*****Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide and thoughts of harming oneself.*****
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Sun He sat in the waiting lounge, his eyes fixed on his hands. He watched as his hands trembled and smiled mockingly at himself. He had refused both Tang Jing and Gu Liwei's offers to accompany him to his first session. They had both said they would wait for him outside but he still refused. He needed to do this himself.
Sun He looked around at his surroundings, his eyes consciously avoiding the man in front of him. The room was painted in a soft blue and the lights were dimmed. The smell of lavender coated the air, creating a soothing atmosphere. The couch that Sun He was sitting on was very comfortable and faced a round coffee table. Across from Sun He, Dr. Wong sat. Dr. Wong Li was recommended to Sun He by Tang Jing. One of Tang Jing's artists saw him on a regular basis and Tang Jing had only heard good things from his artist about Dr. Wong. Sun He was only able to get an appointment so quickly because of Tang Jing's artist paving the way for him. Dr. Wong was not what Sun He was expecting. He looked young, even though he should at least be a middle-aged man. Thin rectangular glasses framed his face. He looked more like a librarian than a therapist. But then again, what should a therapist look like?
Dr. Wong was smiling softly, patiently waiting for Sun He to answer his question. Sun He fidgeted and pursed his lips. Why was he here?
Sun He left the office feeling more tired than he had in a long time. The session lasted longer than both he and Dr. Wong expected. Snippets of his conversation with Dr. Wong came to his mind as he sat in the bus to head back home. "Some people spend a lifetime believing they can get better by themselves and very few succeed. You cannot just tell yourself 'I am better' and you would become better. Your brain does not work like that. Our brains are actually quite treacherous. Things we want to forget are those that we only remember and spend hours thinking about while the happy memories evade us. Mr. Sun, I am not here to tell you are sick. I am not here to prescribe you medicine. That is not what a therapist's duty is. My role is to listen to your story and to help provide some insight, as an outsider, as to why exactly certain things bother you, and to highlight the impact that these things have on yourself and those around you. Then, as a team, we can work together to learn what you can do reduce the negative impacts while finding achievable goals to improve your level of happiness. Think of it as having a teammate who you can unleash all your pains and angers to, and who can fight with you to find an approach that will work for you. I am here to help you, at least to try to help you. However, I cannot help you if you do not want to help yourself first. I need you to trust me just a little bit to let me in to figure out why you needed to come here."
Sun He had looked at him skeptically. Therapy was never a choice he ever considered, and he had been doing better. He was much better. Much better than he was two years ago. Much better than he was that night… Seeing Sun He's hesitation, Dr. Wong had continued."Mr. Sun, it's okay to spend your time searching for the right therapist. It's okay to not like your therapist at first sight. Would you not prefer to talk to someone you could slightly trust to help you? Therapists comes in all shapes and size and just because one therapist works great for someone does not mean they would work great for others. In the end it is up to you."
Sun He had found himself slowly opening up about his past. He had felt better talking to someone. However, he had also felt worse. He really was not doing as good as he thought he was. Sun He felt like crying, however he did not dare to do so in public. He clenched his fists staring at the bright sky outside. He felt nature was mocking him. Screaming to him that the world will still go around even if he felt like he was falling apart. Sun He sneered at how insignificant he felt. He wondered for the umpteenth time if he should have gone to Dr. Wong today.
The moment that Sun He entered his apartment, he fell apart. He sat his back against the front door, sobbing. Gut-wrenching cries spilled out of his mouth. He was blaming himself for not being better. Blaming himself for letting things get so far. He felt himself being embraced. Sun He resisted Gu Liwei's touch and hug his knees. Gu Liwei sighed, distressed at the heartbreaking sight in front of him. He sat down next to Sun He and he did not dare to touch him, his heart breaking with every sob that came from the one next to him.
Gu Liwei did not know how long it took Sun He's cries to subside. He only knew that his butt was feeling numb and the apartment looked much darker than it did when Sun He came home. Gu Liwei wondered what happened to Sun He. He blamed himself a little for letting Sun He go alone. He wondered what the therapist said that made Sun He upset. He questioned if he should have pushed Sun He to go see someone. He should have waited. He should have slowly gotten him used to the idea.
"Why do you love me? When I can't even love myself?"
Gu Liwei suddenly felt like laughing. Was Sun He doubting him again? Gu Liwei looked at the man next to him: the trembling hands hugging his knees. Sun He had never looked so small. Gu Liwei looked towards the living room and his eyes landed on the pictures on the wall. A recent picture of the two of them was framed and placed next to Sun He's picture with his parents. Gu Liwei thought of how insistent Sun He had been on taking that picture. Sun He had told him that he wanted to be able to see their picture the moment he get home to remind himself that he had many people who loved him. With that thought in mind, Sun He had added various pictures to their living room walls: pictures of him and his sister, pictures of him and Tang Jing, pictures of him and Cao Zhiqiang, pictures of him and his mom alone and pictures of the two of them. Gu Liwei smiled softly.
"I don't know." Gu Liwei started, his eyes filled with the warmth he could feel even in the dark apartment. "Love would not be love if it were rational. I don't know why I love you. I can list all the reasons why you are so great but I cannot tell you why I love you. You are kind and, while there are people kinder than you are, I would bet they are not as lovable. Sure, there are people lovelier than you are, but they cannot be as hard working. Sure, there are people more hardworking, but they must not be as good looking as you. Sure, there are people better looking than you, but none of them can make my heart beat as fast as you do. Even if there are people kinder, more lovable, more hardworking, and better looking than you, they would and could never be you. I love everything about you, even your shortcomings, because they make you who you are. In my eyes, you are perfect, Baobei. Sun He, the thought of losing you is heartbreaking. It is disabling. I love waking up to you in the morning. I love seeing you smile. I love and revel in every single moment that we spend together. I knew I loved you when I first woke up to your sleeping face and my heart screamed this was it. That YOU were it. Whenever I think about my future, you are always right there in it with me."
