Another day in hell. The weekend went so quickly and now its back to Monday.
Why do we need to go to college anyway? Most of the stuff we learn we don't ever need or use when we are in the real world. Seems a bit pointless to me.
I am halfway to my class when I spot a board of competitions, none really catch my eye. It's not like I'm ever going to enter one it's just fun to see what's going on and what I could do if I had the confidence. I notice a few drawing and sport competitions but then I look to the left and see a story writing one.
I've only ever tried writing a few times, I've never stuck to it but I am determined to write one in the future. The beginning is decent the middle is okay but I can never finish it, nothing seems to be a perfect ending for me.
I look around and its pretty deserted in the hallway so I have a few minutes before I have to be in class since I am early.
"Are you going to sign up for one?" A voice startles me from where I am standing.
I look to my left and see Caden James looking nervous because he just spoke to me, I can tell he is nervous because he is playing with his hands not knowing how to control his anxiety and he is staring at me waiting for me to answer.
He never talks to anyone, so why is he talking to me?
Maybe he just wants to make sure I haven't said anything about what happened in the library.
"Hello?" I blink a few times from being side tracked and realise I never answered him and he is still waiting.
"No"
"Why not?" He asks genuinely curious to hear my answer.
"I mean there are so many people who are incredible at it but my anxiety gets in the way and I overthink everything not to mention I could fail-" I speak so quickly it's a miracle if he can even understand me but then I realise I am rambling a lot so I stop myself from going on.
By me mentioning anxiety he instantly tenses up but I can see a bit of hope in his eyes that proves he is not the only one who has it.
I look around nervous. Only a few are here but they are talking amongst themselves, thank god nobody saw and heard that except for the person in front of me.
Caden clears his throat and it looks like he is slightly relieved I am talking a lot to him and breaking the weird tension, I am just embarrassed and my face goes red. I just laugh under my breath anxiously avoiding his inviting eyes.
"Listen about what you saw in the library…I'm sorry. It happens when I least expect it. If I would have known someone was there I would have gone somewhere more private."
I look at him too stunned to speak, I think that is the most I've ever seen or heard him say.
"It's ok, you don't have to hide or apologise, I have anxiety attacks nearly daily and it can be scary when your alone. I am happy to help you."
He looks at me like he was expecting me to get annoyed with him. I wouldn't know why he would even think that.
He looks up and back to me released a breath before speaking again.
Oh my god! We are actually having a conversation and its not awkward. Progress!
"You say anxiety attack so casually" he stifles an awkward laugh, did I just make him laugh?
"Can I just ask you one thing?" I nod my head eagerly in response. I can't help but notice that he looks more scared than when we started talking. I want to hold his hand to help him but we don't really know each other so it would be really weird.
"Why did you help me?" he stutters a bit "I-I mean why did you stay and look at me normally instead of look at me like I'm a freak? Why aren't you annoyed that I'm the one who made you late for class"
I was not expecting him to say the last part, It hurts me a bit that he thinks I'm annoyed.
"Anxiety is normal and being a person who has it, it sometimes helps when someone is with you. I held your hand to help you get through it and I understand if you feel embarrassed, you don't have to be but all I want to say is thank you for letting me help you I am glad you are feeling better." I see a hidden smile appear on his face. Then I go onto add, "And for the class thing, forget about it I didn't like the teacher anyway" I laugh.
He looks at me softer than before laughing a bit with me. His guard has dropped a bit, I can almost see the mask falling from his face and I can see the real him, but it was short lived as the bell rang and he went back to a stone expression and didn't offer a goodbye and walked the opposite way from me.
That was weird, I thought we were getting on fine.
******
I am sitting at home with my laptop and earplugs in from my phone listening to music. I'm listening to all out eighties, it is my favourite decade. My dad says I should have been born in the eighties because of how much I love it.
Speaking of dad he is calling me.
"Hey dad"
"Hey how are you?"
"Apart from being tired from college I am good, you?"
"I'm alright, just wanted to see how you were doing and see which weekend you are free to come to me. I have a surprise for you and Brody and Its too big to tell you over the phone"
This makes me curious and makes me want to know what it is.
"We are free this weekend coming up, is that okay?"
"Perfect. I have to get back to work so I will pick you up Friday from college and your brother straight after"
"Okay sounds good"
"Bye I love you"
"yeah I-"
call disconnected.
"I love you too"
******
Tuesday morning, yay!
Note the sarcasm.
I am listening to my favourite playlist of songs, most of these helped me through the rough times, when my parents got divorced, when I found out I have severe anxiety and depression and the comments my mum has made on my weight.
I've gone through a lot and I don't tell anyone, I would but nobody wants to know my story so I keep to myself and help others, that's how it usually is. I never think of myself, they always come first for me.
Clara knows my story because when I was on one of my first days at the new school I was in the bathroom having a panic attack and she saw me and wouldn't leave until she knew I was okay and then she gave me some song suggestions and I've listened to them whenever I feel down. Music is the only thing that understands me and how I feel.
Wait a minute!
Then I realise that this is a great way to get Caden to talk to me again, see if he listens to the same music I have, I could go to the music store and get some CDs for him that I think he will like and help him out more.
I see him by the tree at lunch avoiding everyone and I am more confident about what I'm going to do after college.
"Hey Clara do you want to go to the music store today after college ends?"
"I'd love to" I knew she couldn't resist, she almost loves music as much as I do.
"Thinking about it me and you haven't spent that much time together unless its here in the hell hole" I laugh at her comment.
"Yeah we haven't, I've missed not hanging out with you"
"a little birdy told me they saw you talking to the outcast of this place?"
I wonder who must have told her. I try and act as if I don't know, but she sees right through me. I give up and tell her but I don't say anything about the library, if it was me I wouldn't want anyone to say anything, its not their business.
I tell her that we just talked about the competitions I was looking at. She doesn't think of it thank god, more of the person I was talking about
"Wow, like you actually had a full on conversation with him? Who would have thought you would ever talk to the outcast"
When Clara repeats the word outcast I instantly get defensive.
"he is not an outcast he is just different, Caden is unique in his own way. It's annoying that most people don't think that way about others"
I'm glad she doesn't fight me on this the only thing she says is to be careful.
The end of the day comes and I am now heading to the music store with Clara.
Is what I am thinking of doing for Caden too much? I mean we have had only two interactions. I overthink too much. I'm learning to just go fuck it and do it.
We get to the store and I go to the section that is rock and I find the songs that I love most and helped me through the hard times. I am hoping this can make him come out of his shell a bit.
******