When I saw Kirsi Daciana, the thought of me not breaking the rules I made myself momentarily disappeared in my mind.
Humans learn to talk and button their shirts from looking at other people, then learn to walk from trying them the first time, the second time, the third time, and so on. Humans are imitative animals. Humans are animals endowed with common sense and the ability to limit themselves. That way, to live among the human colonies that form a single unit called society, I have to be good at 'imitating' them.
Humans agree that being naked in public is shameful. Humans moreover agree that killing other people is a grave sin. But they have double standards for animals. To kill chickens and cows is a necessity and a habit, but if it comes to cats and dogs, they will protest and get mad. Shows clearly that humans are individual beings who will only care about those who are close to them. Just as I would rather eliminate dirty and corrupt people than touch those who are obedient, I also agree with that mindset.
Humans are creatures who live by agreeing on what things can and cannot be done. Even without prior agreement, all humans agree that violating the above is a crime. And they agreed to call it the 'norm'. Whether since when this mutual understanding began, no one knows exactly.
People often say, if you want to live comfortably, then live within the established lines and respect those norms. However, there will be a few people from the class who speak such sweet words, who are only good at talking, who speak so sweetly, but don't precisely do what they say. That's because humans are used to expecting kindness from others. They want others not to break the rules, they also press for others to meet the standards set, while allowing themselves to be outside as spectators.
Based on the norms they set, I am required to feel sad when an individual or group experiences a calamity. I am required not to indulge in the misery of others, and violating it would be even worse than the party who caused the calamity itself. Thinking that the world wouldn't last for seven days if all mankind enjoyed the misery of others like eating three meals a day, I agreed with that decision.
I must not enjoy the misery, sorrow, fear, suffering and tears of others, and I must respect the feelings of others.
I don't understand feelings like sympathy and so on emotionally, nor the reason why I should have them. I only recognized that kind of feeling as a 'social norm'. To survive in this society, I must obey it well. Therefore, I learned it from other people.
I do know what is bad and wrong, I just can't care much about it.
Just as a child learns to talk and tie his shoelaces from looking at other people, I also learn to recognize surrounding emotions and feelings by paying attention to the reactions of those around me. I set my boundaries like everyone else, and made myself a promise not to break them.
In addition to promising the social community not to laugh when someone cries next to me, I also promised myself to eliminate everything that could potentially annoy me neatly and cleanly, so that I would not be banished from this society.
I have to keep these two promises to survive. Although periodically, there will be times when the urge to break it arises.
It happened when I saw Kirsi Daciana.
I don't mind hugging her. And while hugging her, I pointed a knife at her back. If I had to keep my second promise, then I shouldn't hesitate to eliminate her. She is a threat to me. She's the biggest anomaly in my plans. I didn't hesitate at all to stab her. I didn't even hesitate at all when I choked her that time. I truly yearn for her death.
However, a part of me that was trying to break that promise screamed loudly, saying out loud that that part of me wanted to see, witness firsthand, how that woman would mess up my plans going forward. The only reason why I stopped the pace of my knife towards her neck was based on this momentary desire.
I don't have the slightest sympathy for her. Not even now. I don't enjoy seeing her cry, nor do I enjoy seeing her happy. I just can't feel anything. When I saw her messing up my plans while arguing that she was doing it for my sake, I just thought that this might be a little fun to watch.
On the one hand, Kirsi is my biggest threat. But on the other hand, it's so easy to get rid of her that I can buy time for her. I will see to what extent she can say she did everything for my sake.
That doesn't make sense.
This morning, I cooked her a simple breakfast, and she ate it. I was the worst person she could ever meet, and yet she relaxed in front of me. Is it because she doesn't know? But, the way she looks at me feels like she can penetrate me. Her confidence was evident when she looked at me, as if she had known me longer than my parents. It made me feel enthusiasm and discomfort at the same time.
"Do you believe in God?"
Her straightforward questioning paused my first bite for a moment. I asked her back, "Why do you think so?"
Even without asking, I could tell what was on her mind just by looking at her. But the fruit ripe on the tree is sweeter than the ripened fruit on the ground. I'm more interested in hearing the answer directly from her pretty mouth to judge the quality of her speech. So I can tell in those moments when I suddenly can't read her mind, whether she's going to lie or not.
She casually replied, "You never pray before eating."
I chuckled. The kind of laughter I learned from the people around me. The type of laughter used to sweeten the atmosphere. Oh, or maybe to make things worse. I replied, "I do believe."
I'm not lying at all. She realized it too. She put on an indifferent face as if she wasn't thinking about anything, even though I knew that she was the one who thought the most. She's observant enough to notice my observation towards her.
"I see."
"Any agenda today?" I asked.
She tilted and shakes her head, answering me, "No."
"Come with me."
"To where?"
"Palace. The Emperor wants to see you."
A drop of sweat ran through her temple, cut across her neck, and vanished into her v-line nightgown. "Okay."
-0-
Winter arrives faster and lasts longer in certain places, especially areas in the North and beyond, including the capital. The streets froze quickly. Piles of snow complicate horse-drawn carriage access to a headache-inducing degree. I checked the weather today with the stablekeeper of my residence whose name I can never even remember.
This old man was sweating profusely in the pouring snow trying to rule the world with the cold. When he explained how difficult it was to get a horse-drawn carriage out into the street today, I half listened and half didn't care.
Frederick who was both cold and full of complaints offered me his cigarette. I accept it. When there was neither a lighter nor a match between us to light the cigarette, I decided to borrow one from someone else, but it was only us here. The old stablekeeper is unreliable considering not everyone has enough money to be a smoker. The salary of the employees in this residence was big enough to spoil everyone's ass. It's just that this old man prefers to spend his money on alcohol and pretty girls in the brothel.