Gu Liwei smiled thinking to himself that he really loved Sun He. Never had he uttered such cheesy lines to anybody else, but that really was how he felt. From the moment he had seen Sun He's picture, Sun He had taken his heart. For the first time in years, he had finally felt his heart beat for anyone else besides himself.
"How do you know that 5, 10 or even twenty years from now you will still feel the same?"
Sun He's hoarse voice interrupted Gu Liwei's thoughts. Gu Liwei looked at the man next to him. "I don't".
Sun He looked up sharply and his eyes met with Gu Liwei's. Gu Liwei's sight fell on the swollen eyes, the pale and redden face, the tear streaks which marked his lover's skin, and the slightly trembling lips.
"Just like I don't know if I will ever hurt you, I don't know if I will always love you. We will fight. You and I will both change as time goes by. Our love might become stronger or we might start doubting each other. I cannot promise that I will always love you. I can only promise you to do right by you. To respect you. To be there when you need me. To give you space when you need it. To accompany you for as long as your heart beats for me and as long as my heart beats for you."
Gu Liwei looked in Sun He's eyes, hoping Sun He could see the sincerity in them. He slowly approached Sun He's face with his hand. A sigh of relief escaped him when Sun He did not avoid his touch. Gu Liwei wiped the tears on Sun He's cheeks with his fingers.
"Don't worry about the future. Just trust in my character. Trust in me. In us. I cannot guarantee you forever. But I can guarantee you today and at least tomorrow."
Sun He thought about everything that Gu Liwei said and he felt calmer. When he had left Dr. Wong's office, Sun He had felt like his world was ending. He had started doubting his life, his feelings and Gu Liwei's feelings for him. His conversation with Dr. Wong had made him realize that he had always put others first before himself, even when he knew he would hurt himself in the end. Sun He had arrived to the conclusion that he did not love himself. If he could not love himself, why would he expect others to love him? Gu Liwei's words made him feel relieved. No one knows what the future might bring. To Sun He, Gu Liwei's promise was more trustworthy and made him happier than if he had promised to love him forever. Sun He looked at the pictures on the wall across from him and thought about the many more coating his living room walls. He looked at the man next to him whose touch he craved like a moth to a flame. The man who accompanied him even after he had rejected him times and times again. The man whose presence filled him with warmth even when he was despairing and the words spilled out of his mouth before he knew it.
"Almost three years ago, after I left Fang Cai's apartment. I had really nowhere to go. I went home back to my mother's house. Tang Jing was visiting his parents abroad and I did not want to burden Cao-ge. I found an apartment and moved out of my family's house after a few days. Throughout our relationship, whenever anything wrong happened with Fang Cai's business, he would told me that it was my fault. After enough time being told the same thing repeatedly, it was hard for me to not start believing it."
Sun He thought back about his past with Fang Cai and could only remember the bad times. Before he knew it, there was not a day when Fang Cai and he were not fighting. Fang Cai would tell him that he did not understand how hard he had it. Sun He, according to him, was not making his life easier with all his demands. Back then, all Sun He wanted was to spend time with Fang Cai. They lived in the same apartment but had barely talked in weeks. Fang Cai started to come home later and later, if at all. Then he came home one day, apologizing, promising to spend more time with Sun He. They were doing good for a couple weeks. Fang Cai was back to being the sweet and romantic man that he had fallen for. Sun He had then thought about proposing only to have his happiness shattered.
"I was in this empty apartment alone overthinking. Thinking about what went wrong. What I did wrong. Over time, I started feeling wrong. I stopped answering everyone's calls. I just… I did not want to die. I really didn't. I just wanted to feel something else besides that gut-wrenching numbness. Cao-Ge was the one who found me. Thankfully, he broke my door before I had… That night he held me in his arms and I cried. He told me that everything was going to be okay. We both decided that we would not tell Ah Jing. I was scared that he would think me stupid. Scared of his reactions. Scared he would blame himself. I lived with Cao-Ge and Ah Jing for six months. We told Ah Jing that I was not used to living alone. When I felt better, I moved out."
Sun He had felt guilty lying to Tang Jing. He had felt even guiltier having Cao Zhiqiang join him in his lies, but he had not dared to tell Tang Jing. He still did not dare to tell him.
"Liwei, I know I am not the easiest to be with. I overthink. I will push you away and I sometimes forget that you are also human. You always seem so stable that sometimes I forget that you also get hurt. I can be oblivious. I will not know if you are upset if you do not tell me. I love you so much Liwei. I don't want to lose you. So all I am asking for is for you to be patient with me. Tell me when you think I am being unreasonable. Let me know when you are upset, or if I did something that made you unhappy. You don't always have to repress all of your feelings of unpleasantness for fear of hurting me. I am vulnerable but not that fragile."
Gu Liwei felt his chest hurting as he thought about everything Sun He had gone through. He did not dare imagine what would have happened if Cao Zhiqiang did not get to Sun He's apartment on time. Gu Liwei felt his insides twisting at the thought that he might have never met Sun He. He grabbed Sun He and held him hard, wanting to feel his warmth, wanting to remind himself that he was still alive.