Sun He stared at the phone in his hand, his finger hesitating on Cao Zhiqiang's name. Sun He had been attending therapy weekly. The more he attended, the better he started feeling. He had started coming to term with his past. He had started believing in himself more. However, the more he attended, the guiltier he also started feeling about his and Cao Zhiqiang's lies to Tang Jing. Sun He had decided to confess to Tang Jing. He knew Tang Jing would be angry. Tang Jing would feel hurt, betrayed even. However, Sun He figured that there was more of a chance of Tang Jing forgiving him and Cao Zhiqiang now than if they were to wait after Cao Zhiqiang and Tang Jing had gotten married. The last thing Sun He wanted was to destroy his friends' relationship because he was a coward. Sun He resolutely pressed the call button.
When Tang Jing came home that night, he was welcomed with the sight of Sun He and Cao Zhiqiang sitting in his living room looking solemn. Tang Jing's eyes landed on the two washboards on the coffee table and the smile on his face dropped. Before Tang Jing and his family moved abroad, Sun He and Tang Jing had promised to tell each other everything, to never keep secrets from one another and to always be honest with each other. Tang Jing had joked that if one of them ever lied or kept any secrets, the offender would be punished accordingly. If it were a small lie, the offender would have to buy the other person dinner. If it were a big lie, the offender would have to kneel on a washboard.
Tang Jing stared at his friend and his lover and he could not believe what he had just heard. He was filled with agony. He was not sure whose betrayal hurt the most. He was not sure who to blame for the feelings he was repressing: Sun He for not telling him about his depression, his thoughts of harming himself, Cao Zhiqiang for accepting Sun He's plea to keep his depression secret from him or even himself for not realizing how bad his friend was doing. Tang Jing choked and let out an anguished cry. He ignored Cao Zhiqiang's hand and grabbed Sun He, embracing him hard. The moment Tang Jing felt the warm body in his hands, tears fell out of his eyes. They both cried holding each other. Tang Jing felt the heartbeat next to his. He felt the warmth in his hands. If Cao Zhiqiang had not gone there that day, where would Sun He be? Where would he, Tang Jing, be? The thought made him tighten his arms more around his friend. Tang Jing slowly calmed down but he did not dare let go of Sun He, feeling that Sun He would disappear the moment he released him.
"You lied to me for two and a half years."
"I am sorry"
"I am so mad at you."
"I know. I swear it won't happen again."
"You made my partner lie to me."
"It is all my fault. Don't be too mad at him."
"I want to punch you."
"You have every right to."
"You could have died."
"I know but thanks to Cao-ge, I am still here."
"I could have helped you."
"You did. You really did! You gave me a safe place when I did not have one."
"You need to keep going to therapy."
"I will."
"You're doing better, right?"
"I am. I swear I am."
"I love you so much Ah He. What would I have done without you?" A sob escaped Tang Jing and the pain in his chest made him breathless. What would he have done? What could he have done?
"I know. I am sorry. I was scared. I really did not want to hurt you. You are my family Ah Jing. I just did not want my family to be disappointed in me."
Tan Jing released Sun He and the sight of his crying friend softened his heart. Tang Jing had known Sun He forever. He knew Sun He tended to overthink. Sun He always had a habit of using avoidance as his coping mechanism. Sun He always thought he had to be independent. He had to be strong. He needed to be strong, especially after his father's death. He would never want to be a burden on anyone.
Tang Jing wondered how many times Sun He had sat alone in his old apartment thinking that he would be a burden if he ever reached out for help. He wondered how many times Sun He thought that admitting he needed help would disappoint his family. He wondered how many times he had wanted to reach out to Tang Jing or his family and gave up at the last second.
Tang Jing gently rubbed Sun He's hair. "I wouldn't have been. I have never been disappointed in you Sun He. I will always be there for you. No matter what."
"I know that now. It will not happen again. I promise. I know now that there are people who love me. People who will always be there for me. Back then, it was just hard for me to think beyond all the pain I was feeling. But I am getting better. I swear. I am slowly starting to love myself more. To trust myself more. I am so sorry Ah Jing. I never meant to hurt you. You don't have to forgive me. I wouldn't forgive myself if I were you. But can you at least forgive Cao-ge? He wanted to tell you but I begged him not to. Not without my permission. I promised him I would tell you, it just took me longer to than he expected."
Tang Jing looked towards his fiancé who he had never seen look so forlorn and at the trembling shoulders of his friend and sighed.
"I am mad at both of you. But also mad at myself."
"Ah Jing, it wasn't..."
"I know, Ah He. But I still blame myself. How did I not realize how much pain you were in? How did I not realize that you were not truly okay? If something had happened to you, Ah He, I don't know what I would have done. All the 'what ifs' are what make me even more upset. I am mad at Zhiqiang but I can understand him. It wasn't his secret to tell, so there is nothing to forgive."
Tang Jing smiled slightly at the sight of the relieved look on his lover's face and turned to look at Sun He. Memories of his and Sun He's friendship flashed in his head. The first time that they met was in preschool. Sun He was so small back then. He was sitting alone in a bench, his eyes skittishly flicking around. Tan Jing had felt the desire to protect him the moment his eyes had landed on him and they had been friends ever since. They went to the same middle school. Their first sleepover was at Sun He's house and that night Sun He's parents had helped them build a fort in the middle of their living room. They had talked all night. Talked about how they would always be friends and how nothing would ever come between them. They had their first camping trip together and discovered they did not like sleeping under a tent surrounded by nothing but trees and animals. They had cuddled up tight against each other that night, and Tang Jing had promised he would protect Sun He, even though he himself was scared.
When Sun He had first discovered he was gay, he had started hiding from Tang Jing. He had ignored Tang Jing's calls and had left school without waiting for Tang Jing, even though they always had walked home together. Tang Jing had blocked him in his room one day demanding to know what was wrong. They had both felt so silly upon discovering that they both liked people of the same sex.
Their friendship survived many things. It survived Tang Jing's rebellion phase when he started hanging out with the wrong crowd. It survived Tang Jing's first boyfriend who Sun He was sure led Tang Jing "down the wrong path". It survived Tang Jing's move abroad. It survived the long-distance calls. It survived University. Tang Jing thought about all the days that they had spent comforting each other. All the days they had spent laughing and crying. There would never be a Tang Jing without Sun He and Tang Jing could not imagine a future without his friend in it.
"If you ever keep any big secrets like that again from me, I will punch you."
"Hmmm."
"If you ever need help, I am only one call away."
"I know. I know. I will definitely reach out to you."
"I love you Ah He."
"I love you too."
"You are my family."
"You are my family too."
"I am still angry."
"Fair enough."
"Both you and Zhiqiang need to kneel for 10 minutes."
"Oh…Okay."