My sister and Eugene came in half-an-hour later looking a bit put off because Sam came over without telling her. I guess she didn't want to share the time she had with the boyfriend with her friend. I asked Sam to rather come and play some games with me in the garage, which pissed my sister off.
'Oh, just come and join us Sam.' She snapped. Sam in turn, told her that she had already phoned her parents to fetch her, thinking Abby would be late. Her parents came and I could only watch her going, but I did get a text message saying 'bye and see you soon.'
Well, the 'see you soon' was months later and already in January. My heart was aching for the tall, exotic, beautiful girl. I could not believe that she never made contact or texted me and so everything felt like a hopeless dream.
The only difference to this dream was that I could remember every bit of it. The inter-sports at school had begun and it was time to shine. Girls should not matter at all now, particularly a special one who could just move on so easily leaving me behind. My sister and her friends, reunited after the holidays; very excited to start Matric and be the bosses of the school, while I felt left behind. I decided to keep to my own peers. I nailed all the fixtures at the athletics, even tried doing long distance. The girls went crazy at the inter-schools, and I brave enough talking to a few, but my interest was totally not in any of them. I had learnt a very hard lesson. I threw my all into my schoolwork and ran marathons during the week as well as on weekends.
My mother complained that I didn't give her the time of day. This allowed my sister to have more time with her, because of the upcoming Matric Ball, which was the subject of every conversation. Calling my sister vain was saying it very lightly. She milked every opportunity with my parents, because of their divorce - and got whatever she asked for. I always got questions and then the answers ending with me not needing it now. I ran all the time, mostly away from my problems. This was how I trained my mind not to think but to do. I wished I could run when those bloody wet dreams took over leaving me sweaty and yearning. My body was changing, and my six-pack made the girls scream when I changed sweaters.
The school kept me busy because they wanted their very best to represent them. I knew I was a well-grounded person. If I kept this up, I could be my country's best. I was asked to represent again in the trial run for the Commonwealth bid that Durban was supposed to host. To be one of the chosen few and coached by the best, made my chest stand out more with pride. Other things in my life took second place. I only came back in March and had to work twice as hard on my schoolwork, but was happy with the medals I had won, even a real gold one! My mother and my sister were totally proud. I think she must have missed her brother but was too stubborn to admit it. The pride did not last long, because my mother brought me down to earth very fast. No time for boastfulness or being egotistical minded. My friends were sleeping over because they gave a welcome home party for me, giving Abby the opportunity to gate-crash and have her friends over too. My friends all looked so different and they had somehow become strangers, maybe because I lost some time with them, or because of my commitments to athletics. They even seemed put-off when my mother began her motherly bragging, almost rubbing it in their faces. Sometimes I think parents just do not have any feelings of sensitivity at all.
What I did love, was her managing to be in the same room as my dad without them breaking into a verbal fight. The party was on and my dad proudly slapped me on my back, giving me a beer. This had never happened before and I found it very strange. I refused because I still had respect and would never drink in front of my parents. This made him angry, as if I had slapped him in the face.
Sam had become even more beautiful and was shaping up nicely too. She had a look in her eyes as though she had lost something and that it had become an internal fight. I knew that she was hurting the same way I do. It mirrored mine when I looked at myself on my ever so lonely days. I had many opportunities to hook up with girls while living in Durban, but somehow I was not brave enough. It could have been because of my upbringing, always being judged by my dad as not good enough making me very insecure around girls. Except with Sam. To other girls I knew I appeared very stand-offish, making them go for the sure and confident guys.
The party went on and my parents or disappeared from the scene, leaving the young people to carry on. I didn't feel like partying any longer so I told them all I was going to sleep. Not long after, someone came into my room and locked the door. I was a bit annoyed and was about to blow up, but saw just in time that it was Sam.
'Please Sam, not tonight. I am very tired. I can't do this anymore. I need to concentrate on my sports and this is not working, I am sick of the secrets and you are too old for me in any case. Just go!'
I knew I was hurting her feelings, but I was way past caring what she wanted at that moment. She awakened things in me, and then left me hanging, and I was not going to take that shit from her anymore.
'Jordi, it feels like you're putting all the blame on me for what happened last year. When I left here, my mother questioned me again, because my skin was flushed and my lips looked as though I had been kissed. She knew the signs. She point-blank asked me in front of my dad if I was still a virgin. I could not keep the lie any longer and admitted that I was half-seeing you. They knew already, because of the flower in my room and your wallet which I was interrogated about, so they wanted me to confirm it, or drag me to the hospital to do a test.
'I was told never to see you again if I valued my friendship with your sister, and because of you being young and all. So you are right, I am older and supposed to know better. Clearly, seeing now what I did through their eyes and yours. I felt very dirty the way they spoke to me, saying that you didn't know what you were doing because you are so young. If memory serves me correctly, they could be right, because I initiated most of our getting together and mislead you as they said. I am ashamed, just like you felt when I was here last time. You can't deny it. If I have misled you it never was my intention to do so. I would rather have you as a friend than not at all. Please can we start over?'
