Sun He was lying in bed staring at his bedroom wall when he heard his phone ring. He picked up the phone and hesitated to answer when he saw it was Tang Jing calling him. He hung up the phone and put it down near him. Not even a second after he hung up, Tang Jing was calling again. Sun He sighed before answering.
"Yes?" Sun He cringed at the sound of his voice. His voice was hoarse and it was obvious he had been crying.
"What happened? Why do you sound like that?" Tang Jing asked.
Sun He was not sure if he should tell Tang Jing. However, maybe Tang Jing could help him figure out what to do if he spoke to him. Tang Jing had always been his confidant and his advice always helped Sun He. Therefore, Sun He spilled everything to Tang Jing.
"Liwei came back… I am scared. I think he's going to break up with me." Sun He whimpered. Sun He did not think that he could cry any more. His tears started flowing again and he could barely get them to stop. He told Tang Jing about how he had been hiding from Gu Liwei that he got hurt. He told him about Fang Cai's visit and about Gu Liwei's reaction. He described to Tang Jing his fears and his inability to communicate with Gu Liwei. He told him about Gu Liwei's suggestion that he should see a therapist and spilled his tangles about that thought. Gu Liwei had left and had hesitated when Sun He asked him if he could call him. Gu Liwei had told him that it would be best if they did not contact each other during those five days. According to Gu Liwei, they both needed time to think without interference from each other. Sun He had been livid when he heard that and no matter how much Gu Liwei had reassured them that this "space" would not change their relationship, Sun He could not help feeling that it was over between them.
"Ah He, you should not have hidden from him. I know you did not want to worry him because for you it is a minor injury. However, have you ever thought about how you would feel if Gu Liwei was the one who did that to you? To be honest, if that was me you did that too, I would probably have exploded and stopped talking to you for a few days, so he's better than I am."
Sun He chuckled a little because he knows that Tang Jing would probably do just that: ignore him. Sun He knew he was wrong, he himself admitted that he should have just talked to Gu Liwei instead of hiding and shutting him out. If Gu Liwei had hid any injuries, even if minor, from him, he would have felt betrayed. He would have felt that Gu Liwei did not take him and their relationship seriously. Gu Liwei was better than him in that aspect too. Sun He put the phone on speaker and hugged his knees.
A soft whimper came out of his mouth. "I don't know what to do", he whimpered. "Tang Jing, what do you think I should do? I don't want to lose him."
Tang Jing exhaled and decided to rip the Band-Aid off. "I thing Gu Liwei is right, Ah He. You need to see someone. I don't think you ever got over uncle's death and as much as you and I hate to admit it, breaking up with Fang Cai was harder on you than we both thought."
Tang Jing paused and his eyes fell on the picture on his bedside table. This was the last picture that he, Sun He, and Sun He's parents took together before Father Sun passed away. "You are so used to relying on me and your mom, that you forgot how to rely on anybody else. Sun He, have you ever thought that maybe you have always been waiting for something to go wrong in your relationship with Gu Liwei? That you have always been waiting for Gu Liwei to leave you? Because sure enough, everybody you love will always leave?"
Sun He's eyes widened at Tang Jing's words. His heart skipped a beat at the realization that Tang Jing was right. Sun He thought back about his entire relationship with Gu Liwei. From the first time they met until today, he never dared to think about a future with Gu Liwei. Because thinking about it will mean putting hope in another person who could potentially hurt him. In the end, did he ever trust Gu Liwei? Did he ever trust that he would not leave him?
Sun He finally realized why Gu Liwei wanted them to spend some time apart. He and Gu Liwei needed to think. Sun He needed to figure out if he trusted Gu Liwei enough to think about a future with him. In the end, is therapy the solution?
"You need to stop blaming yourself for everything wrong that ever happens, Ah He. Your father dying was not your fault. Fang Cai's cheating was not your fault. You cannot control other people's actions. You can only control your own." Tang Jing voiced out the things that he wanted to tell Sun He since that night Sun He showed up on his doorstep after he had broken up with Fang Cai. Back then, Tang Jing could not tell him these words because he had a feeling that Sun He would not be willing to listen. That Sun He only allowed himself to wallow in self-pity. Tang Jing was grateful for Gu Liwei, because Sun He had changed from who he was two and a half years ago. Tan Jing had a feeling that Sun He himself did not realize how important Gu Liwei was to him and how much better he had been doing since that first date with Gu Liwei.
"Ah Jing, thank you." Sun He uttered before hanging up.
Sun He thought back about the words uttered by Tang Jing. His father's death did hit him hard. How do you "get over" the death of a loved one? Sun He did not think that was something you could ever get over. He has accepted that his father died. Accepted that no matter how much he wanted it to not be true, his father would never come back. Is acceptance not the first step to healing?
As for Fang Cai… Sun He thought back about his and Fang Cai's conversation. Fang Cai blamed him for his cheating. According to Fang Cai, Sun He had pushed him away, had betrayed him by remaining neutral. He cannot be blamed for Fang Cai's perception of his and Tang Jing relationship. It is not his fault that Fang Cai thought that he was pushing him away. Right? Back then, Fang Cai barely talked to him. He was always busy and Sun He believed him whenever he said he had to stay late to work. After all, Fang Cai's company was on the rise. It is normal for him to be busy. How was Sun He supposed to know that Fang Cai's "being busy" meant that he was sleeping with his secretary and who knows who else? It was not his fault, right?
"What happened to your face?" was the first thing that Wang Ling asked Sun He when she opened the door. Sun He froze then remembered that he was also hiding his injury from his mother. Sun He totally forgot about the bruise on his face. After everything that happened, that bruise was the least of his concerns.
"Long story" he muttered. "Can I come in? I want to talk about dad".
Wang Ling was surprised. Since her husband passed away five years ago, Sun He had never wanted to talk about him. She and Sun Ya had consciously avoided any topic relating to him even though it would have helped them deal with Sun Zhong's to celebrate his memories. But Wang Ling knew that Sun He grieved differently than they do, so it really surprised her hearing him wanting to talk about Sun Zhong.
Sun He stared at the tea in his hands. He did not know how to start. Sun He had researched how to deal with the loss of a loved one, and one of the top suggestions was to remember and celebrate the life of the loved one. Sun He was feeling guilty. Never had he celebrated his father's life after he had passed away. For his father's birthday and death anniversary, Sun He would go to the cemetery and stare at that cold and hard stony surface until he felt numb before returning to his own apartment. Sun He felt like a horrible person. His mom probably needed him more than ever during those days, but he selfishly only thought about how much pain he was in not considering that she probably was in more pain than he was. Sun Zhong was her first love, her husband, her life.
"Mom" he started. "How did you ever get over dad's death?"
"Oh sweetie, I am not over it. I have only learned to cope with it." Wang Ling exclaimed. "I have accepted that he was no longer physically here. But, in my memories and in pictures, your dad is still here with me. As long as I remember him, I am doing right by him." Wang Ling voice broke and she hugged Sun He.
"I'm sorry." Sun He whispered. "I am sorry that I was not there for you and Sun Ya."
"That's okay. I know his death was hard on you. And you are here now, aren't you?"
Wang Ling smiled at Sun He and Sun He tightened his arms around her. They both cried together finding comfort in each other. Sun He spent the rest of the day with his mother. His mother took out her photo albums and they together went through them. Wang Ling would explain the stories behind each pictures to Sun He. From the first black and white picture of Sun Zhong and her to the last picture that his parents took together, they laughed and cried. All Sun He could think at the end was that he was grateful. Grateful that he did not come to realize too late how wonderful it could be to remember and celebrate the life of a lost one.