Chapter 9
Ashnah gazed around. She knew she's inside her nightmare again. She tried to wake up but failed. She heard someone's laughter echoed allover. 'This is only a dream. Dreams can be controlled. I just need to will it.' She felt her fear rising on her chest. But she tried to ignore it and gather her courage.'This is just a dream.' She continued chanting to herself.
She saw two rings of smoke flew in the air. Her arms moved too slowly to avoid it. Those two rings pinned her in the wall of nothingness. She heard someone's laughter echoing once more followed by its remark on her very existence.
Poor child, how were you forgotten?
A glimpse of hope was not given?
A guide was even forbidden
Will your survival come to end?
The booming voice was menacing, mocking. She felt herself trembled in anxiety. 'No, Ashnah! No! You can't be weaken!' Tears stung her eyes, feeling the fear she had for the past days. 'Yes, you fear, but still you can stand.'
In the dark setting of her dream, she felt something warm in her chest. She felt it slowly resurfacing from the depth of her core. She tried to reach for it.
Not all hope can be seen
We can't hate what has been
Might be weak now but we'll grow strong
I can be a proof that you're wrong
She felt the words come out and formed into a sphere like how it did before. She inhaled deeply and slowly released it. The sphere ingulfed her inside its blinding light. When she opened her eyes, she's already awake and back to her room. She felt at peace.
"Good thing you're awake."
She almost jumped out of her bed in surprise. When she found the owner of the voice, she exclaimed, "Jin! What are you doing here?"
"Don't you have anything else to ask me aside from what I'm doing on places?"
"Can't I ask? I mean this is my room." She roamed her eyes around to make sure that she's really inside her room.
Realizing her point, he shift his stance, crossing his arms against his chest with that stubborn look on his face. "I felt a disturbing presence when I was doing my patrol. Then I noticed it was coming from here."
"Disturbing presence? What do you mean? Did some demons latch onto me?" She grasped her spiritual energy and focused them in her eyes. She's not seeing anything suspicious.
He snickered. "Yeah, like that could happen." He raised his hand and ruffled her hair. "Sleep some more, kid. It's not even dawn."
"Kid? I'm beginning to think you're way older than you look," she smirked, challenging him.
"`Not that older. I just think you act like a kid sometimes," he said with that knowing grin on his face.
"Does it make your day when you get in my nerves?"
"I do? Get in your nerves?" He said, his brows raising atop. He's sincerely surprised by that fact.
"Well, aren't you?" She said folding her arms against her chest, not backing down from this stubborn fight.
Ashnah got his attention. He glimpsed down but he shift his gaze somewhere else suddenly. "Ash, I think I need to go."
"What? Cat got your tongue?" she said truimphantly, still not getting the situation.
"Ash, I can't. I just realized I can see through you?"
"Wh--"she paused, realizing she's only on her short and shirt, not wearing anything underneath. She shifted her arms protectively on her breast. "Y-You! Pervert! You've been watching me!"
"No, I wasn't! I mean I already explained it! I think I need to go now." He panicked and jumped out of the window.
"The nerve!" She checked out the window to make sure he have not mislanded. He was scurrying away in the middle of the moonlit night. When she turn to her right, she saw her own reflection in the mirror. Her hair was a mess. Her face was too oily she could definitely fry some sunny side up from it, and it is swollen. Her nipples perking against her shirt. She felt her embarrassment coming up to her face. She palmed herself, annoyed by her own negligence of the situation. She dove inside her blanket and kicked it endlessly to release her embarrassment. "Why do I have to look this way at that jerk's front?"
She admits that she's no longer a virgin but to just exposed herself to someone not even her lover, she just felt like melting in embarrassment. Can the hearth just eat me alive?'
***
It was Saturday and they are allowed to go outside the training camp every weekend. Hence, she's sipping Milktea on a newly opened cafe with her tablet on the table. There's a lot on her to-do list but her mind is empty and afloat. The ting tune of her phone brought her back to earth.
It was Uncle Rodney, asking her if she's available for tomorrow. Her phone ring as he called. "Hi, uncle!" she greeted.
"Hi, Ash, how are you? Are you busy right now?"
"Just doing well, uncle. Right now, I'm trying to..." she glimpsed on her to-do list. She still have not accomplished even one task. "just do my tasks--self-made task--on the list."
"I see," she heard the hesitation on his voice. Yet he proceed, "Have you heard from you father?"
"No, I've lost communication with him and I have still not yet talk to him since then," she said nonchalantly. It has been years since she had that fight with her father. Since then, she lost all amore for him. Instead of dealing with her frustration from her father's choices, she just walked away and never then talked to him. Right now, she still hadn't have the will to talk to him. Yes, he's still one of her family but her heart has not recovered from being numb yet `cause of his words and choices.
"Honestly, your father plead to talk with you," he said. She heard him sigh on the other line.
