Reciprocity
Madison watched me staring at the door, falling into my feelings, "It's okay babe, he really will call. He's just that kind of guy."
Rolling my eyes, I turned to her, "I fucked it up more."
She patted the seat next to her, "Come talk about it, you'll feel better."
I hesitantly walked over to her, plopping down on the couch, "Geez, I am such an idiot."
"Alright, let it out, tell me how the fuck you went from 'taking things slow' to spending the night together?"
"well," I started, "he met me at the café last night for a date. It was pretty late, so we ended up at a bar just a few blocks from there."
She interjected, "Got drunk, hooked up?"
"No, it's not like that. I kind of wish it was."
"Oh no Kavi!" she looked super serious, "Did he purposely try to knock you up?"
"No Madison, we didn't sleep together. He just…" I felt sick just saying it, "he did things to me."
She laughed now, "That sounds like a reasonable step, nothing too crazy. Why are you all worked up?"
I laid my head back, "He fell asleep before I could, you know, reciprocate."
She fell silent suddenly, looking forward somberly, "Well, that's unfortunate. But not the end of the world Kavi."
I sat forward, "It feels like it. I let him down. Had I just done what I needed to do, he wouldn't have been so quick to leave and maybe he wouldn't have pushed me away like that."
"Kavi, it's obvious he was upset with himself letting things get out of hand…Wait." She turned to me, "Did you not talk to him about our little arrangement last night? You promised you would be truthful with him Kavi!"
"I did. I told him everything." I defended.
"Then how the fuck did he end up here last night? Did he offer to pay you?" She said, a look of disgust on her face.
"No!" I slapped her hand, "He was supportive actually. He understands why I feel like I need to do this and he said it wouldn't change things between us."
"Oh, really? And this is the same Drew I know…"
"Yes, damn it Madison, he's not a monster. He wants to support me in any way he can." I shrugged, not sure of my own words.
"Then explain to me how you ended up here?" she settled in against the arm of the couch.
"We got drunk, danced and made out. He brought me home and things escalated a bit. Not too much else to it."
"But you chickened out when it came time to give him some back, huh?"
"I didn't want to chicken out, but he was falling asleep while I recovered, and I just let him."
"Kavi, the first rule of oral is reciprocity. If you give you should expect to get, without asking." She started to lecture, "All men love blow jobs, and with how desperate he is for you, he probably would have accepted a handy, just cause he knows your situation."
"Ugh, I didn't even touch him!" I panicked, ready to sob, pressing my face into my hands.
She leaned over to me, "It's okay babe, it's not all bad."
"Really? Have you ever blown off a guy who made you come 4 times in one night…" I asked, sarcastically hopeful.
Her eyes went big, "4 times? What the fuck did he do to you?" she shook her hands out, taking a deep breath.
"Just what he should? I… I was so drunk, it was all my body's response, I wasn't in my mind at all." I said, wiping my hands down my face.
"And that helped. Did you have any desire to, you know, please him?" she asked awkwardly.
At that moment, no. But this morning… Maybe. Just because I felt guilty. "A little." I admitted to her.
"Kavi, if you don't want Drew sexually, maybe it's best to end things before you mess up your friendship completely." She looked sad.
"I do though, I dream about being with him, I just…" I took a deep breath, "I'm afraid of fucking it up. Not doing something right and he decide I'm not good enough. No one wants a girl who freaks out when your penis gets hard."
"Oh he got an erection with you?" she smiled, too happy.
"Yeah, pretty much as soon as we kissed when we got here. Once he stripped me down, I thought it might pop out of his pants." I said, taking an exaggerated breath.
She grabbed my hands, "How big was it?"
"Madison! What the fuck?" I slapped her arm.
"Come on, living vicariously through you… I just imagine that his cock was not terribly long, but nice and thick like the rest of him." She glared into the distance, imagining it.
I rolled my eyes, "I didn't pay attention, it was bigger I guess, at least that's how it felt from my prospective."
"God Kavi, I would have grabbed that monster and.."
"Stop," I stood, "I don't want to know what you would do. I have to get ready for work."
"Kavi babe, I was just kidding. I know he's off limits, and I would never do that to you." She followed me as I retreated to my room. "I'm worried about you, that's all. I want you to push past this and find happiness, and sex is the only thing I'm good at. I just want to make sure you're ready."
"I'll be ready when I need to be Madison, no need to worry, I won't embarrass you." I reassured her.
"It's not like that Kavi," she looked sad, tears in her eyes.
"I want to hold off with Drew until I can find my way past this. But I don't think he'll want to wait, not after last night. I need to find a way to give him what he wants or stop him from wanting it." I mused out loud.
"Wait, what does that mean?" she questioned quickly.
"Maybe I need to put the breaks on, until after the event. It's only a few weeks away, and once that's over, maybe I will be ready to move on." I said, more to myself than her.
"Kavi," she stopped, looking right at me, "I'm sorry. This is all my fault." She started sobbing into her hands loudly. A complete meltdown right on the spot, out of left field.
I hesitated to comfort her, maybe part of me wanted someone to blame, "No Madison, Brick did what he did to both of us. We didn't ask for it. Predators are predators, and we fell for this trap, that's all."
"Had.. I…" she choked, sobbing harder.
"Had you what? Not put yourself out there and enjoyed your life? Who knows! It's over and its time we move on from it." I tried to assure her, but I couldn't believe my own words.
She calmed just a little, whispering, "I just want you to be happy so badly! I'm such a fuck up I can't even help you have that. You've got a real chance to have happiness with Drew and it's ruined because of me."
I shook my head, starting to get annoyed, "Listen Madison, for the last god damn time. I DON'T BLAME YOU!"
She looked shocked, but she stopped sobbing finally, "Okay…" she whispered shaking still.
"Not everything is about you, okay? I have to deal with this on my own and what I do with Drew is on me, and me alone. Now, can you please just go, I want to be alone for a few before I have to work." She quietly shuffled out of the room, her head slumped forward still. I knew she would be upset for a bit, but she would have to get over it. Hopefully quickly.
This is my problem, not hers, not his, just mine and mine alone.