The next week without Caden was so painfully slow, somehow, he made my day worth it but it's like he is gone from existence because I never once saw him turn up to college this week. It didn't take long for Brody to realise that something was wrong with me, and I never mentioned Caden's name again. It all started on Monday, we were very late that day, I managed to get out of bed, get dressed and Brody to mum's car all in the space of thirty minutes.
I say get dressed, my hair was messy, my shirt was inside out, and I was a complete disaster, just like the days following on. I really wasn't myself. Today is Thursday, and I didn't realise how badly Caden's presence affected me and without him I didn't feel myself. The day was slow, I couldn't really concentrate, and I felt myself drown in the pool I had once swam out of a long time ago.
Thursday evening Brody came up to me on the couch and curled up into my side and under the blanket I had around me. "We will be alright" he gave me his million-dollar smile and gripped my hand so tightly, I smiled back and that was the first time in days I had shown another emotion. I held him closer to me and then I realised that I would have to go back to before Caden was in our life.
I've given up on so much, but I will not give up on Brody. He needs me and I am going to be there for him.
The college week was normal, but I didn't see Clara much as she was sick coming back from going to her grandmother's house and I was left alone for two days, but I guess it was a good thing because she couldn't ask me what I was wrong and why looked the way I did.
I cleaned myself up and went to college today. And I felt good. I had cleared my mind and only focused on studies and my brother. It is now Friday and that means that Caden has missed five whole days off college, either that or he has been good at hiding or I am just unobservant.
Mum told me that she can pick Brody up from school today as she got out early, she asked what time I finished and because I finish before she does, she said for me to make my own way home, I didn't argue with her, and I was kind of glad so I could just have some time to myself on the way home.
The bell rang and I made my way out of the gates, I heard a voice calling my name I turn around and I see Caitlin jogging up to catch up with me.
"hey" she sounds so out of breath; how long had she been running?
"Have you seen Clara at all? I have tried looking around for her but there isn't a sign of her" I inwardly smile.
"She is sick, but I'll let her know you tried looking for her"
"Oh no need. I have her number and I'll see how she is" She notices my eye and she look as if she knows something I don't, I am still trying to work out their relationship. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.
I got to the bus stop just quick enough to catch the early bus. We are about five minutes in, and we have stopped for a few people to get on the bus, as if it wasn't already heaving before, it is now.
I look out the window trying to ignore the amount of people around me trying not to let my anxiety get to me and as I am looking out the window, I can tell it is a rough neighbourhood by the litter on the floor and the graffiti on innocent signs and houses. I pass through here every day and don't acknowledge it much but then I see a beaten-up car, I notice it and remember who it belongs to. I just want to check if he is alright so just as the bus is about to pull away from the curb and carry on the journey I quickly get up and walk through the crowd of people and yell stop.
Thank God the bus driver heard me but in the result of him hearing and holding him and everyone else up he gave me a dirty look which I did not find amusing and because I didn't appreciate that he did not get a thank you from me as I exited the bus, let's see how he likes it.
I get off and look to where Caden's car is, and I notice he isn't there, so I look around the area and I get instantly nervous by the noises. The police sirens and I hear groups of people and they sound as though they are in a gang, and I hear them getting louder and I do not want to cross them, so I hide behind a bush and wait until they pass me.
Then I hear even more yelling than before, a man's voice and he I can tell he is angered, but what by? I try and get a closer look by moving the branches of the bush to one side so I can get a clear view. I see a man in his early late forties early fifties and there is a boy in front of him who I think is his son. They have similar hair to one another, I can't place it, but the man looks familiar to me. Then taking me by surprise he lifts his arm and swings at the boy, they both yell back and forth.
"It's all your fault, she is gone because of you"
"Dad you are drunk, you don't know what you're saying" this just angered him more and the dad struck again and this time with the impact of the smack the boy shot around in an almost circle and his face got in my eyeline, and I have no words when I recognise who is standing faulty in front of me.
Its Caden.
I think back to the days when rumours were just rumours and now, I guess one of them is true because I saw it with my own eyes, his dad really does abuse him. But I can tell his father is intoxicated, his eyes are red and swollen. I can tell he hasn't slept and had alcohol to keep him awake.