"I...I'll talk to him uncle... in due time. Now's not the time. I'll probably hurt him if I'll talk to him right now," she struggled to get her words out of her throat.
"I understand. If you need someone to talk to, you know I'm just one call away, okay?"
She breathed silently. Uncle Rodney has no idea how he is making her shed tears. "Yeah, I know, uncle. Thanks a lot. I'll call you if I'll need someone to talk to." A sad smile appeared on her lips.
It was already quite sometime but Ashnah was staring blankly on the space. Her mind lingers on the past that she wished to have burried deeply and forget.
"Dad, I can't understand. Why do you put the blame on grandfather for every mistake that you take, and yet when I put the blame on you about what happens to me in the past, you always say it was my fault?"
Her dad was silent. It was apparent how his mind is close for any argument right that instance.
"Can't you just forgive and forget? My mother was not the only one doing the adultery in your relationship. Didn't you said that it was easy to flatter women so that you can get whatever you want from them?" She usually couldn't say what was going on her mind when she's in the emotional phase. But she feels that she needs to at that very moment. Cause she want her father to move on and get his life back. "Why do you always push the blame to others?"
"You don't know what I've been through," he said.
"So you mean to say that every mishaps, every misery in my life is because of everything that you've done? This pain that I'm going through is because of your karma?" She felt the stabbing knife on her chest. Her tears are clouding her sight but she refused to give in yet.
"That is your choice. What happened to you is your choice. Cause you chose to be cheated on." There's finality in what he said.
Her tears dropped tremendously. She couldn't stop her emotions from blowing up. 'Why? Why are you so prideful? Why are you trying to be so blameless? You're not the only one in pain. How could you? How could you pushed the blame to others, not taking responsibility for your choices?' She stormed out of the room and out of the small apartment that she rented for her father.
That first fight that they have have broken something inside of her. And it continued to break as she saw him still doing nothing and his life continued the same cycle.
She recalled the time she was exhausted at work and she was bombarded with messages. The first one was from her father.
I have fought for my mother. You know how much I love my mother. And my father is just a worthless guy. I only have one mother in this world and I wouldn't want to have others hurt her.
"If you don't want to hurt her, then you should have fixed your life. You've done nothing to get her a better life," she said absentmindedly. At that time, her father was living with his parents, where his sister and nephews also lives. She felt her heart turned to stone especially when she read her aunt's message.
Ash, you're father is throwing his fist. Papa has warned that he would report him to the police if he continues to tear down our house. The walls are already with holes. The door would need some fixing.
She didn't notice it until her cheeks were wet with tears. All the shame that she kept just kept flowing on her mind. 'How can you call yourselves parents if all that you do is put us in shame?'
"Ash?"
Ashnah was brought back to the present by a slight tap on her shoulders. When she turned her head to the owner of the voice it was Elix.
He offered his handkerchief. "You might need it."
She blinked and noticed a drop of tear fell down. "Oh, my. I'm sorry. That must be unsightly." She took the handkerchief and wiped her tears away. When tears still keep on falling. She decided to just cover her whole face with it, embarrassed that Elix would see this side of her. She's thankful she's in the corner of the cafe that is slightly hidden so not everyone will see her clearly.
"No, it wasn't. Take your time." Elix just sat in front of her, trying to cover her with his silhouette.
Ash doesn't know how long it took for her to stop from crying. What she's aware is that her eyes are red swollen when she stopped. "Why do you always caught me in my mellow moments?" she complained.
Elix chuckled. "I don't know what you're talking about. I just saw my friend and went to say 'Hi!'. Nothing's wrong with that, I think."
She sniffed. "I'm sorry I wet your hankie."
"It's fine. Just keep it." He smiled. "Would you mind sharing your problem? If you're not comfortable. That's also just fine. As long as you're comfortable."
"It's just some bad memories I want to erase. But I shoveled it up momentarily." She heave one last long sigh to release the weigh on her chest.
"Your order sir, one cappuccino and one taro cheescake milk tea," the friendly waitress put the drinks carefully on the table. She smiled at her softly and flirtily to Elix.
"You're going to drink both of those?" she said, trying to assess if it's really for her or he's taking out the other drink.
"No, silly. Why are you so funny. It's yours, of course," he winked at her. "I'm not sure but the lady on the counter said that you might like milktea since you were having a hard time choosing between two flavors before."
"Yeah. I kept the line on que," she giggled.
"I didn't know that," Elix laughed. "She just said you might want this flavor since you've chosen the other flavor before."
"Thanks a lot. My gratitude is fastly piling. How can I ever repay you?" she said between her laughter.
"I'm the one who's repaying my gratitude here. You don't know how you've helped me before."
"It's nothing just doing it for the sake of a friend."
"It's not nothing. You've really helped me big time," he said in a mellow voice.