A room filled with moonlight. You were laying on a bed, with me on the other side. Then you turned your back. You had a tattoo. A wolf roaring on your back. It's engraved on my vision for about half a minute before you face me back. Your lonely and languid iridescence blue eyes stare at me sleepily. You reached out your hand, playing with a handful of my hair that was scattered on the pillow. You said, your voice deep and hoarse, with a slight quiver that shook my eardrums gently.
"Wanna do it now?"
I answer you in a whisper, "If you don't mind."
Then you wake up from your sleep. Your stout and sturdy body blocked the moonlight that streamed from the window pane to hitting me. You made my world dark for a while. Your colourless hair seems to glow in the dark like a hackmanite. My hands itch not to reach you and play with your soft hair. I could only hold myself in place.
We don't share the same history as the past. I only know you as a mere name in a series of letters that make up a paragraph, and you don't even know that I've lived somewhere in a different world. However, now we can be brought together in the same place by a wonder of destiny like this. Don't you find it strange?
"What are you thinking about?" You move closer to me. Your hand is heated as hot coals cupped one side of my frozen cheek.
I answered while my eyes were still glued to the crumpled surface of the bed sheets. "Nothing." I lie smoothly.
I can't tell you that I was forced to be where I am now, that I was forced to be near you, that I was compelled to speak to you and offer you my life at a low price. I scavenge for your trust and protection, but there certainly isn't much I can offer you. I only have life attached to this flesh, can you accept and appreciate it?
Your hand that was still warming my cheek twitched slightly, and you said once again, "You can back off if you have any doubts."
Am I in doubt?
Of course, I doubt it. Indirectly I have thrown my own life into your hands, and without fully understanding you, I have given all control of my life to you.
Aren't I scared?
Of course, I was scared. But I can't back down. I won't say cowardly words like I have no other choice. I have many other options waiting by my side. But of course, not all options are good to choose from. And in the end, here I am, at the worst possible choice.
I shook my head. You move closer. You looked down deep enough to be level with my face, so I could count your curly eyelashes and measure the softness of your mannequin-looking skin. When I wonder if you truly live in all your physical perfection, you say, "In which hidden place do you want me to mark?"
Can't you ask that embarrassing question right in my face?
Seeing my discomfort, you can only laugh softly. You said once again in your baritone voice. Your nose touches mine, letting me feel your tenderness. "Alright, you make me choose."
Since I didn't answer, you decide for yourself.
"How about your belly?"
I agreed.
I wish I had a bit of a more interesting personality.
I don't know how to seduce. I don't know how to make myself look attractive. I've never been in love with someone before, so it's hard for me to motivate myself to look good in certain someone's eyes.
If I ever liked someone, I would only admire them from a distance. Then let time erode my feelings without showing them off to the world. I am the real definition of a passive life. So far I've only lived by accepting. My mother planted a dream for me, then my school teacher planted a goal for me. Nothing I precisely chose myself.
And a passive person like that for some reason was suddenly instructed to protect the life of this useless villainess. At first, I was so excited to imagine that I would be the one to decide everything myself in this new world. But then I became terrified at the thought that my choice might backfire on me. I then became afraid that I too would be equally helpless in this world.
I'm glad that I was given one more chance to be completely in control of my new life. But on the other hand, I also feel sick and disgusted by the fact that I have to go to the trouble of saving someone else's dirty life.
Can I do it?
"Focus on me."
If before you had only one hand on my cheek, now your both hands are cupping tightly on both sides of my face. Makes me look up and look directly into your slightly more ambitious blue eyes. Your big, round eyes are decorated with a pair of slightly furrowed brows. I can't see your pointy nose because it's stuck to mine, out of my line of sight. I pray to God every night that I will not fall into your intoxicating charm.
If I was told to love, I wouldn't want to love someone as hard to reach as you, because that would be as painful as being burned alive.
If I could choose, I would pray to God that I wouldn't have to love anyone in this new world. If there is someone I might love more than my own life, then that person is surely my own child.
"Focus on me, Kirsi."
Your lips that used to say seductive and annoying words spoke right in front of mine. Your breath is warm, like a fresh summer breeze. I nod to you. I think the only aspect that keeps me from being unfocused on you is you yourself, if you want to know.
Your face moved away from mine. You then move one of your hands behind my head, and your other hand supports my waist. You laid me down as gently as possible on the soft surface of the bed, as if the day you wildly choked me never happened, as if the time you hurt me never existed.
When I lay resignedly on the surface of the bed, you were on top of me. Your hands run gradually down my sides, as if measuring me against them, before stopping at the edge of my nightgown. Your eyes never leave mine, as if to make me calm and believe in you. It feels weird because no one can make me more uneasy than you, and no one can make me more sure than you. To me, you are my arbitration, you are my contradiction.
Your hands expose my body under the moonlight. Sometimes you like to be mean and touch me in various places, but I know you always keep your boundaries. You may still hug me tight even when I say no, but I know you don't stop because you know I'm not uncomfortable. I'm just socially awkward and you know that. I'm not used to skinship and my refusal is only ignorance of unfamiliar things.
I don't know if I can serve you in bed like a normal married couple, but I guess maybe I won't give it much thought. Or maybe I can think casually like this since nothing has happened yet. We've never even kissed.
Entirely, you and I are quite compatible in some aspects. One of them is that we both hold ourselves back even though on the outside, we look arbitrary.
I hope we can be on good terms until the end.
When my mind returns to its current state, I feel your hand on my stomach sending a tickling tingling sensation throughout my body. Your face that was originally in front of me is now descending downwards in an orderly fashion. I didn't know what was going on down there, because I decided to close my eyes and see nothing.
