TW! Sh, knife, drugs, suicide
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(Eddie's POV)
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" I shout, pounding on the door. No response. "Ellie?" Max says, trying to look under the crack of the door. Ellie didn't respond. I looked at the kids, they looked terrified. "Ellie, please," I slide down the door with my hands covering my face. I have to get in. I can't give up. I stop, standing up. I slam my shoulder into the door. Again. Again. Steve holds me back. "What!" I shout with tears in my eyes. "Is the window unlocked?" I look to Max. "She said you left it open." I sprint to the door. When I reach the window, I hold my breath. I pull it open wider. When I look up, I see Ellie sitting in the corner of the room, barely conscious. Something inside me changed when I saw Ellie on the floor. I suddenly depended on her survival. I couldn't let her lose. I jump inside. I pick up her head. "Ellie," I whine, "Ellie, please." I look at the drugs on the ground. The knife. It had blood on it, dripping on the floor. I look at Ellie's bloody sleeve. I panic. FUCK! FUCK! Of course, she did this! I grab her arm. I squeeze my eyes tight. "E-" I hear. Steve looked inside the window. "Is everything okay? Let us in!" I unlock the door and hold Ellie. I'm breathing heavily. I took her jacket off and put it on her arm. "Ellie?" I brush her hair with my fingers. "Eds?" she says slowly. I fake a smile, "it's me, Eddie." Everyone was standing in Ellie's room. Everyone could see her cuts. "I'm sorry," she spits out. "I'm so sorry." She raises her hands to cover her face. I pull her closer to my body. She wraps her arms around me tightly. I lean over her to protect her. Tears were running down my face. Robin sits on the floor next to us. "It's okay, Ellie." Ellie looks to her, surprised, and shows a slight smile. "Alright, everyone out," Nancy says softly, trying not to upset Ellie even more, pushing some of the boys out of the door. She continues crying into my shirt. "I'm sorry, Eddie." she shouted. Robin, still on the floor, rubs her back. "It's- okay sweetheart." I try to say between sobs. "You didn't want me to, and I did it anyways. I promised you, Eddie!" She cried into my arms. Robin grabbed her arms towards her to examine them. "Dear god," she whispered. I wipe away my tears. "I love you, Ellie. Please don't do shit like this, okay? God, it hurts so fucking bad." I'm crying. Ellie notices and looks up at me. "Eddie, don't cry, you'll make me feel bad." She always felt terrible when I cry. I never cry. Ever. Ellie is the only exception. I hate crying in front of people. It makes me look weak.
Robin scoots against the wall. "Ellie?" she says softly. "Yes?" "Why do you do this?" Robin had tears in her eyes. I don't think I've ever seen Robin cry either. She's one tough girl. "I don't know..." she pauses for a moment before continuing, "I just deserve it." Those words made me stop breathing. Ellie does not deserve that. "Bullshit!" I shout. Scaring both Robin and Ellie. "Ellie, I love you." Robin says, trying to find the right words to make them meaningful, "not like a romantic way, like Eddie. Not that I wouldn't. I mean I would, but I don't because Eddie does. But that doesn't matter, what matters is that you don't deserve that. Ever. For any reason should a person like you deserve that." I smiled at her, trying to get the message across that she did a good job. She smiled back. Ellie didn't look fazed. Her expression was fixed. I could almost hear her thoughts because her face was talking. She just couldn't understand why in the world we would want her here. She sat up, no longer in my lap. She wiped her eyes again, "okay, I'm fine." I smiled.
Ellie is one of the prettiest people I've met on the planet. I don't understand why she can't see it. Ellie was staring into the mirror now, wiping away her mascara. She closed the door, but I insisted I should be there for her. After that, I don't trust her alone. She stops for a long minute, just staring at herself. I can tell she's not pleased, because she's tearing up again. "Why do you love me?" she asks, not breaking eye contact with herself in the mirror. "What kind of question is that?" I ask, turning to her in an attempt to get her to look at me. "Just answer the goddamn question!" she says raising her tone. I grab her chin and pull her waist close to me. "I love you because you are a kind, beautiful person. I don't understand why you can't except that! I am never going to stop loving you! I can't live without you, now." I was gripping on her cheeks so hard it left a mark. "That's bullshit!" she shouts, scooting back. I sigh, knowing I will never win. Ellie won't understand. Fuck. It's my fault I bet. I wasn't there enough. Or something! "It hurts me to see you like this," tears were forming in my eyes. I kicked the cabinet. "Why don't you just understand!" Ellie looks down at her stomach, her thighs, her arms, and back to her face. "Stop!" I shout really loud, "stop doing that!" "Doing what?" a tear falls down her cheek. "Hating yourself," I look at the floor, "I can see it on your face, like guilt." She wipes her tears. "Why not?" she looks down, "I'm pitiful and as ugly as sin." The tear that was swelling in my eye finally falls. "Don't- say that," I whisper, hardly getting a word out. "It's true." she whispers under her breath. I slam my fist on the counter, "bullshit! That's fucking bull, Ellie. You are one of the prettiest women I have ever seen. I don't even deserve you, but here you are. You have the prettiest eyes, and a gorgeous body. And y-your smile could make glaciers melt. There is only one thing I HATE about you." I was practically screaming. She looks up, almost as if she was waiting for a flaw, "what?" "You won't believe it." She just stared at me. Did I say something wrong? I don't think that was offensive. Shit! Did I say something wrong? Tears flew down my face. I can't fuck up this relationship. Ellie means everything to me. Fuck college and a job. Screw my band, I want Ellie. My band means everything to me. Now, Ellie is my only motivation. I can't lose her.
