Birth control
I anxiously waited for a response, when my phone lit up, my heart dropped, "I would absolutely love to, but I have to be up at 4 and after being super late today, I don't want to chance missing again."
Well damn.
"I understand, your job is important to you." I responded with a smile face.
"You're important to me too, but I need my job to pay my bills. I am sure you understand that."
"Definitely." I sent it, waiting to see if there was another response, but nothing. So, I sent him another message, "You should rest, good night, Drew."
"Are you home yet?" he quickly responded, not acknowledging me ending the conversation.
"About to head inside now" I responded, having to look around, since I was just on autopilot.
"Video me when you get upstairs." He added a wink emoji.
I, of course, hurried inside rushing to my room feeling like a giddy little girl for a moment. I smelled pretty gross, I wanted to shower, "I need to grab a quick shower and change, I'll call you when I get out."
He responded, "Video chat me before you do that, if nothing else sit me in the shower and I'll just watch" he added a smirk.
I tossed off my jacket and bag, taking off my shoes, I collapsed in the bed. I hit the video button and checked myself in the camera before he joined. "Hey babe," he almost whispered at me.
"Why are you still up? You look exhausted." I asked. Examining his face in the low light of the phone.
He smirked just a little, "I wanted to see you before I went to sleep."
"Well now you have, go to sleep." I joked gently, keeping him smiling.
He laughed, and started singing playfully, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, cause I'll miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing."
We both cracked up, recognizing neither of us should sing, but it was sweet, nonetheless. "You're a fucking nerd dude." I said, then broke out into a little song of my own, "You're a fucking nerd and no one likes you." Laughing again.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You love me and my nerdiness." He chuckled lightly.
"Ugh that's what you think," I said, cocking my eyebrows at him.
"What the hell does that mean?" he feigned being offended, still smiling.
"I think you're the one said it best, 'it's the cock'" I said, doing my best impression of his accent.
He lit up, laughing with me, "Well I will make it worth it someday, I promise." We sat there a moment, his face just barely lit up by the phone screen, "I should go pass out for a couple of hours now, goodnight lass."
"Goodnight Drew." We both hesitated before ending the call.
FUCK
Why does this have to be so difficult? Hell, I got drunk enough I told the man I loved him and he said it back, yet I die anytime he touches me? I can close my eyes and dream of everything I wanted from him, yet in real life it makes me sick… the mark on my neck burns even. Why can't I let myself be happy with you?
Am I that broken?
I managed to sleep a bit that night, but my mind was not ready to shut off. The dreams persisted, but instead of beautiful feelings, all I felt was the burning on my neck, sometimes squeezing the life from me. I woke up choking, gasping for air.
I had a doctor's appointment in the morning for my birth control, something Madison insisted that I did, and I had to have the IUD inserted. I was not looking forward to it, pap smears are awkward enough, let alone someone trying to pry you open. I shuddered thinking about it. When I arrived at the gynecologist's office it was just a bit early. It was crazy the different kinds of people in these places. There were some in there to terminate their pregnancies and others there desperately trying to get pregnant. No one was judging the other, they were all there to do their most sacred duty, choose how to use their bodies.
I have to say, that was probably the most uncomfortable I had ever felt, and it hurt more than I expected, but I was relieved when it was done. I have been on the pill since I woke up, they were attempting to keep my hormones regulated while I healed, but it also helped with the keeping my emotions in control along with the mounds of anti-depressants and psychotics.
The doctor made small talk about babies, explaining that all I needed to do was take it out when I was ready and there was nothing wrong about holding off on children, "So does your partner want children someday?"
I laughed, "Maybe, but it's not going to be from me."
"You haven't spoken about it?" he looked serious for a moment.
"No, I am getting this for myself, they don't get a say in this." I said, sure of myself.
He was a nice older man, but he did lecture me a bit, "I understand it's your body and your choice. Over my years, I have helped plenty of women have babies as well as not have babies. But if you're in a relationship, it's important you consider their feelings too. I would at least have the conversation at some point, but ultimately, the decision is yours."
"We're still new, I don't think it's time yet." I relented, earning a smile and nod from him.
He pulled the paper blanket back over my genitals, "you're all finished. You may have some spotting from the procedure, but you should see that disappear and you may stop having periods after a while. If it doesn't even out within a few months, give us a call."
I nodded, glad that he left finally, putting my clothes back on, my vagina hurt; I felt like I was having 10 years of period cramps at once. Not comfortable at all. Why do women do this to themselves? Ugh, I signed my paperwork, heading for the lobby; I sat on the bench outside, checking my phone. Drew had sent me a picture of him and his new patient. "So no one tries to say I'm out with another woman."
I sent back a smile emoji, along with a picture, yes, that picture. "I think I found my dress for my event, what do you think?"
There wasn't a response right away, so I gave up, relinquishing to staring out the window on the bus again. He was busy at work, I didn't want to bother him. I was still anxious, the words of my doctor haunting me… Should I talk to him about it? I mean, he's made a few comments over the last year about having little Drews/Drusillas running around, but never that he actually wanted them. Maybe I was just blind to it, since it was never something I wanted for myself.
I was almost to my stop when my phone buzzed again, it was a fire emoji and a panting face. I didn't quite understand everything at first, but over time, I have started to understand the jest of it. It made me smile a bit, as I smashed the bell and headed out the door. My anxiety was still through the roof, so I stopped to get an iced coffee, because I needed caffeine to survive at that point.
I sat down in the corner with my iced drink, daring to message again. "Just stopped at Marice's for iced coffee, missing our afternoon coffee trips."
He responded immediately, "I miss seeing you everyday. You know what they say, you don't realize what you have until it's gone."
I contemplated my next response carefully, "You're not missing much, had to see the gyno today for new birth control, not exactly enthralling."
After a few minutes, he responded, "I didn't realize you were doing that. Is everything OK?"
"Yeah, Madison has been talking about it forever, so I finally pulled the trigger on getting my IUD… All I have to say is OUCH."
"I realize I'm technically supposed to be a medical professional, but I had to google that to understand it."
I laughed out loud, people peering over at me, "I mean it's not a bad thing, you know protects against cervical cancer and babies. Two for one." I typed, trying to lead the conversation where I needed it to be.
"Yeah, I guess none of us should be having children, right?" he responded, obviously mocking Madison's joke.
"She is kind of right though." I added.
The damn bubble kept appearing, letting me know he was writing. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all, "To hell with her. We'd make beautiful babies. Well, any child of mine is going to be gorgeous." He added the crying laughing emoji.
"But like, 10 years down the line, right?" I asked, nervous.
"Yeah of course, but if it happens, it happens. But we'll be sure to take every precaution when we get there."
I sat my phone down for a moment, taking a deep breath. Well, at least it's only a maybe. I was in no way ready to do something like that. I picked up the phone, "Well at least we can agree on that. I am heading home to get ready for work, have a good day." I added a kiss emoji.