'Do I have a say in this Sam?'
'Yes, of course you do, and I am here to find out if it is really the way they see it.'
'Sam, I am not the little child without a brain that you all make me out to be. Why you didn't come and talk to me, is beyond me! You play your silent games and I am sick of them already! I am a year behind you and no one knows it more than I do. I am certain, if given a chance, I can show all I can hold my own I am not a child. Nor am I the innocent in all this. I wanted to do those things with you. I know my capabilities and what I want. I am scared and insecure, thinking that I would not be enough for you. Yes, I am not used to beautiful girls taking the lead and showing and teaching me things, but we will get there eventually. Together we will find our own way. Who will guide us, but only us? The grown-ups teach us nothing. They compensate their lack of time spent with us by buying us things we want. We are a clever generation. We learn and we have great coping skills already; we just need our parents to believe in us and that we will be okay.'
She came to me as fast as lightning.
'I missed you, Jordi. Especially the wisdom you have beyond your years
I was kissed so differently then, but loved the gentleness and gave it back to her the way she wanted it too. We both needed a little bit of tenderness for being apart had been so damn hard.
'I do not want to be away from you again, Sam. Can you spend the night?'
'Well mister, my parents are fetching me later so enjoy what I have to offer before they come, or we'll get caught. At least, you sleep without a sweater, so I can look at you closely with all those muscles you were flexing at all the girls and enjoying how they went mad for you. Do you know that you are a hero here, being on television and all that, especially when you changed sweatshirts, knowing what it did to the girls? I in turn wanted to rip their eyes out. Even here at home with the inter-sports.'
I laughed and she knocked against my chest playfully, but without laughing - way too serious.
'I need you tonight, Sam. I really thought that you had moved on and was out of my life for good.'
'Well, I thought the same with you but we really need to be careful. What are we going to do, Jordi? I don't want my parents, or yours, to point fingers. We need to be really safe. I am sure our parents are just waiting for us to make a mistake to prove that they were right. So one of us needs to be really mature and say no before it gets out of hand.'
I was in agreement, knowing this conversation must have meant something. I was grown-up enough to know what she meant, but the mere thought of having sex was really out of the question.
'I am not going to have sex with you, Sam!'
'I know. I am not ready, even though my hormones are raging.'
'I agree! The frustration is that this bloody growing up thing is already so scary, and what I am doing now, was never even on my mind … you need to be the strong one here. I guess you do not have too many changes happening now, do you, Sam?
'Not now, but it was difficult at first. It is more the frustration of feelings now.'
'Well, I think you are already perfect; have patience, will you, Sam, because I am almost there?' 'What are you talking about, Jordi? Don't you see what we all see? I am more scared that you might just change your mind about wanting me, or even outgrow me'.
'Never!'
I grabbed her and kissed her with all the young passion I had within me. It shocked her a bit, but she was ready for me every step. She took my hands and put them under her top. My throat went dry and I had difficulty swallowing. My heavy breathing was drying my lips and as if she knew it, she moistened them for me with her tongue. I was lost. I pulled her head towards mine and a moan escaped from her lips. I knew she wanted my hands on her breasts again, but her clothing was in the way. I took her top off and pulled her up, but my legs were not that strong now. I used the time exploring her breasts that filled my palms. Her nipples were hard, making me want to see and taste. I didn't want to shock her, but I knew we'd gone way to far already to stop.
My hands and lips took over as though I had done this before. I breathed her in while letting my lips wander ... I jumped at a bang on the door. My friends wanted to know what was going on. The fear on Sam's face replaced the sexy look from the moment before. I knew that we were both exploring, but I felt the need to take care and protect this girl because she was at her most vulnerable. How would I explain her in my room?
'What do you want? I am sleeping, fools?'
'We could swear we heard a girl in there with you'.
'What the fuck man? I was asleep until you woke me just now! Go away!'
We looked at each other and she finally spoke. 'What are you doing to me, Jordi?'
'I am confused now … I thought you wanted me to do those things to you, was I wrong?'
'No wait, Jordi. I am talking about the way I feel about you. When I am not with you, I yearn for you, and when I am with you, I seem not to get enough of you. My feelings are just so overwhelming and cannot be stopped, even if I try. Now, I am so afraid that what we have here will not last, because we suffocate it by these fucking secret meetings. Shit … I need to think. I'm sorry, Jordi. I need to go.'
I couldn't let her go or don't want to and kissed her again, but she fought me so I held her, trying to calm her sobs - which broke my heart. I felt her hurt in the very core of me. I wiped her face clean.
'No pressure from me Sam, I will wait again. Take your time, as always. I will be the one to wait until you are ready for us. It is okay for us to date openly, but it is you I am worried about. I ended to soften my words. I know you will not be able to handle the pressure yet, so you decide what you want, okay? I am extremely tired after everything you've put me through. If it's any consolation, it will be hard for me too ... so whatever you decide to do, think of me. Now you can kiss me goodnight.'
She gave me a mind-blowing kiss that left me wanting and very weak.
'Stay here, Jordi ... let me see if the coast is clear, okay?'