I made it home, keeping my stoic appearance firmly in place and went straight to my bedroom, my body and lungs aching. I closed the door behind me, pulled off my jacket and stood for a long moment before flinging myself onto my bed and rolling in agony.
"I told her nooooooo!!!" I wailed into my pillow. "What in the hell was I thinking? What am I doingggg?" Everything was exactly what I wanted to happen. She confessed to me. She explained everything in a way that made perfect sense and I told her no! Oh. My. God. What in the actual fuck is wrong with me? This was awful! No. This was worse than awful. This was a train filled with dumpsters all on fire crashing into a used diaper repository in the middle of a shit storm. I kicked my legs angrily on my bed and wailed again into my pillow, my voice already mostly gone gave way until my wailing had faded to an anguished whisper.
I finally sagged in defeat and sighed. Well, I thought, I'm a moron. I got what I wanted and flushed it down the toilet. "One day when you can come to me and I'm not your rebound I'll think about it." Ugh. Aren't I a pretentious little shit? Look how full of herself Kasumi is! Everyone! Let's stare and point and laugh at the precious little princess! I give you Kasumi Fujimura everyone! The belle of the idiot ball!
I sighed, decided once was not nearly enough, and sighed again in misery. There was my chance. Now she's probably going to get together with who the hell knows, and they'll mock me with their overt displays of affection every chance they get, and I'll have no choice but to sit and take it like the worthless bitch I am, all because I was a pompous ass. My phone beeped cheerily as a message was received. Probably Aria sending me a picture of her and her new girlfriend and how happy they were together, I reasoned bitterly. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and glared at the screen.
You know, K-chan, no one's ever turned me down before. That's kind of exciting! Especially since it's you. Now I have no choice but to make you mine and only mine! No matter how long it takes (hopefully not that long!)! If I send nudes will things speed up? 😊 😊 😊 (j/k!!! …or not… 😉)
"Eh?" I blinked at the phone in disbelief. I started at the top of what she'd sent and read each word over carefully, searching for the part where she introduces her new girlfriend but not finding it. What was this? What did was going on? Nudes? What? What the hell was happening here?
My finger hovered over the phone keyboard and I tried to figure out what I should say. She still wanted to date me? Really? Was this some sort of joke? I scowled at the phone as if it was the source of my confusion. What do I do?
"Tell her to send nudes!" The perverted part of my mind screamed. I shook my head. No. That wasn't the answer. Finally, I sighed and typed a reply.
Never send nudes, those never go away.
Wait! Were there already nudes of her online?
Have you already sent nudes to people????
…
What?????
Kidding! I'd only send nudes to you, K-chan. You should know that!
Why should I know that? Well, she was still a minor…right? Gah! I couldn't do manage, I thought. I can't trust her, yet. There were too many questions. Too much I didn't understand. I wanted to be with her. I truly did, but I couldn't if I analyzed everything she said ad nauseum.
I'm glad you want to go out with me. Please be patient.
Of course I'll be patient! Don't keep me waiting for too long, though! This ass is in demand, after all!
And what the hell did that mean? Son of a bitch, I shook my head. This was maddening.
I'm kidding! You're totally worth waiting for! I love you, after all.
How can you know that?
Who knows? How can anyone know anything? I just do! Give me a chance and I'll make you fall for me! I guarantee it!
She was a creature of contradictions. One moment self-assured and confident, hesitant and meek the next. What could I make of her? Honestly, I had no idea. My head felt like it was spinning, like I was bouncing down a blow-up hallway and ricocheting off the walls.
I see.
How about you send me nudes instead????
Hell, no!
Why not? Just a single nipple? A flash of your silky pubes? Maybe a butt cheek?
No! Now I'm not even sure I should go to another sleepover with you, either. You're a pervert!
…And? You say that like it's a bad thing!
I'm going to take a bath, now.
I'll call you later!
Ok, ok.
Oh! And take nudes in the bathroom! Put like some bubbles or something over your nips! Gravure style stuff!
No!
Spoilsport!
Pervert! Bye.
Bye for now, my love!
I sighed deeply as I sunk into the bath water up to my nose. She made my head hurt. Well, to be honest, she made my heart hurt, too. It'd be easy, I thought, to simply agree. Go out with her. Right? No big commitment or anything. An easy "sure, we'll go out" situation, like ripping off a band-aid. I didn't want that, though. I wanted us going out to mean something. I needed it to be something more than dating for the sake of dating.