I don't know how to react, if I show myself Caden wont like it and then his dad might get angrier that someone knows that he hurts him. My mind goes to the worst scenario possible most of the time. I look back to them and I can tell Caden needs to leave before he does something bad because I see his knuckles curl and go white. "Don't do it" I mumble under my breathe.
He turns around in anger and he is about to get into his car, his dad still screaming to him. I bet the neighbourhood are used to this as nobody is coming out to see the drama that is happening. But as his hand is on the car door he looks over to where I am, shit! I think he knew I was here the whole time. He takes his hand off it and he look at his dad heading inside tired of Caden not giving him a reaction. Then he looks back to me, emotionless. All I see is his lip that had just healed has busted open again. If it causes him pain which I am sure it, is he is doing an Oscar performance of hiding it.
He holds my gaze for a moment longer and he forgets the idea of the car and he walks away, down the road away from me and I already know he is expecting me to follow him, so I do. We walk one behind the other, he is about twenty steps ahead of me.
We walk for another few minutes and I realise where he is heading, it's the park me and Brody go to quite often. It must mean something to Caden as it does to me and my brother. I see him sit down on the bench facing the field and I already know he is waiting for me to follow.
I sit and then none of us talk for what seems like forever. Until he breaks the silence with a sentence that needs more explanation and leaves me in shock that he is trusting me with what he is saying.
"I had carried her to the hospital, half conscious and overdosed, but alive.I was the only one who waited with her for her recovery, and every day she would reiterate how much she loathed me for it." He looks at me and I can tell this is a lot for him to say so I take his hand and nod at him to keep going. He shuts his eyes and I see a small tear fall; I wipe it with my free hand, and he leans into it like it's the one thing to help him survive. I listened to everything he had to say and didn't speak until he wanted me to.
"I was nine and my sister rose was three when it started, before that we were a normal family, then my father Robert started to drink, and his temper got worse. By the time I was twelve I could tell that something wasn't right, my mums' hands would shake around Robert. I despise him for what he put her through…" I notice he doesn't like using the word dad much, we have that in common. His eyes are broken from the tears, but he needs to get this out. I move positions and I hold him while he grabs onto my waist almost making sure I am real. My heart goes out to him, and I feel so sorry that he has been through so much in such little time, and as a child.
How could I not notice him holding in his emotions!
"Because we forget people around us when we are going through something, don't worry too much its normal" I must have said that part out loud by accident to him replying that way. he forces out a laugh that I know is all too fake, but I don't press him on it.
He continues on from where he left off "I was awake one night and I heard slaps being thrown around. No noise came from their room, just the slaps were heard. I was wondering why I couldn't hear my mums voice, I got out of bed, and I crept outside their bedroom, and I saw something so scaring I don't want to ever experience again, I remember it so clearly. My mum had duct tape over her mouth, and she had her hands behind her back. I saw the red start to show. I was in the dark and I didn't think she could see me but then I heard Robert's voice come out and say next to her ear 'you wouldn't want our kids to wake up, would you?' he said it in such a way it made my skin crawl. Then he hit her again and again, just as I was about to open the door she caught my eyes and they begged not to make a noise and go back to bed."
"I didn't know it then but she was taking the beatings for the things I did wrong, like leave a mug on the sink instead of a dishwasher, for coming home late on accident when it was mums turn to collect me. We were having the best time at the ice cream shop we lost track of time." He stops and he holds onto me more firmly.
"The first time he beat me was that night and he must have heard the floorboards creek under my bare feet. Sweat dripped on the side of my face, I heard my mother's cry as loud as she could through the tape keeping it shut. He walked over to the door, and I was frozen…I couldn't move even if I wanted to, I knew what I was doing, and no doubt Robert knew as well. I saw my mother's eyes, fear in every way possible. He stepped out the room and I surrendered, I said in a loud and shaky voice 'do it to me and not her, I can take it. Just don't hurt my mum' and he listened. From that day onwards he would only hit me." My eyes were watering, and tears were free falling hearing him tell me this. He must have noticed me choking up and he brought his face up to mine. He kissed my tears and put his forehead against mine and held the back of my head keeping it there.
"It slowly came to an end, but it was just the calm before the storm, and it broke my family when it was the day of the worst storm we have ever come across. It was a few days after my thirteenth birthday and my sister rose was 7, she was incredibly smart for her age, just like Brody, he reminds me of her in a way, not wating to share me with anyone. I think that is why I took to Brody so quickly; it reminds me of how my rose once was" my ears catch onto the word 'was' I look at him to say it's not what I think but he never does. He watches me and he breaks down and cries for a few moments and I just sit their listening to his pain, wanting to just take the pain from him and onto me.
