I dreaded school, but also looked forward to it. Especially the sports days, being a runner made me stand out a bit. Soon I would be representing the province at our provincial athletics tournament in Johannesburg. So now training was very important. I knew my grades would take a slide downwards, but I would rather spend most of my time soaking in the sun than being stuck in a class. However, I knew one's full attention to schoolwork was needed, so I did my utmost to keep up. I was basking in the sun, waiting for our time to run, when a shadow fell over me. This disturbance made me very angry because that bit of freedom I had given myself was gone. I had to swallow back every angry swear word which almost escaped. Just in time too. It was a very nervous Sam asking to talk, but not at school. I felt a bit confused, but hopeful too.
Sam left so fast she forgot to let me know when. We started running and my sister was totally rooting for this arsehole in her class, but Sam silently gave me a thumbs-up which made me so happy. I know I am in my environment so made the best of it. Letting go of all the built-up stress of the weekend, I became very focussed. I needed to impress big time. I finished as I always knew I would and took a glimpse at the one I ran for, but she was engrossed in a conversation with my sister. That burst my ego bubble a bit. It was my wake-up call too. She was my sister's friend after all, and I was nothing to her, I guess. So I needed to get the meeting over with and told Abby that I would be home late because I needed to put in more practice time. I could see that she didn't believe me, but that was her problem. I trained on the track until she left for home and then looked around for her friend, but she was nowhere. I wondered if this was a bloody dream again. With uncertainty, I walked to her house and knocked.
Sam opened and before I could enter, she pulled me in fast, banging the door shut in the process. I was shocked. I was manhandled by this girl who was my sister's friend. I just knew trouble would surely follow soon.
'Look Sam, I don't want problems.'
I got out before she kissed me on my lips, this time really making a play out of what had started on Friday. Words melted in the heat of the kiss. I know I started to shiver; my legs were not playing the game. I could not stand still, and although she knew that I was in a very uncomfortable position, she still took it the wrong way. She asked whether she was scaring me because it was not her intention to do so.
'I can't help myself, Jordi. Somehow, I'm thinking of you a lot and I know it's not fair because of your sister and all … The mere fact that you are younger than me is bad enough.'
She looked at me and the only thing that came out of my mouth was a disaster.
'I … I … am not scared of you Sam.'
The fucking stutter started at the wrong time. How do you tell a girl like this that you have never done anything like this before? So, I opted for the truth.
'I have never done this before Sam, but I really do not mind this at all.'
I was very nervous and didn't know what to do with myself. The next time she kissed me slower, but nothing seemed to calm me, my hormones had exploded to another level. I couldn't seem to breathe, for my head was telling me to stop, but my body was giving unwanted signals that I worried would chase this girl away forever. I tried to stop her so that I could at least have some space to comprehend what was happening. I grabbed her hands and held them above her head pushing her against the wall, but somehow that move brought her more towards me, pulling me closer. Oh lord, this was the scariest feeling ever; I felt as if I might be dying. I pushed against her chest and somehow my hands found their way to her breasts. Out of shock, we both stopped. It was a feeling I would never want gone from my hands, being filled so nicely.
'Gosh Sam, I don't know what is happening to me. It's not that I don't like you, I do, but this is all so strange … what the hell man … my sister is going to kill me and it feels wrong.'
'I'm sorry. I wanted to talk about Friday night, but when I saw you now, I just wanted to do it again. It went so fast and felt like a dream. Now I know it was not, but I won't apologise again. So, what are we going to do? I wanted to tell you to forget what happened on Friday and that we need to keep it from your sister, because she is going to kill us both.'
'I am not worried about my sister right now Sam; things are just too crazy and I'm not sure I want a girlfriend now.'
'Wow! Wait up Jordi. I am not looking for a boyfriend right now and you are very young for me.'
'Stop talking about too young when you are the one starting things here. Earlier you did not even want to look at me, it shows that you really don't care about me and that this is just a game to you.'
'Well, you are learning very fast, because you touched me without me giving you permission to do so?'
'I wanted to stop you for a bit Sam and did not mean for my hand to slip. Sorry about that. I can't seem to think when you kiss me, so it is better if I don't come to your house again.'
I blushed beetroot red as I said this to her.
'Fine by me! Goodbye then Jordi, see you at school.'
I could not understand this girl. She invited me, kissed me first and was now cross with me. So I went home in confusion. I did my homework, but my thoughts were all over the place, so I went to the game shop and played a few games with my friends who told me how boring I was. I wished I could tell them what I was going through, but it all seemed like a secret that I could not share with anyone. The worst was that I didn't even feel myself.
I was really in need of some guidance, but it seems our generation is left to do everything ourselves. Living in a broken house, who would I ask advice from? With a father that behaved like a teenager, and a mother that couldn't seem to stand him and was now so far away that when a time came to ask, the learning had already happened. Sometimes, I wished I was in the time my parents used to refer to as "the good old days." The parents would have stayed together for the sake of their children, creating a happy home. Unlike these days where everyone is so free to do what they damn well please, as long there is a home, food and a sense of being well-off; providing clothing and accessories, but where is the family life? Where is the "just being there" for the kids? We are such a lonely generation - navigating how to fit into society, keeping house, and the pressure to do well and build our careers.
We are expected to have respect and be groomed in society, but when you look for the parents, they are not around to teach by example, because they just do not have time. They only have time to work and we need to do all the other things on our own. Who is really the selfish generation here? My problems were mine alone to carry and to sort out. Who do you ask those private questions as you become a man, and who would teach you how to look after a girl and what their expectations are? Yes, I just had to live my life making lots of mistakes. I did want to get it right eventually. I walked home and just left my friends behind, which simply was not cool, I know.
I came home to a sister that took her frustration out on me and I had to feel sorry for her too, because I was sure she was going through changes herself, but still told her to shut the fuck up, because she nags about the same things over and over. I did not understand why we go through things quietly, while girls tell everyone how shit and frustrated, they feel. I would have liked to shout out what I was going through. Maybe I would have been less confused. This girl had me thinking a lot about her, but the most memorable was the feeling I still had on my hands from the memory of touching her.
The days went by very fast and before I knew it, I was celebrating my sixteenth birthday. Because Abby's birthday was a month after mine mind you, Dad decided that we must celebrate them together. Mom was more for individuality, but he was paying, so he got his way. We had my friends there together with my sister's friends so you can imagine whose party it ended up being. Because Abby's birthday was in October, a month away, my dad had his arm twisted into feeling bad, so I guess she will still have her own party anyway.
Well, at least we both got what we wanted in gifts and if we have a party together the parents just let us be. The 'man cave' was totally mine; it was our garage turned into a gym and gaming room with a pool table, table tennis and an awesome music system which I was operating.
By the end of the evening, my friends were breaking-away with my sister's friends so we shared the whole house as equals. My sister disappeared and came back later with Eugene, the guy that was competing with me on the race track, and a smirk on his face clearly stated that he had my sister. He could be glad that it was our birthday celebration, otherwise he would have had me to deal with. Her friends were all over me and trying to get me alone.
However, the person whose attention I wanted, was ignoring me now for more than three months.