It took what felt like forever to walk from the bus stop to the park. A normal ten-minute stroll quickly grew to a half hour slog. My body was still weak, and my lungs burned in the cold air. I finally staggered off the end of the blue bridge connecting Ao Island with the mainland and slumped onto a park bench, gasping for air. The sky was slate grey and threatening and the wind blew steadily from the northwest, whipping the shallow water of Lake Koyama into miniature white cap waves.
During the spring, the Sakura trees on the island bloomed gorgeously, their spreading branches filled with every shade of pink. Now, though, the branches were barren and stretched skyward like grasping skeletal fingers. The only swatches of color on the island came from the crown of evergreens adorning the island's rocky center hill. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and took a gulp of hot tea I'd brought in a thermos to coat my throat. This was a stupid idea.
I should have just had her come over and talked to her there, but I had wanted some kind of "neutral ground" scenario. I was a fool. I'd gotten out of the hospital the day before and returned home to an expectedly cool welcome. Mio had been glad to see me and had given me a hug, but my mom had chastised me for making them worry because, with my mom, it was always about her in some way. My father had greeted me in his customarily dismissive way like I'd told him that soup was hot. I'd not spoken the entire day before or today to save my voice for speaking with Aria but, honestly, I wasn't sure my voice worked at all.
"Hello," I said to no one to test it out. It was scratchy and croaky but there and loud enough to carry over the breeze and sound of cars across the water. Not ideal, but not bad enough to warrant having to use the pad of paper and pen I'd brought just in case. I sighed and closed my eyes.
What in the hell was I doing? What did I hope to accomplish? What if I talk to her about my feelings and everything and she looks at me and says "Uh…I just wanted to be friends. What are you? A lesbian freak? Ew! Gross!"? What would I do, then? I glanced around me. The water was too shallow to hide a body. Well, I'd just have to find a rowboat and move to Mongolia to live as an itinerate yak shepherd. Did yaks even have shepherds? Were there vast herds of roaming yaks in the Mongolian Steppes? My head sagged onto my fluffy white coat and I sighed. My thoughts were all over the place. Yes, I decided. I was scared.
"Oh my god!" Aria folded me in a hug before I knew she was there. The smell of her shampoo surrounded me as she wrapped her arms tight against me. "I was so scared!"
"Mmffrr grrr," I croaked into her jacket. She hugged me tight for another long moment before releasing me. She sat down next to me and took my hand in hers.
"I'm sorry! I left you a ton of messages and stuff and you were sick! I would have come to see you, but I thought you might be mad at me because of my stupid cousin!" She was talking extremely fast and seemed as nervous as I was, which made me feel at least a little better. Why wallow in misery by myself when I can share it with others?
"It's ok," I croaked. This was going to be a long conversation if my throat didn't cooperate.
"Oh my god!" Aria gripped my hands tighter, her brows knitting together in worry. "Your poor voice! Are you sure you're ok?" What the hell was going on? Was she trying to make me feel guilty for doubting her? Doubting what? I hated this. I needed clarity. I needed to say what I had to say! I cleared my throat.
"I'm ok," I nodded, steeling myself for what was to come. "We need to talk."
"You sound like you're getting ready to say something bad," she stroked my gloved hand absently with hers, a feather-light pressure which made me uncomfortably conscious of her warmth next to me.
"Not something bad, I don't think," I struggled to get my thoughts in order. I'd practiced what I wanted to say in front of the mirror, mouthing the words I wanted to say to help my mouth become accustomed to them. Now the moment had arrived, and my brain was locking up, my lips quickly following suit. "I don't want there to be any misunderstandings."
"What, uh, what kind of misunderstanding?" She asked, I couldn't look into her blue eyes anymore and turned toward the buildings across the water. They looked bleak and sullen under the gray light filtering through the cloudy sky.
"Please forgive me if I misunderstood your intentions," I began with a sigh. "It seemed to me like you were flirting with me a few times, now. Were you?"
"Guilty!" She grinned. I could see her face light up from my peripheral vision.
"What did it mean?" I turned my head to stare into her eyes.
"You mean, am I gay?" Aria asked. I shrugged, not wanting to put words into her mouth. "Well, why do you think I'm here in Japan?" I shrugged again. "I used to go to a pretty prestigious school back in Cali, but the school caught me dating a girl. My parents found out and shipped me out on the next flight here. They figured a more "conservative" society would have a good influence on me, I guess. They didn't think about all the hotties in Japan like you! Of course, I just told you my secret. So, there, I've exposed my darkest self to you. My future social life is in your hands, now, I guess. But I trust you, K-chan."
"I'm confused," I said after a moment's pause. I hadn't actually expected her to answer my question so directly and was a bit taken aback.
"About what?" Aria tilted her head slightly to the side.
"You told me that day we had coffee you were a virgin then went all slut on Emi's birthday. So, which is it? The two seem pretty irreconcilable to me. Of course, I'm just a lowly virgin so I wouldn't know about adulty things like that, I guess." Yes, I thought, I'm still bitter. "Not to mention talking about fucking my disgusting pig of a brother. What am I supposed to think?"
