about what happened. When he is ready, he will come to me, that's if he wants to come to me that is. I drag him further to the house and into the living room and I leave him there for a bit and go and get the first aid kit.
I dig around for a bandage and some cleaning wipes. I walk lightly trying not to step on a squeaky board on the floor that might wake Brody up.
I stand by the door, and I look at the sight Infront of me, Caden is sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, I can imagine his eyes tearing up right about now. I like he is showing emotion to me, it means he knows I won't judge him and that he trusts me.
I make my way into the room and because I make a bit of noise, he snaps his head up and he wipes his eyes trying not to show that his guard has fallen in front of me.
"Here, I have got some wipes and bandage for your wrist"
He doesn't say anything, but I sit down next to him, a little closer than usual. I blame it on the reason to see his bruises, but I think we both know it's because we feel safe near each other.
I do his face first, I put a wipe up to his left eye and start rubbing it clean. I am trying to be gentle as possible but with how bad the bruise looks; I can see his flinching away every now and then, but he is fighting it. He is incredibly strong and seeing him so vulnerable to me right now shows he trusts me enough to see his scars.
I finish cleaning the eye and I look at the lip and realise I will need a tissue because of how much its bleeding. I decide to quickly get up and get a tissue but when I even move remotely away from him, he grabs onto my wrist with so much force showing he doesn't want me to leave him alone.
"I'm only getting something to help your lip" I say softly, I slowly pull away, but he again pulls me back surer of himself than last time. I look at him for an explanation and he says nothing but stares.
He stares in such a way it's like the roles have reversed and I am the one vulnerable instead of him. Like he can see what I'm thinking. We are so close I can smell dampness on his jacket from the rain a few minutes ago.
It's too hard for me to keep looking so I look down, but he doesn't let me finish as he catches my face with his hands before lifting my head with his fingers so delicately like I will break.
It's impossible to look away now, even though I am scared I don't think I want to look away. Considering what happened between us last week I want to savour this moment that we have before it ends.
With the way he is looking at me I feel exposed, but I don't want to cover up. It's a different look than before, more invested in me than concerned. Whatever it is I don't want him to look at anyone else this way but me.
His face is getting closer and closer, his eyes are watching my lips and then back to my eyes ever so slowly, I repeat the action and do the same to him, His bloody lip looks sore, but I don't think he cares about the pain right now as his attention is on something else. His eyes are very open like we are looking into each other's heart rather than mind.
Our lips are so close we can feel each other's breathes on our faces. He pulls my face closer, and I grab onto his jacket with the last strength that I have because he makes me feel like I've melted.
Just as our lips are about to touch there is a creak by the door, why now!
I turn my head to see who ruined the moment between us and it was the little monster who was supposed to be asleep. "What are you doing?" he asks completely curious about what he just witnessed.
I stall for a bit, trying to decide how to explain to an eight-year-old. I really don't want to have that kind of talk with him yet, its mums to do anyway.
I don't even look Caden's way because I am too embarrassed, he will want to leave now after this. I try and steer the conversation to something that isn't about me and Caden.
"Why are you up?"
"I was getting a drink of water because I was thirsty and then I heard the door open so I went to see who it was" I look down and I see the glass of water, he must have gotten it when we were preoccupied and didn't hear the tap running. I notice him rubbing his eyes with his left hand showing he is still tired and holding the cup with his right hand.
"Oh okay, why not try and go upstairs to bed and go to sleep. We will talk in the morning." I am glad he doesn't put up a fight and he do what he is told. I watch him as he climbs the stairs and I see how his hair is messy and his eyes are just about open.
I forget where I am sitting for a few moments and then I remember that Caden is sitting next to me, and I look at him with a calm expression. It is almost like he is studying me; the look is serious but soft, he puts his hand up and strokes my face like I am a China doll that is made of glass. He is looking at me in that way that I always love.
Caden leans in again and I think he is going to kiss me, so I close my eyes. I don't feel anything for a moment and then I feel two lips on the side of my left cheek. He lingers there for a moment more and then comes back to my view when I open my eyes.
"I better go" he whispers, then he starts to stand up and I grab onto his hand.
"Where will you sleep?"
"I'll find somewhere don't worry"
"Like you said, I do worry so you can stay here, you can have my bed and I can take the couch" he is quick to object but I beat him and get a blanket and I lay down while looking at him with a smug expression.
"Now you must sleep in my bed, no excuses. It's really comfortable and it looks like you need to rest your eyes." He says nothing, I can tell he wants to fight back but it's too late in the night to argue with me.
"I'm quickly going to the bathroom and then I will go to your room." I realise this is the first time he will ever see it. It's so messy but I can't be bothered to care because I am exhausted.
Caden walks away and up the stairs to the bathroom, and I turn the other way and sleep. The sofa isn't as comfortable as my bed but its bearable.
I haven't been asleep for that long but I can hear someone's footsteps, then someone holding me close to them and lifting me up so I cuddle into their warm embrace and they are taking me somewhere this dream is so nice, I am heavy so nobody in real life would be able to carry me might as well enjoy the moment, then I hit a comfy duvet and fluffy pillow that I immediately hold on to and snuggle in.
I don't open my eyes because I don't want this dream to end. But then I feel lips on my forehead, at least I think it was a dream.
******