"We were heading out for the day to go to bird world for my party as my parents had to work on my birthday. We had got in the car with no trouble but before that I could tell something was up with my dad, his eyes were red, and he looked tired. I said to him if he didn't feel up to it, we can cancel. But he protested and he got into the car. I should have known something was wrong and I could have prevented it." I squeeze his hand like the first time we met, and I helped him with his breathing as his now is starting to speed up and he is losing control.
"I've got you" I repeat in a calm voice that turns into a whisper I say to him stroking his hair, his head is on my shoulder
"We were halfway there and then Robert had to go ahead and crash into the car in front from not seeing the traffic stop on the crossroads and then another car came from the side and hit where Rose was. I screamed when I saw blood coming from her head and her eyes closed. I pulled her out of her seat and on my lap not wanting to let her go. Then the officers saw her state and took her away from me and they split us up." He lets out a long breath, a silent scream escapes him. I can tell he is struggling so much and tries to hold himself together for me but most importantly himself to get through the story that has been eating at him for years. Once he finishes it will be a weight off his shoulders and he will feel so much better.
"I wasn't in this week because I was visiting my mum. She didn't take Roses death well, none of us did but it hurt her so much more because we were both incredibly close to our mother. A few days after Roses funeral my mum refused to see me because I looked too much like Rose." He slowed his talking down taking his time.
"Take as long as you need" I tell him and he nods, not feeling pressure from me.
"Last year I came home one day to find my mother passed out on the floor with pills in her hand. Rose left me, I don't even know my father anymore and now my mother was about to leave me too and I couldn't let that happen. I felt alone all the time but at least I knew she was there, she always was. The pain was too much for her to bare so she did something about it, her way might have been the easy way out, but I still needed her, so I took her cold hands and called an ambulance and we got to the hospital and while I was waiting outside for her, I heard her scream. 'I should have died! Who brought me here?!' she yelled with such fear and anger I didn't know what to do other than walk in and say, 'it was me'. I told her that I would rather she stay alive and hate me than be dead and me left alone with nobody." He stops and just sits up away from me, but he grabs onto my hand not letting it go anytime soon and I wouldn't let him.
"She said to me that she loathes me, and she never wants to see me again. But I didn't give up on trying to help her get better. When we had our argument last week, I didn't want to be alone. So, I went and visited my mother her name is Jessica. She is in a rehab centre getting treatment. She still doesn't look the best, but she has improved with trying to still be there for me."
"You are the strongest person I have ever met, and I know she is very proud of you for how far you have come." He doesn't look very bothered by my words, so I carry on.
"I am proud of you" he moves his head so fast to face mine I think he got whiplash.
"Really? You are?" he says it in a way that he thinks I am lying but I smile and respond saying yes.
"I am so happy you can trust me enough to tell me that experience you went through, you and your mum have it tough and I admire you for fighting."
He doesn't say anything because he is still taking what I am saying in. So, I do something that surprises myself just as much as him and I kiss his cheek. Its cold from him crying, I look down a bit and notice his ear has a hole in them I look back to his eyes he realises what I am looking at I notice the other one, he has his ears pierced. I might by him some earrings in the future, not the point!
He pulls me up onto him, so I am straddling him, this is new, and he puts his head on my shoulder and he put his arms around me holding me securely I do the same and wrap my arms around his head.
"I'll crush you" I say into his ear, I start to pull off him, but he pulls me back down with a bit more force.
"Then crush me, but I doubt you would" he replies into my neck and moves to look at me but not before putting a small kiss on my neck.
We are kissing everywhere but our lips!
"I almost forgot" he digs around in his pocket of his jacket and pulls out a CD one that I know all too well.
Its my favourite band, all time low on the front of it.
"I know its your favourite and I managed to get the new album they released a few days ago"
"But how did you know- "
"I overheard you talking to that girl you are always with, and you said they are your favourite band" I say nothing and look silently at him smiling and he returns it twice as big.
"Are you happy?" not even a second passes and I am hugging him with everything in me.
"Thank you!" I say in a very overwhelmed but happy voice. He laughs and hugs me back.
"You're welcome angel"
*****