Robin opens the door slowly, "sorry to interrupt, but the gang is getting worried." I don't look at Ellie. I can't look at her like this anymore. I can't look at my myself either. I am such a failure. "I'm sorry," Ellie says looking down. I pull her into a kiss. It distracted her instantly, like that was what she really needed, which pleased me. I pulled away, keeping our faces centimeters apart. I look her dead in the eye. "New rule," I say softly, "no more saying sorry." Ellie gave in and said okay.
The group was chilling in the living room having conversations among themselves. When Ellie walked in, it got silent. She got nervous. "Guys," I say. They all look away and continue talking. They didn't act like nothing happened, but they didn't mention it too often. "I still don't get it." Mike says, adding to whatever Steve and Robin were talking about. I wasn't paying much attention. I was looking at Ellie. Man, I could stare at her for hours. They way she looked right now was just pitiful, though. I pulled her into my lap, and she calmed down. "You should like men," Mike says to Robin. Robin gags, "no women are hot!" "No they're not!" he says a little too quickly. Eleven gave him a weird look. "Yes..." Robin stops mid sentence, "WHAT?!?" "THAT IS GAY!" Max shouts. "YOUR GAY!" Will shouts. "NO!" Mike protests. Ellie managed to let out a giggle. I smiled. That's all I care about. It got kind of quiet after that. I knew what they were going to say, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. "What happened?" Steve asked. Ellie didn't answer, just assuming someone was going to do it for her, but no on did. She needed to tell them herself, feel herself confess what she did to herself. She looked up, and realized no one answered. "I tried to kill myself." she eventually says. "W-what?" Max trembles. The news is incredibly hard pill to swallow. Ellie needed help. It was silent for a long time before Lucas spoke up. "How?" Ellie took a deep breath, "with drugs." It all made sense to me now. Ellie stole the drugs. She stole them so she could get high and numb and shit. I bite my lip. Ellie was about to cry, but I pulled her into my chest. My eyes were red-rimmed. Ellie could sense that I was crying. She looked up at me with wide eyes, trying to study the reason my I was crying. I pull my knees up after she got off of my lap and covered my sobs. No one else in the room noticed me, I didn't mind. Ellie put her hand on my back, unknowing of what to do or say.
There was nothing she could say to fix the canyon she created today in my heart. My heart is screaming, as if I'm being torn in half.
Why won't she believe me! She needs to be okay! She has to be. I have to fix her. I can't live with knowing that I failed. My breath caught on the back of my throat, making my breathing increasingly difficult. My nose swelled up with snot as I tried to breath. I can't do this. I can't support Ellie. She's not going to make it. My hands are held so tight in fists, my palms are nearly bleeding. Why am I so stressed? My breathing quickens. Ellie rubs my back. I can't stop stressing! What is wrong with me? "It's a panic attack," Ellie whispers into my ear. "Breathe with me." I hear the rest of the group talking, some even trying to communicate with Ellie, but she's talking to me. "Breathe in," we both breath in, but it's more difficult for me, "and, breathe out." We do it a few more times until my breathing slows and I'm calm. "Earth to Ellie?" Dustin waves his hand. "What?!" she snapped. She was getting annoyed. "We are trying to talk to you." "And I'm trying to help Eddie recover from his panic attack!" "He was having a panic attack?" Steve asked. "Yes," she says 'matter-of-a-factly', "I bet none of you would have noticed either."