You kiss my belly gently. You then open your mouth, your wet tongue tickles my skin, and your sharp teeth start deliberately tearing my flesh. You bit me. Every cell in my body reported the sensation to my brain swiftly. I'm in pain. Just when I thought that the pain would gradually increase, you suddenly stopped and rose from above my body. My satin nightgown which lifted high before now lowered back politely. You tidy up my garments like a pious child. When I opened my eyes in confusion, your small giggle entered my ears. I looked at you in amazement, and you stared back at me with amusement.
"Where did you hear the term blood vow?"
Your sudden question made me stutter. I made up my answer as I pleased, fabricated it so you wouldn't know that I was a reader who entered the world of a novel that I read lightly. I can't say that I know the term from the novel I read, can I?
Because to you, the novel is your real world, right?
"I found out from a bum who just happened to be passing by." I knew this sounded absurd. Because no matter how good I try to makeup, you will still realize my lie.
You let out a small chuckle. Then your hand poked my forehead badly. When I was about to get angry, you cut me off with a slice of explanation, classically silencing my mouth. "No wonder your knowledge is very shallow about it. What do you think might happens if you vowed yourself and your whole life to someone who is not responsible when you are pregnant? "
What do you mean?
Chatting in the middle of the night is not very suitable for me because I get sleepy easily and lose focus in an instant.
You flicked my forehead once again. "That means you will also leave your future child's life to that person. Are you being serious now?"
I gasped and nearly lost my breath in the pool of shock.
Am I stupid?
I'm so stupid!
It hasn't even been a month and I've almost sold my own child's life.
I only know that in this novel, blood vows are presented in a slick and romantic way, as if dedicating one's life to others is a luxury. When I read it, I could only click my tongue and sneered. The protagonist dedicates his life to Heroin, and then readers who are thirsty for romance welcome him enthusiastically.
I don't think it's a big deal when I offer you such a vow. I had a little concern that things wouldn't go as smoothly as in the original novel's script, but that was quickly brushed aside by the idea that you'd have a little more faith in me.
I had no idea that a dedication, no matter how badly implemented, would still be such a serious thing.
I asked you timidly, "So... you didn't really do that just now did you?"
And you answered me seriously, "No way. I maybe could not trust you, but an unborn child has nothing to do with our problem."
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I asked once again, "Then how else can I earn your trust? I will do anything as long as it doesn't harm my baby." I truly mean what I said, and you know that well.
You lay beside me without a word. While I turned my head and kept looking at you waiting for your answer, you slept facing the ceiling and didn't say anything. While I waited, you thought about your answer.
You then said, a long tired sigh opened your sentence. "At first I was off your radar, and so am I against you. We don't know each other, you and your world and I are with mine. When you suddenly ran up to me and tied me up, I was left with no choice but to question why. I hope you understand what I mean. "
I nodded even though I knew you wouldn't see it. I answer you with confidence, hoping that this feeling is conveyed to you. "Give me some time, and I'll let you get to know me better as time goes on."
You didn't answer me, but I know that answers don't always come in words.
-0-
The morning came without warning. No roosters were crowing around here considering there were no other pets than fish in the vast grounds of the Crown Prince's household. I jolted awake a little earlier than usual, as if I had returned to my waking schedule in my previous life.
The ceiling of the room is the first object that comes to my eyes. I blinked a dozen times in an attempt to reclaim my soul that was scattered as I was being chased by endless nightmares. The ticking of the clock filled the silence around me. I peeked at it to check the time. It's still 6 in the morning. It's too soon for me to function in my normal circumstance. But I couldn't go back to sleep because my consciousness was fully collected.
And when I turned to the side, the sight of someone wrestling with paperwork soon greeted me. He wore a monocle over one eye, while his athletic body was perfectly exposed beneath his drooping nightgown. I looked at him for a while before greeting him in a sleepy voice. "Good morning. "
"Yes."
I lay on my side to make it easier for me to pay attention to him. My head was propped up with one hand, while the other was fiddling with the hems of the blanket against my chest, covering something embarrassing enough to show. I commented to him, "It's rare to see you still laying beside me when I wake up."
His blue eyes were still focused on the paperwork in his hand as he replied, "I'm on my leave."
"I see." I tilted my head, trying to imitate the class idol girl who was able to attract a lot of attention just by being cute. But the man in front of me didn't blink an eye at my efforts. "Does that mean you don't have anything to do?"
"I have something to work on."
"Holidays are supposed to be spent lazing around, you know?"
Cedric nodded, pretending to agree with me.
Alright, since that doesn't work, I'll use brute force. I pinched his legs under the blankets with my feet, forcing him to turn to me with a furrowed brow. "What now? "
"Don't you feel guilty? Even though I have forgiven you, your evil treatment last night is still etched in my heart." With those shameless words of mine, he finally gave in and put his important documents on the side nightstand.
He folded his arms across his chest and faced me completely, "Alright. I'm jobless now."
I smiled at him. "Make me breakfast. I'll eat whatever it is as long as you cook it."
I can't help but crave it on this frigid morning just like men who can't avoid getting morning wood. Just like what he experienced this morning. I yet tried my best not to peek that way. I'm embarrassed to death just thinking about it.
Did he read the paperwork to distract himself just now?
Wasn't he too lovely for a former womanizer?
When I was thinking such nonsense in my head, Cedric burst out laughing as he got up from the bed.
What?
Why is he laughing?
Does my request sound stupid enough to laugh at?
Cedric bends down to pull me with him, forcing me off the bed and follow him. "Accompany me and I will cook an amazing breakfast for you."
Bullshit.