"Ah," she lost her grin pretty quickly and looked down in dejection. "Yeah, I can see how you'd be confused. I don't know, I was caught up in the moment at Emi's party. I've never had female friends before, like I told you, and I had no idea what girls talk about at parties. I just…" She trailed off with a shrug. "Didn't want you all to think I was some rube or something. I was trying to be cool, I guess, to impress you all with my worldly Californian ways. Or something. And I'm sorry I said that about your brother. I…I don't understand myself half the time, I guess. It was a rotten thing to say and I'm so sorry!"
"I guess it's ok," I shrugged. "If you don't know Jun, I guess you could get a pass for that."
"I really do like you, though, Kasumi!" Aria tightened her grip on my hands and stared at me earnestly.
"In what way do you like me?"
"Huh?"
"Look, Aria," I sighed. "I've been going through mental hell over this for what feels like forever. I need clarity. I don't need this 'I like you' but in a different way than I'm thinking you do bullshit. I don't like things that screw with my world view. How do you like me, Aria?"
"Uh… Well… I want to go out with you, so I like you like you. I want to date you!"
"How?" I shook my head, asking her the question I'd asked myself a thousand times. "I mean, we barely know each other."
"Love at first sight?" Aria smiled dazzlingly.
"Don't give me that crap," I scowled. "That doesn't happen."
"Well, you're the prettiest girl in school, you're popular, brave, smart, my hero! You know…totally my type so it's natural I'd fall for you."
"I see…" I blushed at her words.
"So…what do you think, K-chan…will you go out with me?" Aria smiled her most disarming smile and I found myself getting lost in it for a long moment.
"Huh?" I blinked.
"Will you go out with me? Be my girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend? Huh?" Honestly, I had not expected that.
"I'm asking you out! Say yes!" Looking into her eyes my mouth almost started moving on its own before something struck me, and my scowl returned. My sister was right, I had a terrible personality.
"You said you were dating a girl in California?" Aria nodded. "And your parents sent you here immediately. That means like a month ago you had a girlfriend, right?"
"I…guess? Why?"
"Isn't that a little too soon to throw her aside and move on to someone else?" The situation didn't sit well with me.
"Well, we both moved on, I guess," Aria shrugged. "She said she found a guy she liked and is thinking about dating him. I found you and want to date you, so I guess we're even."
"Even?" I drew my hand from her grasp and stood up.
"What's wrong?" Aria asked.
"Look, Aria," I sighed. "I like you. I like you as more than a friend. But I won't be your revenge or rebound or whatever." Did she think I was a moron? What the hell? I started to walk away, shaking my head but she quickly caught my hand and stopped me.
"I didn't mean right now!" Aria pleaded with me. What? So, she was pre-asking me to go out with her? "I just mean I want to get closer and closer to you and, maybe, I can ask you to go out with me someday and you'll say yes? When we know each other better and everything!"
"That seems kind of sketch to me."
"I know…look, I really like you, Kasumi. I just found you and I don't want to lose you."
"I'll still be your friend, Aria," I shook my head. "We don't have to date for that to happen."
"I want to be more than your friend, though! I'm making a mess of things. I'm sorry. Please don't say no right away! Just think about it! Please?" I sighed, my breath puffing out in the cold. I used to run around when I was little and pretend I was Godzilla when it was cold. How would Godzilla handle this? Probably attack Tokyo and eat some tanks or something, I imagined.
"I won't say no, then," I finally said. "But I'm not saying yes. One day when you can come to me and I'm not your rebound I'll think about it."
"That's fair enough!" Aria said. "Can I walk you back to the bus station?" I shrugged and she smiled. "Woohoo! Can I hold your hand on the way?"
"Fine," I muttered, staring down at my hand she was already holding. Why bother asking at this point?
"Can I hold your hand more often?" Aria asked, snuggling closer to me as we walked slowly across the blue bridge back toward the shore.
"No," I shook my head.
"You are a cruel woman!" Aria pouted.
"Well, it's a cruel world," I replied with a shrug. If she could read my mind and hear the pounding of my heart she'd know for a fact she was the crueler of the two of us.
We reached the bus stop and I sat down heavily, the strain of the walk coupled with the stress of the conversation had taken its toll and I wanted to sleep for a month or so. Aria sat beside me swaying slightly and humming to some tune only she could hear. Honestly, I felt warm despite the cold and being next to her thrilled me.
"Ah! There's your bus!" Aria pointed to the blue and white bus as it pulled around the corner. "Can I call you later?"
"Ok," I replied as she got up. She bent down and kissed my gloved hand dramatically.
"Then I will leave you to get home safe, my love!" Aria giggled.
"Don't say things like that!" I scowled. Was she playing with me, now?
"Remember, don't say anything about my deep dark secret!" Her smile was radiant and blinding. "I trust you, K-chan!" She swept off down the street and I watched her go. You may trust me, Aria, I thought, but can I trust you?