"Where did you get the drugs?" Steve asked, crossing his arms. She gets nervous. "What do you mean?" "You know what we are talking about, save your time and tell us." Dustin spat. "Oh my god!" she snapped, "Are you kidding me? Where do you think I learned all this shit from?" "Where did you get the drugs from?" Nancy shouted, standing up. I look in horror. This is all my fault. Fuck. Robin and Dustin looked up, suddenly understanding. I stare up at her with my hand covering my mouth. "You can't help us if you're going to be high all the time." Steve scratched his head. Wait? Ellie is high frequently? Why did I do this? I cover my face with my hands. "Eddie?" Dustin snitches. "I didn't do it." I was surprised how shaky my voice was. I swallow back all the pain and guilt. "I-I didn't give her anything." "That's bull," Mike shouted. I look up. My eyes were red, hooded, and wet. "Why in the world would I ever do that?" I ask. I'm nearly heartbroken. My own friends don't believe me. Everyone looked shocked at the fact that I was crying. That was the main deciding factor for most, because most of the people in that room has never seen and solemn emotion from me. I don't think I have ever felt this way, especially for a person. Dustin, however, was skeptical. "Didn't you two smoke together?" he asks. "Yes, but nothing outside of that. I wouldn't let her use anything when I wasn't there!" Ellie understood. I felt responsible for her. If something bad happened to her with the drugs that I had gave her access to, I would blame myself. Ellie started crying. "It's my fault." That took Dustin by surprise. Max started crying again. "Ellie you fucking promised me," Max slapped her. Ellie crashed to the floor, holding her face. "You must have had your fingers crossed." She says with no regrets at all, which only made Ellie more upset. "Max," I say in a gentle but firm way, "that's not the best way to handle things." "I can do whatever the fuck I want! She deserves to learn her lesson." "You're only giving her what she wants." Max looks at me funny. "Pain. It's just one step closer..." "To death." Robin says looking up. "Why can't you just be happy?" Max screams. Ellie stops crying. "I'm sorry." she falls in a ball on the floor. I can't stand her being treated like this anymore. I pick her up bridal style and carried her to my trailer. She looked dead, both inside and out. Nothing about her had any spark of emotion, she was just empty. Not even sad, just literally empty. I head to my room and lay her down on my bed. "Please don't leave me, Eddie." she said softly and I almost didn't hear. "I will be right back." I say, "I promise." She looked satisfied.
When I get back to Max's trailer, everyone was fighting. When I get there, everyone shuts up. I sit down on the couch. "Why did you do that?" Steve says enraged. "She's had enough!" I shout. "Enough?" Dustin shouts. "Tell me about enough." Lucas rolls his eyes. "We want to be there for her!" Nancy shouts. The room was in unorganized chaos. "SHUT UP!" I shout, pausing briefly, "can I level with you? If you guys wanted to be there, you should have been on that plane with us. She really needed you. If you wanted to be there, you should have done everything in your power to make her feel loved. And guess where that got you." "You aren't doing too well either!" Max shouts. "YOU FUCKING HIT HER MAX!" I shout. She jumps a little. She looks down. Did it really take her that long to realize that was wrong? "I'm sorry," she says softly. "Don't say it to me!" I sit down with my head in my hands, "say it to her." "She's never going to want to speak to me again," Max cries. "She'll come around," Lucas rubbed her back. "I'll send her over in the morning okay?" I suggest. Max nods. "Max?" Robin changes the subject, "do you mind if I stay here tonight?" Max nods and Robin smiles a bit. "I need to take you boys home." Nancy says pushing them towards the door. Robin doesn't move, and Lucas stays with Max. "Update us!" Steve shouts while shutting the door. "Eddie?" Robin asks. "Yeah?" I turn to her. "I thought about what you said, and I want to try." She's looking down, like she's embarrassed. I pull her into a hug. She's shocked at first, but relaxes. "Thank you," I say breaking the hug. "I'm free to help," she smiles. "Also, where should I sleep?" She scratched the back of her neck. "You can sleep in Ellie's room, she won't mind." I say pushing her towards her room. "One more thing, Eddie," she stands in the doorway, "you've changed... for the better, I mean." I smile and head out the door.
When I open the door to my bed room, I see Ellie crying in my bed. "Are you okay?" I ask. There was no genuine question to ask her. I already knew the answer. 'I'm fine, or it's nothing' or stupid shit like that. "No," she says, startled by my voice. That caught me off guard, she hardly ever opened up to me. Have I finally cracked her? I take off my shirt and put on some shorts that are more comfortable than my jeans. I crawl into bed. "What's the matter?" I say wiping her makeup. "Can I wear one of your shirts?" she asks. "Of course," I get up and grab a clean shirt. She lies limp on the bed. I take off her skirt and white shirt. I smile as I look at her. She's beautiful. "What?" she tries to cover her body. "You're beautiful," I smile, pulling the shirt over her head. It looks like she wants to smile, but doesn't. I crawl back into bed next to her. "I'm so-" I cover her mouth. "You're not allowed to say the s-word." She closes your eyes. Her breathing slows as she clings onto me. "I love you, Eddie." All I could think about was, what could she have though about in that moment? Was I there? Was I trying to stop her, in her thoughts? Was I contributing to it? "If you die," I say as my lip trembles slightly, "and I live." Those words. Those words are the pure description of pain. Pain one only feels when they truly loves someone. My heart slowly sank into my chest. "Hmm?" she asks to continue. "I'd have nothing." My breathing is stuffy, Ellie realized this and strokes my hair. "I would be alone. Forever." "You would find someone else, eventually..." she tries to cheer me up. "No, not like you. I only want you, Ellie." I turn away from her. I just wanted to cry...for a very, very long time. Ellie rubs my back. "Come here, Eddie." I don't do or say anything for a minute. I give in and turn over to her. She wraps her limbs around me as I cry into her shoulder.
I eventually fall asleep with her on my stomach.