She drove me crazy, though. She was all over the place, one minute making it seem like I was the only person she had ever cared about and the next flippantly causing me to question everything she'd just said. Who did that?
Did I love her enough to ignore her eccentricities? Did I trust her enough to commit my heart and soul to her? It was only high school, and I understood relationships may not be forever. I did understand the reality. But I also had never dated anyone before and didn't want to go into things half-heartedly. Even if it was high school dating, I wanted it to be longer. I needed it to be. I didn't believe in half-measures. I was either all in or all out.
I did love her, I thought, swirling my feet along the bottom of the tub. I couldn't trust her and the gap between those two conflicting points of view was too great to bridge right now. Too many questions swirled through my head to dismiss. No, I decided, until I trusted what she said I wouldn't risk dating her. I didn't believe my heart was so fragile as to never recover but first love should have more thought put into things than an unexpected confession in a deserted park.
Of course, I had no doubt she wouldn't wait too long. She wasn't the sort to sit around and bide her time. No, the American may be many things, but patient was not one of them. Well, I reasoned, if she won't wait and I can't answer in the time she has allotted then it is simply not meant to be. I decided I would not be pushed into deciding at anyone else's pace.
Aria already said she'd been caught once before dating a girl and been sent to Japan for her indiscretion. If she were caught again where would they send her next? A gulag in Siberia? And what of me? My parents would send me away, alright. Right out of the house and into a ditch somewhere. I'd be a pariah at school and everywhere else in Tottori. No, dating Aria was not a matter of taking a small step. It was climbing a huge ladder to stand on a precipice a thousand feet tall where one wrong step would end up with me being splattered into a gory mess far below. If I were going to risk the end of my life and everything I'd ever known, I had to be sure. If she couldn't wait, it simply wasn't meant to be.
These were all brave words. Whether or not I could follow through remained a mystery, of course. My will had almost broken when she'd confessed to be earlier and I was unsure how much strength I'd have if Aria got serious. I supposed I'd have to wait and see.
"Ah, you picked up, K-chan!" Aria's disembodied voice said from the phone speaker. I had just flopped down on the bed following a ridiculously hot bath when the phone rang. If I was honest my heart pounded when I saw it was Aria and I had eagerly answered. Probably too eagerly if I were to keep up appearances, I reasoned. I'd have to play it cooler going forward. I had little leverage and it seemed pointless to waste it.
"I just got out of the bath," I croaked.
"Are you naked?" She cooed.
"No!" I protested. "I've got a towel on."
"But you're mostly naked! Oh, my, K-Chan! You are so bold!"
"Stop teasing me. What do you want?" I snapped in embarrassment.
"Well, I was missing you and you said I could call you later. It's later so I'm calling. But now, thinking about you naked and steamy I kind of want to do lewd things, to be honest."
"Pfft," I chuckled.
"What?"
"What lewd things? What are you talking about? We're on the phone."
"So, if we were side by side we could? Are you saying you want me to come over?" I could sense her grin over the phone and my already flushed face blushed further. At this rate I would run out of blood for my brain and simply have a stroke, I thought idly.
"I never said that!" I protested.
"We could video chat and I could show you what I'm not wearing under my nightgown, I guess. Geez, K-chan, you are a pervert! Well, it can't be helped! Hang up and I'll VC you."
"No! I never said that, either! Jeez! Stop! The phone is fine!"
"Ok," She sighed. "It seems kind of primitive. Hold on while I get ready, then."
"Eh?"
"For the phone sex, of course! Do you want to hear how wet I am?"
"Oh my god! Why are you doing this to me?! Stop!" My head was positively spinning, now and I felt a flush of warmth between my legs at the sultry hint of her voice and the mental image of her being wet. My god, this girl was dangerous, I thought.
"I was teasing!" She giggled. "You know…or not."
"Friends don't tease like this!" I protested weakly.
"Well, we won't just be friends forever, right, K-chan? But you're right, I want you to feel how wet you make me rather than hear it over the phone so we can wait a bit. It'll be much much more fun that way." Once again Aria was different. Who was the real Aria, I wondered as she chatted about what she'd seen in a fashion magazine earlier. She seemed far too good at teasing people over the phone and was way too knowledgeable about the other stuff, too.
I wonder, had she done that same thing with her girlfriend back in California? Did she still? I shook my head. No, Aria was definitely perilous, and it was vital for me to be careful. She truly was like the ocean, I thought. One wrong step and I'd be lost in her tides and swept away before I even knew I was in danger.