I bit the tip of my cigarette resignedly.
"Want to light the wick with my cigarette?" Frederick offered, and I didn't mind doing that.
I waved my hand to ask him to come closer, and he did. His face was not far from mine with a lit cigarette between his teeth. Since I was a little taller than him, I had to bend slightly so that the tip of my cigarette touched the end of his lit cigarette. We stayed in this position long enough at least until my cigarette was lit.
When we both pulled away, my wife stood frozen not far from where I was. She didn't look surprised or worried at all. She just stood still. Somehow it made me look like a husband who was caught having an affair.
Frederick and I are close friends. It's normal for us to light each other's cigarettes in the same way as before. It's just that we wouldn't do it if someone else was looking, because that would attract strange thoughts from the other, just like now. Forget the old stablekeeper, his opinion doesn't change anything in my life.
Now I don't know if I should explain something to her or just keep quiet.
Do I have to explain something like, Frederick is a guy, so you don't have to worry about it?
But what if he's a man?
It's not that I'm okay with men, I'm just not attracted to men as much as I'm not attracted to women. My previous relationships were only physical and based on biological needs. Do I need to explain that to her too?
"Oh, Madam! Good afternoon!"
"Yes. Good afternoon."
On the other hand, Frederick was acting casual as if he hadn't done anything before, and greeted her in a friendly manner. Of course, he could be casual like that since she wasn't his wife. I, on the other hand, felt uncomfortable because of my promise not to break the norm in public.
All right, no need to think about it.
"I heard we can't get the carriage out today." Kirsi walked over while rubbing her chin. Her long hair fell loosely framing the side of her tiny face.
I answered "Yes" curtly while smoking my cigarette.
"We can go horseback riding there, but I can't ride a horse at all." Kirsi sighed softly with a hint of disappointment.
If she was a normal noble's daughter in general, I'd be surprised to hear her say she couldn't ride. But she was just an adopted daughter, it was natural for her not to have basic skill classes like archery and horse riding. But strangely, she has skills in ethics. I only found out about it a few days after our marriage. Her demeanour is much calmer than the days when I still knew her through hearsay. As most people say, marriage can change a person ninety degrees.
"I can ride you." I offered.
She thought for a moment, "Mmm, yes. But I really don't want to ride a horse. It's not that far from here to the palace, is it?" She turned and looked at me with her round eyes. "How about we just walk?"
I clamped the cigarette between my teeth and squealed, "Are you crazy?"
"Oh, that's right. The weather is too cold to bear."
So is that what bothers you?
"Let's just ride horses. I'll take care of you."
"Mmm, okay..." she seemed to have a lot of complaints but chose not to let them out.
The stablekeeper took out a black horse that stood out against the snow. This gallant horse greets me by rubbing its head against me, and I rub its neck in return.
"Come here. I'll grab you up first."
She looks troubled. But nodded still.
Kirsi Daciana was slightly taller than the average female height in this empire. But I'm so much taller than most men in this town that she still looks tiny to my eyes. I put my hand between her armpits before lifting and sitting her on the saddle. Her body was so light it felt like I was lifting cotton candy. Breaking bones and crushing her body would not be a difficult task.
As soon as she sat on the horse, she tried her best to look comfortable in front of me. Even though I knew she was faking it. Seeing how she kept her back straight even as she trembled in fear made it interesting to watch.
"Why don't you go up soon?" her brows furrowed deeply, and the horse's reins were held tightly as if her whole life depended on it.
I rubbed my chin, "You don't seem very comfortable around animals."
"I'm more uncomfortable around humans. Come on up first and we'll have a chat up here."
"Okay." I stubbed out my cigarette which had only been lit for half a minute and tucked it into my trouser pocket.
I granted her wish and ascended in one fell swoop. I sat behind her and provide a comfortable backrest. She unhesitatingly handed herself over to me, as if all my previous crimes had not clouded her judgment of me. The reins soon transferred to my hands as I began to spur the horse. Frederick followed behind on his own horse whistling the folk song. We moved into a guard group that kept a good distance from each other.
The atmosphere in the surrounding community began to be felt when we came out of the yard of my residence. People are still active in their thick clothes. The kids played by throwing snowballs while running here and there. It was as if all the time and energy in this world belonged only to them.
On the other hand, since the top of Kirsi's head was slightly blocking my line of sight, I pulled her so that she fully leaned towards me. Her body stiffened for a moment. But soon, she began to feel comfortable in the warmth I was presented with.
I decided to continue the chat just now, "So, don't you like animals?"
"I do like. "
"Have you ever kept any animals?"
"Mmm, I've never had one. But my grandma keeps a little pig at her house. It likes to run around the house messing things up. We love it so much."
"Huh, why raise an animal that is about to be eaten soon?"
"Tell that to the chicken and cow breeders." her fake angry voice rang clear in my ears, considering that the only distance between us was the sheet of clothing we were wearing and the tiny particles in the air. Since I no longer answered, she asked me instead. "I've never seen you eat pork. Does your belief have a prohibition against eating or something like that?"
"Not really. I just don't like pigs."
"Why? "
"They're lazy."
She rammed her head into my chin in rebuttal, "They are diligent enough in looking for food."
"They only eat what's in front of them."
"So does the laziness of the pig have any effect on the taste?"
"No. But it affects my mood."
"You are a bit sentimental as it turns out."
I chuckled, "I take that as a compliment."
"I did compliment you."